First Time Here. Hurting over my BPD sister. Engagement/wedding ruined

[jnssbc202]

I'm new here. I feel like I lost it... .like I don't know who I am anymore or what I am doing anymore. I keep questioning my self-worth and my decisions. My BPD sister got in my head, and now my parents are starting with me again. I am constantly living in fear. I worry about being attacked and I'm honestly scared to post on here. What if my BPD sister finds this post somehow and figures out it's me? What if she uses this as further evidence that I am a "selfish, aggressive sister"? She's been spreading rumors about me for the past 8ish months and it hurts - maybe she'll use this post against me ("can you believe she said that about me?". I've read books about BPD. I've watched videos about BPD. I'm in therapy. I've spoken to some of my friends about this. Two of my friends have BPD sisters, but I still feel alone because I don't know anyone else who is the target of a BPD sibling. With my two friends who have BPD sisters, it's their parents who are targets. As scared as I am to post this here, I am hoping that (1) I'll feel comfort knowing that I am not alone, (2) maybe I can really internalize again that I didn't cause this and can't control this, and (3) I'll have some chance of enjoying my wedding (which is in exactly 3 weeks).

I am about 14 months older than my BPD sister. When we were little, we used to be very, very close. In fact, I remember crying whenever we would be separated at school events, parties, etc. She was my best friend (even though my parents often pinned us against one another - my mom would say that my BPD sister is an angel and would call me the devil quite often). I admit that I took my anger out on my sister sometimes. I'm not sure if this was "normal" sibling rivalry because my mom would scream, punish, and sometimes smack me when I'd get into a fight with my sister. Still, I love(d) her and truly felt that she was my best friend in the whole world. We protected each other. We were buddies.

Sometime during High School, things changed between us. She and I had both been dealing with depression and anorexia at the time, but I was getting better while she was getting worse. She resented me for that. She blamed me for her illnesses and told me that I stole her opportunity to get better (at some point, she was moved from one inpatient unit to another because they wanted to put me in her inpatient unit, didn't want siblings in there together, and she was not getting better. She needed more intense treatment). Fresh out of the hospital and struggling to stick to my treatment, it wasn't easy to be around someone who blamed me for all of her problems. It was really bad - I received daily notes that said "today is the day that I will murder you and your damn cat," she'd slam doors in my face, call me names, ignore me for weeks, etc. She even took my HS yearbook, turned to the page where she had written a loving message years ago, and wrote "This was all a lie. I hate you, you selfish ___." My parents knew about all of this and kept saying things like, "She's sick. Forgive her." I remember sitting on the floor in front of her room (door slammed in my face, of course), crying and begging her to talk to me. Nothing. She let me know how much she hated me. This went on for months until I finally went back to college. While in college, I learned to stay away from my entire family because I knew my BPD sister would attack me and no one would stop her. They'd go on family trips together and would tell me that I wasn't allowed to go with them because she didn't want me to and she was sick. I was hurt. At the same time, I think I knew that being on the trips would be toxic to my well being. For the next 13-14 years, she was in and out of hospitals for her eating disorders and suicide attempts, I kept sticking to my recovery, and she continued to hate/attack me.

Eventually, about 10 years ago, something changed again and I became the best sister in the world again. She loved me and couldn't get enough of me. At the time, I thought that it was because she had recovered and I was SO HAPPY to have my sister back. I forgave her and knew that she treated me the way that she did because she was in pain. We were very close again and it was fantastic. My sister was back.

Fast forward to about 4 years ago (after about 4 years of being on good terms & being really close to her) when I now lived in another state and was very close to earning my PhD. I noticed she started attacking me again. Being in therapy for over 15 years by then, and studying psychology for a decade, I realized that she suffers from BPD. I contacted my other sister who is a Mental Health Counselor and asked her what she thought about my "diagnosis." She told me that our sister was diagnosed with BPD during the HS/College period but that she (our sister) didn't believe it to be true. Things starting making sense now. I was happy for the physical distance between me and my family.

Fast forward to about 18 months ago. I had just earned my PhD and got a great job. I got a house and started a little farm. My family was beaming - especially my father who always refers to me as "doctor" now with a HUGE smile on his face and loves the farm life. Six months after that, I got engaged to the man who I knew would be my future husband very early in our relationship. We were dating for about 4 years by then. I think all of this (PhD + job + farm + engagement) was too much for my BPD sister. I think she was angry that I was getting attention. She was pregnant when I got engaged. This is around the time that her verbal attacks on me became more frequent.

