Holidays Are the Worst

[kitsch]

My father is especially intense around holidays. Easter is coming and I'm dreading it. I coordinate most of the holidays or more or less or lead my family getting together around holidays.  Easter is way less problematic than Thanksgiving and Christmas. I feel horrible, but I lie to my father and tell him I am unavailable on holidays like Easter more than not. I spend the day with my Mom who divorced him after 30 years of marriage (and 16 years ago) pretty much due to his mental health issues. It's hard on everyone, but I feel bad leaving him out and mostly for lying/ not being authentic. Advice or thoughts? Of course there is more back story, but haven't been on this site for a few years and want to start out short and sweet  

[HappyChappy]

Hey Lynnmaryk,

Holidays are a very triggering time for many on here, probably because we remember family holidays more than just run of the mill days. I wouldn’t feel bad about white lies, if they help you and your father. The other options are worse. Could you go away during the holiday, so there is nothing triggering your memory ? Or just keep yourself super active ?

[kitsch]

Yes, I could leave town. I'm trying my best to do things I like and my mother is alot of fun and relaxing. Both my parents are in the same city. My dad has a hold on all holidays in which he literally cries or/and sends emails about his sadness if his children/all of us don't call him the day of, celebrate it or wow, if he found out we celebrated without him with my mom it would harmful to my dad I think and so tiring for me.  My dad has never moved past how we had holidays as a family, like when I was 5 (I'm in my 40's now) and he may be even trying to keep up his own childhood memories which pretty much creeps me out. I've tried so many things over the years from telling the truth, to avoiding holidays, to trying to coordinate with all, split up the day etc... .In the end I have negative feelings because I feel like I can't have a positive outcome. I know holidays are so triggering for so many and I wonder if others out there have found some peace, way to cope or logical way to deal?

[Furbaby Mom]

Hello Lynnmaryk,
I am in a slightly similar situation, although it is my in-laws.  My husband's parents divorced 4 times... .yes, from each other.  Needless to say, my husband's childhood was filled with drama and very intense emotions.  My husband spent most of his time at military school or away with friends to avoid being in the drama.  At this point in time, both of his parents are remarried.  His dad has been remarried now for 11 years and his mom is coming up on her 3 year anniversary in October. 

We both have suspicions that there are BPD traits on his Mom's side.  I have often discussed my husband's two sisters who one has been diagnosed BPD and the other shows a lot of traits in combination with narcissism.  His BPD sister is his full sibling so she shares the same mom and dad.  The other sister is only half and her father is not in the picture. 

I do not know the situation really before I came into the picture 4 years ago.  When I came into the picture, my husband expressed a lot of hesitation to go to his mom's for holidays.  At the time it was framed because she has a small apartment.  I sense it was that and that she was dating a new guy who to be honest was a little over the top.  My first Christmas with his family was incredibly awkward.  Background: they also live in the same town about 10 min from each other.  We first went to his Mom's after being invited for dinner.  We got there and she changed the plans asking us to go out to dinner instead.  I believe it was because she heard we (including both of his sisters) were going to his dad's after.  We declined the dinner invitation because we did commit to being at his dad's at a certain time.  So we start playing this game his mom set up with numbers and presents.  It became very clear that she did not have any gifts for me.  I knew I was just a girlfriend at the time and that I was new, but this game went on for about two hours.  Two hours of watching everyone open gifts.  I felt so uncomfortable, until I finally got one gift which was chapstick.  I felt really hurt, although I did not expect anything truly, it was more the air about everything.
We left and took his sisters which I knew hurt his mom.  His dad and step mom have gone above and beyond every time to make me feel welcomed and wanted. 
As the years have gone by, we have wanted to spend less and less time with his mom.  I know it's his mom and I do feel bad, but the situations we have been in are a. not fun and b. most of the time insulting or uncomfortable.  We have at times agreed to going to his dad's for a graduation party, then she will throw a party the exact same day and try changing the time several times to get us to commit to her over him.  Many times it feels like we are being set up for an awkward experience. 

We have tried to make holiday gatherings with her on a different day because juggling her quick changing plans with his dad's plans and my family's plans is too much for us.  She has made demands, sent very long texts about how disappointed she is, etc.  What I have found to work is that we set up outings with them that we create.  She was very hurt we did not come to thanksgiving at her house (even though she didn't invite us nor ask us where we were going, but I am thinking its because she knew we were at my family this year).  so we offered to take her and her husband out to dinner near us.  Yes, we spend more money that way, but I feel more in control. 

I have noticed that she is better one on one anyway then in big groups.  We now have agreed to see each other the day after Christmas in order to exchange gifts.  So far, that is okay with her.  I have to protect myself from the passive aggressiveness that can transpire with that side of the family and this, right now, is my best plan. 

Hope this helps!