Recently discovered that my mother has BPD

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Hi, I am really happy that yesterday I found this website and forum . I just wanted to thank you for allowing us to participate and find constructive ways of improving relationships with our BPD relative.

 In my case, I am the elder daughter and have only got one brother. My mum always belittles me, and always needed me there with her as if she coundn't understand that we are two separate people. I remember crying and telling her several times that I wasn't an extension of her body, not an arm nor a leg, because that's how she made me feel. I would have never believed that I would ever move out from her house but it has been almost a year and a half since I live with my dad (whom she always conceived as her enemy, hence, I am "an ungrateful traitor".

 It took me three mayor depressions to realize that I needed to set some boundaries. I do not blame her for my depressions, I understand that all of us react to stressful situations in different ways and mine has been the tendency to fall into deep depression. The first one was when I started Uni, around 11 years ago, and I went to see both psychiatrist and psycologist, of my own will because I needed to get out from that pit. Another one, after graduation and after coming back from a trip to another country, where I went on my own and received Skype calls from my mum saying that she'd kill herself if I didn't come back. For the first time in my life I HAD TO MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS, she wasn't there to tell me what to do, and that really upset her and, at the same time, everything was brand new to me, not only my first time out of the country but also my first time not around mum, I was a mum pleaser and felt guilty if I didn't live up to her expectations. I found it very difficult to fully enjoy my trip, as I was torn between her wants and my trip, I came back with a horrible feelings of guilt: I hadn't missed her, I felt relieved that she wasn't with me, in fact, the mere thought of having to hug her as she was waiting for me at the airport, repelled me. Luckily, I have learned that I wasn't being a monster for not wanting to be around her or for not missing her, we used to call each other more than 4 times a day when we lived together! I hadn't realised that I was the "chosen child" of the "invasive parent" as I've read on one of the articles here, she has always treated me as if I were 5. She is an over-doer, she didn't even let me cook when I lived with her. She is also overprotective, she taught me that the world was a threathening and fearful place to live in, she taught me that none else would love me like she does, she always said that nobody loved me except her. To make things brighter, during my teenage years, I used to be bullied at school. I was some kind of Hermione, an excellent student, and had an excellent behaviour, what I wasn't good at, was at sports, so that class was a nightmare for me. I am telling you all these stuff for you to have a background of the negative influences I've received as a child, teenager and adult.

My parents relationship was always extremely toxic. Before travelling I saw my dad as a monster, because he would have outbursts of rage, and I always caught him treating my mum badly or breaking stuff out of anger, of course, by then I never saw any flaws on my mum, I might have but not to the point of realizing that she is seriously mentally ill. That was what happened between them, he doesn't have any outburst of anger now that he isn't with her anymore. Mum always told dad to leave, not politely of course, she would kick him out yelling but he never left while we were children because he thought he'd never had the chance to see us, and that she would make us believe that he was the worst human on earth. When dad left, she lost the person to whom she constantly argued with. And guess who she chose to replace him? Bingo! I think those were the craziest 5 months of my life, I had never felt so imprisioned, she completely invaded my privacy, she moved from being emotionally manipulative to the point of not giving me my cellphone, or even my keys to go out. And one day, I LEFT without notice. I was 27 years old, after this huge decision, one of the bests I ever made, another major depression came along, but I went to the doctor and to cognitive behavioural therapy, and learned to revert those negative thoughts into positive ones, I also practised mindfulness for a while.
As individuals, we are all unique, and for me 8 years of only freudian therapy didn't work so much, they helped of course, but for the two last depressions I did cognitive behavioural therapy with two different psycologists, at different stages of my life, as they didn't want me to end up depending on them.
I have learned not to depend on my mum. My physical boundary is my dad's house, where she would never come. He is very different from my mum, I always believed what mum said (your father doesn't love you as much as I do, he doesn't care if you get a cold, if it weren't for me, bla bla, etc), my father allows me to grow up without invading me.
I have got a boyfriend (I don't depend on him either) since the year I moved out, before moving out, one of the things that helped me was that he was very supportive and that she kind of made me chose between him or her, she didn't want me to continue seeing him. They haven't met in person yet, he has of course received "very nice" phone calls from her. I don't want them to ever meet if possible, but, deep down, I want things to be normal, I am thinking that they should meet before I get married so she can come to the wedding. Sometimes I don't want her at my wedding because I know she doesn't mind making a fuss around people, so. What discouraged me a little, is that I read a woman's experience who got married and then her mum made her sleep over to taker care of her.

