Can the relationship work if she finds the right person?

[Depression = 72% of members]

High Everybody... .My first thread here. I will post my BPD relationship with my ex one day when I'm ready, but for now I have a question that has been bugging me since our my break up.

I know we have all gone throw if it was "because of me" scenario, and if we were worthy of them. God knows this has been running through my head ever since we parted. I remember her telling me what kind of guy she wanted, and the standards that everyone wants in a partner in a relationship. Someone that is stable and has their life in order.

She said that material things are not important to her, and although a financially stable is important, all those things weren't that important to her as long as tjat person can provide, take care and love her and each other. Although most of the times her actions spoke louder than her words.(sound familiar?)

Anyway I was wondering if she found the person that what she is looking for and has always wanted, can that relationship really last? Have they truly found the love they were looking for? Or will it all end up the same as all her past relationships?

She is very secretive, and most likely covert in her ways, and the guy, her "friend", she was seeing I believe has fell through, and this is a guy  I believe she was really into. Although she said he was just a "friend". (Again, actions and words were not congruent) Now I believe she is possibly talking or seeing someone else, as I have seen some things. But again, no proof, but highly likely.

She does still contacts me though. Even though our breakup ended pretty badly, but I'll get to that subject one day.  

Thanks again for your support.

[MakingBelieve]

High Everybody... .My first thread here. I will post my BPD relationship with my ex one day when I'm ready, but for now I have a question that has been bugging me since our my break up.

I know we have all gone throw if it was "because of me" scenario, and if we were worthy of them. God knows this has been running through my head ever since we parted. I remember her telling me what kind of guy she wanted, and the standards that everyone wants in a partner in a relationship. Someone that is stable and has their life in order.

She said that material things are not important to her, and although a financially stable is important, all those things weren't that important to her as long as tjat person can provide, take care and love her and each other. Although most of the times her actions spoke louder than her words.(sound familiar?)

Anyway I was wondering if she found the person that what she is looking for and has always wanted, can that relationship really last? Have they truly found the love they were looking for? Or will it all end up the same as all her past relationships?

She is very secretive, and most likely covert in her ways, and the guy, her "friend", she was seeing I believe has fell through, and this is a guy  I believe she was really into. Although she said he was just a "friend". (Again, actions and words were not congruent) Now I believe she is possibly talking or seeing someone else, as I have seen some things. But again, no proof, but highly likely.

She does still contacts me though. Even though our breakup ended pretty badly, but I'll get to that subject one day.  

Thanks again for your support.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi,
I'm going to weigh in with my two cents here.

"Anyway I was wondering if she found the person that what she is looking for and has always wanted, can that relationship really last? Have they truly found the love they were looking for?"

These are two very VERY different questions. There are loveless relationships that last, and their are loving relationships that don't. So love and happiness is not a prerequisite for a relationship lasting. I was once very close to someone who was quite narcissistic. He was a childhood friend and when we grew up he treated women quite badly. He was good looking and wealthy so naturally women chased him and he sort of scorned them and laughed at their desperation (vulnerability?). He was emotionally distant with all of his girlfriends who seemed needy and he complained about them all to me behind their back. One day though he met "THE ONE". And here is what he said to me about the THE ONE. She was younger and therefore more easy to manipulate as she looked up and admired him. He also said that she "Played the game" better than his previous girlfriends. And I think this is the thing that is of interest to all of us... .I discovered this woman is a huge fake. She pretends to be extremely kind and sweet and caring, but behind this mask she is a mega passive aggressive B-TCH. She pegged me as the enemy immediately because I am a woman who has known her "Man" since childhood - so I am competition. I slowly decided I wanted nothing much to do with either of them because they are a couple that projects a perfect facade to everyone and yet I have seen the other side of both of these people. What is very infuriating is that everyone around them falls for the "she's so nice" thing so when I try and tell people otherwise they think I'm just the jealous one. She tried to suck up to my family, she gave inappropriately generous gifts to my father. I think she realized that she couldn't win that battle (replacing me in my family), so she stopped. Nevertheless, I know what these people are made of and it's ugly. I have nothing to do with them and say nothing about them any more.

