A month of pleasantness, just ended

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Out of the blue, a month or so ago, she went from being the most cold, resentful, oversensitive, cantankerous, hostile person you would ever wish to know, let alone live with, into an affectionate, friendly, warm, forgiving, intimate, nice person.

Then, with just as little warning, just an hour ago, just after I get back from a particularly tough day at work, she starts giving me the cold shoulder.

When I ask what's up, I get 20 minutes of "You know very well what you've done". When I finally convince her to explain, she accuses me of installing an app on either her phone or mine (I couldn't work out which she was saying) that tracks everything she does.

Shaking my head.  Where does this nonsense come from?

Preparing for another stretch as the world's most hated husband. How long for this time I have no idea.  It was all going so well.

[Dragon72]

Out of the blue, a month or so ago, she went from being the most cold, resentful, oversensitive, cantankerous, hostile person you would ever wish to know, let alone live with, into an affectionate, friendly, warm, forgiving, intimate, nice person.

Then, with just as little warning, just an hour ago, just after I get back from a particularly tough day at work, she starts giving me the cold shoulder.

When I ask what's up, I get 20 minutes of "You know very well what you've done". When I finally convince her to explain, she accuses me of installing an app on either her phone or mine (I couldn't work out which she was saying) that tracks everything she does.

Shaking my head.  Where does this nonsense come from?

Preparing for another stretch as the world's most hated husband. How long for this time I have no idea.  It was all going so well.

[PeteWitsend]

I feel for ya.  I just had a relatively serene couple months come to an abrupt end myself.  Although it likely would've ended sooner in my case, had I not tiptoed around the minefields of the failed MC we tried after agreeing to hold off on divorce, and xmas when she got upset my mom wrote "to my beloved son" on my xmas present, which was "inappropriate, creepy, & weird" and decided to make a big scene and try to drag my brother into it.

I wonder what triggered your wife in this case?  I mean she must've seen or noticed something in her phone that gave her the idea.

[Dragon72]

I've no idea what goes on in her head.

Thinking back there are some things that I can see now might have led to this.  A couple of weeks ago she suddenly announced she was going to get her phone fixed without a clear explanation of what was wrong with it. When she came back, she said she had a new number now. Once again, with a very confusing non-explanation as to why.

Then, a few days ago she complained that for some unexplained reason, no calls were getting through to her cell from our landline and declared that something fishy was going on.

Then, a couple of days ago, I saw that the camera lens on our home PC had been covered up by a sticker. I uncovered it.

Then this evening she accused me of tracking her and spying on her.

What can have caused this delusional paranoia? Does she actually have something to hide?

[formflier]

What can have caused this delusional paranoia? Does she actually have something to hide?

Likely trying to link things that don't make sense to her, so she "forces" things together that are not related in any way.

Could be anything.

For the future

"You know what you've done"

you "Oh... well, I guess I'll have to give it some thought.  Let me know if you want to tell me more.  I'm going to grab more dip to go with the chips, do you want some too."  (and... just carry on... )

Perhaps one or two more follow ups over the course of a day, but don't "chase" after it.

In my life, I sorta "take the temperature of things" and then gol with the flow. 

There is the "come hither look... "

There is the "I'm pissed... just give me a reason"

"I've got to much going on, it's your fault."

Most of the moods will pass in a bit, as long as I don't slow them down and engage.  I don't chase any of the moods.

FF

[PeteWitsend]

I've no idea what goes on in her head.

Thinking back there are some things that I can see now might have led to this.  A couple of weeks ago she suddenly announced she was going to get her phone fixed without a clear explanation of what was wrong with it. When she came back, she said she had a new number now. Once again, with a very confusing non-explanation as to why.

Then, a few days ago she complained that for some unexplained reason, no calls were getting through to her cell from our landline and declared that something fishy was going on.

Then, a couple of days ago, I saw that the camera lens on our home PC had been covered up by a sticker. I uncovered it.

I've described the onset of dysregulation/rages to the experience of paddling a canoe on a serene lake, oblivious to any danger, when suddenly the water gets choppy.  And then, before I know it, I'm in the middle of 6 ft waves, and if I don't get the boat pointed into them quickly enough, I'm going to be swamped, and in the water. 

Sometimes I manage to remember to listen/validate/reassure... .and it passes (for a while).  Sometimes, maybe most of the time, I react, or get caught JADEing (my natural reaction to being accused of something that isn't true, or is insane), then I refuse to engage further, get angry, withdraw, etc. and end up swamped. 

I usually look back and think "I SAW the waters getting choppy, why didn't I recognize what was about to happen?"

Then this evening she accused me of tracking her and spying on her.

What can have caused this delusional paranoia? Does she actually have something to hide?

I dunno man.  I wonder the same thing myself.  I've been accused of infidelity countless times.  After a while, I wonder if she's doing that because she's projecting? 

But I've never seen anything to support it; she seems to go to work and come home at the same time each day; she's never talking/texting to other guys; no suspicious gifts/packages, or charges on our card. 