She lives with my brother, who fortunately works outside the house (I work from home) so they don't see each other much, but he is also going to therapy. We both together discovered the BPD paterns in her life. Our psychologists cannot diagnose someone they have not treated, but she certainly meets the criteria. (I worry about my brother but that's for another chapter, at least he has never been depressed)

Sometimes I wonder what things would have been like had my dad discovered she was BPD while we were children. She threatened him many times with committing suicide with me as a little girl (killing me also!), he never believed her and never asked a doctor for help. Thank God I have no recollection of that. I think that nowadays it is more common for people to go to therapy, maybe that's why.

However, I am happy to have discovered that she is Borderline because I would have never understood her, otherwise. It is never too late. I am willing to read the material on this website, I have read very interesting things so far and I am glad to be a part of this community.
I would like to improve my relationship with her, I only see her once a month and for birthdays, I am the one who decides when to visit her. I tend to stay to sleep over when I go, I sort of can't help that, when she is being nice and friendly, I realise that I miss her, I miss the good side of her, you know what I mean? And I find it difficult to leave. A week ago I went to visit her and didn't stay, if my brother wasn't there, I wouldn't stay, but as he is there, I sometimes do. Maybe I need to stop doing that at all, I won't be able to stay once I am married.
HAS ANYBODY HAD ISSUES INTRODUCING THEIR FIANCEE TO THE BPD PARENT? At least now I know that I can't take her opinions seriously, she usually disliked my boyfriends and she distorts the truth, she lies, I wonder if she is aware that she lies or if that is also part of the condition.
I would like to know how to cope better with my BPD mum before marriage and before having my own children.
I have learned many things so far since I don't live with her, I DECIDE what to do with my life, I can cook without having to face the humillation of being told my food is a mess.
Well, that's all for now, I could write for ages.
Please, feel free to ask me any questions, something good has to come out from this experience, I'd gladly help in what I can, I am no expert.

Have a wonderful day,

DaughterofBPDmum

[DaughterofBPDmum]

Hi, I am really happy that yesterday I found this website and forum . I just wanted to thank you for allowing us to participate and find constructive ways of improving relationships with our BPD relative.

 In my case, I am the elder daughter and have only got one brother. My mum always belittles me, and always needed me there with her as if she coundn't understand that we are two separate people. I remember crying and telling her several times that I wasn't an extension of her body, not an arm nor a leg, because that's how she made me feel. I would have never believed that I would ever move out from her house but it has been almost a year and a half since I live with my dad (whom she always conceived as her enemy, hence, I am "an ungrateful traitor".

 It took me three mayor depressions to realize that I needed to set some boundaries. I do not blame her for my depressions, I understand that all of us react to stressful situations in different ways and mine has been the tendency to fall into deep depression. The first one was when I started Uni, around 11 years ago, and I went to see both psychiatrist and psycologist, of my own will because I needed to get out from that pit. Another one, after graduation and after coming back from a trip to another country, where I went on my own and received Skype calls from my mum saying that she'd kill herself if I didn't come back. For the first time in my life I HAD TO MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS, she wasn't there to tell me what to do, and that really upset her and, at the same time, everything was brand new to me, not only my first time out of the country but also my first time not around mum, I was a mum pleaser and felt guilty if I didn't live up to her expectations. I found it very difficult to fully enjoy my trip, as I was torn between her wants and my trip, I came back with a horrible feelings of guilt: I hadn't missed her, I felt relieved that she wasn't with me, in fact, the mere thought of having to hug her as she was waiting for me at the airport, repelled me. Luckily, I have learned that I wasn't being a monster for not wanting to be around her or for not missing her, we used to call each other more than 4 times a day when we lived together! I hadn't realised that I was the "chosen child" of the "invasive parent" as I've read on one of the articles here, she has always treated me as if I were 5. She is an over-doer, she didn't even let me cook when I lived with her. She is also overprotective, she taught me that the world was a threathening and fearful place to live in, she taught me that none else would love me like she does, she always said that nobody loved me except her. To make things brighter, during my teenage years, I used to be bullied at school. I was some kind of Hermione, an excellent student, and had an excellent behaviour, what I wasn't good at, was at sports, so that class was a nightmare for me. I am telling you all these stuff for you to have a background of the negative influences I've received as a child, teenager and adult.