If you ask them they probably would say they are in love and probably believe they are in love. But are they both people who have the capacity to truly be vulnerable and connect in a relationship? Love has many different levels and the kind of love they have is a partnership to present to the rest of the world. But do I think there is intimacy in their relationship? I actually think there is very little intimacy since having grown up with the man I know that he is full of disdain and scorn and is not someone who probably has even the faintest idea of what real intimacy is about.

Sorry this has gone on so long but I recently realized that I had been given some great insights into the relationship of a hypocrite and narcissist due to the special childhood relationship that I had with him and I wanted to share it. I think he and I are both avoidant types and therefore we never dated despite an unusually close friendship. I also have had relationships that appear perfect on the outside: good looking, and successful couple and yet I have been so lonely and unhappy in them. They lasted up to four years. And could very much have gone on for longer if I had not decided that I wanted a different kind of relationship than one that is merely a good front.

Would it make you feel better if you knew that your ex's relationship would last BUT she was terribly unhappy in it?

[enlighten me]

The problem is what they want can change at the drop of a hat. My exgf wanted the happy family. walks in the woods and family days out. Then her mood would change and she would want the rocker and loud fun nights. Then her mood would change and it would be something else.

I once said to her uncle that she would never be truly happy as no man can be everything she wants. He thought for a minute then said "yes your right".

[Lucky Jim]

Agree w/enlighten me: happiness is a moving target for a pwBPD, which is why some describe a BPD r/s as a Black Hole.  In my view, nothing seems to fill the wound for long.  They look outside for ways to calm inner turmoil, which is why it remains unresolved.

LuckyJim

[Husband321]

The problem is what they want can change at the drop of a hat. My exgf wanted the happy family. walks in the woods and family days out. Then her mood would change and she would want the rocker and loud fun nights. Then her mood would change and it would be something else.

I once said to her uncle that she would never be truly happy as no man can be everything she wants. He thought for a minute then said "yes your right".

Exactly.   My wife swore she would be the happiest ever to have stability and a home.  Once married she wanted to move to a different country. Wanted divorce. Different state. A tiny house. A farm. A mansion.  Wanted to be single and my fwb.  It was never ending. I always said "you always want the opposite of what you have"

[MakingBelieve]

Yes, I see both of your points. And I can agree. Especially how they can have major mood swings, and go from a major extreme to  high functioning to a low in a flash! The thing is that she is so convincing and seems whole hearted on what she really wants. That it what's  so damn believable!

But I have learned the ultimate bottom line with someone with this disorder... .Always look at their actions instead of believing their words.

The thing is that of what she has told me that she has sabatoged her past relationships. But it seems that the ones that she was really into and wanted to workout and in her wyes swe it lasting, they left or it fizzled out for them I'm guessing. And the ones she sabotaged, didn't really matter to her in that way.  So that's why I asked. The way she told me it  seems like the one's that mean a lot to her and can see a future with,  don't work out.

[enlighten me]

Maybe the people that she wanted it to work with where stronger and refused to put up with her behaviour so they left. Their strength was her hope and what attracted her to them.

[Perdita]

She is very secretive, and most likely covert in her ways, and the guy, her "friend", she was seeing I believe has fell through, and this is a guy  I believe she was really into. Although she said he was just a "friend". (Again, actions and words were not congruent) Now I believe she is possibly talking or seeing someone else, as I have seen some things. But again, no proof, but highly likely.

Let me tell you this: it is never just a friend. Have the same situation ongoing for years.  He denies he has the hots for her even though he has told me numerous times over the years how hot he thinks she is and that every man dreams of finding a woman like her (this even when she was arrested for cocaine, physically abuse to a child and child neglect!  Never mind the drinking.) Many times he would drop all plans with me to take her out, yet I am according to him imagining it all!

So I repeat that it is never just friends with them.

