TrickRSam
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2
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« on: January 17, 2018, 04:56:20 PM » |
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Hi everyone,
I just joined but have been a reader for nearly a month now following an extremely sudden breakup of an intense 5 week relationship (short, I know, but it has destoryed me more than any of my long term ones). To sum things up, basically, as many of the relationships have seemed to have gone on here, mine started out intense after we met on Twitter with me responding to her a little often for a couple weeks. At first, I thought she was wildly out of my league and I lacked a lot of self-confidence since I was just 6 months or so out of a 3.5 year relationship and had just gotten out of a rebound relationship just a month or so before that.
Anyways, we both were avid fans of a seasonal Halloween event at a theme park and first connected over that. The last night of the event, I got a message out of the blue from her on Twitter saying she better see me that night. Since she was a beautiful girl and had many similar interests to me, I pounced right on it and said I'd see her there. Long story short, my dad was with me and got to meet her and we had a fantastic night with her and her friends with my dad as my wingman (cool, I know). Following that night, we began talking more seriously immediately with her coming on pretty strong and calling me her dream guy because I have a full time career, goals, and a degree at the age of 22 (she's 25 and still has a year left in school). With her coming on strong, saying things like 'wife me up' and saying it was half jokingly and her best friend saying we were going to get married based on the things she was telling her, I developed mutual feelings rather quickly and got to know quite a bit about her. A little over a week after that, we hung out at a theme park with her and the night went extremely well following having a few drinks to loosen me up. Given how the night went and how strong things felt between us, I asked her to be my girlfriend at the end of the night, which seemed to surprise her at first but she said yes in the end, but later said she hadn't expected it for weeks or months even which I told her I didn't want to waste her time or string her along and frankly didn't want anyone else to get her first given how incredible I thought she was.
That said, things went really well for the first few weeks. She hinted at saying 'I love you' within a little over a week of making it official and ultimately pulled the words out of me at the end of our date the day before Thanksgiving (our 4th time hanging out) which was also when we kissed for the first time. Before I said it, I hesisitated for a long time and told her I did not want to ruin anything by moving too fast, but she told me I couldn't do that, so I said it and she reciprocated and later on said she was happy we could finally say it and not dance around it. During our time together, she briefly discussed her past relationships here and there saying she had many short ones and had been treated horribly and sexually assaulted by at least two people. While the many relationships thing was a red flag, I shrugged it off after receiving the typical "but you're so different from them and have changed everything for me" speech that came after her telling me she was about to give up on dating for a while, which I was as well in order to focus on me and making more friends.
Fast forward to the last two weeks together, things were going great still in the first week of December where we planned on going to a concert together in March which I bought tickets for, she met my mom and hung out with my dad again (my mom loved her which is rare) where she said "Promise you'll never leave me. Please don't ever like anyone else. I just feel so sad when I'm not around you." to which I replied that I never would. This fear of abandonment was displayed many times throughout our short time together but it made me feel more confident that she wouldn't leave me given my abandonment issues I felt following the end of my 3.5 year relationship, boy was I wrong about that. With that, she also said that she had never been happier and was miserable with her life and had such extreme low self asteem but was happier than ever with me.
Then the first Thursday of December came and we were supposed to have a night together and likely lead into getting sexual with each other following several days of exchanging very passionate and sexual texts initiated by her where she said no one had ever made her feel that way before (boosting my confidence with my sexual prowess). Basically, she had a final that day and thought she failed which then led her to have a massive panic attack where she said she was crying in bed for hours and had to cancel coming over. That night, she called me after I got home from work and was saying she was sorry and that she was fine in between sobs to which I replied that I would drive to her with food and she could cry on my shoulder if she wanted but I didn't want her to be alone. To that, she said she didn't want me to see her like this, so I left it as it was and let her be.
The next day, she had to work as she usually did on Fridays and weekends. During that time, she was relatively quiet and it made me nervous given my long term relationship ending after my ex was cold and distant from me for 3 months after falling into a deep depression. Given this, I explained my feelings to her and before I could finish saying my fears, she said that she would never stop loving me and that she gets like this all the time and shuts down but she was never going to go anywhere and, silly me, I believed her for once and let my guard down completely. That next day, to make up for not seeing her that week, I planned to drive to her apt after she got home from work around 9pm and brought pizza over. She seemed a little off at first, but as the night went on and as more wine was had (which she often drank wine a lot and got way more open and loving when doing so), she became her normal self and we did a little fooling around while watching a movie and laughing but ended up going to sleep without doing anything too serious but she ended the night by saying she loved me and to please never leave her. She then woke up the next day and said the night was kind of a blur and had a headache after having 3-4 glasses of wine and I left so she could get ready for work (she's not a morning person).
