What Is It About a BPD RS That Opens a Core Childhood Wound?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have some ideas after being through it but would like to understand this better. Thoughts?

[Duped 1]

I have some ideas after being through it but would like to understand this better. Thoughts?

[Insom]

Hi, Duped 1!   

This sounds like a potentially great topic for this board.  Would you like to say more about what you've experienced to get us started?

[Learning2Thrive]

Well, if you think back to some of the worst interactions with your BPD-X, ask yourself if it triggered any familiar feelings. If so, who did it remind you of (when you were a child).

I’ve read we repeat interactions and relationships that are familiar. Some learn and grow by doing the hard work on themselves. Others don’t and continue to repeat the cycle over and over and over... .same play, same roles.

[Jeffree]

I don't think this is particular to only BPD RSs.

We almost always choose to be with a person who offers us a version of love from our childhood. This is almost as inevitable as the language we speak.

J

[MeandThee29]

I grew up with a narcissistic mother. I now know from therapy that although I thought I was over that, I married someone with the same tendencies. He was formally diagnosed as a borderline with narcissistic tendencies almost a year ago following a suicide attempt after 24 1/2 years of marriage.

Over the years he tried to control me more and more, just like my mother. In the early years of our marriage, I wanted that because I was so starved for affection, but then it started bothering me. He wanted me to be the utter center of my focus with no distractions. I couldn't spend time with friends, and he resented any one-on-one with our two children. Needless to say, that was an impossible task that he says I failed miserably at.

And each time I got a rant about what I horrible wife I was, I heard my mother saying what a horrible daughter I was. When I started applying for full-time work in the fall, I realized more about how beaten down I was. It was tough to imagine myself being at all a worthy candidate.

I'm better now, but it's been an uphill battle to feel like a worthy human being. Thankfully I have wonderful friends, a good counsellor, and have had some positive job interviews.

[Duped 1]

I don't think this is particular to only BPD RSs.

We almost always choose to be with a person who offers us a version of love from our childhood. This is almost as inevitable as the language we speak.

J

I don't see this the same in my situation at all. I have had a fair number of relationships. This one was completely different than all of them and much harder than even my divorce to get over (and I am still not there all the way). There was something different and more damaging about this RS and I'm trying to understand why it was so devastating to lose someone that treated me like crap and think's its ok to treat all of her partners like crap.

[heartandwhole]

Great topic, Duped 1,

This one was completely different than all of them and much harder than even my divorce to get over. 

I felt similarly, in that it was harder to detach than previous relationships, and afterward I felt much more unbalanced in my emotions.

What are your ideas about why this was so different for you?

heartandwhole

[Duped 1]

Great topic, Duped 1,

I felt similarly, in that it was harder to detach than previous relationships, and afterward I felt much more unbalanced in my emotions.

What are your ideas about why this was so different for you?

heartandwhole

The intensity of the connection is something I have never in my life felt before. The complete acceptance of everything about me during idolization. And then the complete lack of integrity and betrayal after being abused and tore down for months.

[Jeffree]

The intensity of the connection is something I have never in my life felt before. The complete acceptance of everything about me during idolization. And then the complete lack of integrity and betrayal after being abused and tore down for months.

Yup! Unfortunately, that about sums it up for me, too.

That being said, I don't know what wound from childhood or adulthood wouldn't get opened after connecting to someone in such a deeply positive way, then having it all go awry in fairly short horrible order.

It starts off so perfectly, then it turns into a nightmare. It just leaves one so empty and raw questioning everything about life itself and who we are.

J

[Skip]

The intensity of the connection is something I have never in my life felt before. The complete acceptance of everything about me during idolization. And then the complete lack of integrity and betrayal after being abused and tore down for months.

The idea behind the "core wound" is that you have been carrying around a deep shame or inadequacy (sometimes associated with narcissistic traits) that is exposed by the intense highs and following low of the "BPD" relationship.

The point being that even when this relationships ends, you still have that core wound o trace down and mend.

[Moselle]

The intensity of the connection is something I have never in my life felt before. The complete acceptance of everything about me during idolization. And then the complete lack of integrity and betrayal after being abused and tore down for months.

I believe the "wound" is a poorly framed sense of self. In my case this is from a narcissistic mother. I "learned" from her that I was never good enough.

When happy Miss Borderline came along to fill that gap. She made me feel like my best self. Hung on every word I said etc. For the first time I did feel enough. This person seemed to bring out the best in me.

Then of course the Borderline devalues and discards leaving further evidence that my belief was right - unlovable/ not enough

This is unbelievably painful news!

But... .what if this isnt true. What if it is only the mistaken belief of a child (me) living with an unstable mother. It was of course reinforced by my ex-wife. But if that belief is false then I can change It. The power sits with me, not Narc mother or BPD-ex

Should we believe the confused opinions of someone with a serious mental illness?

Oops sorry skip. Sounds similar

[MeandThee29]

The idea behind the "core wound" is that you have been carrying around a deep shame or inadequacy (sometimes associated with narcissistic traits) that is exposed by the intense and following low of the "BPD" relationship.

