How do you deal with progress?

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I am having trouble coping and things are going better. I don't really understand what's happening. I guess I've felt sure things would be alright in the past and then they weren't. I have been working on not expecting any outcomes but when she makes progress I get all worked up. This time is worse. Do any of you have a problem with this? Things going well makes you worry more? I have OCD so it's possible it's related. I've had a bad day and needed to vent.

I am really tense also because we told our DD20 she could stay with us this week while we get her into the job corps. It has been my dream for her to go into the job corps for three years. I never thought it would happen. It hasn't yet. I don't know what we will do if she changes her mind. We've told her she can't actually live with us (also really hard, when your kid tells you she needs more parenting (we adopted her at 17). There's a variety of reasons why she can't live with us anymore. So anyway I'm tense about having her here but also what we will do if she changes her mind. She has an apartment in a nearby town but refuses to continue living in it. She says she doesn't feel safe there and the person who was supplying her drugs lives in the building. We don't want her there either.  I'm on her lease so I'm affected if she just leaves so I have to figure out how to get her out of her lease.

All I can focus on is the bad when I should be feeling hopeful. She sat us down and told us she knows she needs structure and is missing a lot of life skills. That's why she wanted to move back in with us. She wasn't mad that we said no and was immediately interested in job corps. She's made major breakthroughs recently with regulating her emotions. I should be hopeful. I feel like she's changing and I'm not. I get triggered by her so easily and its not fair to her, I can see how hard she is trying. Brains are a funny thing.

I'd be very interested to hear if anyone got more worried when things started to go better? How did you cope?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Hi hyacinth bucket,

Yes, I understand this.  I was the same way when my daughter started doing better too.  I was relieved that she seemed to be doing better, but at the same time could not fully relax or enjoy it.  I think maybe it is a defense mechanism... .because we have been through it so many times, to hell and back really, we need to keep our guard up.  We are waiting for the next shoe to drop.  It might not be good for us... .kind of like when people tense up when they are about to crash, which only makes the injury worse... .  It is our instinct to tense up and prepare for impact to protect ourselves.  That is my take anyway.  The longer the progress, or at least lack or regression lasts for, the more you can begin to relax.  Keeping radical acceptance in mind, as well as utilizing the tools of listening with empathy and using SET while communicating boundaries (all of which it sounds like you are doing) helps a lot.  Don't be hard on yourself, hyacinth.  You are doing awesome!  I believe if your daughter's forward steps continue (even if there are back steps as well) you will eventually find yourself better able to handle things... . 

Keeping expectations in check is key.  My dd21 is a trained practical nurse who at one time had a great job and glowing reviews.  She blew it.  It was very hard for me and my husband to let go of our dreams for her, but once we did and let her make choices, good and bad, and considered her future as her responsibility, not ours, things became easier for us.  We have a decent relationship again - not the same as what I have with her non BPD sibs who are close in age, but that is okay, we have learned to live with it.  I validate her as appropriate and carefully make suggestions for helping her move forward toward finding purpose in her life.  I still get a little start when an unexpected text comes in, bracing for a problem.  And it does happen... .it did on Friday when she was having a blow out with her boyfriend.  I was out of town and got the text.  I was happy with myself that I handled it calmly; validating and supporting her while gently nudging her to use her DBT skills.  It worked; she felt validated and was proud of herself for using her DBT skills to talk to her BF successfully!  Small successes!

All I can focus on is the bad when I should be feeling hopeful

Try not to fret about how you think you SHOULD be feeling and give yourself the permission to feel whatever comes naturally. You are doing great, and your daughter is responding well. Please do something relaxing, just for you hyacinth.     MomMae

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi MomMae,

  thank you, that helps a lot. I started nodding on the part about getting a start when you hear from her. My heart skips a beat when I see a missed call or text. Having her here this week will be challenging but you're right about expectations. I have to accept that she'll do all of her annoying things and be mean occasionally and we will get through it as we have before.

Thank you again for your response!

[Yepanotherone]

I’m right there with you ! I think as parents of a child with BPD who have been to hell and back , we suffer from post traumatic stress disorder for a bit . I’m serious ! It takes a LONG time to stop expecting the worst ! My DD continues to do well , she’s a pleasure to have around again and we finally feel we have our family back and life resembles some normality again . Our “ new “ normal that is ... .by that I mean a new normal that means we DONT assume my DD will graduate/go to universe and do great things with a career etc . But I still can’t help but feel guarded, as if the next crisis is just around the corner . I keep waiting for her to slip up because it all seems too good to be true . She literally handed us hell in a hand basket for 2 years and it’s taking a while for me to trust that she won’t dish it out again . I definitely think it’s a self defense mechanism that we keep our senses tuned in and we don’t completely allow ourselves to relax . I’m making progress though eg I don’t freak out now with anxiety and have a silent panic attack if I’ve accidently left a bottle of headache tablets in my handbag overnight downstairs or if I’ve left my razer to shave my legs in full view in the shower . Progress !