I wanted to take my fiance abroad to meet my extended family, especially my grandmothers who are in their 90s and ill. I asked my parents to help care for my elderly cat while I was away (same cat! I honestly think my cat is the reason I got healthy. I thank her every day for "saving" my life. She now needs meds twice a day, can't be boarded, and has anxiety around strangers). My parents said yes and I checked with my BPD sister if my plans were OK (making sure they didn't conflict with any baby-related plans). They were. Everything was going "fine" (aside from the verbal attacks about other things) until one day she flips out on me about how I can't have my parents help me with my cat because she is pregnant and needs them. I tried working with her, but she kept saying things like "this is no time for a compromise" and "maybe this isn't a good time for a trip." She kept insisting that I was lying about not being able to board my cat and that I was being selfish. To my surprise, my parents stuck to the original plan and kept their promise to help care for my cat. This sent her into a rage. She called me SCREAMING when she found out. She then cursed me out via text. She told me I was a "selfish ___" who she no longer needed in her life. She cut me out of her life then and there - one month before my nephew was born. She blocked me from calling and texting her. She unfriended and then blocked me on Facebook. She even deleted every single picture I was in in her online wedding album.

It's been almost exactly 8 mo since we spoke. During those 8 months, I reached out to her twice (via email - I can't call her). In the first message, about 1 mo after the cut me out of her life, all I said was "I always have and always will love you." I got a strongly worded response, including "You love me? That's nice. Your words fall flat. Actions speak louder than words." In other words, cancel your trip or else. The second time I contacted her was about a month ago - just after she found out that I didn't send her an invitation to my wedding. My mom called to tell me that my BPD sister was very upset about my wedding. My e-mail to my sister said "I wish things were different between us. You seem to have a strong response every time I contact you. This is why I decided to honor your decision to give our relationship space. Unfortunately, this space overlaps with important times in both of our lives. If you have a negative response to this message, I am sorry and I will go back to giving our relationship space. I always have and always will love you. I hope one day we can be a family again." I got nothing. No response. Ignored. I'm not allowed to meet my nephew. I cry for him and grieve my sister. She's been on and off with my parents. She curses at them and has done very hurtful things to them, but they take it from her and keep going back to her. She's also been on and off with my other (counselor) sister because my (counselor) sister refused to ban me from a family event.

It's not that I don't want her at my wedding. I love her and truly have been grieving my relationship with her. At the same time, I don't feel safe around her. Also, it doesn't feel right to ignore the issue, give in to her rages, and invite her. This wasn't an easy decision to make, but it was a very conscious, thought-through decision that I made via intensive therapy. My parents seemed to understand where I was coming from and supported my decision... .until about 2 weeks ago (2 weeks after my last email to my BPD sister). Apparently, my sister FLIPPED out on my mom about my wedding. She grabbed her stuff and threw it out the door and kicked my mom out of the house. My baby nephew was there. My mom said he was crying from fear. My mom (who has a brain tumor, btw) sad on the staircase - in the middle of the winter - until my dad showed up to get her. My mom said he nearly fell down the stairs when he heard what happened. After that, my dad asked me to invite my sister and my mom sent a manipulative email ("if you really love me... ." that begged us to all make up... .all while I had *just* lost my first pregnancy to a miscarriage. (I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago.) I responded by asking my parents to stop talking to me about my sister. It's too toxic for me and I need to focus on my fiance and recovery from my miscarriage. It didn't work. I got another email from my mom two nights ago. My mom BEGGED me to invite my BPD sister. She said things like "you can never go back" and "we will never be a family again." Basically, she suggested that if I don't invite my sister to my wedding, I am ruining all of their lives. The email made me very upset and confused. I responded to my mom that same night, but my mom hasn't said a single word to me since that e-mail. It's like now she is withdrawing love because I am not doing something that she wants me to do.

So here I am exactly three weeks before my wedding (and still in pain from my miscarriage) and I am starting to second guess my decision to not invite my BPD sister. At the same time, what exactly would happen if I did invite her? My guess is she'd go around crying and screaming that I waited this long to invite her. But let's say she decides to come... .will we make up on my wedding day (which would mean talking it through and, thus making my wedding day about something other than my marriage)? Will we not talk and just make believe that we're OK and then go back to not talking? Wouldn't inviting her just reinforce her explosions? If I don't invite her, I feel like my parents will either try to talk to me about it on my wedding day, or will be fake with me. If I do invite her, I am basically telling my BPD sister that she can treat me poorly and I am OK with that. It seems to be a lose-lose situation, and it honestly saddens me that my entire engagement period and now even my wedding has been about my BPD sister. I seem to have lost track of the fact that I am marrying my love because I keep getting pulled into this BPD drama.

