My emotions are a disaster- help? (With BP Parent)

[SilverNight]

Hello Board People!

So... .as the title says, my emotions are a disaster. The thing is, they're not a disaster all the time. For several years, I simply blocked out my emotions, which it turns out was not a good idea- it drained me of empathy and made me feel more than a bit inhuman. Nevertheless. These days, I'm allowing myself to actually feel emotion, and I've felt more like an actual person than I ever have before, which I feel is progress.
I grew up in a home with a ruthless BP mother, whose emotions were always totally out of control. I've recognized since then that my mother has always about as much emotional maturity as a 12-year old (she's in her mid-fifties now). I guess I was never really sure what to feel, other than fear of being imperfect. If I was ever imperfect, I would get yelled at/spanked/put in time out. It was so extreme that each episode was really traumatizing for me. I remember crying a lot, so I guess there was some actual emotion in my soul. But, like many with a BP parent, I was severely punished if I ever got angry. I was also not really allowed to express any sort of emotion.
These days my BP mom is obsessed with asking me if I had a happy childhood. The obvious answer is no. For the longest time I just said 'yes' to avoid conflict, but after a while I started answering honestly. My dad mentioned to me that she now thinks that they were horrible parents to me (the classic black and white thinking that BPs have). I guess she wants me to feel badly for speaking the truth. I digress.
These days I often feel in control of my emotions, but sometimes, especially when I overthink texts from friends, I get to thinking that they hate me (when they probably don't... .right?), and then I start crying because I made them hate me, and why am I even trying to communicate, and it sort of snowballs from there.  Sometimes in a movie or a book, there'll be something about 'feeling at home' or finally finding where the main character belongs, and I'll totally just lose it and cry. Because quite honestly, I've never really felt like I had a home. I make very few friends and have never felt like I really belonged anywhere. I think I read somewhere that that's one of the symptoms of having a BP parent. I hate that. And my reaction is to cry about it... .The worst part about this break down thing is I feel like I've become emotionally chaotic like my mom. I'm not like that very often, but I feel depressed/disturbed for days on end when this happens, even sometimes subconsciously saying things that she says. About the last person in the universe I'd want to be like is my mother, particularly emotionally chaotic like her.
I just... .I wish I didn't have so many problems. It's great that there's so much being done to help people like us, but it would've been so much easier had I not come pre-programmed with emotional baggage. Sometimes I just hate myself, and I feel like other people do, too, though I don't feel that as much as I used to.
In short, I feel like I've made some progress, but sometimes I feel like all that progress just goes down the drain when I have an emotional disaster episode. I'm at a loss on how to stop being so emotionally screwed up. Help, please?

[Turkish]

My fictional hero when I was a teen was Spock. Logic, no feelings. Forgive the nerd aside, but I loved this exchange in the 4th Star Trek movie:

Ambassador Sarek: As I recall, I opposed your enlistment in Starfleet. It is possible that judgment was incorrect. Your associates are people of good character.

Spock: They are my friends.

Ambassador Sarek (said in a condescending and dismissive tone) Yes, of course.

And Spock didn't rise to the bait. Good for his character, but extremes aren't healthy,  and Vulcans suppress their emotions... .

Looks like your mom may be doubting herself and seeking validation. While I don't think it's helpful to be mean,  you can be truthful,  if short. "No." Or, if you want a conversation, mirror her and toss the ball into her court, "do you think I had a happy childhood?" It's a valid question from your side. Maybe more neutral would be like,  "what is your view of my childhood?" Keep the ball in her court, no sarcasm on your part. You may be surprised on what she will admit and it may help you put things into context.

[Harri]

Hello silvernight!

I have found that feeling my feelings after years of being shut down and in a state of mild dissociation during stressful or triggering times to be very unsettling.  When you think about it, it makes sense that you are going to have rocky times as you learn how to function with all these pesky confusing and sometimes frightening emotions bubbling up unexpectedly. 