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I’m right there with you ! I think as parents of a child with BPD who have been to hell and back , we suffer from post traumatic stress disorder for a bit .

That is seriously how I feel. There isn't a super rational reason for me to be having panic attacks but it's happening nonetheless. I dread looking at my phone.

We have gotten pretty good at communicating with her via phone but she hasn't been in our home since we kicked her out last June, so the expectation of having her in our house is making me panic. Thankfully I got an appointment with my therapist this afternoon... she is arriving this evening.

Thank you, Yepanotherone 

[bluek9]

Hyacinthbucket, like everyone else who responded to your post, I'm right there with you. I call those brief moments of my BPD D doing okay "my nuggets of gold". They can be far and few between but, when they come they are so great. I have learned over the years (30 of them) not to hold my breath, wait for the other shoe to drop or stress about when it will end. IT WILL END, that's a fact for me. I simply take it in and enjoy it for all it's worth. Just last week we actually had 4 days in a row. I have found it better for my sanity to enjoy these moments and look at them as a glimps into the potential my daughter really has inside of her. Yes it is hard when these moments go away but then there is hope because I know they can come back. It begs the question: are we as parents expecting to much from our BPD children when we have any kind of good expectation for them? For me the answer is no. I taylor my expectations to fit what I know my daughter can handle, when she gets there it's a good thing for both of us. By doing that I can keep from frustrating her into a fit if rage. Keep posting, keep soaking up all the support from this board.

[wendydarling]

Hi HB

How are you after a week of your daughter home?  How did it go for you? That's a big deal for you letting your DD home for a week after having to ask her to leave last June.

I relate with you and others, as Yep says post traumatic stress, is a definite for me, is no wonder and why double down on self care practice is vital.  I call what you describe as 'sliding doors' and yes as my DD progressed I'd sometimes find it hard to respond, not feeling the relief that I desperately needed. Yes I was quietly hopeful I could see she was on a mission, doing her very best, fighting to be well. She was changing, inching forward, I wasn't, that's how it felt at times. I learnt that I had to concentrate on me for my own relief, my trauma, not through my DD's progress. If that makes any sense.

WDx

[Hyacinth Bucket]

How are you after a week of your daughter home?  How did it go for you? That's a big deal for you letting your DD home for a week after having to ask her to leave last June.

It actually worked out where she decided not to stay with us. I am extremely relieved. It started out where she just postponed it a week and has now decided to stay in her apartment. When it was simply postponed I was having persistent panic attacks all week and totally melting down. It took me many days to realize that it was because I can't handle her staying here for more than one night. I just can't. My husband's and my relationship barely survived parts of adopting her. My husband has PTSD from a similarly traumatic childhood to our daughters. When we adopted her at 17 we could never have predicted how much that would trigger my husband's ptsd. He was completely shutdown for over a year. We have worked really hard to put boundaries in place with our daughter and also to work on our relationship. I was petrified of what her staying with us would do to our relationship. I should also note that my husband and I are in our 30s and have only been married for 6 years.

So we won't be making that offer again. It's unfortunate and I wish that things were different. She is making a lot of progress, particularly on respecting our boundaries. She has continued to surprise us the last couple of weeks. I feel far better and centered though knowing that we can be supportive of her without having her in our space.

[wendydarling]

It actually worked out where she decided not to stay with us. I am extremely relieved. It started out where she just postponed it a week and has now decided to stay in her apartment. When it was simply postponed I was having persistent panic attacks all week and totally melting down. It took me many days to realize that it was because I can't handle her staying here for more than one night. I just can't. My husband's and my relationship barely survived parts of adopting her. My husband has PTSD from a similarly traumatic childhood to our daughters. When we adopted her at 17 we could never have predicted how much that would trigger my husband's ptsd. He was completely shutdown for over a year. We have worked really hard to put boundaries in place with our daughter and also to work on our relationship. I was petrified of what her staying with us would do to our relationship. I should also note that my husband and I are in our 30s and have only been married for 6 years.

So we won't be making that offer again. It's unfortunate and I wish that things were different. She is making a lot of progress, particularly on respecting our boundaries. She has continued to surprise us the last couple of weeks. I feel far better and centered though knowing that we can be supportive of her without having her in our space.

Wow HB, I can understand why you were petrified, panicking, melt down time - your concern for your husband's wellbeing and preserving all the hard work you've done coming unstuck within a week. I feel your relief. Do you think your DD becoming more aware of your boundaries was included in why she changing her mind, what reason did she give you?  

This is great, I had to look up what job corps is (UKer - what's she interested in?

What kind of progress are you seeing these last weeks?

WDx