Rebound relationships: what is healthy, unhealthy, and what is in the grey zone?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've never been a supportor of the idea that the "best way to get over someone is to get under someone else... ."

but some researchers might lean in that direction.

Too fast, too soon? An empirical investigation into rebound relationships
Claudia C. Brumbaugh, R. Chris Fraley

A “rebound relationship” is commonly understood as a relationship that is initiated shortly after a romantic breakup—before the feelings about the former relationship have been resolved. However, little research has examined the consequences of quickly beginning new romantic relationships after another has ended. In two studies we examined people who experienced a breakup and assessed their well-being, their feelings about their ex-partner, and whether they were seeing someone new. Analyses indicated that people in new relationships were more confident in their desirability and had more resolution over their ex-partner. Among those in new relationships, the speed with which they began their relationship was associated with greater psychological and relational health. Overall, these findings suggest that rebound relationships may be more beneficial than typically believed.

Full study here: www.journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0265407514525086

My point here, is simply, there are not hard and fast rules. A clearly, in a support group we don't do well with overly simplistic models.

My own experiences is that if I get out too soon, my emotions don't take things far. My experience is also that when I do eventually connect, even if years after the breakup, I do see things more clearly.

So where is the dividing line between clearly healthy, clearly unhealthy, and what is in the grey zone in the middle that "depends" on how we handle it?

[Skip]

I've never been a supportor of the idea that the "best way to get over someone is to get under someone else... ."

but some researchers might lean in that direction.

Too fast, too soon? An empirical investigation into rebound relationships
Claudia C. Brumbaugh, R. Chris Fraley

A “rebound relationship” is commonly understood as a relationship that is initiated shortly after a romantic breakup—before the feelings about the former relationship have been resolved. However, little research has examined the consequences of quickly beginning new romantic relationships after another has ended. In two studies we examined people who experienced a breakup and assessed their well-being, their feelings about their ex-partner, and whether they were seeing someone new. Analyses indicated that people in new relationships were more confident in their desirability and had more resolution over their ex-partner. Among those in new relationships, the speed with which they began their relationship was associated with greater psychological and relational health. Overall, these findings suggest that rebound relationships may be more beneficial than typically believed.

Full study here: www.journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0265407514525086

My point here, is simply, there are not hard and fast rules. A clearly, in a support group we don't do well with overly simplistic models.

My own experiences is that if I get out too soon, my emotions don't take things far. My experience is also that when I do eventually connect, even if years after the breakup, I do see things more clearly.

So where is the dividing line between clearly healthy, clearly unhealthy, and what is in the grey zone in the middle that "depends" on how we handle it?

[happendtome]

I believe it has some truth inside it.

Question is, do we settle and dive into new relationships or are we doing some research and try to figure out what went wrong last time. Latter one should, at least theoretically, save us from future problems.

But yes, you can do well, there is a possibility that rebound works rest of your life, but odds for that are small.
Its also possible to do one rebound after another and another. I believe that some people can be happy even with that kind of life. I dont want to judge whats right for someone. Personally, i dont take this route, but i believe this empirical investigation is not wrong.

[Skip]

Some quotes... .

A common assumption is that it is necessary to stay single for a period after a breakup in
order to recover and be successful in future relationships (Snyder, 1993). However, there
is very little research that touches on the pros and cons of rebound relationships or the
validity of the claims typically made of them.

We found in the first study that people who reported being insecurely attached while
they were involved with their original partner tended to begin their next relationships
more quickly than secure individuals. The fact that people who began new relationships
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Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 32(1)
immediately were higher functioning (e.g., they had higher self-esteem and well-being)
but also tended to be relatively insecure in their previous relationship might appear con-
tradictory at first glance.

As previously discussed, rebounders in Study 2 also
tended to use their past partner to understand their current partner, another indication that
rebounders were still grounded in the past.

I think this latter point is where I see problems. It's bringing baggage from the old relationship to the new. I know I struggled with this a bit  - while I didn't talk about my ex to people I dated, some of the sensitivities from the prior relationship hadn't been resolved. Carrying baggage in can destroy the new relationship.

My general feeling is that casual dating is best. If we are trying to replace the ex or fall in love, that is too much, too soon. If we are having coffee, going to movies, playing softball... .seeing more than one person (even), and above all, being honest that we are out of a relationship and wanting to casual date (because, its not fair to someone looking for a partner to just date and tie them up).