I totally agree with what others have said here. They constantly change their minds about what they want. They are never satisfied with anything for long. Every time I think he has now settled on something, he changes his mind. Every time! This is part of the roller-coaster ride. You never get to put your feet on the ground long enough to find your balance. The rug will always get pulled out from under you and when it is they will ask you why you are upset over "nothing".

It is exhausting. :-(

[vanx]

MakingBelieve, ok so I'm going to do that annoying thing where I don't answer your question directly . I am far from a relationship expert, by my thought is everyone has issues they're dealing with. In relationships, sometimes we have all our own stuff together and sometimes we don't. I think when something works, two people can weather those ups and downs with each other.
Let's say your ex meets someone who seems to be everything she wants. Does that mean there's something lacking in you? No! I know my ex blamed all the problems of our relationship on me and my shortcomings, and I believed her for a while. A lot of what was going on was her inability to tolerate imperfections in others, based on her own self-loathing.
Maybe I'm projecting too much of myself, but it just pains me to see other people in similar situations. Do you probably have some flaws as a person or partner? If you're like most humans, then absolutely! Love yourself anyway and know that you deserve someone who sees your value . A lot of the questions we ask ourselves in the wake of a difficult relationship don't have direct answers. I believe the true answer lies in freeing yourself from the questions having any impact on who you are and what you have to offer. But yeah, believe me, I get it!

[crushedagain]

From everything I've learned, the answer is a resounding "no." Even when the BPD finds the best possible fit they will still go from idealization to engulfment and devaluation. To me, the engulfment aspect of the disorder is the real cancer, as it is the impetus for the complete destruction of anything good.

[EdR]

To be honest I think the only possible answer would be "it depends".

Is she the self-harming type, does she function well outside of the r/s, what is the character of the partner, is she pretty, is her partner pretty (yeah... I do think both of these superficial things can play a huge role at the start), are there children involved?  etc. etc. etc.

Will it go smoothly? Probably not! But who will notice that? It might very well look like the perfect marriage for the outside world.

[40days_in_desert]

I think it depends on what your definition of "work" in the "can the relationship work". I had the same question when my ex left and immediately began a relationship with her current relationship. I could think of several reasons why it wouldn't or shouldn't.

I recently had the opportunity to see behind the curtains of their relationship over the past two and a half years due to all of their messages back and forth from discovery material from our divorce process. I won't give details but the same cycles are repeating with him as did me. He also gives a lot of the same responses as I did. The problem is that he doesn't know what he doesn't know and what is happening.

I think that it depends on whether the one with BPD is ever humbled to the point of reaching out for help and sticking with it long term. The non-BPD will need help because like me, us nons don't usually stay very long or even enter a relationship with pwBPD unless we have our own issues. Not to mention the PTSD that has been created depending on how long you were with your pwBPD and what you had to live with.

My ex and her boyfriend may last 30 more years or 30 more days. Who knows. All I know is that if their relationship does end, I won't be his replacement.

[Lucky Jim]

My ex and her boyfriend may last 30 more years or 30 more days. Who knows. All I know is that if their relationship does end, I won't be his replacement.

Like how you put that, 40 days!  I admire you resolve.

LuckyJim

[bus boy]

I asked that question to my self a thousand times. My xw has been with her BF for over 3 years. I was in pretty bad shape when I found out. I feel that to the BPD person, the right person is the one they can manipulate, lie to, deceive and all the other good things they do, so in there eyes that is the R/S that works. So ask yourself if that is the R/S you want.

[Jeffree]

Technically anything is possible, but that ticking time bomb of lack of impulse control will never be defused.

[TurbanCowboy]

I can only speak for my uBPD wife, I don’t think she is capable of being happy and is constantly chasing. Always plays the poor me card at some point and focuses on the negative. It gets old.

My wife used to tell me how her previous boyfriends were perfect and used them to persecute me. I used to ask her all the time why she was with me then. I was constantly being split.

