Need Guidance - Feel Like I Am Going Nuts

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello All,

"Just to preface, this person has never been formally diagnosed with BPD but most of the symptoms and behaviors are definitely present in her day to day demeanor."

Admittedly, I haven't been on these boards in over a year.  I needed to try to move on from the whole debacle and attempt to put it behind me and I felt like revisiting the topic each day was triggering me.

Well, after 10 months of no-contact, 2 weeks ago, she has resurfaced.  I believe her MO was to get a feeling for where I am in life and attempt to wiggle her way back in.  Well, sadly, I decided to entertain the idea with some boundaries.  She explained how much progress she has made, how horrible she felt for letting me slip away. She would also tell me how caring, wonderful, and all of the positive things that come along with idealization.  Mind you, it's only been 2 weeks.  She asked me to go on a trip with her, she wanted to date etc.  After 2 weeks, it all came crashing down again.  She sends me a text that she thinks she prematurely reached out to me and "doesn't want to hurt me."  Turns out, she's not over a previous relationship she just ended a couple of months ago according to her.  I think there is really something wrong with this person, I decided to call her and she was basically hyperventilating, unable to speak and crying uncontrollably (I don't think this is a normal response to the situation).  At this point I have really had enough.  I told her she needs to move on and live her life and leave me alone.  I feel like I was making such progress in putting this part of my life behind me and it has all come crashing down.  I'm terribly saddened and feel the loss and emptiness I have worked so hard to get over previously. 

She makes me feel a level of guilt because she says that this was never her intention, however I find it amazing that she can go from convincing herself she has all of her stuff together one day to being completely broken and unable to function the next. 

My thoughts are all over the place right now so I apologize in advance if my narrative is all over the place as well.

Am I nuts or is there something wrong with this picture?

[Warcleods]

Hello All,

"Just to preface, this person has never been formally diagnosed with BPD but most of the symptoms and behaviors are definitely present in her day to day demeanor."

Admittedly, I haven't been on these boards in over a year.  I needed to try to move on from the whole debacle and attempt to put it behind me and I felt like revisiting the topic each day was triggering me.

Well, after 10 months of no-contact, 2 weeks ago, she has resurfaced.  I believe her MO was to get a feeling for where I am in life and attempt to wiggle her way back in.  Well, sadly, I decided to entertain the idea with some boundaries.  She explained how much progress she has made, how horrible she felt for letting me slip away. She would also tell me how caring, wonderful, and all of the positive things that come along with idealization.  Mind you, it's only been 2 weeks.  She asked me to go on a trip with her, she wanted to date etc.  After 2 weeks, it all came crashing down again.  She sends me a text that she thinks she prematurely reached out to me and "doesn't want to hurt me."  Turns out, she's not over a previous relationship she just ended a couple of months ago according to her.  I think there is really something wrong with this person, I decided to call her and she was basically hyperventilating, unable to speak and crying uncontrollably (I don't think this is a normal response to the situation).  At this point I have really had enough.  I told her she needs to move on and live her life and leave me alone.  I feel like I was making such progress in putting this part of my life behind me and it has all come crashing down.  I'm terribly saddened and feel the loss and emptiness I have worked so hard to get over previously. 

She makes me feel a level of guilt because she says that this was never her intention, however I find it amazing that she can go from convincing herself she has all of her stuff together one day to being completely broken and unable to function the next. 

My thoughts are all over the place right now so I apologize in advance if my narrative is all over the place as well.

Am I nuts or is there something wrong with this picture?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Warleods, Many of us, including me, have recycled, so you are in good company.  What made you think that things would play out differently this time?  Presumably you had some reason why you were willing to "entertain the idea," as you put it.  What pulled you back into the toxic soup?  What have you learned about yourself from this experience?  What would you like to see happen at this point?

LuckyJim

[Warcleods]

Hey Warleods, Many of us, including me, have recycled, so you are in good company.  What made you think that things would play out differently this time?  Presumably you had some reason why you were willing to "entertain the idea," as you put it.  What pulled you back into the toxic soup?  What have you learned about yourself from this experience?  What would you like to see happen at this point?

LuckyJim

Hey Jim,

Thanks so much for the reply.

She basically told me how she spent the past year working on herself, going to therapy, starting taking medication to help with the symptoms etc.   I've always cared about this person, and I suppose I believed there would have been some change because she reached out to me with that information about herself.  Over the short couple of weeks, it became apparent quickly that is was the same person I was dealing with a year ago.  In some aspects, I think she may be a bit worse than before.  What I have learned for myself in this mess is that I deserve to be treated better and I am not interested in being the center of her dramatic and chaotic world.  I told her I needed her to go away for good because I feel like she made an impulsive decision to contact me, idealized me for a short period of time and then pushed me away... .again.  I don't need need or want this type of treatment from anyone. And at the same time, this short experience has caused old wounds to resurface.  So now I am dealing with that a feel pretty crappy.

[Lucky Jim]

What I have learned for myself in this mess is that I deserve to be treated better and I am not interested in being the center of her dramatic and chaotic world.

Hey Warcleods, That's a valuable lesson, from my point of view.  Yes, you deserve better.  No, you don't need to live in turmoil and drama.  Now you know what you don't want in a r/s, which gives you a better perspective going forward.  I understand that it's painful, but it leads to new growth.  I have to chuckle a little when you say that she "may be a little worse than before," because in my experience BPD symptoms can intensify over time, or at least that's what happened in my marriage.  Of course you feel "pretty crappy," so keep acknowledging your feelings and I predict that they will start to subside.

LuckyJim

[JNChell]

Hey Warcleods. I just wanted to commend you on practicing strong boundaries within this latest development. Good on you. You did the right thing for you.