[once removed]

My general feeling is that casual dating is best.

i think that sums it up.

for some people, casual dating is a normal activity in their life. therefore, upon exiting a relationship, casual dating would be a practical form of "getting back to normal". there is a line between "casual dating is my norm" and "i always need to be in a relationship" and its finer for some than others.

i took a good year off before seeing anyone. i was especially sensitive to rejection and prospective romantic partners can see that. i was also more interested in the whole process of "being the best version of myself", seeing how that played out, observing it, taking steps, taking notes, than getting into a romantic relationship.

i did flirt some. that felt good. it was nice to be reminded that other women find me attractive, which reminds me: i read some advice from someone here once that said its a good idea, after the breakup, to surround yourself with people that love you, to see the best parts of you mirrored back in their eyes. i whole heartedly agree with that. i also think in both circumstances, its not difficult to take that mentality too far.

humans are all needy people. its important that we acknowledge and tend to our needs. i think its also important that as we face adversity, we learn to stand on our own, to validate ourselves, to be healthy and whole without others. i felt the breakup, and my circumstances after it, was somewhat of a process of working out a lot of my neediness. some of the most healing moments came for me when friends or family no longer knew what to say, were frustrated, and i sat in my room alone and cried.

doesnt it really all come back to how much we depend on validation in our lives?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Skip, Great topic!  I wonder whether it might be helpful to draw a distinction between BPD rebounds and what I would describe as garden-variety rebounds.  Leaving a BPD r/s, needless to say, can leave one completely depleted and/or devastated, which takes time to heal from.  On the other hand, leaving a healthy r/s that has run its course may involve a shorter recovery period, in which case a rebound r/s may be beneficial, as the research you quoted above seems to indicate.

This topic is particularly apt for me because I parted ways from a SO two months ago and am currently having coffee and going to the movies with a nice person who makes me laugh, as you describe:

If we are having coffee, going to movies, playing softball... .seeing more than one person (even), and above all, being honest that we are out of a relationship and wanting to casual date

.

I'm not trying to replace my NonBPD Ex nor projecting that we will fall in love.  Instead, I'm striving to let things unfold naturally, which feels OK to me at this juncture.

LuckyJim

[Fie]

Maybe it also depends on how much baggage we have ?

My last relationship (NPD/BPD) is 3 years ago. I only recently felt like I am able to 'date' again. I just needed a lot of time and effort to work things through, and to get healthier myself.

If I would have been 'emotionally healthier' upon exiting that relationship, then it would not have taken me so much time. But then again, my last relationship would probably not have been with BPD either.

[Wolfsocks]

Thank you for this article. I found it very interesting. My former friends (the ones my former partner got to keep) think I am a ruthless rebounder.

However... .I think my situation is very complex. I have been with my ex for over 10 years but at the end of the relationship it wasn't really a relationship anymore. She's a raging workaholic. I think it's a coping strategy for the vast emptiness she feels. Due to her addiction we spent less and less time together in the last four years. We had no noteworthy sex life. No romance. No family visits together. We even slept in different rooms every night. I enabled her workaholism as a live-in housekeeper and emotional regulator. She had stopped growing emotionally even before we met and it got more and more difficult to interact with her on an eye-to-eye level.

So when I left I only freed myself from a relationship that had already been dead for a long time.

I think general wisdom simply doesn't apply to people "rebounding" after a break-up with a BPD:

1. Many ex-partners of pwBPD spend years if not decades in dysfunctional constellations that don't even deserve the term "relationship". It's like being singly - only worse. It's like being a single parent to an eternal child.

2. Ex-partners of pwBPD tend to be very caring and supportive people (there are high numbers of HSPs among us) who search for initimate and loving relationships.

3. pwBPDs tend to be (at least in my case) savagely jealous of other important people in their partner's life. So not only was I stuck in a lame excuse for a relationship which drained most of my energy... .I also wasn't allowed to spend much time with my friends and family.

I find it very understandable when people who have endured the ordeal of a BPD-relationship are impatient to finally enter into a real relationship with a emotionally stable partner. At least that's how it went for me.

I have given ten years to this person and a large portion of my youth. Now it's simply unacceptable for me to wait even a second longer. I want to live my life freely and with a partner of my heart's desire.

So I might qualify as a "rebounder". But I feel more like a person who has been lonely and miserable for years who finally found the courage to pursue true love.

[araneina]

I wanted to jump into a rebound after my ex but... .well, 1) I was moving states, and 2) I wanted to get a handle on why I allowed myself to get in so deep with this guy so I don't repeat that mistake again. 

I'll admit, the first time we "broke up" I jumped right back on OKC and even scheduled a date with a new guy, but the moment my ex came back into the picture I dumped the other guy like a sack of potatoes.  Not... .really the nicest thing I've ever done.

[Jeffree]

Rebound? I don't even know what I want.