My wife is now with a coworker and on paper they could have a really nice life together because they are both government workers and vets receiving benefits. Money will not be an issue ever. They are in their honeymoon period right now.

Having said that, he definitely has narcisstic traits and appears to be very controlling which I know will wear on her. I know her obsession with her mother, our 5 year old son and any future children will ultimately kill his interest as he no longer will be the center of her universe.

He has two 2 year marriages on his resume so something is up there. He also has a kid on the West Coast and he could easily be closer to him if he wanted to be given the ability to request hardship transfers with a government job. Why isn’t he?

My wife can’t be alone and is boxing herself in with this new relationship. I’ll be interested to see how this plays out.  If Karma has a say, it will be a disaster.

[Maxpax2011]

High Everybody... .My first thread here. I will post my BPD relationship with my ex one day when I'm ready, but for now I have a question that has been bugging me since our my break up.

I know we have all gone throw if it was "because of me" scenario, and if we were worthy of them. God knows this has been running through my head ever since we parted. I remember her telling me what kind of guy she wanted, and the standards that everyone wants in a partner in a relationship. Someone that is stable and has their life in order.

She said that material things are not important to her, and although a financially stable is important, all those things weren't that important to her as long as tjat person can provide, take care and love her and each other. Although most of the times her actions spoke louder than her words.(sound familiar?)

Anyway I was wondering if she found the person that what she is looking for and has always wanted, can that relationship really last? Have they truly found the love they were looking for? Or will it all end up the same as all her past relationships?

She is very secretive, and most likely covert in her ways, and the guy, her "friend", she was seeing I believe has fell through, and this is a guy  I believe she was really into. Although she said he was just a "friend". (Again, actions and words were not congruent) Now I believe she is possibly talking or seeing someone else, as I have seen some things. But again, no proof, but highly likely.

She does still contacts me though. Even though our breakup ended pretty badly, but I'll get to that subject one day.  

Thanks again for your support.

I would have to agree with everyone on here, a BPD person is like a child who wants one thing then wants another, one day they want to be superman the next day a firefighter, they go from one extreme to the other, they are never set in their ways, they always change their lifestyle and their tastes based whoever they are with. My exBPD I thought was a very classy woman, very mature I thought, I took her to all the fancy places to eat, expensive trips, fine wine, and always bought her nice stuff. She always told me her previous boyfriends never took her any place special or nice. She told me liked a nice guy with class, and mature, did not like the macho immature type or guys that were heavy drinkers, she liked her men fit, good looking and healthy. Well after our break up, she replaced me with a guy who is overweight, unattractive in my opinion, not trying to be shallow, a heavy drinker, immature ( He contacted me on New years eve through Facebook, to tell me how great their sex was), which also means he has no class ha! All they do is go out and drink and smoke cigars at the local Lounge in town. Everything she told me she liked in a guy, was the complete opposite she went for after me. So it doesn't matter what they say they want, it is always a contradiction. And as for them being happy with a certain guy? Looking back at her exes, who are all on her Facebook, which should have been a red flag, they were all good looking fit guys who had good jobs and treated her well from what I heard. I met her daughters father who was a really nice guy, and he told me some stories about her crazy behavior. Anyways back to them being happy with a certain person? This guy she has now is completely different than any guy she has been with, she made a point to brag to me and on Facebook about how happy and in love they are. At first I thought, wow, maybe she finally is happy, maybe this is the right guy for her. Well I have heard from friends in town who know them, that what they put on their Facebook is not what is going on in the real world (The illusion of Facebook). At the bars they look miserable together, they were seen fighting by their car one night at a bar, and they have only been together a month. So to answer your question, I apologize for the long post, NO! Nothing will make them happy, they could date the nicest person in the world or the worst person in the world, and they will still be the volatile and unstable person they are.

[Jeffree]

It's almost as though if they do find everlasting love, then chances are they weren't BPD.

The nature of BPD is such that their relationship status is always in flux.

