Feeling unloved/unwanted - does she love me?

[Yuu]

I am in a relationship with this girl for almost five years now so we had our ups an downs but she had a self harming behavior so I asked a doc. And he told me she probably has BPD so I took her to him and he confirmed it but she doesn't know she thinks I took her because I have problems and the doc. Wants someone close to me to talk to, anyway the relationship is very hard and I mostly feel unloved by her and unwanted... She lies much and hide things... I just want to know if she loves me and how to deal with her because she means the world to me (she doesn't know about her BPD and her parents fight alot so she refuses to tell them about going to a doc. For the self harming)

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Yu,

I am sorry to hear about the troubles in your relationship. Welcome to the community!  I have been with my partner for seven years and I have to admit at times it is not easy to be sure he loves me. That is understandably very painful.

Have you read much yet about self-harming, about the emotional pain she is in and why she behaves in this way?

There are a lot of tools here that can help improve communication. It takes time, patience, and practice, but you may see some results or at least feel better that you are offering the best you can from your side of things.

Is she going to keep seeing a doc to get some help with the self-harming issue?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Yuu,

I"m sorry you are having difficulty in your relationship. Being in a relationship with someone with BPD can be full of ups and downs. It's hard.

How long have you and your partner been together?

What kinds of things does she hide or lie to you about?

[Jeffree]

Yuu,

   

I just want to know if she loves me and how to deal with her because she means the world to me

I am so sorry that you can't be more resolute in knowing if your SO loves you or not. I doubt anyone on this planet could know this definitively, including her.

However, can you share a little bit of the war being waged in your thoughts about how her loving you or not will impact your involvement with her?

Lastly, I ask you to start thinking a bit about your own love for yourself and how much Yuu loves Yuu.

J

[Yuu]

I have no idea how to use this site or even online blogs and such .
so I am really sorry .

tattered heart ,

we have been together for almost four years .we are in high school I am senior .
she doesn't tell me the full truth and it hurts when I know that because I really hate lies and I don't want the trust gone or anything , she mostly hide things and when I know she says I didn't tell you I did something because I don't want you upset but If she didn't want me upset she wouldn't have done it in the first place .

 jeffree ,

I don't really understand the question sorry

Fact is I am senior HS and in my country this year determines your future and is the most important year in your life . but I have wasted half of it because of our relationship . I can't focus study or even attend my lessons .my life is a mess . I don't understand what codependency is but if it is being addicted to a person and their absence destroys your life .it may be that .

pearl ,

yeah I read a lot about it and all I want is to help I know she is in pain and have problems .I am not complaining I love her and I can handle it . but I just want make sure that it is not only me loves so much and  misses so much .

no she won't because she doesn't want to talk to her parents about it .

her parents always fight and her father sometimes physically abuse her and her sister when he is angry .

Thank you all for your sharing I hope I can find a solution for this .
 

[Jeffree]

Yuu,

I was asking something along the lines of... .

If she loves you, then what are you willing to do for/with her?

If she does not love you, then what are you willing to do for/with her?

I assume you will take a different approach with her depending on whether she loves you or not, hence your query.

Regardless, I remember the throes of youthful love. Even under the best of circumstances there's lots of drama. Try and take care of Yuu amidst it all.

The best I can offer from the perspective of someone old enough to be your parent is that you and she are too young to be this seriously involved. That's not to say just breakup and go your separate ways, but there's so much to life, especially youth, to be in this adult-type arrangement. Enjoy yourself, grow and learn outside of the confines of your relationship. Hang out with your friends. Excel in your studies. Prepare for college. And enjoy time with your GF.

J

[pearlsw]

Hi Yuu,

Thank you for sharing more about the situation with us! Yuu, although she feels she cannot tell her parents (and they may be abusing her as well so they aren't a great resource for her) do you think there is still a way she can get some help? At school perhaps? Or in the local community? I am just concerned because self-harm is not something we want to leave untreated, you know? With the right kind of support she could have a sharp reduction in the pain of her life and she could feel much better.

This is quite a lot on your shoulders as you are in high school yourself. Have you asked your own parents for some help with this? Are they an option for you? This really isn't something you should be carrying on your own, especially at your age.

take care, pearl.

[Yuu]

jeffree ,

Yeah I know that we are young and all. but it doesn't mean that these feelings aren't real plus I am 18 so not that young . anyway If she doesn't really love me that much I will just help her as a friend and I will end this relationship.I can't focus on anything else . she is all that I can think about .
thank you for your advice

pearl,

No there is nowhere she can get help . it is not cutting herself or stuff like that .she keeps pulling her hair and it sometimes causes her great pain and she emptied a big part of her head .she is kind of addicted to doing it .she does it unconsciously.

no my parents aren't an option
 
so how to be sure that I am loved back ? wanted ? and that it is not just because she likes my presence . I tried not texting her and it has been three days and she didn't text me and she is posting on social media and all. I feel so unimportant . 

[pearlsw]

Hi Yuu,

I see, I'll set aside that line of discussion for now and focus on what you are asking a bit more... okay?

You want to know if she loves you? And yet only you can really answer that, aside from her?

Have you studied much about BPD yet? Keep in mind it is a spectrum disorder so it looks different on different people and she may have some symptoms and not others.

We do acknowledge your feelings are real, no matter your age, of course!

Would you say the relationship is off or on right now? Is it possible she prefers to engage with friends more at this time for some reason? Has she ever expressed a desire to break up and if so give a reason as to why?

[Yuu]

pearl ,

I don't know what off or on means sorry. we broke up a couple of times before I knew she had BPD. I don't know it is not like us to not to talk for a single day plus I am not taking all of her time she talks to her friends normally and I give her space so that's not the reason .I dont know anymore when I am allowed to be upset ?what can I forgive because of her BPD and what is not related ?how am I supposed to deal with all of this ? I simply don't know ... .

[pearlsw]

Hi again Yu,

Have you seen this yet, the do's and don't of BPD relationships? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

It may help you to center yourself on these issues.

Do you expect to see her any time soon? You notice she is talking to others, but not you? How was it the last time you were together?

~pearl

[Yuu]

hii again pearl ,

I have just finished reading it but I didn't understand much If you could help simplify it I would appreciate it .
I want to know should I always be the one who initiates the conversations ? or always the one who asks to meet? is it normal that all her answers are "IDK" and "do as you wish"? like when I ask her do you miss me she says"IDK" and when I ask do want to keep talking or not she says "Idk If you want to talk talk if you don't then don't " .everybody told me that I love her too much and care more than she does but i ignore it but she knows it is true and I feel like she is taking advantage of this .help with this please .

no we aren't meeting anytime soon. last time was short she was not acting like she always does and I made her a bracelet and something like I love you note but she wasn't impressed and after that she had some problems at home and we were supposed to meet but she didn't want to go out I went to pick her up but she texted me to leave I tried to help and so . but she told she isn't in the mood to do anything but stay in bed.