Sorry this post ended up so long. Thanks for reading.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Jnssbc202, 

Welcome! First let me say that this is a safe site for those who come here to find others who can understand. One of the reasons that we encourage made up names is so that no one can identify you and so you can feel safe. I know the first few times I posted about my uBPDm, I was constantly 'looking' over my shoulder so to speak to make sure she wouldn't find out. You are not alone here, and so many will be able to relate to your story.

I'm very sorry for all this turmoil in your life, especially the intensity with your upcoming wedding! You certainly don't need that. It's a mystery, isn't it, how on one hand the pwBPD wants nothing to do with us then turns around and demands everything to do with us. One can't win for losing.

I see a lot of FOG going on in the things you shared. Fear that she will ruin the wedding and your relationship with your parents, Obligation to do what is 'demanded' or strongly asked of you, and Guilt for not giving in.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

Are you able to sort out what you really want to do about the wedding without listening to any other voices but your own and your fiance's?

 
Wools

[baylady]

Hi Jnssbc202, everything you wrote sounds so much like my relationship with my uBPDsis.  Everything blew up with us right before my son's wedding eight years ago.  She went NC with our entire family, but about three years ago reconciled with my parents and my brother (sort of).  He just goes along with my parents.  My parents are using FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to get me and my other sister to reconcile with her.  We just can't.  She went on a public smear campaign against both of us and sent horrible messages and emails to our adult children, even divulging things we had told her in confidence.  Most recently, my other sister and I had a falling out with our parents over the FOG being used against us.  We wish to remain NC with uBPDsis to protect our own mental health.  Any conversations we have with her end up being twisted into something hateful plastered all over social media.  We have since had three more weddings, my daughter and my other sister's son and daughter.  My niece did invite uBPDsis to her wedding, but uBPDsis accused my sister of sending her an invitation with the wrong date just to humiliate her.  I swear you can't make this stuff up.  She did not attend and sent my sister and me a text threatening to kill herself as a "wedding gift."  Weddings seem to be a big trigger for her. My nephew did not invite her at all.  I tried to get my daughter to invite her to mitigate drama, and she said, "Absolutely not.  I don't want her there."  uBPDsis thinks my other sister and I make sure she isn't invited when we really leave it up to our children.  Oh, she also claims to have helped raise our children.  

Because of my experience with my uBPDsis I completely understand why you don't feel safe inviting your sister to your wedding.  I am so sorry you are going through this right before your wedding and right after a miscarriage.  The decision to invite or not to invite is a hard one in these situations.  I wish I had some sage advice, but as you can see above, my uBPDsis still manages to cause drama either way, and we haven't even figured out how to deal with these events in our family.  The only advice I can give is to decide with your fiance what to do and set clear boundaries as to what your expectations are either way.  

I hope my reply at least helps you feel less alone.  There are many of us out here, and we know how upsetting and frustrating it is.  

[Pina colada]

Jnssbc202, I am sorry you are going through all this at what should be a happy time.  Having a much older BPD sister, I can relate to your feelings and have experienced similar things with my sister.  Last summer my daughter got married and barely knows BPD sis, so she did not want to invite her.  Also, my family that knows sis was worried she would 'hijack' my daughters wedding, behave badly and make it all about her.  I told my sister, we were talking then that due to financial constraints, daughter is only inviting those she knows well and is having a very small wedding, all true BTW.  My sister said she understood but wined and cried to our father, elderly unwell father whom was 93 last summer and did NOT need BPD sisters aggravation. Sis complained that she was upset being left out (she lives 5 hours away) and would not know my kids if she passed them on the street.  My dad pressured me but in the end he said to me that he totally understood why I did not want BPD sister there.  He thought she would act up too if she went.  What I am saying is that it is YOUR day.  I think your parents, deep down, know why you don't want her there.  I hope you are can make the decision that is in your heart and your head.  It is your day...   Also, my BPD sister did find me here... .ah the drama of the BPD sister never ends.  I love her and don't wish any ill will on her but most of all I feel sad for her.  She has had such an unhappy miserable life.  One of her kids even 'disowned' her and won't have anything to do with her.  That has always told me everything I need to know.  Stay strong and keep posting.  There is much support here!  Congratulations too!  You have don't so much with your life Doctor!