From the NIMH website:

- Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, such as rapidly initiating intimate (physical or emotional) relationships or cutting off communication with someone in anticipation of being abandoned

- A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)

J

[blooming]

The problem is what they want can change at the drop of a hat. My exgf wanted the happy family. walks in the woods and family days out. Then her mood would change and she would want the rocker and loud fun nights. Then her mood would change and it would be something else.

I once said to her uncle that she would never be truly happy as no man can be everything she wants. He thought for a minute then said "yes your right".

I agree with this completely. My therapist said to me that there was no way, no way at all, in which I could've made my ex happy. He couldn't be satisfied, it was never enough, he always found a reason to leave. I've had my ex sitting across from me in tears saying that he couldn't finish anything, that he didn't know how to stay happy, that he couldn't be with someone for longer than a year successively (he has been with some of his ex-gf's for longer than that but their relationships were full of break-ups and recycles) and that he didn't understand himself anymore. They just can't be happy with someone for a long time because no one is good enough.

I think only if your ex gets professional help and takes it seriously she would maybe be able to know how to handle her illness better and maybe be able to stay with someone for a longer time.

[Jeffree]

Whether my STBx lives the rest of her life alone or already has her next victim makes no difference to me.

If she remains alone, that would prove there really isn't anyone on the face of the Earth who could make her happy.

If she's with the next guy so soon, then there is someone else as stupid as I was out there.

About the only curiosity I have is what her reaction will be if she sees me with someone else. 

J

[Maxpax2011]

It's almost as though if they do find everlasting love, then chances are they weren't BPD.

The nature of BPD is such that their relationship status is always in flux.

From the NIMH website:

- Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, such as rapidly initiating intimate (physical or emotional) relationships or cutting off communication with someone in anticipation of being abandoned

- A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)

J

My therapist told me, that BPD persons have a empty void in their soul, or their inner being, a void as big as space itself, a void that they are trying to endlessly fill throughout their relationships, the fear of abandonment and attachment issues fuel that void. The most loving and giving person in the world could not fill that void. And that is why their relationships are so volatile, that in order to truly feel everlasting love that void would have to be somehow filled. Very sad, because without treatment they will be searching their entire lives for a partner to give them that eternal love they crave so much. My ex had a lot of good guys in her life, wealthy men, hard working men, all around good guys, but she treated them all like krap because of her illness. Also the worst part about the illness is, the closer to getting that love and happiness the more they are triggered, it is like they are their own destruction in life. Are they ever happy? Ever in love? Sure they can feel love and happiness, but it is fleeting due to their illness, over time that love turns to hate, and that happiness turns to misery, which is why when we leave or they leave us, then they search for that love and happiness as soon as possible because that void is bleeding profusely, and the only way they can stop it is if they get back to that love and happiness again, at the beginning of a relationship. And lets be honest, the beginning of a relationship is the best part of when you are with someone. That is where you have fun getting to know each other, trying new things, the intimacy, falling in love, its truly a high that is amazing. But again they lose that when they are triggered, and then we we are gone, they ache for that feeling of love and happiness again like a heroin addict. Very sad. My ex is not happy, she may show it on her Facebook or in front of her friends and family, but on the inside she is miserable. From what I heard her triggers have already started, the symptoms have already begin to show, so it is only a matter of time before she devalues the replacement and moves on to the next one. Her longest relationship that I know of was 5 years, she was married for 6 months, another 3 year relationship somewhere in there, and I was with her for two. Also multiple filler relationships in between that lasted a few weeks to a few months. In my opinion she has the moderate to extreme symptoms of BPD, you can pretty much notice from the beginning if you know what to look for. I say moderate because she is able to maintain employment and own property, pay bills etc. The lower functioning ones not only fail in relationships, but also fail in life.I don't hate her, or hold any ill will, I am still angry, but I know that she is not well, and I know she is not happy with the new guy, but again, we can only stay with them for so long, we deserve to be happy too. If they won't get treatment then we are better off without them. I still miss her, but I am happier without all the abuse and turmoil.

