The rage, the making up. I'm falling apart.

[AgileElephant]

Hello everyone. New guy here. I have been married to my wife for almost 12 years. She can be an extremely caring, loving partner. Unfortunately she can also be extremely angry and hurtful. She is undiagnosed but I strongly suspect she has BPD. Lately we have both been under tremendous amounts of stress and the threats of divorce are almost daily. The rage, the making up. I'm falling apart. I never thought I'd be in this situation and I know I'm rambling. I've read some here and I'm looking forward to more. Thank you all for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Welcome AgileElephant  Here you will find many people with similar experiences to you along with a supportive community.

What kind of behaviors led you to suspect your wife may have BPD? Can you share about what things have been causing you both stress?

I have been with my wife for close to 12 years as well. One of the biggest pain points of being with someone with BPD or BPD traits is that they are not like that all the time. It brings great hurt to be treated this way by someone we love so deeply, especially when we don't understand WHY. I myself received a divorce threat a few weeks ago over a small argument about the kids.

Please read the threads here to find others who share the same problems. I suggest you also get involved in other conversations as it can be healing to trade experiences with others in the same boat. There is hope!

ROE

[Mutt]

Hi AgileElephant,



Id like to join RolandofEld and welcome you to the family. I completely understand how the stress associated with frequent divorce threats. It’s heartbreaking because it’s not problem solving it’s venting, making threats, it’s hostile

You’ll see that you’ll fight right in here. You’re not alone.

Do you have kids? What are the main pain points?

[AgileElephant]

Thank you both for the welcome. I've been dealing with this for so long on my own it feels a little weird to have support. We have one daughter. She is emotionally special needs which is adding to my wife's distress. We also have a lot of financial issues going on right now which is just adding to the problem as well. I was up until 3 a.m. last night with my wife yelling at me throwing my stuff around and threatening divorce. Stress is off the charts as I'm sure you can all imagine. I've been dealing with this for most of our marriage, but it is just getting worse with all the stress lately. I want to fix it but I don't know how. I don't want divorce because I believe forever means forever but at this point I don't know what to do. This forum seems like a really good place to start though. Thank you

[Mutt]

That's rough being yelled at 3AM. I'm sorry that you're going through this. A good place to start is the first step to the right of the board under basic tools 

How old is your D ( daughter )? How is she doing?

[AgileElephant]

She's 7. She's honestly not doing very good. I think I'm going to send her to live with my mom for a while. She lives on the other side of the country, but at least she'll be safe. I don't want to do that but I don't know if I have any choice anymore. I'm worried for her safety a lot of the time. My wife blames our daughter (and of course me) for everything that has gone wrong in her life. I think getting her out of this environment is probably best. It's heartbreaking though... .

[RolandOfEld]

Hi AgileElephant, that's really rough about your daughter. No kids should have so see these kinds of things. My wife is an amazing mother, but when dysregulating she does some really bad stuff in front of them.

How long would you consider sending your daughter for? Is your mother aware of your wife's issues?

[Radcliff]

AgileElephant,

Welcome to the boards.  I'm sorry to hear of your situation, but am glad that you have found us.  I can very much relate to your current situation.  It is exhausting and more.  The most important advice I have is to become a regular visitor and participant on this message board.  I see you've already posted on the breakup threats thread!  It wasn't until I became a regular here that I began to experience the huge benefits of the support that this community can give to someone with the weight of the world on his shoulders.  One thing I learned was to go ahead and bring the big problems to the board.  This place can help you with the big stuff.  There's a lot of experience here.

A couple of things jumped out at me...

Being kept up until 3am.  I've been there, done that.  How frequently does that happen?  If it is a regular thing, that should go right to the top of the list of problems to solve.  We can help you learn how to set boundaries and deal with things like that.

About your daughter, can you describe a little more about your concerns for her safety?  Are you referring to emotional safety, physical safety or both?

WW

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Agile,

I really like your username. Sorry to hear about everything going on and that you may have to send your daughter away for awhile. I can imagine that is a difficult decision to make.

What kinds of things is your wife angry about lately? Is there one topic that seems to come up more than usual?