My parents relationship was always extremely toxic. Before travelling I saw my dad as a monster, because he would have outbursts of rage, and I always caught him treating my mum badly or breaking stuff out of anger, of course, by then I never saw any flaws on my mum, I might have but not to the point of realizing that she is seriously mentally ill. That was what happened between them, he doesn't have any outburst of anger now that he isn't with her anymore. Mum always told dad to leave, not politely of course, she would kick him out yelling but he never left while we were children because he thought he'd never had the chance to see us, and that she would make us believe that he was the worst human on earth. When dad left, she lost the person to whom she constantly argued with. And guess who she chose to replace him? Bingo! I think those were the craziest 5 months of my life, I had never felt so imprisioned, she completely invaded my privacy, she moved from being emotionally manipulative to the point of not giving me my cellphone, or even my keys to go out. And one day, I LEFT without notice. I was 27 years old, after this huge decision, one of the bests I ever made, another major depression came along, but I went to the doctor and to cognitive behavioural therapy, and learned to revert those negative thoughts into positive ones, I also practised mindfulness for a while.
As individuals, we are all unique, and for me 8 years of only freudian therapy didn't work so much, they helped of course, but for the two last depressions I did cognitive behavioural therapy with two different psycologists, at different stages of my life, as they didn't want me to end up depending on them.
I have learned not to depend on my mum. My physical boundary is my dad's house, where she would never come. He is very different from my mum, I always believed what mum said (your father doesn't love you as much as I do, he doesn't care if you get a cold, if it weren't for me, bla bla, etc), my father allows me to grow up without invading me.
I have got a boyfriend (I don't depend on him either) since the year I moved out, before moving out, one of the things that helped me was that he was very supportive and that she kind of made me chose between him or her, she didn't want me to continue seeing him. They haven't met in person yet, he has of course received "very nice" phone calls from her. I don't want them to ever meet if possible, but, deep down, I want things to be normal, I am thinking that they should meet before I get married so she can come to the wedding. Sometimes I don't want her at my wedding because I know she doesn't mind making a fuss around people, so. What discouraged me a little, is that I read a woman's experience who got married and then her mum made her sleep over to taker care of her.

She lives with my brother, who fortunately works outside the house (I work from home) so they don't see each other much, but he is also going to therapy. We both together discovered the BPD paterns in her life. Our psychologists cannot diagnose someone they have not treated, but she certainly meets the criteria. (I worry about my brother but that's for another chapter, at least he has never been depressed)

Sometimes I wonder what things would have been like had my dad discovered she was BPD while we were children. She threatened him many times with committing suicide with me as a little girl (killing me also!), he never believed her and never asked a doctor for help. Thank God I have no recollection of that. I think that nowadays it is more common for people to go to therapy, maybe that's why.

