Sister with BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone, 

I'm new here and decided to join tonight after having another fight with my sister. My sister was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago but she's had traits as far as I can remember.

Tonight, I slipped and said the wrong thing, I don't even remember what it was, but now she's staring into space, on the verge of tears, (stopping to make sure I'm looking) and gripping something in her hand so tightly I can hear the plastic groan. She's telling me about how I think she's a monster. Yes, she's telling me what I'm thinking because somehow to her, that's possible. In her own mind, she's never wrong, she's always the only one who has the right idea and the only one who understands.

I know she's mentally ill, I do. I understand that there is a reason she's like this, and it comes from a lot of trauma and low self esteem. But for just once I wish that she would stop wearing the label like a badge. I just wish I could go a day without her spitting venomous insults and then pinning "I have BPD" to the end of it, so I have no right to even get upset. For once, I'd like to be able to get angry without her screaming about how I "never loved her" or that I'm a heartless sociopath. She's the only one in this house allowed to feel anything anymore, and if I so much as frown, I'm a ___.

I remember even as a child she would start the screaming matches with my parents, and I would go and hide in the linen closet. My poor parents, they love her to death and she never seems to show gratitude. Even now when I hear a certain type of yelling, the yelling where you're not just raising your voice, but throwing it out of your heart; I have a psychosomatic seizure until the screaming stops.

She doesn't shower, pick up her clothes, change them, she hasn't brushed her teeth in years; and again, I know this is caused by mental illness, but I just want to go a day without being her mother. That being said, our mother works day in, day out. She's a wonderful woman and I don't think we could have gotten better parents. But still, when my parents are out at work, I'm picking up her clothes, reminding her to eat, reminding her not to stay online all day. She's 17. I'm the younger sister, and just for once I'd like to feel like it. I never got the big sister people always talked about, I got a child I didn't sign up for. I'm 15 and trying to figure out my own life, I didn't want an extra one to tend to.

I know this whole post sounds so "holier-than-thou" but truly, I can't take it anymore, and this is only scratching the surface, just what I could think of tonight. I try so so so hard. I'm trying to pick up the slack she drops, trying to help my parents, trying to help my best friend who has a whole complicated family life of her own, trying to get my grades up, trying to look towards the future, but I just try try try try try try and it only seems to get harder and harder.


I'm truly sorry if this sounded mean, it's just been a night.

Thank you for reading.

[Stronginside]

Hi everyone, 

I'm new here and decided to join tonight after having another fight with my sister. My sister was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago but she's had traits as far as I can remember.

Tonight, I slipped and said the wrong thing, I don't even remember what it was, but now she's staring into space, on the verge of tears, (stopping to make sure I'm looking) and gripping something in her hand so tightly I can hear the plastic groan. She's telling me about how I think she's a monster. Yes, she's telling me what I'm thinking because somehow to her, that's possible. In her own mind, she's never wrong, she's always the only one who has the right idea and the only one who understands.

I know she's mentally ill, I do. I understand that there is a reason she's like this, and it comes from a lot of trauma and low self esteem. But for just once I wish that she would stop wearing the label like a badge. I just wish I could go a day without her spitting venomous insults and then pinning "I have BPD" to the end of it, so I have no right to even get upset. For once, I'd like to be able to get angry without her screaming about how I "never loved her" or that I'm a heartless sociopath. She's the only one in this house allowed to feel anything anymore, and if I so much as frown, I'm a ___.

I remember even as a child she would start the screaming matches with my parents, and I would go and hide in the linen closet. My poor parents, they love her to death and she never seems to show gratitude. Even now when I hear a certain type of yelling, the yelling where you're not just raising your voice, but throwing it out of your heart; I have a psychosomatic seizure until the screaming stops.

She doesn't shower, pick up her clothes, change them, she hasn't brushed her teeth in years; and again, I know this is caused by mental illness, but I just want to go a day without being her mother. That being said, our mother works day in, day out. She's a wonderful woman and I don't think we could have gotten better parents. But still, when my parents are out at work, I'm picking up her clothes, reminding her to eat, reminding her not to stay online all day. She's 17. I'm the younger sister, and just for once I'd like to feel like it. I never got the big sister people always talked about, I got a child I didn't sign up for. I'm 15 and trying to figure out my own life, I didn't want an extra one to tend to.

I know this whole post sounds so "holier-than-thou" but truly, I can't take it anymore, and this is only scratching the surface, just what I could think of tonight. I try so so so hard. I'm trying to pick up the slack she drops, trying to help my parents, trying to help my best friend who has a whole complicated family life of her own, trying to get my grades up, trying to look towards the future, but I just try try try try try try and it only seems to get harder and harder.


I'm truly sorry if this sounded mean, it's just been a night.

Thank you for reading.