[araneina]

I agree with this completely. My therapist said to me that there was no way, no way at all, in which I could've made my ex happy. He couldn't be satisfied, it was never enough, he always found a reason to leave. I've had my ex sitting across from me in tears saying that he couldn't finish anything, that he didn't know how to stay happy, that he couldn't be with someone for longer than a year successively (he has been with some of his ex-gf's for longer than that but their relationships were full of break-ups and recycles) and that he didn't understand himself anymore. They just can't be happy with someone for a long time because no one is good enough.

I think only if your ex gets professional help and takes it seriously she would maybe be able to know how to handle her illness better and maybe be able to stay with someone for a longer time.

That's so sad.  My ex said similar things to me and only now am I really beginning to realize how truly and painfully sad that is.  He was so broken.  At the time I naively thought I could fix him.  I hope he finds peace.

[blooming]

That's so sad.  My ex said similar things to me and only now am I really beginning to realize how truly and painfully sad that is.  He was so broken.  At the time I naively thought I could fix him.  I hope he finds peace.

I am so sad about it too, especially because he told me these things the last time he broke up with me. We haven't spoken since (that's two weeks ago now) and I am actually quite worried. I wish I could be there for him, could ask him how he was doing. But I guess I also know that this was a rare clear moment for him, that now he is chasing new women already, feeding his addiction again, putting his doubts about whether maybe something is not quite right with him away. I just hope that there will be a day when he will think "enough is enough, I have hurt myself and the people around me too many times already"  and he will seek help.

[lovenature]

Welcome to the family,

Sadly the more "right" a person is, the more they accept and love their PWBPD and the closer they get, the more they are hurt and pushed away. They become the "wrong" person by caring too much for their disordered partner. The cycle will ALWAYS repeat, the only way the relationship can be healthy enough to be worthwhile for both partners is through YEARS of therapy and sacrifice.

Do what is right for YOU.

[WarOfRoses]

With a BPD the right person is the wrong person and the wrong person is the right person.

[Chynna]

Hi folks. A little background: I met SO/BPD in workplace. I was naive to s/s of the  d/o and in hindsight, a few red flags were waving. I am the quintessential private person( not because I am hiding things... .workplace was not appropriate ~ dysfunctional political-type atmosphere). He is the quiet variety. We had the typical intense r/s for about 2 yrs. before the first shoe drop. And then some type of friendship which I thought was going ok (not too much drama... .BPD is a very broad spectrum illness and I believe I was spared a lot of the 'insanity' d/t strong religious/cultural background on his part.) A few months back he lost someone who was quite dear to him which probably led to the end of our friendship as anyone here would understand with respect to this d/o. I guess I have been grieving this loss in my life for sometime. I hope this mourning will not last forever... .I agree though "the right person the wrong person". But I miss his goodness everyday... .This site definitely helps. :0)

[Jeffree]

A few months back he lost someone who was quite dear to him which probably led to the end of our friendship as anyone here would understand with respect to this d/o.

Chynna, your guess is as good as anyone's as to the impact of losing someone could be to a BPD. There's is such an unstable mindset that anything, anyone, anytime could send them careening into or out of one's life.

I've said it before here pretty often, assigning cause and effect to a BPD's actions is a very precarious game.

J

[Chynna]

Hi Jeffree... .thank you for this input. The person he lost was the one constant in his life. He was primary care giver throughout a terminal illness. I am sure this person was put through a lot of BPD stuff. :0(  After the loss, there was a lot of 'blaming'... .healthcare system (it is what it is... .), me. Without going into detail, I saw a very different side of him. This loss was huge. He would not allow any type of consoling from me ... .from the blame, I was painted black. And someone from his past was invited back in... .I went N/C . His behavior hurt me deeply... .

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Makingbelieve,
      
Every person is unique and yes, some people click better with each other than others... .it's human nature.

I too struggled with this for a long time. I don't feel I did anything to deserve the treatment I received. I still don't. With most rational people you can have different opinions and co-exist. You may not agree with someone but you don't call them names, or in some cases "hit them" out of frustration. That is a huge   something is not right.

