Communication?

[Methos]

My dBPDw left home several weeks ago.  Since that day, there has been no communication between us.  She's living on her own and I can see now that she planned her departure over several months, maybe a year.  She wanted it to appear that the decision was made after an argument that she started a few weeks before she left. She's the one who threatened to leave and actually did.  She has told her family that I threw her out.  That's not true, but they believe her.  I don't know if she's happy with her decision or if she's depressed and angry.  I assume that she misses seeing some of those she left behind.  With her BPD, I'm not sure what she's really thinking or feeling.  Our kids don't want to see her right now and I don't blame them.

I don't know if I should contact her by email or text and ask her how she's doing.  She might see any communication as a sign that I want her to come home.  The truth, is that I feel much less stress in my life.  Life seems much easier than it did before she left.  But, I'm also concerned that by not communicating with her, she'll get pissed off and show up at our house mad as hell and launch into one of her tirades.  She hasn't filed for divorce, but I'm thinking about it.  There was no discussion on the subject before she left.

Through the years, she has done far more damage than she knows or will ever acknowledge.  My love for her died over the years as she threw insults and hate at me during her, "episodes."  Our kids miss her, but they're also worried she'll come back and be angry.  They're old enough to understand that their mom has a mental illness.  With this decision to go, they understand BPD a little better. There are times when she can be very pleasant and funny.  I'd like our kids to have a relationship with their mother, but not the kind they've seen when she's upset. I don't know how she'd react to a visit from them.  She might put on her, "outside the home," face and be very pleasant.  Or, she might be aloof and hostile.

Over the years, she threatened to leave and threatened divorce more times than I can remember, but this is the first time she has acted on her threat.  So, it's unfamiliar territory. I don't want to live with her again, but I wouldn't want to learn that she hurt or killed herself.  She made suicide threats many years ago, but hasn't lately.  I don't know what her frame of mind is.  Maybe it's too early to know.  It's a crazy situation and I'm not certain what to do.  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Methos

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Methos, I suggest that you focus on your needs and what you would like to see happen, because her feelings and actions are beyond your control.  In other words, put your energy where your power is, i.e., in yourself.  Whether to reach out is something I think you should decide for yourself, rather than as a function of how "pissed off" she might get if she doesn't hear from you.  Apparently your kids don't want to see her at present, so that is a consideration.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings and work outwards from there.

LuckyJim

[Speck]

So sorry you're going through this.  Been there.

I would think that someone who so cavalierly walked away from you and your/her kids would not be owed nor deserve a check-up phone call/email in order to check her weather or in order to keep her mollified.  Further still, especially not someone who so calculatingly schemed to do so... .

Behavior has consequences.  Adults know this.  Allow her to learn what walking away means.  Not chasing her is actually a compassionate thing to do not only for yourself, but also for her.

It's only natural to be curious and worried about her, but reaching out at this time may borrow trouble for your kind effort.

Just my thoughts tonight... .

-Speck

[Methos]

I appreciate your comments, Jim and Speck.  It has been a tough time!  You're right, I need to focus on the things I can control.  My kids still need me.  They've told me that they've always known I loved them unconditionally.  Their mother's love was very conditional.  They need some time away from her and so do I.  We need to heal and realize that we no longer have to walk on eggshells in our home.  I know it will take some time and conscious effort. 

She made her decisions without any communication with me and now she needs to live with the consequences.  I can't change her, I can only change me and how I view things in life and continue to love our kids.

Thanks again!

Methos

[Speck]

She made her decisions without any communication with me and now she needs to live with the consequences.  I can't change her, I can only change me and how I view things in life and continue to love our kids.

Now, that's what I'm talkin' about!

Onward and upward.

-Speck

[Lucky Jim]

Agree w/Speck.  Keep up the good work!  LJ