What helped(s) me is to not fight them and remind myself that it will take time to learn how to function while feeling. 

another thing to remember is that we as kids of often have attachment and or anxiety issues.  This is totally expected.  It would not be normal to grow up with your experiences and not have a few issues at least.  You can learn to change your thought patterns which can help regulate your fears and emotions.  Counseling can help with this, but so can posting on this board as you need to.  Often the best and most productive times to post is when things are going good or are at least stable.  that way your head is clear as you try to understand what is driving the anxiety.

You ask how to stop being emotionally screwed up.  To summarize what I wrote above, I don't think you are messed up.  I think that you are unfamiliar and new to feelings and will have to learn to accept them and maybe change some thought patterns.  None of that means you will be like your mom. 

Good to hear from you tho I am sorry you are having trouble.

[Panda39]

I wanted to respond to the crying.  I went through sort of a breakdown that turned out to be a breakthrough several years ago.  I cried for about a year... .letting out the pain, but also crying when I figured new things out.  I knew I hit on something important when I cried about it.

Just let those feeling come and cry all you want     

Panda39

[SilverNight]

Thank you all. Thank you all so much! Man, it feels so good to get feedback. I've calmed down a bit since I originally posted, and, thanks to your feedback, I'm beginning to see the key is that I'm learning how to be a real human, and that these emotions I'm feeling are a part of being human. I've got to keep reminding myself of that. You guys really helped me out, I hope you know that! Thanks again!

[etown]

Hi SilverNight,

I just wanted to jump in here to say that I totally get what you were saying in your original post. I too have experienced what it was like to shut myself down in order to cope with my out of control BPD mom. For a long time, I would go completely blank, then something small--a disagreement, a stressful day at school--would trigger me and I'd just lose it, either with deep sadness or with anger.

Becoming aware of that and moving to change it has been such a hard process that I'm still working on. It takes so much space and practise. I have to tell myself all the time that I'm not responsible for other people's feelings, that most of what they think or say has nothing to do with me, and that I don't have to constantly make my friends prove that they're not going to leave or hurt me. Above all, I don't have to work to make people happy the way I used to have to work (and fail) to make my mom happy. I have a pretty helpful counsellor who I work with on this. I can only afford to see her once a month or so, but she definitely helps me find the roots of my feelings and honour them, rather than stuffing them down until they erupt.

Also the part about your mom asking for constant validation about her parenting is so familiar. Mine is like that too. She wants me to comfort her, I think, to tell her that I'm ok with the genuinely awful things she did so she can forgive herself, maybe. Or to prove that none of it was her fault. I've learned that there's no point in telling her my side of things, that I don't have to convince her of anything to validate my own story. Again, it's been a great help that I have a counsellor who hears me and believes me when I talk about my childhood.

I guess what I'm saying is that, you're not alone. It's so important to be heard and believed and supported. What you went through and are going through is real. The way you have learned to deal with it was real and necessary, but you can probably let it go now that you're safe. There's nothing wrong with you. Your feelings are valid. (These are all things I say to myself, too)

[CollectedChaos]

Welcome!

So much of your post hit home for me.  I have been working through very similar emotional issues over the past several years with a therapist, and have found it very helpful.  I spent years bottling up my emotions which would then lead to extreme anxiety/depression, and lots of crying when the emotions got to be too much.  And I was always left confused because I didn't think I was actually feeling anything until that mountain came crumbling down on top of me and I was a wreck.  As kids in a BPD home, we aren't given permission to be ourselves or to feel emotions outside of what is expected of us.  Instead we are give the "job" of regulating our parents emotions and behaviors, which is a task that no one can accomplish, especially not a child.   In my home, I was expected to be stoic and to comfort my parents instead of the other way around.  If I showed emotion, I was either completely dismissed or told that my feelings were "incorrect" for the situation.  So, when you grow up pretending everything is fine and nothing you're feeling is worth addressing, you stop paying attention to any of it and just shuffle through life.  And unfortunately, as you're coming to see, is that this coping skill that got us through our childhood is no longer helpful as an adult. 