[crushedagain]

What a nightmare. Sorry you are dealing with this.

These people are so incredibly selfish. It seems to me she's involved with another man and triangulating. They're always setting up the next victim, or rekindling with the old flame(s), so one never has their undivided attention and love. Sick, sick people.  

[crushedagain]

I wanted to add that when mine came back the first time after storming out on me, I set the same sort of boundaries where she was to be working on certain behaviors and that I was not going to accept her ever walking out again, or even threatening to. She was good for a few months, but after that she went right back into the same old behaviors. I don't think these people change, so I think we have to accept that's how they'll always be, no matter what they say.

[Harley Quinn]

Am I nuts or is there something wrong with this picture?

Hi Warcleods,

No, you're not nuts.  In fact, I popped in to join the others in congratulating you on having strong boundaries here on what you aren't prepared to accept for yourself.  I think this shows that you've had some growth since your first time around.  I'm sorry that this has brought up old wounds.  Perhaps this is an opportunity to work through some things that were left behind for you after the r/s.  Have you had any therapy or other support between then and now?  Would this be something you might consider?  Working through these emotions can be hard, but so valuable long term in protecting you from having further similar situations arise.   

Love and light x

[Warcleods]

Hey Warcleods. I just wanted to commend you on practicing strong boundaries within this latest development. Good on you. You did the right thing for you.

Thank you JN, doesn't feel that way sometimes although I know it's the right thing.

[Warcleods]

Hi Warcleods,

No, you're not nuts.  In fact, I popped in to join the others in congratulating you on having strong boundaries here on what you aren't prepared to accept for yourself.  I think this shows that you've had some growth since your first time around.  I'm sorry that this has brought up old wounds.  Perhaps this is an opportunity to work through some things that were left behind for you after the r/s.  Have you had any therapy or other support between then and now?  Would this be something you might consider?  Working through these emotions can be hard, but so valuable long term in protecting you from having further similar situations arise.   

Love and light x

Thank you Harley, I haven't been to therapy in about a year  I tried a few different therapists but never felt they were helpful. 

The boundary I set with her is that I am not playing her game and am done.  I told her this and am sticking to it.  I just don't know if I have the strength to avoid her if she does resurface again.  She is very convincing with her words but her actions always seem to speak louder over time.  I think I just need to focus on her actions and understand them to be the truth about who she is.

[Skip]

She makes me feel a level of guilt because she says that this was never her intention, however I find it amazing that she can go from convincing herself she has all of her stuff together one day to being completely broken and unable to function the next. 

Rebound relationships are destructive... .sorry you got pulled into this.

It sounds like you stayed strong and acted in a healthy way. Good for you!

[Jeffree]

Am I nuts or is there something wrong with this picture?


Warcleods,

If you're crazy, then so am I.

My STBx moved out on Aug. 1 of last year.

She occasionally comes by my house unannounced to see her bio kids or pets.

Sometime during Super Bowl weekend the pipes in her house burst. Since then she's been to my house and slept over (downstairs on the couch) about 7 days.

Some would say I am nuts for allowing any of this. Despite being in this vulnerable position where the place she has moved to is in complete disarray and unlivable, she gives me grief, but not devastatingly so. I endure it, because I don't feel making a hard boundary is reasonable because her kids live with me. She does need access to them, even if she is a lunatic with them and constantly overturning the apple cart with them.

I could envision a scenario where she might propose reuniting. However, this I am almost certain I wouldn't succumb to because of the stories of others such as yourself who agreed to give it another go despite their better judgement and watched things fail all over again.

I am sorry some old wounds have been reopened for you. However, this recent ending should prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that things just can't work out with her.

J

[FindingMe2011]

  I feel like I was making such progress in putting this part of my life behind me and it has all come crashing down.  I'm terribly saddened and feel the loss and emptiness I have worked so hard to get over previously. 


You could also look at this as, " Maybe Im not as far, in my recovery, as I once thought?" Its not bad, or good, it just "is"... .giving others, the power to make us feel a certain way, will always end up in loss, and emptiness... .Your progress shows in your words... .seeing things differently, does have its pros and cons... .but what is peace worth?... .myself and many others have said these exact words... .I later learned, it was my subconscious telling me, there is still, more work to do.

She makes me feel a level of guilt because she says that this was never her intention, however I find it amazing that she can go from convincing herself she has all of her stuff together one day to being completely broken and unable to function the next. 


Is it possible that her intentions are noble ? Is the guilt you so easily accept, unjust?... .Ruminations can easily change our perceptions... .Sometimes we need to recycle, to realize we are no match, to the illness... .Keep up the hard work, I wish u well, peace

[Harley Quinn]

She is very convincing with her words but her actions always seem to speak louder over time.  I think I just need to focus on her actions and understand them to be the truth about who she is.

This is a positive realisation Warcleods.  Many of us have gotten stuck over this, by holding onto the words and failing to note the vast difference between these and the actions of our ex partners.  I most definitely fell into the trap of hanging onto the things that were said.

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimize the negative actions. “But she said she would love me forever”. Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications. You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth.

This excerpt is taken from Surviving a breakup when your partner has Borderline Personality Disorder and contains the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck.  You may have read this article when you were last here.  How could you remind yourself of this if she were to re engage again in the future?

Love and light x

[Lucky Jim]

She is very convincing with her words

My BPDxW was like that: very convincing in person with her words.  Yet if you later examined what she said closely, it was easy to see that it was either misleading or off the mark. 

I agree w/Harley:

But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth.

As Jean-Paul Sartre said, "Man is the sum of his acts."  He didn't say, "Man is the sum of his words"!

LJ