Grieving

[bagpuss75]

Hello

I very recently lost my mother who from what I have learnt over the last few years, was probably suffering from undiagnosed BPD. Some might say that with her sudden and unexpected departure the source of the problem has been removed, however I am still faced with the situation of having to grieve, filled with the regret and feelings of guilt because the last time I saw her, we were in aplace of crisis and conflict and had essentially fought. Has anyone else lost someone during a conflictual stage because of this disorder and not been able to say goodbye during a more peaceful and harmonious time, to the loved one?
Please let me know that I am not alone.

[Kwamina]

Hi bagpuss75

I am very sorry you lost your mother and now have such a hard time coming to terms with how things ended between the two of you. Dealing with a BPD mother can often be very difficult. It is sad that your last contact with her went this way and I understand why you might be feeling guilt now. Even if you know on a rational level that it isn't your fault, it can still be very difficult. The sad reality is that if your mother indeed had BPD, her disorder caused her to behave in a manner which increases the likelihood of crises and conflict.

You are definitely not alone  What might help you now is to take a look at this thread we have about grieving our losses:
Grieving our losses

Do you have any family-members or friends who are/were aware of your mother's issues? Have you talked with anyone before about your mother's suspected BPD?

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

The Board Parrot

[baylady]

Hi Grieving.  I am so sorry about your mom.  I can imagine how hard it must be for you right now.  This has not happened to me, but I think it could, and I am really distressed about the possibility.  How are you feeling? Take care of you.  It is not your fault.  People fight every day and lose family members after fights.  This is not your fault. Hugs.

[Notwendy]

Hi Bagpus, I am sorry for your loss. I also experienced this, not from my BPD mother but with my father. He was ill and it was an emotional time for all of us. She and I had conflicts and my father got angry at me. I had reached out to him, hoping for a reconciliation but he remained angry.

It was very difficult. How did I arrive at some peace with this? I think it is important to extend forgiveness and grace to yourself. You did not cause your mother's disorder and only did what you knew how to do. Many of us children of BPD parents grow up feeling we are somehow responsible for their emotions. My mother cataloged memories of things I did like not sharing a cookie with a sibling, to assert that I was somehow not worthy of forgiveness from her. That isn't true .You and I are worthy of love, grace, and forgiveness.

Counseling and personal work on my own issues - co-dependency helped me to reframe my self image. I tend to be approval seeking, and that isn't a helpful trait. I don't need my parents to validate me, sure it would be nice if they could, but that does not mean I can not have a positive self image. I also know that not being perfect doesn't mean I am somehow not good enough. I can only try my best, and if I make a mistake, make amends and try again to do better.

Do you have a faith tradition? Multiple religions share the idea of truth revealed after death in some form. It was comforting to think that my father did see a bigger picture that was not limited to the perspective he had on earth, that he knew I loved him even if our communication wasn't always effective. If you do have one, consider that your mother may have some perspective not limited by her disorder. She isn't angry at you.

Taking action. First you have to grieve, but perhaps you may want to use this difficulty to move you forward in other areas of your life. Counseling to work on your own possible issues, acts of kindness to others, charity in your mother's honor. It can help to take positive action when things appear sad. Extend some of that to you- self care, rest, exercise, a walk in nature. Take care of you.

[strength_love]

I am so sorry for your loss. You are definitely not alone!

My father died several years ago. I had never had a good relationship with him, and we had become mostly estranged from each other. When I learned that he was sick (he had cancer) and wouldn't have long to live, I flew out to visit him and stayed for a week. It was a mostly terrible visit and we fought the entire time. He could be a very volatile, controlling, cruel person.

When I left he barely even said goodbye to me. I knew it was the last time I would ever see him, but he was unwilling to set aside his bitterness to give me a hug goodbye. It was awkward and extremely uncomfortable, and left my husband in tears.

When he died I grieved him harder than just about anyone else in my life who has died, and I have lost some very close, dear friends and family members. The conflict made it so much more difficult. That is because of the element of disenfranchisement to the grief.

Disenfranchised grief is grief that for some reason the person is not 'allowed' to fully experience. It can happen, for example, when someone experiences a miscarriage. While she might experience it as the loss of a child, people around her might scoff at the idea that it's anything like losing a child. The same is true when someone dies who has committed terrible acts. The family of that person might be shamed for showing any grief for that loss.