However, I am happy to have discovered that she is Borderline because I would have never understood her, otherwise. It is never too late. I am willing to read the material on this website, I have read very interesting things so far and I am glad to be a part of this community.
I would like to improve my relationship with her, I only see her once a month and for birthdays, I am the one who decides when to visit her. I tend to stay to sleep over when I go, I sort of can't help that, when she is being nice and friendly, I realise that I miss her, I miss the good side of her, you know what I mean? And I find it difficult to leave. A week ago I went to visit her and didn't stay, if my brother wasn't there, I wouldn't stay, but as he is there, I sometimes do. Maybe I need to stop doing that at all, I won't be able to stay once I am married.
HAS ANYBODY HAD ISSUES INTRODUCING THEIR FIANCEE TO THE BPD PARENT? At least now I know that I can't take her opinions seriously, she usually disliked my boyfriends and she distorts the truth, she lies, I wonder if she is aware that she lies or if that is also part of the condition.
I would like to know how to cope better with my BPD mum before marriage and before having my own children.
I have learned many things so far since I don't live with her, I DECIDE what to do with my life, I can cook without having to face the humillation of being told my food is a mess.
Well, that's all for now, I could write for ages.
Please, feel free to ask me any questions, something good has to come out from this experience, I'd gladly help in what I can, I am no expert.

Have a wonderful day,

DaughterofBPDmum

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi DaughterofBPDmum, 

Welcome to our online family! Thank you for your first post and sharing your story. You will find so many others here who can totally relate, not only to the facts in your life but also to the emotions, fears, questions, insecurities, and so many other things that you have gone through and are going through. It is a tough road, but there is such great hope for healing.  We are all in a different place, each unique, of our journey to healing. That's one of the things I love most about this site, that we can learn from one another and the stages that we are going through.

Have you read any books so far about BPD? If so, what have you read and what has been helpful? You are in the beginning stages of discovery it sounds, and that can be an overwhelming place!   Please know that you will settle into what place works for you, and read all you can here. Post on the threads too as that has helped so many of us take a next step into sharing and growing and asking questions.

My mum always belittles me, and always needed me there with her as if she coundn't understand that we are two separate people. I remember crying and telling her several times that I wasn't an extension of her body, not an arm nor a leg, because that's how she made me feel.

This is not uncommon at all, and in my own life, I can totally relate. My uBPDm absorbed me into her life, invaded my very being, and I never knew who I was as a person. I had no sense of self at all. Through T I have finally begun to see myself as someone unique who has value for more than just what I do for her or others. That's the tough thing about growing up with a pwBPD. What we learned due to our need for survival filters over into other areas of our life. But those discoveries come with time as you can see in the list we have to the right hand side of our board. ----->> > Any sentence you click on opens up into a larger window. Where do you perceive yourself to be? It is not a linear list as most of us go up and down at different stages .

It took me three major depressions to realize that I needed to set some boundaries. I do not blame her for my depressions, I understand that all of us react to stressful situations in different ways and mine has been the tendency to fall into deep depression

Depression is not uncommon for us survivors. I also began to fall into it when my oldest D was about to leave for college. I chased the feelings away for a long time by keeping busy, but as the shift from parent to empty nester began to approach, I found that I could no longer run away from the depression or the nightmares I continued to have. Such things are often signs within us that our inner self is crying out for help. I'm glad you have sought help through T. Are you still in T now? CBT is something that has helped many of us here.

Before travelling I saw my dad as a monster, because he would have outbursts of rage, and I always caught him treating my mum badly or breaking stuff out of anger, of course, by then I never saw any flaws on my mum, I might have but not to the point of realizing that she is seriously mentally ill. That was what happened between them, he doesn't have any outburst of anger now that he isn't with her anymore.

This reminds me of something in the BPD world is known as splitting.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Do you think that may be some of what has happened?

And one day, I LEFT without notice. I was 27 years old, after this huge decision, one of the bests I ever made

That is awesome!  Good for you that you are no longer trapped at home with your mom! This took a while lot of courage, and now you are healthier because of it. You have a chance to see what is going on from a distance instead of always being in flight mode.

I have got a boyfriend (I don't depend on him either) since the year I moved out, before moving out, one of the things that helped me was that he was very supportive and that she kind of made me chose between him or her, she didn't want me to continue seeing him. They haven't met in person yet, he has of course received "very nice" phone calls from her. I don't want them to ever meet if possible, but, deep down, I want things to be normal, I am thinking that they should meet before I get married so she can come to the wedding. Sometimes I don't want her at my wedding because I know she doesn't mind making a fuss around people, so. What discouraged me a little, is that I read a woman's experience who got married and then her mum made her sleep over to taker care of her.