A kind female friend/companion to speak to, have dinner with, see a movie with, no fuss no muss, zero pressure or confusion, or something like that seems like a good idea. But I don't know how realistic it is for the other person to share her time with me like that. I might be chasing a unicorn with that idea.

It seems to me that most people need a spark, a possibility above and beyond friendship to engage. I dunno. But the prospect of starting all over with a complete random stranger seems unappealing. I'm old enough where I can begin accepting being alone for a while, getting back into me, and repairing ALL the damage my ex left in her wake.

J

[once removed]

my best friend was in a relationship for about four years. it had been dead for a long time. she did not have BPD, but you would very much recognize the relationship dynamics as similar. 

there was a gal he worked with who had always been interested in him. on the night of the breakup, he started courting her. i supported it. i liked her, at first. both of us rationalized that it made sense.

he spent several years in a loveless marriage to her. he withdrew from the rest of his life and lost a lot of himself. he was cheated on. he spent countless nights not knowing where she was, who she was with, or when shed be back. after several years he finally divorced her.

they have two children and a decent coparenting relationship. he still struggles from time to time.

hes not the only one ive seen this kind of thing happen to. rebound relationships, immediate gratification, they are easy things to rationalize. healthy relationships, good mental health in general, these things take discipline, hard decisions, and time to cultivate.

[Bo123]

Quoted from Once Removed:

hes not the only one ive seen this kind of thing happen to. rebound relationships, immediate gratification, they are easy things to rationalize. healthy relationships, good mental health in general, these things take discipline, hard decisions, and time to cultivate."

I couldn't agree more and all my life that has been proven true in all the relationships I've seen.  I would bet 95% of T's would agree, not all but I wouldn't want to be in that 5%.

[valet]

As a general rule, I don't really have a problem with rebound relationships, as long as everyone knows what's what and isn't confusing fun for love or commitment.

So, it always depends. They can be good for people that see their rebound partner for what they are, and bad for those that don't. As usual, it is always about emotional maturity.

I tend to be more discerning and I guess I have natural fears of doing the 'casual' thing, but that's just me. I have had flings or rebounds that I enjoyed, had ones that I interpreted as more serious relationships than my partner thought, and have had others that my partner interpreted as being more serious than I thought. In the end, none of them were a big deal. C'est la vie, I guess.

Moving forward and learning is the most important thing. If we're using different relationships to avoid change, that's when it becomes a problem in my book.

[Seenowayout]

I got lucky.  I rebounded into a relationship with a singularly unique individual who listened to my story, did not judge me, related similar experiences of her own, and allows room for me to heal from it.  She is supportive, nurturing, affirming, nonjudgmental -- everything my ex was not.  I am still healing, and it leads to occasional worry on her part, but she gets it and she's helping.  I don't think there would have been a rebound with anyone else.  From either side's point of view.  Like I said, I got very lucky.

[Zen606]

Perhaps on the surface we do better in a rebound because we are distracted with someone new? Because the problem -- ex -- is "gone". However, I believe that a rebound relationship can hide unresolved issues of a past relationship. When things are unresolved they tend to linger, unless we process these in therapy while we engage in a new relationship.
Thoughts?
Zen606

[Moselle]

Great article Skip. Thanks for sharing.

My point here, is simply, there are not hard and fast rules. A clearly, in a support group we don't do well with overly simplistic models.

I agree. If the common goal is to have a healthy relationship, there will be many different definitions of "healthy" and many paths to get there.

My general feeling is that casual dating is best. If we are trying to replace the ex or fall in love, that is too much, too soon. If we are having coffee, going to movies, playing softball... .seeing more than one person (even), and above all, being honest that we are out of a relationship and wanting to casual date (because, its not fair to someone looking for a partner to just date and tie them up).

I did a fair bit of casual dating post breakup which was fun, however I've also had 3 more serious relationships all of which have taught me very important lessons. The first turned out BPD and this shock and subsequent break up by me, triggered me into joining CoDA, which assisted my recovery immensely.

Similarly the other two have been invaluable in terms of my personal growth.

I didn't enter them for growth ( I considered them potential permanent partners) but it turned out that way. So this adds some weight to the argument that most of our healing happens within relationships not outside them.

I am less needy now. Happy to date someone I find interesting. Comfortable that I can and will end it if there is unhealthy dysfunction.

I subscribe to a basic model of getting to know someone, seeing if trust develops without worrying too much about where the friendship/ relationship is going.

If trust develops and if I feel comfortable, I'll commit. It hasn't happened yet but I believe it will.

