estrangement during terminal illness

[seaside]

Has anyone dealt with the internal conflict involving saying goodbye to an abusive borderline parent when they're dying?  I'm split between listening to my inner voice, which wants to stay away and avoid the anxiety of jumping back in the emotional quicksand, and people pleasing.  My mother has 3 family members disgusted with me due to her "forced teaming", she's convinced them the latest conflict is my fault and she's the victim.  Like all borderlines she's spent a lifetime torturing me with guilt, rages, unpredictability, and a severe message that I'm the sole reason for her upset.  I grew up terrified, resentful, with my spirit completely broken by age five.  She's disowned me, adorded me, slandered me;  thus leaving me unable to hear my inner voice, because listening to it leads to disasterous consequences involving her wrath.  (If anyone's read Christine Ann Lawson's book my mom is the witch subtype).  So, even as she's dying (I feel indifference and impending relief), I'm full of fear and self doubt.  Do I protect myself as she exits, staying away (as other unhealthy family members character assassinate me), or be untrue to myself, fly 6,000 miles, hold her hand and say goodbye?  I want to be able to live with myself, yet feel anguish and justified anger with each option.
I really appreciate the opportunity to hear any insight, thank you!

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you! I have a borderline mother who lives far away from and who continues to abuse me by phone, and is at the end of her life. I too, struggle with wanting to say goodbye, and wanting to avoid her.
Whatever you do, it will probably feel not quite right, as there is no such things as a peaceful good-bye to an abusive parent. Decide what you want to do, and do not listen to any criticism from family members and friends who have no empathy for the situation you are in.
Take care and let us know how we can help you!
 

[Feeling Better]

 Hello seaside, what a dilemma for you, my heart goes out to you. It’s one of those things that only you can decide on because it is so personal to you.

You will have to live with the decision that you make, my only advice to you is to choose the option that you know that you can live with, one in which you will have no regrets. I believe that by doing this you will be putting yourself first and looking after your own well being.

I wish you well x

[Panda39]

Is there anything you could do that is a compromise?  Something in between traveling 6,000 miles and ignoring the whole thing?  Is there a middle ground?

Panda39

[seaside]

Thank you for your responses, they’re really appreciated.  I’m battling between knowing I do not want to see her (or call/text/email) because I’m hugely certain she’ll be abusive, and feeling uncourageous for avoiding a goodbye.  She has stopped speaking to me for years at a time in the past, and I’m resentful that once again I’ll have to concede, difference being this time she’ll actually pass away during the stalemate.  It feels like I can’t win;  I’m too anxiety ridden to initiate contact, yet simultaneously want to be a courageous grown up woman who peacefully looks past a lifetime of hurt and closes the circle.  I don’t feel capable of engaging with her, which is making me feel ashamed of myself and fearful the regret of inaction will haunt me for years to come.  I’m sorry I know this is complex, I vacillate between the conviction to self protect, and the ideal of being a compassionate daughter who rises above and does the seemingly right thing.  It’s self doubt plaguing either decision I make.  Thanks again everyone for your responses.

[zachira]

It sounds like you want to say good-bye as long as your mom does not get too abusive. Is there anybody you could take with you? Borderlines will often behave well in front of people that they want to impress which is often everyone except the immediate family.

[Feeling Better]

quote seaside
Thank you for your responses, they’re really appreciated.  I’m battling between knowing I do not want to see her (or call/text/email) because I’m hugely certain she’ll be abusive, and feeling uncourageous for avoiding a goodbye.  She has stopped speaking to me for years at a time in the past, and I’m resentful that once again I’ll have to concede, difference being this time she’ll actually pass away during the stalemate.  It feels like I can’t win;

Seaside, I understand how you feel resentful that you will be the one conceding, I’ve felt it with my own mother, but it’s not about winning. It’s about accepting. Accepting that she is who she is, you can’t change that and whether you go to see her or not won’t change her either. It’s not about her and it’s not about other family members. It’s about you. Do whatever you feel most comfortable with, for you, no one else.

quote
I’m too anxiety ridden to initiate contact, yet simultaneously want to be a courageous grown up woman who peacefully looks past a lifetime of hurt and closes the circle.  I don’t feel capable of engaging with her, which is making me feel ashamed of myself and fearful the regret of inaction will haunt me for years to come.

Have you seen this article, it may help you, it is about using wisemind

https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

quote
I’m sorry I know this is complex, I vacillate between the conviction to self protect, and the ideal of being a compassionate daughter who rises above and does the seemingly right thing.  It’s self doubt plaguing either decision I make.  Thanks again everyone for your responses.

Sometimes we delay making decisions in the hope that the problem will naturally be resolved. Your situation is unique in that a natural resolution will be a final one, you won’t be able to go back at a later date and revisit it. This is why I say to you choose a decision that you can live with, not just today or tomorrow but for the rest of your life, safe in the knowledge that you did what was best for you, nobody else, just you x

[Panda39]

It feels like I can’t win;  I’m too anxiety ridden to initiate contact, yet simultaneously want to be a courageous grown up woman who peacefully looks past a lifetime of hurt and closes the circle.  I don’t feel capable of engaging with her, which is making me feel ashamed of myself and fearful the regret of inaction will haunt me for years to come.  I’m sorry I know this is complex, I vacillate between the conviction to self protect, and the ideal of being a compassionate daughter who rises above and does the seemingly right thing.  It’s self doubt plaguing either decision I make.

