How do you bring it up to someone that they may have BPD?

[Kalani]

My UBPDh is 28yo convinced he as ALS, or some type of terminal illness that he is dieing from.  It started about 8 months ago.  He experienced shortness of breath, feeling he couldn’t breathe while he slept, hand and muscle cramping, twitching in muscles all over his body and even his tongue. He came across the thought of it could be ALS by the symptoms he is having.  We have been to numerous doctors and specialists and no test conclude to line up with what he’s saying (although the process to find if it’s als is just a rule out process) He also feels dull emotionally, no happiness anywhere, no hope for anything.  He comes home from work and typically goes in the bedroom and will watch videos or read.  After telling me that I don’t support him and it doesn’t feel like I’m on his team, I began to research how I can help him.  I’ve looked into anxiety and depression because he faces that’s as well.  I came upon BPD while reading symptoms and such.  I believe he has that but has not been diagnosed with it yet.  He fits all of the criteria for having this, not to mention he has felt he was always different than other people and feeling this way for years.  6 out of 7 days when I try to talk to him about maybe it’s not als, it causes a huge fight and idk what to do anymore.  

I’m here to find out if anyone else has been through this situation before, is this common for people to think they have serious conditions and will not take any other answe.    If so how do you go about bringing it up to someone that they may have this BPD  of a physical condition?

Post split from Original Topic as it it a worthwhile topic in it's own right

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm glad you have found us on the internet, yet I'm sorry for the trouble that has you searching for answers.

I want to assure you this is a safe place to ask questions and gain understanding of confusing and troubling behaviors that you are struggling with in your relationship.

I've read your post and I have a few follow up questions and a few initial thoughts.

Before 8 months ago, were there any weird behavior things in the r/s (how long have you been together?)  Such as "accusing" you of not supporting him and that kind of thing?

Can you briefly sketch out the doctor visits he has had and what things have been "ruled out" and if that is definitive or just "pretty sure"?

Has a sleep study been done? 

I'm going to suggest your first reading.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

bpdfamily has a number of articles that help members understand concepts that are critical to improving a relationship with a pwBPD. 

Your first big question:  How would that article relate to your discussions about whether or not he has ALS?

    Thanks for caring enough to find us and to search for answers.  I'm going to guess he doesn't see you as caring much at the moment (given his accusations of non-support). 

For now, please keep your thoughts about BPD and other "diagnosis" to yourself.  There may come a day when it is wise to share, for now... .let's work on educating you some.    How does that sound?

FF

[pearlsw]

Hi Kalani,

Did you tell him about BPD? Did he relate to the symptoms?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Lakebreeze]

Hi there!
It's exhausting to have a spouse that is positive that they are dying... .It used to really upset me, trust me, I know. Let me start with the most important thing first... .formflier and pearl already stated this. It's probably best NOT to break the news to your spouse that you think they have BPD. That would get really messy really fast.
Coping with a spouse that is certain that they have a terminal Illness is tricky but do-able. The biggest thing for me was giving up the idea that I was going to convince him he didn't have whatever the disease of the hour was. Funny you mention ALS. My husband has been sure for a long time that he has ALS. As well as necrotizing factitious, pheocromocytoma, numerous cancers, I can't even remember everything.  The only thing he ended up with is a CPAP ( night time breathing assistance) that he refused to use. It's annoying, but I decided not to play into it. When he approaches me saying do you think I have xyz disease I say... "hmmm, I don't know. Do you think you do? Hmm why do you think that?" The point is to act interested, validate that's it's scary to think something is wrong and then let him really vent about it. Once he talks long enough his underlying concern is his overwhelming fear of his own mortality, which I read somewhere is very common for BPDs and lots of nons as well. I DON'T come up with solutions to the problems ( ie "you should see a neurologist" ect). He probably won't change his behavior. But you can change how you react to it and how crazy it makes you. Good luck and welcome to the board!
Lakebreeze

[Ble55ed]

Thanks, Lakebreeze. Your posts made me smile and remember the most effective way to respond. My husband also has a CPAP he won't use, and he is always convinced something dire is wrong. He's thrown his back out twice this month, so he is convinced he has bulging disks and he needs surgery. Came home from the doctor the other day with a diagnosis of muscle strain and prescription for muscle relaxers and high strength Motrin, and full of insults for the doctor. But low and behold, his back is improving with the meds, and yesterday he admitted maybe the doctor was right.

[formflier]

Generally... .you will need to develop the skill for listening, empathy and then be ruthless about "pivoting" to asking them about specific solutions/actions they will take.

Keep going and express confidence that with diligent effort and engagement with the medical community, their issues will be better understood.

Stay away from "all better" or "fixed" (again... can be invalidating).  By sticking with understood, you can also agree and validate that this is scary... .and you need to understand what "we" are up against.

FF