With my father, he was so abusive and terrible toward me and other family members that many people in my life just didn't treat his death like they might have treated any other death. I didn't get any sympathy cards or flowers or phone calls or really anyone in my life at all saying, "I'm sorry for your loss." Quite the contrary, there was often a tone of ":)ing, dong, the witch is dead!" But those sentiments failed to validate or comfort the very genuine loss I was feeling.

Over time I came to realize that I wasn't just grieving the loss of my father, I was grieving the loss of all of the hopes or dreams I have ever had about what a father means to me. I was letting go not of just him, but of that longing for a good father figure in my life. The grief was larger for this loss because it was part of a much larger, unimaginable loss that I'd been living with through my entire life.

Martín Prechtel says, "Grief expressed out loud for someone we have lost, or a country or home we have lost, is in itself the greatest praise we could ever give them. Grief is praise, because it is the natural way love honors what it misses." He talks about the importance of praising as a means of grieving, and vice versa. And I have to say, this helped me a lot. It helped me a lot to find a way to praise what I loved in my father, so that I could grieve him.

My mother and I have been no-contact for 5 years. There is a lot of attachment there for me. I loved her more than anything in this world. She betrayed me beyond what is forgivable, and it is not safe for me to be in any kind of contact with her. I already grieve her loss, which is an unimaginable loss for me. When she dies, I can't even imagine what it's going to be like for me. I dread it.

Closure is difficult when we are unable to connect with that person and make peace or say goodbye. But it's not impossible. I feel genuine closure with regard to my father and I believe I will get there with my mother as well, when the time comes.

I have amassed a lot of resources for dealing with grief and loss so if you need any reading recommendations or anything like that let me know. I wish you all the best for your healing.

[Notwendy]

Strength love- you have described so well many of the feelings I had- the loss of hope, the grief over losing what a father meant to me.

What is different is that he was the non -BPD parent. It is my mother who is cold and abusing to me. I saw my father as the good parent- and loved him wholeheartedly. I believe there was a time when he could be that parent but somehow over the years his enmeshment with my mother shifted his focus on her wishes which prevailed.

Part of my grief was the astonishment that as much as I loved him, it didn't seem to make a difference. There is room in a marriage for loving a spouse and children, parents, siblings but not in the situation he had with my mother.

I grieved the loss of the father I had- a good one in many ways and the loss of a father I thought I had- or maybe didn't have - or maybe lost along the way as he struggled with a difficult marriage that he valued regardless.

I am not NC with my mother. Our relationship is cordial. I have learned to have boundaries. What I don't have is an expectation for her to be different. Because of her disorder she is who she is. . This is the one I have and I work on accepting that. There is grief with that too.

[Penny123]

Hello All, I'm so sorry to hear of your experiences when losing a BPD parent during a rough time in your relationship. I lost a sister to alcohol poisoning. She was an alcoholic and I lost her when she was angry with me. I remember the last angry text she sent me while she was shacked up in a hotel with her irresponsible boyfriend. I was just trying to help her to go to a detox center. I also argue a lot with my BPDMom and now she is 73 and not in the best of health at times and she threatens suicide often. I realize she could pass away while we aren't on good terms (just like my sister). When someone is an alcoholic/drug addict and they die, I've read things usually end on a bad note if they pass and in my case, it did. I think the same thing applies to a BPD parent. It's not usually going to end well and I think we need to prepare ourselves for that. It's not our fault. We tried as best we could and we have to forgive ourselves. I have for my sister's death and I'm sure I'll have to do that with my Mom's. I'm prepared to possibly feel this way when my Mom dies.               My BPDMom talks of suicide esp if she if she doesn't like our conversation. It's attention getting mostly but one day, she might do it and I have come to grips that she might. If her mind can go there, my mind has found her there.                                                                                                                                                     Anyway, you are not alone and I hope that can give you some comfort.

[strength_love]

I grieved the loss of the father I had- a good one in many ways and the loss of a father I thought I had- or maybe didn't have - or maybe lost along the way as he struggled with a difficult marriage that he valued regardless.

