He's moving in with another woman

[Chirimoya]

Just found out that H is moving in with another woman, probably this week.  I can't believe it and am livid. I knew he'd borrowed some money from this person before Xmas which i thought was weird but gave him the benefit of the doubt.  He says she is just a friend and that she's just renting him a room, but I smell a rat. It is so hurtful.  I was really struggling to come to terms with a possible separation and now this!  It really adds insult to injury. I sent him a bunch of abusive texts tobight which I'm not proud of. He just replied saying "staying elsewhere". Probably hers. I am with friends. I'd hoped to stay friends  with him if we broke up but I don't know if we can now. This is just awful

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Just found out that H is moving in with another woman, probably this week.  I can't believe it and am livid. I knew he'd borrowed some money from this person before Xmas which i thought was weird but gave him the benefit of the doubt.  He says she is just a friend and that she's just renting him a room, but I smell a rat. It is so hurtful.  I was really struggling to come to terms with a possible separation and now this!  It really adds insult to injury. I sent him a bunch of abusive texts tobight which I'm not proud of. He just replied saying "staying elsewhere". Probably hers. I am with friends. I'd hoped to stay friends  with him if we broke up but I don't know if we can now. This is just awful

Hi Chirimoya,

I am sorry for your pain. What can you do on your end of things though not to take an "abusive" approach? Keep in mind, you have no control over him so what can you do for yourself to work through this?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[JoeBPD81]

I am so sorry for your suffering. They feel like a part of us, and we can't understand how they do these things to us.

The truth is that they are not doing it TO us. They are doing it to themselves. And we have to live with ourselves too. Lingering there to feel the pain, and retaliate, it feels unavoidable, but it makes you no good at all.

You know you don't deserve it. Repeat to yourself that this has nothing to do with you. It belongs in your past. And you belong in a happy future.

It is a huge betrayal, I don't thik you can feel it differently that what you are doing. But it can't be solved, it can only be put in the past. Even if you feel you need revenge, what better revenge than not caring?

I hope you find healing and peace. I know I'm asking for the impossible, but if you believe you can get here, you will.

[Radcliff]

Chirimoya,

I am so sorry to hear this news.  No matter where things were, this must hurt so much.  I am sorry you are going through such an upsetting time.  Please stay in touch and keep us up-to-date on how you are doing.

   

WW

[Chirimoya]

Thanks very much for all the super thoughtful messages. He actually moved out today so I came home to a half empty house. I was in floods of tears for about an hour, but actually feel quite good now. Maybe it's just the relief. It was not fun being in limbo.

Joe- yes you are right; they do feel like part of us. I have been feeling like I am being torn in two. It is excruciating, but I do have faith that I can work through the grief and get to acceptance.

Wentworth- it's been good corresponding with you the last couple of days. Thanks for all the support.

Pearl - thank you for the reminder that I can't control him only myself. I am trying to implement low contact and looked up some ideas on the internet for doing so. One of them was to change his name on my phone to something silly so that it's not so emotionally triggering, and so that i am less likely to make or respond to contact. I have changed it to " Quentin". It's hard to cuss out someone called Quentin.  I have also unfollowed him and all his friends on social media and removed myself as administrator on his business websites. Small steps but hopefully they will keep me from making an ass of myself until I have calmed down properly.

Thanks all. It's a long road ahead but at least it is clear from obstruction. I guess I'll be moving over to the "detaching" board now... .

[Radcliff]

Chirimoya,

I'm glad you are able to feel some hope and optimism.  Don't be surprised if your emotions swing back and forth for a while.  That's all part of the journey, nothing to worry about.  You talked about ways you were avoiding getting triggered.  What about self-care, and ways to fill in some of the things you'll be missing?  Any friends you can hang out with?  Any family, friends, or hobbies you've been neglecting that can get a little more love and attention with your free energy?

WW