You're in that horrible place between what you "want" to do and what you feel you "should" do.  Is the reason you feel that you should go pressure from someone outside of yourself?... .society, family, friends? Are you feeling a sense of Obligation?

What do you hope for by going? Accepting your mother is who she is, do you think it will come to pass?

Panda39

[Sunfl0wer]

I do not know what is the best choice for you but do feel like sharing my experience in case it may be useful.

When my foster mom with uBPD died I was there.  Yet, I also did not expect to get abused during that time as she was too ill and was not going to be overly demanding anyways from her hospital bed.  (What happened after her passing was devastating tho as the dynamics in that family shifted and adjusted as they all revolved around her being the ultimate oppressive matriarch.  I wish I could have avoided the aftermath.  The members of that family engaged in lots of covert abuse, emotional manipulations.)

Now my bio mom who has schizophrenia is alive, however, unfortunately, I felt it best to not continue a relationship with her.  Oddly enough, I do see my biomom as someone less capable of being responsible for her behaviors than foster mom was.  Yet, her motives are irrelevant... .the strain our visits put on me were unbearable.

So it may seem callous to some, yet, I feel my choices were loving and certainly done with great love and compassion.  And as I say that... .the love and compassion I am talking about ... .are mostly extended to me first!  Yup, I just am a believer that in order to love others, we must first love ourself... .so imo, to visit biomom in a “self sacrificing” “martyrdom” way is actually not as loving as it may appear.  It just “looks like love”, devotion, and all that other stuff folks used to compliment me about for my selfless visits to her despite the sacrifices to me and my family.

My thought process is now this... .
I try to REALLY listen to what I feel it is that I want/need.
I mean... .I sit and think to myself... .
If I was not worried about what the rest of the family thinks... .
If I was not worried about what society thinks... .
If my behavior was happening in a vacuum then... .
What is it I would actually prefer to do?

I start from that.
I start from identifying what it is I want and need first.
And strip away anything else that is pulling me in any direction.

Then I really sit with my truth of what I want and I think about if there is anything else I want to consider... .
Maybe I do not want to see my mom as she dies.
But maybe I do want to attend a funeral to support a sibling or such.
So I then add in factors besides what I want and weigh them fairly.
But I only do this AFTER I first identify what I truely want.
It means that all while I am deciding what to do, that I am maintaining what I want as a priority even as I am adding those other factors to my equation.

So for example, my desire to not get abused is often a deal breaker for me.  Often if I feel I am going to be mistreated then I will decide that any factors competing with that... .simply aren’t going to be considered.

However, in the case of when my sister dies... (if she dies before me) I may feel subject to abuse but may compromise that one time as I will certainly want to be there for my nieces because I do also want that too.  So I know I will need to set boundaries on how I will participate in things while also being mindful to keep myself feeling ok, protected.  So maybe I will go to the hospital and visit only when others are also visiting, just not one-one.

Just making up fake examples now.
Hopefully you get my point as it is tricky to articulate.
Anyway, I feel for this position and hope you find a way to inner peace with this.

[JulesC]

Seaside

What a painful situation. My heart goes out to you. I encourage you to put you first, in whatever ways you can.  It seems to me that everything you've written is the entirely natural and normal result of the confusion that comes from having a BPD mother. Trusting yourself and therefore finding your own clarity is a core part of the wounding that's resulted from being raised by her. And in the face of your mothers death, a massive event for you, this might not be possible.

Can you do a visualisation where you stay right where you are, safe and protected in your own home, and connect with your mother in spirit and say what you need to say/say good bye to her?

And then see how you feel after that?

Just a thought. Sending love to you  

[hope2727]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I can't tell you what to do. I can only share this.

My dad had a personality disorder (diagnosed). I ended contact years ago. My sister would give him my number ever time I moved. He would call and call and call. I never picked up. Then he died suddenly. I didn't feel guilty or sad or really anything at all. I did decide to go to the funeral. It was a gong show but thats another story. My siblings are their own level of dysfunctional madness.

One of the sisters (probably undiagnosed BPD) is now seriously ill. She has a very aggressive cancer. She has travelled about 1000 miles to have treatment a top facility that happens to be 5 minutes from my house. I choose NOT to reach out and offer her a place to stay.

Over the years she has stayed with me on multiple occasions for various reasons and it is always so stressful. She judges and criticizes and snoops through my stuff and is basically a total boundary buster. Eventually she ends up raging at me for one thing or another and we don't speak for a period of time. So this time I just didn't even consider it.

She has reached out tentatively a couple of times in her usual fashion of acting like the rages and triangulating and lying she has done in the past didn't occur. Well this time I am done. I am taking care of me first now.

 I am sorry she is sick. I am sorry she is suffering. I am sorry she is likely to eventually die of this cancer. I am not sorry for my decision. It takes to long to heal from the harm she does.

I love my family. I love my siblings. I even loved my dad. But I love me more. I am taking care of me first now because no one else will.

So I give you permission to take care of you now. To put yourself first. Whatever that means for you. If you want contact take it. If you don't don't. Decide what is best for you and do that. You are the one who has to be your best healthiest self in the end.