Congratulations about your engagement!  This can be a joyous time. For a pwBPD, it is not at all uncommon for them to perceive any sense of potential abadonment as rejection, resulting in actions that are black and white. A pwBPD will self regulate or self-sooth through behaviors that to the rest of us are not soothing at all but rather they are hurtful and wounding. What do you think about this as it applies to your situation?

One last link for you:

 Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

Looking forward to hearing more from you!

 
Wools

[Highlander]

Hi DaughterofBPDmum and welcome to BPD family,

In response to your statement:

"[HAS ANYBODY HAD ISSUES INTRODUCING THEIR FIANCEE TO THE BPD PARENT? At least now I know that I can't take her opinions seriously, she usually disliked my boyfriends and she distorts the truth, she lies, I wonder if she is aware that she lies or if that is also part of the condition [/quote]"

I have a undBPD MIL who was kind enough towards me until I began standing up to her gaslighting towards me.  Then I became the worst person in the world to her.  It then turned into a vendetta whereby she only got worse.  She'd lie, manipulate and attempt to triangulate our marriage and was constantly poking me until the rare occasion whereby I would finally snap, then she'd use these rare incidences to tell everyone how 'horrible' I was.

From our experience, if a BPD parent has to share you with another person, then watch out, they will likely react with toxic behaviour towards that person.  I have come across much literature that states that it is common for a BPD mother to despise their children's partners, even if the children were scapegoat children like my H - there is a sense of need for control over them.

You say you haven't introduced her yet to your fiance.  It's likely, deep down you know why you are so wary.  As for the lies.  We have caught her out several times and whenever she is caught out, she'd pause into a few moments of silence, then move directly onto another gas-lighting accusation towards me, one this time we can't prove because 'apparently' it was done when I was alone in her company. 

In the past I learn't to avoid being in her company alone.  If H even needed to go to the toilet for a brief moment, I was up and needed to do something somewhere else and I'd never answer the phone to her ever.  Even then this didn't stop her toxic behaviour because that was then considered rude.  My H has since gone No Contact (NC) with her, which was a hard enough journey for him (took him years) to do but he realised that it just wasn't worth the never ending drama's.

At least you are able to see in advance the potential problem you may well be facing in the future... .for us, the journey of my H waking up to it took years and then, like a light bulb switched on, he began to realise that he never had one girlfriend that his mother ever approved of.   Before then, her triangulation and demands on him to break up with me came close to succeeding on a number of occasions.  It really wasn't until he got therapy and was told she was toxic that he really began to disregard every negative things she was saying about me.  Luckily you seem to be well versed.

As for children.  My H has a child from a previous relationship - my MIL's first grandchild.  He was often upset with his BPDmum that she wanted nothing to do with his daughter's life (apparently it was all his ex-girlfriends fault for getting pregnant!).  He wanted to push her to spend time with her granddaughter but over the years both myself and his T's tried to reassure him - "Why would you want a woman in your child's life that manipulates, lies and uses them to play games with other people?" he was told.

His daughter is now 14 years old and he thanks me profusely for helping him to realise that had he have pushed her into having a relationship with her grandchild, like himself, she would have become damaged as a result.  In my belief, relationships with BPD grandparents should be closely monitored.  When I have been around my BPD MIL and children, it has been an exhausting mission just to ignore her suggestions (or demands) on how to parent... .she obviously failed with her son (he ended up with a type of BPD himself - thankfully a kind of BPD that was curable and where lies and manipulation were not common), and now she was demanding to me that I should smack, invalidate emotions or turn your love off (ignore - stop talking) to a child when they misbehave. 

I never took on one of her suggestions... .but again, this was looked upon as rude!

It seems from your story that you already have consciously reduced contact with your BPDmum and this is working with your relationship to some extent.  You are in the right place to learn skills to help you better cope with her toxic behaviours and it is well worth your fiance to read up on it too.  Before my husband went NC with her, I was seriously considering buying him a book, which I haven't read but have heard great reviews and that is:

"Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship"

Best of luck,
DaughterofBPDmum

[Turkish]

How much have you shared about this with your beau?