The point being that even when this relationships ends, you still have that core wound o trace down and mend.

Exactly. It's been really tough working through that. Here I am with several friends who have retired and/or are empty nesters, and I'm working on childhood wounds and job hunting and moving into a rental for the first time in 25 years. It's pretty interesting.

[CautiousHope]

I think, in my case, it was two-fold. My r/s is not over, so I'm not sure if I'm allowed to/supposed to post here, but this question got me thinking and I wanted to contribute.

I grew up with an emotionally unavailable and invalidating father and an abusive mother with a lot of narcissistic traits (if not full blown NPD) and went on as a teen to date guys who were similar and tended to be very narcissistic and emotionally/verbally abusive and or neglectful. So, when I met my pwBPD the lovebombing set off a lot of alarm bells for me. I have been raised up on a pedestal enough times to know how painful it is when they rip it out from under you, so I was very anxious right off the bat. I have done a lot of healing and grown a great deal through 20 years of therapy and self improvement, so I actually found that easy to reflect on and recognize right from the start. I was thrown off because I had never met someone who idealized in such an authentic way and with such sincerity. It was different and he seemed so different - vulnerable and sensitive, so I thought I was being overly cautious based on my past trauma.

In the other way, the most profound way (for me), I recognized so much of his pain as my own. I think that because he and I both harbor a lot of toxic shame and a core sense of worthlessness, it was not something I was used to seeing in another person. When I have said to people in the past "I have low self esteem" or whatever in that vein, most people will reply "sure, everyone feels that way sometimes." But, for me, it never felt the same, because I don't really just have "low self esteem," I have deeply internalized core shame and it is similar, but not the same. In him, I saw that and so it brought all of mine to the surface where it was easier for me to see and understand that part of myself. I saw him trying to fill his void with me and I realized I was trying to fill my void with him, we both were desperate to just feel good enough and looked for that approval in someone else. It's a lot easier for me to see where I need to nurture my wounds by seeing them in another person, it gave me a different perspective because it was so natural for me to want to be compassionate and kind to him, but recognizing that all of my compassion will not heal him, he needs to do that. And I need to do it for myself, too.

[iluminati]

I'll say that pwBPD have good instincts in picking apart whatever issues you have and riding them until the wheels fall off.  I'll say that with myself, my mother is a narcissist, full stop.  I won't say everything was perfect before my ex-wife, but they were in the realm of typical mistakes.  Even being dumped for racial reasons (I'm Black, and the girlfriend in question is White) sucks, but that's more structure of society than any individual issues. 

In hindsight, my ex-wife noticed that I craves for small gestures of positive attention and rode it until the wheels fell off.  And initially, it made me happy.  Once she figured out that I'd still do my own thing, that's when the wheels, ya know, fell off.  I had to make peace with the pain from my mom to move on.  Healing is something else, but even knowing that weakness makes it easier to deal with the issues.

[JNChell]

Everyone is different, but I have to echo a post on this thread and agree with the idea that how can we not have core wounds reopened after suffering such abuse?

[Skip]

Learning is an advanced board... . 

We may have this backwards.

The idea that we carry a core wound means that we are going to react more intensely to important relationship struggles and relationship losses (over react). This part is not really on our partner. This is about is. Its still in us. They are gone.  We are still caring the wound and the susceptibility to be really hurt and struggle to cope. We need to know this and it's something we will be well served by healing.

People with BPD also have a core wound. It drives a lot of their behavior. It wasn't us hat drove those reactions. They could also (and do) say things like how can I not have core wounds reopened after being in a relationship with you? Just like us, their core wound traces to childhood. Unfortaunately, they often blame their core wound on others.

It's helpful that we understand the influence that each of our core wounds had on the relationship. It's important that we recognize that other people should not be expected to accommodate our core wound or for us to accommodate others core wound - they need to heal themselves and we need to heal ourselves.  And lastly, if we have a core wound, it does give us some understanding (not necessarily forgiveness) of our exs issues.

[Learning2Thrive]

“It's helpful that we understand the influence that each of our core wounds had on the relationship. It's important that we recognize that other people should not be expected to accommodate our core wound or for us to accommodate others core wound - they need to heal themselves and we need to heal ourselves.  And lastly, if we have a core wound, it does give us some understanding (not necessarily forgiveness) of our exs issues.”

Yes. Exactly this! I’m finally (FINALLY!) spending more time and energy on my own healing than questioning the abusive behaviors of “ex” and parents that  caused my core wounds. Really realizing that I am deserving of my own love, compassion and understanding... .more than spending my valuable energy trying to make sense or gain a deeper understanding of their insane behavior and abusive choices. Just because they conditioned me to believe I should carry shame does not mean that I will continue to do so. After all, I am an adult now and I can choose to be responsible for my own healing and extend compassion and kindness to myself as I learn and grow... .and accept that THEY will be who they are until they do the same for themselves.