[jnssbc202]

Woolspinner, baylady, and Pina colada. I cannot thank you enough for your thoughtful, caring responses - and virtual hugs! I literally cried when I read your responses - I felt/feel very supported and understood. THANK YOU! I took the past couple of days to digest your responses and continue processing what's been happening. I also read about F.O.G. YES YES YES - lots of FOG! I now feel confident again about my decision. I think that inviting my BPDsis at this point, while she's still not talking to me and exploding on my parents, will be detrimental to all of our well-being. My BPDsis will not gain anything from my compliance to her demands/pressure, and I'm sure she'll just find something else to point to about me. My parents will continue to be stuck. None of us would enjoy my wedding. All this while I'd be self-sacrificing and compromising my integrity. Btw, my mom reached out to me this morning. She said she's not ignoring me and is trying to move forward. It seems (or at least I hope) that she is respecting my boundary and decision. Also, my fiance definitely does NOT want my BPDsis there and this is his wedding, too.

Hi Jnssbc202, everything you wrote sounds so much like my relationship with my uBPDsis.  Everything blew up with us right before my son's wedding eight years ago.  She went NC with our entire family, but about three years ago reconciled with my parents and my brother (sort of).  He just goes along with my parents.  My parents are using FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to get me and my other sister to reconcile with her.  We just can't.  She went on a public smear campaign against both of us and sent horrible messages and emails to our adult children, even divulging things we had told her in confidence.  Most recently, my other sister and I had a falling out with our parents over the FOG being used against us.  We wish to remain NC with uBPDsis to protect our own mental health.

wow.wow.wow. This really does sound so similar! How do you cope with the FOG? Do you still feel pain/grief that you are NC with your uBPDsis? I am SO WORRIED that my BPDsis will contact my future children and/or my nephews. I can't imagine the things she will tell her children about me. Her husband already hates me - he believes the things that she told him about me. It's hard to believe (but I do believe it, having a BPDsis myself) that she threatened to kill herself as a gift. Do you ever feel like your friends (or whoever you talk to about these things) think that you're making all of this up?

My dad pressured me but in the end he said to me that he totally understood why I did not want BPD sister there.  He thought she would act up too if she went.  What I am saying is that it is YOUR day.  I think your parents, deep down, know why you don't want her there.  I hope you are can make the decision that is in your heart and your head.  It is your day...   Also, my BPD sister did find me here... .ah the drama of the BPD sister never ends.  I love her and don't wish any ill will on her but most of all I feel sad for her.  She has had such an unhappy miserable life.  One of her kids even 'disowned' her and won't have anything to do with her.  That has always told me everything I need to know.  Stay strong and keep posting.  There is much support here!  Congratulations too!  You have don't so much with your life Doctor!

First, I am happy that your father ended up understanding you. I have a feeling my father understands, too. You're probably right that deep down they know why I don't want her there. (Well, I don't want her there in this state of mind. I'd want her there if she and I were on good terms.) How did you deal with your BPDsis finding you on here? The fact that you're still posting here is inspiring! I feel the same - sad for my BPDsis. Thank you for the congratulations. Your words helped me take a step back and remember/appreciate how much I've accomplished despite all of this. I forget that stuff sometimes when I get sucked back in to the drama.

I hope I inserted quotes correctly and used terms correctly. I'm learning. hehe

[Turkish]

Past behaviours are good predictors of future behaviours. From what you said, my view is that she'll ruin your wedding and you'll be in the same place you are now.  

The site mission is about preserving the family, but you and your H are your primary family now,  and I am so sorry about losing your baby... .you (and your H) shouldn't have to deal with toys drama on top of that when you are trying to move forward with your new life.  From what you said,  your sister has offered no olive branch. Did she even reach out when she heard about your miscarriage?

[sisbpd]

Oh,  jnssbc202, I feel your pain. This week, I lost my BPD sister at 27 years old. It is hard, because I loved her fiercely, but was often in and out of touch with her. Part of what I struggle with now is that we were on and off talking and on social media because of some of her behaviors. As a result, when she passed I had a limited profile view on her facebook and couldn't see all of her pictures. My mom friended her after she passed (it had been a pending request my mom wouldn't accept), and so I can see all the pictures through her profile now, but it caused me tremendous pain.