I also felt as though my emotions would get out of control, and then worry that I was BPD too.  However, I've learned that these characteristics of mine are "fleas" from growing up how I did.  The difference between you and your BPD mom is that you recognize that those things are issues and want to change them and be healthier.  Someone with BPD won't see or want that. 

Being more in-tune with your emotions on a basic level is so difficult and takes a lot of practice.  Some things I have found to be helpful are yoga/mindfulness exercises and journaling.  I try, at the beginning of each entry, to write down a few words that describe how I'm feeling.  It forces me to stop and think for a minute about what is going on in my head instead of being blindsided.  I also have to always remind myself to not read into things that others do.  With people you are close with, perhaps telling them that this is something you have been struggling with and asking the direct question, "are you upset with me?" in situations where you feel someone is upset with you could be helpful.  Then, whatever they say is the truth and you get to process the reality of the situation vs your perception and move on instead of stewing on it. 

My dad mentioned to me that she now thinks that they were horrible parents to me (the classic black and white thinking that BPs have). I guess she wants me to feel badly for speaking the truth.

This part of your post struck me.  My BPD mom has some similar things in the past.  However, I am not sure if it was necessarily to make me feel bad about being honest.  I think it was instead an attempt to get me, or whoever she was talking to, to comfort her about it.  "Yes, things may have not been so great but it's okay now" kind of deal, if that makes sense.  I think that they know that things about their parenting weren't so great and in order to feel better about it, instead of trying to make amends they try to get positive validation from others.  Because to try to apologize/correct things, that would mean they would have to admit they made mistakes and that's too difficult for them emotionally (because they then have to face those shortcomings).  I always found it was better to give a short answer and if she attempted to get me to elaborate, I would end the conversation.  Nothing you say will change any of it, or get her to change - not worth the drama the conversation would cause.

Glad you're here!

[Ziggiddy]

Hi SilverNight
I think it's so brave of you to reach out and say what was going on inside you.  Having a BPD mother means you were unlikely to have ever been taught what emotions really are ans how to experience them without feeling panicked or worried. This most especially if you were punished for displaying any emotions that were unwanted by her.
I think it feels like they are going to go on forever when they are happening - that still happens to me after years and years of learning about this.
It's worth keeping in mind when they do come in waves that it's your body just trying to do what it's meant to do - which is to survive an overwhelming level of distortion. tears are a very natural response to your pain.
I'm glad you are doing better and I hope it continues to improve. You are entitled to every single one of your feelings. you don't have to worry that you are out of control as you seem to stop and self check from time to time.
I wish you the best of luck with learning about who you really are and how you really feel
  lots of hugs
Ziggiddy

[zachira]

I too was raised by a BPD mother and have had trouble learning to regulate my emotions, and after many years of ongoing therapy and trying all kinds of things, I am do not get as easily triggered or usually recover fairly rapidly from upsetting events. Of everything, I tried I think that a meditation program like Jon Cabot Zinn's is what works the best for emotional regulation. I learned to take out time each day for quiet time to settle down what was going on emotionally, to process my feelings in those quiet times, and then whatever happened that was upsetting just seemed to get resolved.

[CollectedChaos]

Another thing I thought of was this:  I always need to remind myself that emotions are temporary.  The come and go, like waves.  It's not always easy to take a step back and remind yourself of that when you're in the heat of an emotional moment, but remembering that those feelings, while overwhelming right now, will lessen with time.  Since we were never allowed to feel emotions and feelings in a real way, we have no concept of the idea that they aren't permanent and sometimes you just have to ride them out.  For me, part of the reason I can get so wound up in my emotions is that I judge myself for feeling them.  Emotions are a part of life, not something to be shameful of.  Everyone experiences them, and they are neither right or wrong.  Ruminating on the issue causing the emotion on top of the shame for having the emotions at all only causes things to become larger than they need to be.