That sounds very painful and difficult. I can't imagine what it must be like dealing with the death of a 'good' parent within that framework. It is tragic how much the dysfunction of one part of a family can make the whole family collapse in some ways. I've seen this with my husband's family. His mother is fairly severely uNPD/dOCD, yet his father is actually a pretty together, good man. I lament for how painful my husband's childhood was vs what it might have been with a healthier mother.

I am not NC with my mother. Our relationship is cordial. I have learned to have boundaries. What I don't have is an expectation for her to be different. Because of her disorder she is who she is. . This is the one I have and I work on accepting that. There is grief with that too.

I can relate to what you say about grief even when in contact with someone. I am in contact with my sister and yet I still grieve for her loss in a way, because she's not fully able to be present and real with me, and there are so many things I can't share with her because of the BPD. I grieve for the relationship even as it plays out in my life.

[Notwendy]

My whole FOO was affected by my BPD mother. Her family tree is interesting as there are several members who have stopped speaking to each other over the years. She just recently related another one- generations ago there were two siblings who stopped speaking to each other. Their descendants didn't know each other existed until recently. Apparently, if someone in her FOO is angry at another, they cut contact and bring the whole entourage with them. She told me once that a family member wasn't invited to an event and so all of them boycotted it.

To my mother, you are either on her side or not her side. If she's angry- then other members seem to choose her side or not her side. She was angry at me during my father's illness and after he passed away, I heard nothing from her FOO.  I found out she had "ordered them" not to speak to me. I am not surprised at her behavior- she has a disorder. I was surprised that grown adults with a (supposedly) mind of their own would just go along with her wishes like that.

Also like BPD, now that she has gotten over this, she wants to be united and bring me back into the family fold. Why, I don't know. I have made cordial contact with some family members on her side, but with some emotional distance and caution. It really felt hurtful when I didn't hear from them. I think - in a similar manner to my father- I perceived them as the "normal" ones. I don't have high expectations for my mother, but I realize that I did hope and wish and dream for inclusion and connection to the family members who appeared "normal" to me.

So to Bagpuss- yes, we grieve in different ways- so take care of yourself and allow yourself to feel the feelings you have. They may or may not make sense to other people, but you are the one who matters here.

[Rkmom]

Bagpuss75, I am so sorry for your loss. I have gone through what you have. I had a daughter with BPD who left me forever in a split second. I had not spoken to her for 2 months and the last words I spoke to her were - please leave me alone and go. The first few months did not bring on the the actual sorrow or guilt. The psychiatrist who I saw told me that I may even feel relief and that was okay too.  It the last year and a half things have been different . I feel so much regret and remorse for all the things I should have done for her or done differently. I wish she were here still. At times my mind tells me that things would have been the same with all the problems still and that I would have probably never realised all that I feel now.  But most days I need my daughter to forgive me for all that I did and did not do for her.
But with time I hope you and I will be able to be kind to ourselves and be able to forgive ourselves and be at peace . I hope that time comes to you soon.

[Notwendy]

RK mom- is your daughter still alive?

I ask this because if my father were alive, and wanted to reconcile with me, I would welcome it ,no matter what he may have said to me. It may take some work with your daughter, but perhaps there is a way.

My mother is still alive, and is seriously affected by BPD. We still have limited contact. If at any point, she showed an awareness of the issues in our relationship, and truly wanted to reconcile, I would agree to it. The issue is that with her illness, she is not able to do this and tends towards emotional abuse- so I can only be as close as her as I feel comfortable.

If your daughter is not alive, I hope that you have some comfort in your own spirituality- this brought me comfort to believe that my father as a soul, saw the bigger picture and with that, there is forgiveness. I hope  you can come to a place of compassion for yourself. Hugs.

[Rkmom]

Notwendy, no my daughter is no more. It is so hard when they are there and as hard when they are not. At times I feel so much guilt and remorse. Two days before she passed away she sent me an image of a cake she had baked on what's app but no text. I sent her a note and that was my last communication with her. I knew she loved me and needed me but I was so selfish at the peace that I had at not having conflicts with her that I did not realise that she was going through hell.
If only I had patience and tolerance to somehow have helped her she may still be here. But I did not. I do not know if I will ever stop feeling guilty . May be in time.
Thank you for writing to me. I hope you find moments of happiness with your mother. After my daughter passed away I found a note in her journal that she wanted to lie down on my lap on a day she was feeling lousy and was planning to give up on life. They love us but their disease makes things hard for them and for us.