If you suspect something, see if there is anything out there to corroborate your suspicions.  A lot of calls from a guy?  Gifts you didn't get her?  Some dishonesty on her part?  If not, sometimes you just have to trust, because otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy. 

The alternative is to hire a PI and monitor her, track where she goes, who she talks to, who she meets with, etc.  BUt there's never any way to know for sure (esp. if it's over and all happened in the past). 

[Dragon72]

I like the canoe imagery. 

I could tell that trouble was brewing from the first cryptic comment.  Then I confronted her, in as much as I asked her to be clear to me about what she was accusing me of.  When it became clear she was accusing me of surveillance, I stopped talking to her.  No JADEing.  I have learned not to deny ridiculous and baseless accusations. So I just left the house.

As for putting her under surveillance because I suspect that because she accused me of surveilling her that she might be hiding something? That's just the sort of paranoid behaviour that I don't like in her, so I'm not going to go down that road myself.  I may record conversations that she and I have with me present, so I can have a clear record of "I said, she said", but I would never go as far as to bug or track her. That's just creepy and a violation of her privacy, which we are all entitled to.

[Red5]

I like the canoe imagery. 

That's just the sort of paranoid behaviour that I don't like in her,

Paranoia is a prevalent factor in perceived BPD behavior traits... .and it drives me crazy too.

Most times, the paranoia comes outa the clear blue sky, and I have not figured out how to "see that one coming" as of yet.

Most times I just brush it off, with a little validation here , and a few well placed, "so from now on we will ____" there.

I have yet to come across a clear case of her paranoia (behaviors) being at all justified.

It is part of the "part and parcel" of having a pw/BPD in your life.

Red5

[Lucky Jim]

I've described the onset of dysregulation/rages to the experience of paddling a canoe on a serene lake, oblivious to any danger, when suddenly the water gets choppy.  And then, before I know it, I'm in the middle of 6 ft waves, and if I don't get the boat pointed into them quickly enough, I'm going to be swamped, and in the water. 

Pete:  I like this description, too.  I used to say that a BPD storm cloud could appear out of a clear blue sky.  What I found challenging was that the triggering event was constantly changing, so it was impossible to prepare myself for the fire storm in advance.  Usually, I just did my best to get out of the line of fire and wait for the onslaught to pass.

LuckyJim

[formflier]

  Then I confronted her, in as much as I asked her to be clear to me about what she was accusing me of.  

What was the purpose of asking her to be clear?

FF

[Dragon72]

What was the purpose of asking her to be clear?

FF

To understand exactly what she was accusing me of.

[formflier]

How specifically did that help your relationship?

What was the result of clarity?

FF

[GaGrl]

"I've described the onset of dysregulation/rages to the experience of paddling a canoe on a serene lake, oblivious to any danger, when suddenly the water gets choppy.  And then, before I know it, I'm in the middle of 6 ft waves, and if I don't get the boat pointed into them quickly enough, I'm going to be swamped, and in the water."

Also known as "whitewater."  I think we have a new term.

[Dragon72]

How specifically did that help your relationship?

What was the result of clarity?

The result of the clarity was to confirm that the nice, reasonable lady I had been living with since mid-December has gone again and that once again I am dealing with a delusional child.

It hasn't helped the relationship one iota.  But it has helped me realise that now, for a while at least, reasonable dialogue and interaction are not to be expected. 

It's helped me to know that I shouldn't engage in discussion like I could have done two days ago.

It's helped me realise that the relationship is once again a dysfunctional one.

[Dragon72]

Update:

I have been at work all day and haven't spoken to her at all since yesterday's nonsense, accusing me.
 
I just got a message from an unrecognised number, saying sorry for all the changes, and that this is her new number (her 3rd cell number in as many weeks). She said that her las number was just a "provisional" one. 

Followed by another message with a kissy face.

[Red5]

"I've described the onset of dysregulation/rages to the experience of paddling a canoe on a serene lake, oblivious to any danger, when suddenly the water gets choppy.  And then, before I know it, I'm in the middle of 6 ft waves, and if I don't get the boat pointed into them quickly enough, I'm going to be swamped, and in the water."

Also known as "whitewater."  I think we have a new term.

Ever see the movie "White Squall" ?

Most times... .you never see it coming.

Red5

[Red5]

... .I am dealing with a delusional child.

... .has helped me realise that now, for a while at least, reasonable dialogue and interaction are not to be expected. 

... .helped me realise that the relationship is once again a dysfunctional one.

Bingo !

Situational awareness/understanding is the best knowledge, although it is absolutely exhausting, and perplexing... .it has taken me years to even come to this realization, this level of understanding.

Red5

[formflier]

It hasn't helped the relationship one iota.  But it has helped me realise that now, for a while at least, reasonable dialogue and interaction are not to be expected. 

How do you think things would be if you hadn't clarified? 

I realize they act like toddlers.  Perhaps they act like toddlers because people "enable" them.  If she really wanted to send you a clear message... she can mature and do that.  I don't recommend "helping" them.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

What do you think the result of clarification was on her emotions?

FF