Something my H says to me is this:  Is this something that will matter in a year? 5 years? A month even?  If not, then it's time to take a deep breath and step away from it.  Find something that you enjoy doing that involves a little concentration - reading, exercise, yoga, even cleaning helps me sometimes since it gets me moving and focused on something else, haha.  It will get your mind off the immediate issue and allow you to revisit it later with a clearer head.  That emotion will feel less overwhelming with a little space.

[zachira]

I agree with you that emotions are only temporary and if we allow ourselves to process our feelings, we will feel better. What for me is the most challenging is grieving all the losses and the ongoing problems I have due to being raised by a BPD mother who is still alive and still in my life. Do take the time to allow yourself to feel the losses, and you will get to the point where they have less of an impact on you in the present.

[CollectedChaos]

I definitely agree that grieving what we didn't have as a child and don't have now as adults because of our BPD parent is difficult but very worthwhile.  You will likely find that those losses permeate into a lot of different areas of your life today - I know I was pretty shocked by it.  I'm still not completely past it yet, and may never be, but it has gotten easier to accept over time and doesn't typically bring about strong emotional reactions anymore. 

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear SilverNight-

I'm very sorry for the emotional abuse you've endured and the painful impacts on your life.  You're still relatively young, I gather, and you're stronger than you know. 

I looked at my parents years ago... .the strength and heart of my dad, and the avoidance traits of my mother.  The failure to address the childhood molestation that was inflicted upon me by our neighbor and the heavy price I paid for that.  And other things.  I chose to be more like my father.  Most of that wasn't really a choice, though.  Just a year and a half ago my sister asked me to tell my brother what happened to me when I was younger.  She wanted him to know I wasn't "weak".

I masked pain with humor.  I am funny.  I married a cruel man.  I pretended I was happy.  I protected his kids from him and helped build them into strong, self-confident adults.  I never properly addressed my ptsd.  Not from the molestation.  Not from the rape in college.  Not from the 19-year marriage.  I propped myself up helping other people.  But now, maybe there's no one else to help.  My step kids are grown.

I am 60 and and almost completely broken.  My BPD BF has shown me just how little there is left of me.  But I'm not dead yet, so there is still hope.  My BPDbf does believe in me in his own way, and one of my nieces has expressed a need for my "wisdom".

So please SilverKnight, help yourself now.  Now.  Put yourself first, because no one else will until YOU do.  My NPD mom doesn't know that I remember what happened when I was 6-7 years old... .and I wont tell her.  There were MANY years she could have brought it up with me, and didn't.  I cannot look to her to help heal me in any way.  Just like you cannot look to your mom to help you heal.

Please hold your head high, and become the strong woman you are meant to be.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[pbnjsandwich]

I just... .I wish I didn't have so many problems. It's great that there's so much being done to help people like us, but it would've been so much easier had I not come pre-programmed with emotional baggage. Sometimes I just hate myself, and I feel like other people do, too, though I don't feel that as much as I used to.
In short, I feel like I've made some progress, but sometimes I feel like all that progress just goes down the drain when I have an emotional disaster episode. I'm at a loss on how to stop being so emotionally screwed up. Help, please.



  My father passed way a few years ago.  He was my BPD parent. After his passing, I admit, I was relieved. I had spent 40 plus years dealing with the emotional, rage-induced behavior. I'm 54 now.  I have seen the damage it has caused, not only me, but my siblings as well. Like you, I wished I had a more loving, less confusing childhood, but that was not the hand that I was dealt.  I think you need to give yourself some credit.  You seem to be self-aware and are honest about it.  I wish more people were like you. Hun, we all have a box of rocks we're carrying around.  Even though we all look fairly normal to you, we're not. Some people are great at hiding it, others, like me, wear it out and show it off. It's going to take some time, but I think that you see the issues, are aware of them and want to make some changes in your life.  We all have to do that.  I once met a little girl (middle school) who was diagnosed with BPD. She was seeing a therapist for it. What would you tell that little girl?