[Radcliff]

I think everyone on this thread, contributing different perspectives, is working to form a pretty coherent picture.  Let me expand on Skip's suggestion about casual dating to propose that the seriousness of our romantic interactions should not get out ahead of any resolution we need to do regarding the last relationship.  Fie and Lucky Jim pointed to situations where the person had had a rough ride -- this might require more time.

I really liked once removed's example of flirting.  This is on the lowest scale of seriousness, and flirting can even be extended to non-romantic situations, like talking to your boss's secretary or the woman at the register in the grocery store.  Kept within socially acceptable limits of course, these can be great opportunities for someone feeling unconfident and beaten down to develop some confidence in a safe setting (if you get rejected, just use a different checkout line next time   If you greet that register person with a smile, and they smile back, it's a victory!  Doing this all over town (within acceptable limits of course  ) can really help you feel more confident and energized.

wolfsocks' point about being impatient to find a stable partner after a BPD relationship really resonates.  But it fits in with all the other comments.  It underscores that there shouldn't be a set "waiting period."  But if you're moving fast, you need to make sure you don't get out ahead of yourself.  Work with a therapist might help you move more safely in this mode, allowing you to get out there without getting into trouble.

once removed made an important point about the risk of leaping too soon.  In the example he gave of his friend, it is possible that his friend either didn't detect signs of a poor match at the beginning, or he allowed the level of seriousness to progress too fast.  Both potential problems could arise from unresolved childhood issues (needing to feel accepted and loved, etc.) or past relationship trauma.

It would be interesting to see a study that considered the level of trauma in the previous relationship, used some kind of measure of resolution of past trauma (as opposed to just time), and looked at the long-term health of the next relationship.

WW

[pearlsw]

Interesting topic! I always felt like it was best to do this by the "rulebook" and have a waiting period in-between. On the other hand, once, to get past a relationship I knew I should end, but was afraid I might go back to, I jumped into dating pretty quickly (within a month) in order to help block that. I needed to break the bond with the previous person... .

In that case I ended up meeting a really cool guy, but it was also my first brush with, way before this website existed unfortunately, a partner with BPD traits. He was a lot of fun to date so in that sense I have no regrets, but his self-harming stuff and unusual bouts of anger (not directed at me fortunately) and his sudden NC at the end... .were things I'd never want to relive though. None of the red flags would have come up fast enough for me to notice though... .but after spending time here I feel like I'd more carefully select a future partner. I hope so!  No one's perfect, but I wouldn't mind an easier go of things or even some well deserved solitude.

[Jeffree]

I wouldn't mind an easier go of things or even some well deserved solitude.

Hey, want to enjoy some solitude together? 

I do joke around sometimes.

J

[once removed]

In the example he gave of his friend, it is possible that his friend either didn't detect signs of a poor match at the beginning, or he allowed the level of seriousness to progress too fast.  Both potential problems could arise from unresolved childhood issues (needing to feel accepted and loved, etc.) or past relationship trauma.

he would tell you that he mainly was on the race to have a family. very eager, damn the torpedoes. who, at some level, isnt? it can be a major driver toward a rebound relationship, or just simply taking things too quickly when we find one.

My experience is also that when I do eventually connect, even if years after the breakup, I do see things more clearly.

i can certainly relate to that. ive never really "rebounded", but i did have a tendency not to fully grieve the prior relationship before entering into a new one, even if there was quite a while in between. i did tend to see things more clearly. my idealization of them, often at my own expense, would wear off. i would look back and no longer recognize myself. that doesnt seem like a bad or unhealthy thing, and im not sure how i could have avoided it if it was.

the problem in long story short version, is that while i was "doing a little better each time", i was, in a variety of ways, limiting my list of potential partners, and connecting to the same old spark each time. a lot of us look for that "soulmate" feeling immediately, recognize that as love and connection, reject or are rejected by anything else. instant chemistry isnt inherently bad, it helps us decide if we want to go on that second date or third, problems can arise when we over invest in it.

my two takeaways, whether youre rebounding, or whether its been a while:

1. fully grieve the previous relationship
2. intimacy, trust, long term chemistry, all of these things are built slowly over time.

[pearlsw]

I wouldn't mind an easier go of things or even some well deserved solitude.

Hey, want to enjoy some solitude together? 

I do joke around sometimes.

J

excellent!  

i like to joke too! keeps me smiling!

[Bo123]

A hot topic as many move on quickly because their exBPD partners do. IMO, bad idea.  I don't care what the research says, every time you sleep with someone you give up something you can never get back again.  That's the humanistic approach.  Fall off a horse, get right back on again is the desperate approach.  I agree with skip that the best way to get over someone is not to get under someone else.  Time for T if you do as your lifestyle is prone to problems or you don't understand healthy relationships.