She thinks its best not to talk..huh..?

[dumpsterdog]

So my BPD ex ( ? ) gf has been responding to emails about once per week... but says " i think it best not to talk. She says she doesnt want the
" choas " of a relationship with me and just want to " be at piece "... .the only chaos is that which she is creating by makeiing me work so hard to get heer to just talk to me once in a while... .whats up with this and hiw do i proceed.?

She only responds to " small talk " emails, or if the topic is about her... .and i have not mentioned a relationship, but she always brings it upand says " no "... .

ADVICE.?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

nothing productive can come from working that hard to get someone to talk to you, when the message that is coming from them is that they need space. trying to get someone to talk to you who wants space only pushes them away.

why not give her that?

once you do, she might be more open to talking to you once in a while, down the road.

[dumpsterdog]

you make sense... .i just gets under my skin... .two weeks ago we talked eveery day... .now " she doesnt think its a good idea"
 I've been dealing with this for 7 years now... it really gets old. And I know that when i quit trying / i will be done for good, and thats exactly when she will be freindly again... .just really exhausted with the cycle.

[once removed]

two weeks ago we talked eveery day... .now " she doesnt think its a good idea"

i had a gal i almost dated, but didnt quite get there. when we fell out, she stopped contacting me, and was very short in her responses when i tried. it hurt. i missed it. it was also a sign that i needed to fill up my life a bit.

I've been dealing with this for 7 years now... it really gets old. And I know that when i quit trying / i will be done for good, and thats exactly when she will be freindly again... .just really exhausted with the cycle.

theres a balance to be found here. when you quit trying, she feels a bit more peace, thinks youve gotten the message, and remembers you fondly. it may be that after that, you come on too strongly, too quickly, and that pushes her away. you can work with that. give her space, and after things have cooled off, be cool, dont start pushing for too much too soon, in general, dont "push" at all. a lighter touch will work better.

[dumpsterdog]

ok... good advice... .like i said though... .ive been playing this game for 7 years... it gets old... .one of these times after head games like what i am currently going though, i just not going to ANSWER when she DOES call. and that makes me said. damned if i do and damned if i dont.

[Jessica84]

It may help to not see it as a "game". It can certainly feel that way, but a game implies their actions are deliberate, calculated, or intended to manipulate us. Feeling that way can make you resentful. It helped me to learn that it was his unhealthy coping skills, and nothing to do with me.

We work on only what we can change - ourselves. I've had to undo many thinking errors where I came to logical conclusions that weren't logical at all when it comes to BPD. There IS a logic to BPD, but it has everything to do with their feelings... .and feelings are not always logical... .so it gets confusing!

[dumpsterdog]

Yes... i can be honest and say i am absolutely resentful... i feel like being with this person has put my life in a tailspin, or at best ... on hold... .i cant move forward with her, and i cant move forward without her, and whenever i get the momentum to move forward without her, she gives me just enough hope to put me back in neutral for a while waiting for her to come along... .i feel like my feet are tied to a mule... .it wont let me lead, but it wont move unless its being lead because it cant decide which way to go... .the only logical thing to do is just brainwash myself to pretend i never even met her and she means nothing to me... .but that wouldnt be the truth... .so , best case scenario, i would have to lie to myself to let her go and then feel guilty about that... .actually i really do wish i had never met her.

[Jessica84]

Oh I have felt that way many times - how much easier my life would have been if I had never met him. But the heart is really stupid.   

Feeling resentful is a choice. I never knew that. Blaming him was easier than looking at my own stuff. I let him cross my boundaries, I let him scream at me, I let him twist my mind into a pretzel. Then I resented having to learn a whole new "language" just to talk to him... .until I started seeing the results and how effective it can be. Acceptance doesn't mean approval, rather accepting that BPD comes with a unique set of challenges. Letting go has been the hardest part for me - letting go of control, expectations, fairness, the hope for an equal partnership, normalcy, of how things "should" be, and anger, guilt, resentment. Because being at peace is also a choice. And I wanted you to know you have more power than you realize. Wishing you peace!

[Skip]

To attract someone, we need to be "attractive".

Attractive >> to draw by appeal to natural or excited interest, emotion, or aesthetic sense

Chasing her doesn't work. You have proof of that.

Wanting to rekindle the relationship and looking for advice on the detaching board where you talk about what a loser she is, isn't going to.

Getting advice and disregarding it isn't going to9 help rekindle.

Not partaking in constructive discussions with members on what she is thinking and how to best reach her, is not helping you.

All of this is not working for you.

Do you want to try something else?  Or do you feel most comfortable going down this same path? You are closing on on 100 posts.

We're here for you and want to help. Can you pivot? Set the hurt feelings aside. Set the frustration aside. Dig a little deeper? 

[dumpsterdog]

ok... skip... .thanks... food for thought... .releasing the resentment is key ... i get that... .i must also release this next statement... I knew going in that i was making a bad decision, but it was so easy to just say to myself " i know this isnt going to last, but I will deal with that after all this hot sex and lavish attention fades"... .ok... .I had a feeling i was dealing playing with fire... .and i tried to get her to behave according to my expectations,,and to her credit,, she tried the best she could i suppose... .i take responsibility for playing with fire... and it now burns... .my choices yielded my current pain... and yes, almost a hundred posts... .that tells me im grieving, im reaching out, im trying to do the right thing... intellectually i see this... .emotionally i still hurt... .

hows that for owning up... .and i have read lots of stuff as people on here have suggested... .
thanks man.

[dumpsterdog]

Jessica... what has been the dynamic since you have let go of any expectations of his behavior... ?

[Jessica84]

Jessica... what has been the dynamic since you have let go of any expectations of his behavior... ?

My expectations were perfectly fine for a r/s with a healthy adult. But I was dealing with someone too handicapped to meet those expectations. So I had to view it in that light and stop expecting more than he could give. It wasn't possible. Either I accepted that or I moved on without him. Here's the shift... .didn't happen overnight and it still isn't always successful, but overall has made things better... .

BEFORE (unhealthy dynamic):
He needs drama to regulate his emotions--> I feed this need by reacting--> drama--> calm (his need is met)
The drama soothes him because once I'm hysterical, he feels calm again. He feels understood by making me feel as bad as he does. But it's short-lived because I'm still suffering and keep resurrecting the old conflicts. He's rewritten history by then because it doesn't match his current feelings so he shifts all the blame to me. He still doesn't have to deal with his emotions because I'm the troublemaker, and he's the victim. A vicious circle begins where I get drawn back into more conflict. Round and round we go... .
==Now we both feel bad.

AFTER (healthy dynamic):
He needs drama to regulate his emotions--> I validate his feelings instead--> calm (his need is met)
Now that he feels understood, he feels better, his emotions settle down. He no longer needs to shift blame, attack me or provoke an argument to soothe himself so there's less drama.
==Now we both feel good.