I had a very hard time with my sister during the preparation of my wedding. Honestly, it was very stressful. She was in and out of my life and had a very hard time when focus was pulled away from her. It began with threats of suicide if I spoke about it in my own home or around her. She dropped out for most of the wedding and ended up opting back in after attending my cousin's wedding and seeing how her sister got a lot of attention after giving the speech. The day of my shower, her boyfriend tried to kill himself and she was a mess. She showed up with a garter belt visibly showing along with her underwear in a very short dress. The week of the wedding they broke up. I told her she could come with or without a guest.

She ended up bringing her (now ex-boyfriend) boyfriend's friend who gave her ecstasy at my reception. She burnt out the curling iron and thankfully my hair lady could squeeze her in. It was constant problems/ issues.

This is what i learned from all of this:
-Having my sister there was important to me, but not at the expense of enjoyment for my whole family. If she was going to pull other people into the issues, I couldn't handle it.
-I began to set boundaries. It sounds like you're doing this to some extent with not inviting her. I believe you may be making the right choice, and it sounds like you're craving some validation. I often needed validation with my decisions with respect to my sister. It can feel heartless to set boundaries because they're so firm because BPD people often struggle with boundary-setting.
-It is hard not to take it personally during a special time in your life. I spent a lot of time as a kid sharing the spotlight with my sister, even when it was a special day (for example, she cut herself while I was getting ready for the prom because she struggled with the fact that I was getting dressed up and taking pictures and she was not because she was 4 years younger). With all of that being said, I knew it was not personal. I know this doesn't sound like it makes sense.
-A therapist once explained to me that I could not have expectations for my sister to love me in the ways I would love her. I always had big hopes for my relationship with her. My husband and his brother have the love I always craved between my sister and I. However, when I began to adjust my expectations, it helped somewhat with the heartache.
-She would surprise me at times with the love she did give. I know how hard it was for her, and it meant the absolute world for me. I know I am a better person for having known her.

Please take a breath and know that you are a wonderful sister. Be kind to yourself. Know that you are making the right choices with respect to your sister. The ball is in her court and takes the pressure off of you. I know it must be heartbreaking not to know your nephew, but know this is not on you, and you will not be able to resolve it- she will. Please feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk.

[Pina colada]

I still haven't mastered copy and paste here ... .So there is a cool and great side to my sister but the "sick" BPD side is so bad that the crumbs she throws are not worth the drama, pain and threats she hashes when she is triggered which seems to be a lot.  No one in the family thought sis should be at my daughters wedding as she is too unstable and has done so much mostly to me now that my mom is gone.  She claims to have loved our dad but he had been ill for about three years.  She visited once, maybe twice.  He broke his hip and passed in August, she only came after I got word out to her he was dying and would be gone in a few days.  She left before the funeral, was only interested to see if he had any money he left for her.  This is something I can not forget as I was there for him every day.  Our disordered sibs have a good side but the fact is they don't show that side a lot... .As for her finding me here it is because she posts on a conduct website about mostly me now, so many lies and is all over the Internet as she has no friends except cyber friends.  She has much time on her hands and writes horrible things about all, mostly lies, omissions of important parts and projection.  Her cyber friends buy into it to but my brother, father, mom when she was alive and cousins and other family members know her for the pathological liar she is.  I stopped going to that website months ago as her her silly stories about me and the reactions by her cyber friends are boring.

[jnssbc202]

Past behaviours are good predictors of future behaviours. From what you said, my view is that she'll ruin your wedding and you'll be in the same place you are now.  

The site mission is about preserving the family, but you and your H are your primary family now,  and I am so sorry about losing your baby... .you (and your H) shouldn't have to deal with toys drama on top of that when you are trying to move forward with your new life.  From what you said,  your sister has offered no olive branch. Did she even reach out when she heard about your miscarriage?

To be fair, I never told her about my miscarriage. I'm not sure if anyone told her. I also didn't reach out to her after she gave birth (which was 2 days after my first email to her).

Pina colada, sisBPD, and Turkish: your words helped me A LOT A LOT A LOT. Thank you. I just posted an update on the other thread that I started ("worried I'll regret no contact".

Thank you all again and again for your support 

[baylady]

I am glad the comments helped a little and gave you some validation.  Sometimes in these situations, we start to feel like we are the crazy ones.  I go to therapy to help me with setting boundaries and working on my own reactions to my uBPDsis.  It is really helping to have an objective person to talk to in confidence.  Best of luck, and I hope your wedding is beautiful and everything you wish it to be.