After leaving, I felt quite great with how the night went but ultimately spent my time that day wanting to be with her more (she works Fri-Sun until 9pm and I'm off only on Sat/Sun) and was also quite needy since I thought I'd be losing my job at the time (I didn't but I did pursue and accept a new one). Each time she went back to work, she would say she loved me. At one point, I asked her for assurance that she'd never leave me so that part of my life would be stable and she reacted differently than usual by saying 'um, yeah' which I found odd. This was the start of a weird week of distancing and pushing and more anxiety than I've ever had before ultimately leading me to be very clingy and doing things to get any sort of attention or emotional response from her. I chocked all of this to her depressive/anxious episode but couldn't shake the feeling of something bad happening. She found out that weekend that she had indeed passed her exam with flying colors and I thought that would make her snap out of it but nope still the same (which has led me to think this episode was caused by how great our relationship was going)
That said, there were several days where she told me she needed space and felt suffocated ultimately resulting in silent treatments until she was ready to talk. Thursday of our final week came and we had plans to see Star Wars. The week prior, she wanted to spend as much time with me as possible and asked how early I could leave work, this time it was like pulling teeth to get her there any time before the movie. The movie was great and we held hands most of it with her exchanging a few looks my way and me kissing her hand/shoulder. After the moving, I had asked her to come upstairs just so I could see her for a bit, which she was not really interested in but came in the end. Before she left, I asked what she meant by the needing space stuff and she ultimately came out saying she realized how fast we moved and need to slow down and she feels she told me that by saying she needed space but that she still loves me. This obvioiusly left me confused, but I said okay, we can slow down even though the talks of marriage and moving in together were started by her and that we would not be getting married for years or moving in for at least a year.
The next day, I felt nervous still but a little more confident after seeking advice from friends and family on how to slow things down. I texted her slower while she was at work and let her lead the conversation. She sent me short responses, so I wouldn't reply for a while, which led her to say "can I ask you something" freaking me out but ultimately asking if she could come over the next Monday and spend the night so she could give me my Christmas gift before she went on vacation for two weeks. I said yes of course and tried to plan a night the next day with her and my mom since she agreed to come over and meet her again two weeks prior. After a bit of back and forth, I tried to get her to let me just come over to her place to save her from driving all the way to mine after work and she ended up blowing up on me and telling me to leave her alone and not talking to me for a full day then text me a day and a half later to break up with me while she was on break/on Twitter at work (this process took most of the day) and was extremely cold and mostly blaming me saying she's not ready for something this serious and that I asked her out too fast and just very cold and hurtful things.
We had some confusing back and forth after this when I hit a super low point and had suicidal thoughts followed by another blowup from her when I texted her while she was on vacation following me seeing her very clearly flirting with a new replacement who matched her type immediately after (and kind of start during her silent treatment) ending things with me. This blowup happened the day before New Year's and we hadn't talked since with NC essentially initiated by her with me texting last trying to reconcile and win her back (before recongizing she likely had BPD and thinking it was just commitment phobia). She then unfollowed me on both Twitter and Instagram but kept me on Facebook and Snapchat for some reason.
Fast forward to a few days ago, I received a text from her after two weeks of me not tweeting (mainly to focus on my own mental health, but parshly to test if she was checking in on me still). The text read 'Hey just wanted to check in' to which I didn't reply for over 24 hours despite the advice of blocking her from my therapist and all my friends. I ended up responding by asking why she wanted to and she said she was just wondering how I was doing. This is all after I did not look at her accounts for two weeks to save myself the heartache of seeing her with someone new which was then confirmed (on accident) by a friend that she was at least hanging out with him. Since these messages, there has been back and forth with her saying our last conversation was awful, that she sucks (after I told her how hurt I was), that we were supposed to be 'it' but her feelings changed totally, that she didn't like where our relationship was heading and how fast it happened and how fast I asked her out with us barely knowing each other. Yet, each time I've asked how it was moving too fast outside of words said, she won't answer.
After all of this, I stated that I did not feel comfortable discussing my life with her if she plans on popping in and out of it. She said we could be friends if I'm okay with it to which I responded that I wasn't sure I could handle seeing her with others. I also asked what she wants out of this and what her intentions are. She said friendship and that she doesn't see 'why we can't be casual and on good terms' to which I asked why me and not any of her other exes. She then said "because I valued our friendship more than our relationship" but we were never friends before the relationship.
I apologize for the massive post and thank those who read it all and help me, but I'm at my wits end here. I have never gone through something so traumatizing before and even after all of this, I still want her. Everyone says I need to move on and she herself said she doesn't want to be with me anymore but she's also said confusing things like "I can't believe you told your parents" when I told them we broke up (why would she care if we weren't together and how could I not since they met her). I wasn't looking for anything before her, but she quickly became the girl of my dreams with us having an insane amount of shared interests, beliefs, and a great chemistry in my opinion (her own best friend kept encouraging and hyping up everything about us). I have read many things on her about how being friends with an ex especially one with BPD does not work and that I should run in general, but I just can't figure out what to do. I'm very afraid to get hurt again and am a firm believer in being unable to be friends with your ex, but my hope deep down that I'm afraid to admit to anyone close to me since they pretty much hate her now and want me to move on is that I would hope me sticking around and showing her the reasons she fell for me the first time would make her do it again which would then give me the power to tell her we could try again but only if she seeks therapy.
Any advice would be much appreciated. I know this was a lot, but I wanted to put as many big key points as possible. Thanks for reading!
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