Changed her number again; I feel like the clingy, crazy one

[Pencil sketch]

Well, after changing her number, and causing me grief, she has done it again. It's just plain insanity.
Why did I ever get involved.
I am reeling.

[Jeffree]

Is this so she can trick you into receiving her calls or to prevent you from reaching her?

[Pencil sketch]

No, no trickery, she had cut me out of her life again.
I really have had enough.
May be I am the crazy one, that's how she has made me feel, why come back, to tell someone you still hate them, and bugger off again.
She isn't BPD, she is just bloody evil, sorry if that sounds extreme, but that's how it feels.
I have never experienced such pain and utter confusion.
I really do feel, like just bloody giving up.

[Jeffree]

why come back, to tell someone you still hate them, and bugger off again

Because she can?

I know it's so confusing and feels unfair. I am sure you have never felt as high a high with anyone else. Unfortunately, the lows are equally as low.

J

[Pencil sketch]

They are, and it gets harder, each time.
I can take comfort, in the fact this is it now, she won't be back.

Why do they seem to have problems, in the long term, with NC, but we are the ones who struggle, when they do reconnect.
She was very controlled, did her usual silent treatment, didn't message back for hours, yet I was the one, texting, wanting answers, yet, now she has gone again, I won't reach out.
I feel like the clingy crazy one.

[EdR]

Hi Pencil sketch,


I am sorry you are hurting so much. Because I feel quite similar right now, I would like to share some thoughts with you.

Because I do not know the contents of your text I will refer mostly to my situation. I just sent her a small Merry Christmas text for Christmas. She replied in a concise but cordial way. I felt happy. I convinced myself I could do low contact. Well... .I could and can. She cannot.
I messaged her again a few days after New Year just to say best wishes. No reply.
Then I messaged her more than 3 weeks later, asking how she was doing.
No reply.

3 extremely concise messages over a 3 month period (after 2 months NC). Nothing more. But I just learned she has put me on 'ignore' mode.
With all the psychogical help in the world I am just not able to see myself as a stalker here. So I can NOT understand her behaviour. And it hurts. It hurts like hell.

My thoughts on my situation and on yours are this: just focus on what her behaviour really tells us:
-) she does NOT want any contact (until she feels otherwise)

We don't understand and it even feels absurd. No normal human being would act this way. Or at least we wouldn't.
So what does that mean? For me this means one thing
-) she does not have the same coping skills as we have. She seems unable to deal with the situation in our 'normal' way.

I still wish she could... .but it really seems to be a skill deficit. I wish I could say she is a cold-hearted b**ch, but her actions seem to indicate that it DOES affect her. Why would she change her number in your situation, if that were not the case?
She just wants the easy way out. No discussion, no pain, just running away.

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks EdR, I have come to that conclusion too. I did the same, last year, changed my number, and went back, but I made my reasons clear. Part of me thinks, it's just pay back for what i did, but I know, what a hassle changing her number would be.
Her first message, set the course for the rest of our brief communication, she was very cold, and didn't give any positive feeling, is this normal for someone with BPD?
I did say, i found it very unnerving that she wasn't communicating, but still has me as a contact, so I suppose, she did what I asked, and walked away, which doesnt bother me, it's the fact, once again, she has disappeared, with no communication.
I admit, I completely lost it, the sheer frustration, that she has done this again, and I still don't know why, that's all I wanted to know.
Her last message was, you aren't a nice person, you are not my friend, and it struck a chord, she sounded like a lost 5 yr old, and I suppose it boils down to the fact, that's what she is.
I feel like the stalker, and the crazy one, and am wondering, if it's me who has BPD, I came across as the clingy one, and left in pieces again, and she has picked up from where she left off.
This is a real mind bender.
Thanks for your reply xx

[EdR]

Hi Pencil sketch,


You are most welcome. Just one little thing: for me the fact that you are able to talk about your pwBPD on these boards and even try to find and analyze your own possible shortcomings... .well... .that's proof enough for me that you are NOT a pwBPD.
In a way I thought that my pwBPDs were almost similar to someone with Autism in a way... .Don't really have the time now to expand on that, but I hope you perhaps grasp what I mean. It's a coping mechanism which feels somewhat similar... .

[Pencil sketch]

I get you. I am looking at the positives, and know, this is it.
She said alot of hurtful things, as I did, but my guilt, is a sign, i am a whole person, I will sit through the pain, and deception, not bury it under a false persona, and unleash my fury onto someone else.
I know I gave her everything I had, and for what ever reason, one day she will realise it too.