[ConcernedMan92]

 

You've just explained my exBPD fiance and her sister, I was always cleaning up after them, although she's your sister you shouldn't have to deal with bad behavior. You should try talking to her after it all cools down, just be very validating but don't let her hang blames on you cause it enables their bad behavior. It's normal to feel all that frustration we are human after all, its just that their emotions are stronger and they feel way more than us and sometimes not enough at the same time. It's really confusing to understand them cause you think you know them completely only to realize later you don't know anything at all.

Family is important, whenever things escalate just let time patch things up between you two and try to avoid saying anything bad about her, cause you'll get blamed again in a later conversation. Try to understand its not her fault and its upto you to be the bigger person most of the time. Wish you all the best! Stay strong! 

[HappyChappy]

Hey,

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with all this and you have every right to complain about it. Problem someone with BPD doesn’t change easily if at all, and your parents, like you, will probably be programmed to walk on egg shells. I use to count the days until I could leave home, it was so liberating.

She's 17. I'm the younger sister, and just for once I'd like to feel like it.

I was the young brother to a NPD, I also had to cook for him etc... .

Even now when I hear a certain type of yelling, the yelling where you're not just raising your voice, but throwing it out of your heart; I have a psychosomatic seizure until the screaming stops.

You have a very eloquent turn of phrase, I know that yelling. My BPD mother would lock horns with my NPD and scorch the earth dry, they could argue for days. Our BPD always won, she had too.

It does sound like right now you need to focus on yourself right now. If we live with someone with  BPD, we are typically programmed to put ourselves last. Which means we can be very poor at asking for help. So it’s great you’ve posted here, but keep it going. You clearly need, and deserve help. Possibly a therapist, school councillor, friend or your parents. I appreciate you parents are probably programmed to keep your BPD sister quiet first and foremost, but if you don’t ask you don’t get. The squeaky wheel gets the oil, not that you sister is a squeaky but... .

Feel free to vent on here, you have always got this forum as a given. But I would recommend considering therapy etc. You are at an age where there are lots of big pressures in a standard life, let alone a BPD family one. You should be focusing on your grades, and judging by how you write, you should do well at English. You should be focusing on yourself. So please do keep asking for help. Let us know how you get on.

[Stronginside]

Hey,

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with all this and you have every right to complain about it. Problem someone with BPD doesn’t change easily if at all, and your parents, like you, will probably be programmed to walk on egg shells. I use to count the days until I could leave home, it was so liberating. I was the young brother to a NPD, I also had to cook for him etc... .You have a very eloquent turn of phrase, I know that yelling. My BPD mother would lock horns with my NPD and scorch the earth dry, they could argue for days. Our BPD always won, she had too.

It does sound like right now you need to focus on yourself right now. If we live with someone with  BPD, we are typically programmed to put ourselves last. Which means we can be very poor at asking for help. So it’s great you’ve posted here, but keep it going. You clearly need, and deserve help. Possibly a therapist, school councillor, friend or your parents. I appreciate you parents are probably programmed to keep your BPD sister quiet first and foremost, but if you don’t ask you don’t get. The squeaky wheel gets the oil, not that you sister is a squeaky but... .

Feel free to vent on here, you have always got this forum as a given. But I would recommend considering therapy etc. You are at an age where there are lots of big pressures in a standard life, let alone a BPD family one. You should be focusing on your grades, and judging by how you write, you should do well at English. You should be focusing on yourself. So please do keep asking for help. Let us know how you get on.

Thank you so much, I'm really glad I joined this website; It's nice to know other people are experiencing the exact same thing I am. Thank you for your kind words 

[Stronginside]

 

You've just explained my exBPD fiance and her sister, I was always cleaning up after them, although she's your sister you shouldn't have to deal with bad behavior. You should try talking to her after it all cools down, just be very validating but don't let her hang blames on you cause it enables their bad behavior. It's normal to feel all that frustration we are human after all, its just that their emotions are stronger and they feel way more than us and sometimes not enough at the same time. It's really confusing to understand them cause you think you know them completely only to realize later you don't know anything at all.

Family is important, whenever things escalate just let time patch things up between you two and try to avoid saying anything bad about her, cause you'll get blamed again in a later conversation. Try to understand its not her fault and its upto you to be the bigger person most of the time. Wish you all the best! Stay strong! 

Thank you 

[once removed]

I am very sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you right now, and it is great to see you reaching out for help and support - a very brave and scary thing to do!

Unfortunately, our site requires the members to be at least 18 years old.  There are resources of the type you're seeking. Please check out www.teenhelp.org, and additionally,

www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/AskIt/Pages/default.aspx

1-800-448-3000
www.youthcrisisline.org/

I would also like to encourage you to talk to your school counselor or school social worker about your struggles right now.  Having a person to confide in can be very helpful.  I wish you well in your search, and we will be here when you turn 18.