My own ex is now engaged to be married. I remember how tumultuous our relationship was and we didn't live together. She has lived with this woman three years, gone on many, many vacations but there is no sign of distress. For us, every vacation was a total shyt-show. She would get a migraine which I now realize was dysregulation, and be sick half the trip. She would often break up with me on the way home from trips or right before a holiday. There were definite patterns.

Keep in mind, I do not know their life behind the Facebook posts and everyone knows Facebook should be called FAKEbook. No one puts bad stuff out there, just the best stuff they want everyone to see.

My feeling is this: My ex had 0 empathy. When my father got sick and I was worried about him, she took that as rejection and left me, changed her number. She left me for two weeks while I was a complete wreck. When her "replacement" didn't gel she came back. I took her back each time because I was "relieved" she was un-punishing me. Clearly my self-esteem sucked.

Long story short, if she possessed 0 empathy towards me, that is not something you can just turn on and off. She will behave the exact same way with the next person, and the next person. The relationship "working"---and I use that loosely, is contingent on how much the non is willing to take.

In the end I stood up for myself which made things worse but it did get her to leave which benefited me and allowed me to heal, as much as it hurt at the time.

Don't beat yourself up. You can't change your personality so in my opinion your ex is still the same person, she might just get triggered differently depending on the boundaries of the non. It's not anything to envy, that's for sure!

[MakingBelieve]

Hi Makingbelieve,
      
Every person is unique and yes, some people click better with each other than others... .it's human nature.

I too struggled with this for a long time. I don't feel I did anything to deserve the treatment I received. I still don't. With most rational people you can have different opinions and co-exist. You may not agree with someone but you don't call them names, or in some cases "hit them" out of frustration. That is a huge   something is not right.

My own ex is now engaged to be married. I remember how tumultuous our relationship was and we didn't live together. She has lived with this woman three years, gone on many, many vacations but there is no sign of distress. For us, every vacation was a total shyt-show. She would get a migraine which I now realize was dysregulation, and be sick half the trip. She would often break up with me on the way home from trips or right before a holiday. There were definite patterns.

Keep in mind, I do not know their life behind the Facebook posts and everyone knows Facebook should be called FAKEbook. No one puts bad stuff out there, just the best stuff they want everyone to see.

My feeling is this: My ex had 0 empathy. When my father got sick and I was worried about him, she took that as rejection and left me, changed her number. She left me for two weeks while I was a complete wreck. When her "replacement" didn't gel she came back. I took her back each time because I was "relieved" she was un-punishing me. Clearly my self-esteem sucked.

Long story short, if she possessed 0 empathy towards me, that is not something you can just turn on and off. She will behave the exact same way with the next person, and the next person. The relationship "working"---and I use that loosely, is contingent on how much the non is willing to take.

In the end I stood up for myself which made things worse but it did get her to leave which benefited me and allowed me to heal, as much as it hurt at the time.

Don't beat yourself up. You can't change your personality so in my opinion your ex is still the same person, she might just get triggered differently depending on the boundaries of the non. It's not anything to envy, that's for sure!

Thanks for.the kind words. Yes that's seems to be my problem. Like I wasn't good enough. At least that's how ur feels to me. It hit me prerty hard since I'm not one for being in relationshios, but sometimes cupid arrow seems to fund it's target. The  point to where I bonded and had a connection with this person doesn't make it easy. I guess that's why it's so hard to move on. I have food days and bad ones, and the bad ones seem younger and stay with you longer.

She still contacts me from time to time, and I  still miss her. Especially since Valentines day coming up, Im wondering if and ir whom she is going too with. II don't hate her. Maybe because She has this disorder, I am more undersranding. As a matter of fact, I feel sorry for her.

Everything is still in a fog for me still, even after a few months after the break up. I'm trying my best to move on and be productive, but it us hard. Dont really want ro do anything or hang out qorh friends. And I kniw its afdecrimg my friemdships. Depression and sadness seems to be my best friends right now.