I feel devastated at the loss of my gorgeous daughter to BPD

[hjsinger]

My beautiful 15 year old daughter has been in a psychiatric unit as an inpatient now since August.  She was admitted following her 5th suicide attempt which resulted in me having to give CPR and then she was in a coma for a few days.

We have been battling for 2 years with something that we didn't understand.  Nobody knew what was wrong with her and we have been told many things by many professionals but I started reading a lot and asked if she could have BPD back in September and was told that it was highly unlikely and they would never diagnose this in someone so young.

Well today I was told that she definitely has an emerging personality disorder and they are confident that it is BPD. 

We feel lost... .and feel that our daughter is lost.  She doesn't resemble the child we knew and has developed such extreme views about her relationship with her Dad and Step-Dad that she won't return home (they tried to enforce more boundaries while I was manipulated out of fear by my daughter's emotional state).  Our daughter is so rigid that there is absolutely no empathy/emotion shown by her at all towards us and the impact that she is having on us all.  Her aim is to make her step-dad move out (he's been amazing with her and there since she was 4) and won't stop until I apologise for marrying him and in addition she refuses to have any relationship with her Dad either.  I have a 17 year old daughter who is very upset over the situation and loves her step-dad to bits and we also share a lovely 6 year old daughter together who doesn't deserve any of this.

Her psychiatrist believes that she is trying to split everyone to get me to herself and she continually tries to control me even now from the hospital daily by filling me with emotional black-mail/guilt trips when she doesn't get what she wants.  The hospital have said that she is completely resistant to any therapy at the moment and we are terrified that if they try to discharge her that she will attempt suicide again to regain control.

I am grieving my daughter.  I miss her dreadfully but don't see how to bring her back?  Any advice would be gratefully received.  I'm/we're all pretty desperate.  Hx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[frustratedmum]

I can totally understand what you are going through. I am going through something similar with my step daughter. I believe she is trying to split my husband and I up.  She also causes lots of problems with her biological mom and step dad. I really don't have any advice because i am very new to all this as well. My step daughter was diagnosed with BPD not long ago. But i hope you find comfort in the fact that you are not alone.   

[wendydarling]

Hi hjsinger

I join frustratedmom, welcoming you to the family  

That's a very traumatic situation you've been dealing with and to perform CPR on your daughter must have been so scary for you and days in coma. You are right there is reticence by some to diagnose minors, sounds like they've taken your lead and the psychiatrist has a good understanding.

I know well that feeling of being lost on a high sea, personal loss and grief you feel right now, it took me time to accept our situation, release myself from fear to action, how to move forwards, gently, patiently, small steps day by day - which I have learnt here with the family. I'm glad you've found us, you are certainly not alone, parents here understand what you are walking through with your beautiful daughter and your loving family.  

I share with you Lbjnlx's journey with her young daughter Residential Treatment Journey: Journal of 12 month journey that is posted at the top of our parents board here. Every parents journey shared here has helped me, it may not have been the exact situation I've found myself in as our situations are unique, it has helped me work through my situation toward solutions that work for us.

Can you ask the hospital how long they'll keep her, safe and what is their advice, your forward options are, as she is at this point resistant to treatment?  I'm in the UK and I leaned on the head of mental health services respectfully to carry out their duty of care.

Stay with us, it really helps, we look forward to getting to know you and supporting you.

WDx  

[hjsinger]

Thanks for being so welcoming.  It is lovely to know that there are people out there who understand.  :)ealing with this makes you feel SO isolated at times.  People ask how things are and how we are and we've got to the point where we put the fake smile on and say that we're fine because we know they just won't get it.

We are completely consumed at the moment by this.

The psychiatric hospital have said that they are at a loss.  They have no answers or ideas of how to treat her other than DBT (which she is currently resistant to) so their next plan is to discharge her into 'step-down care' as she is saying she won't return home. She is now too comfortable in there and is becoming institutionalised so they want to push her out into community care.  We're frightened as she still says she has suicidal ideation but we also understand that she can't be kept in hospital indefinitely if she is not going to be receptive to any therapies.  

wendydarling - what was the outcome of you leaning on the head of mental health services?  We feel that the hospital are now shirking their 'duty of care' to another service provider as they don't really know how to deal with her? xx

[hjsinger]

How are you getting on Wendydarling and frustratedmum?

xx

[wendydarling]

Hi there hjsinger

I'm doing very well and my DD is out of the woods after 3 years - thanks to meds and DBT   .

Yikes I missed replying, so very sorry about that.

Our situation was a 12 month waiting list for DBT which when desperate for help is just a big black hole and cycle trips back to the ER in the meantime. I kept calling the head regularly to ask where she was on the list, to make sure she was not forgotten. On one hospitalisation my 29DD caused a HUGE scene (she told me she was glad I was not there to see it) refusing to be discharged, it was late one Sunday night and the hospital called the head and they transferred her to a Woman's crisis home where there was a spare bed, for one month.  They also set up a 'bridge' for those on the waiting list, a weekly support group. In addition they offered those on the list for DBT Schema instead and many took it up - my DD stuck out for DBT. The bridge group really helped DD keep some kind of focus. The DBT team (UK NHS) were absolutely brilliant and I'm truly gutted for other sufferers and their loved ones that the key staff left over a period of a few months to go into private practice etc, so DBT was stopped last October. Fortunately for us this was just after my DD completed 14 months. DD says they are working to rebuild the team. I do believe the head of mental health responded as best they could to our cries for help and those of others, my constant phone calls, with the resources they had. And I'm very grateful for that.

How are you hjsinger, what's happening?

WDx