What is the difference between helping her or enabling her?

[bookgardener]

I am here because our 19 year old daughter moved back home with us after becoming suicidal at college. She is not diagnosed BPD, but possibly has some traits and interestingly has worried that her diagnoses will be BPD. She is being treated for anxiety and depression and has not been doing very well ever since her stay in the psych ward almost 4 months ago. I think it will be a long road with her (history of mental illness in our family). I genuinely do not know at times if what I do in trying to care for her is helping her or enabling her. I have been unable to find an in person support group in my area, but recently found this message board.

Thanks for reading/listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[RolandOfEld]

Welcome bookgardener   I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's condition. I have a young daughter myself and it must be incredibly painful to see your child struggle this way and not know how to help.  

Here you will definitely find a highly supportive community including lots of individuals with adult children with BPD. I suggest you begin by reading and participating in some of threads on the board to gain context and learn from other's experiences. I think you will find a lot of resources to aid you in your journey.

What traits does your daughter have that signal BPD and why does she particularly fear that diagnosis? Is she well educated about BPD?  

ROE

[bluek9]

 Hi Book gardener, Bluek9 here. I felt I really needed to reply to your post. Your comment about not knowing if you're helping or enabling; hit my heart. I too just asked the same question not to long ago. It felt like the more I did the more she expected. I felt like I needed to find a way to help her be responsible. Well, the conclusion I came to was I can't make or help her be more responsible. What I can do is hold her accountable for her actions. The more you read here the more you will find out that anxiety, depression and so many other symptoms go along with BPD. My daughter is 35, I can clearly recall the teenage years, for us they were awful! Numerous hospitalizations, the medicine merry go round and of course the melt downs.
     I spent many years alone, the single parent with no support. Now I live in a very small coastal town with limited resources. I did find a care givers support group through the local hospital, but nothing specifically around this issue. Then a little over a month ago I found this board. Thank goodness! This place has done wonders for my sanity. There are soo many parents, grandparents here to support you in many different ways. One of the best ways is that we listen to each other and the other best way is that we support each other. There is lots to learn here. I know the situation is overwhelming for everybody involved. Slow down, take a breath, gather yourself, start learning. Educate yourself with all you can find here and in books. Keep coming back, I'd love to hear more of your story and keep encouraging you. Take care

[Skip]

I have been unable to find an in person support group in my area, but recently found this message board.

Hey! We're people. And we meet right in your house.  

One of the best ways is that we listen to each other and the other best way is that we support each other. There is lots to learn here.

Many of us have become family. I agree with bluek9... .having someone to listen and share with really helps.

I genuinely do not know at times if what I do in trying to care for her is helping her or enabling her.

This is a hard question.

We know from studies at Harvard and from personal experience that the number one indicator of recovery is the pwBPD having an advocate.  Someone they know will always be there, has their best interest at heart, and is patient.

Achieving this by word and more importantly, by action, day after day is really important.

And experts say this should not be enabling and we should not be doormats. There needs to be consequences for actions and those need to be very depersonalized. Avoid, "you disappoint me" or "if you want to live in this house".

Anyone have good examples of advocating but not enabling?- maybe examples of broken cell phone, lost jobs, crashed car, dui?