Blowup Tonight

[One^Love]

Hello, I am looking for something although I do not know what it is. My wife and I have been together for 6 years now. We have a daughter and she has been on medication for the last few years off and on. This past weekend we traveled and we were not able to get her medication before leaving. There was a small fight after she came in late from seeing a friend, followed by an almost immediate recovery on her side.

Tonight seemed pretty easy. I planned to get her meds tomorrow. I picked her up at my mother's house. My mother mentioned she said we were doing good lately. We went shopping. She grabbed alcohol, some popcorn, and other snacks. I told her while checking out to put them at the back because we may not have enough. I walked away to get a cheaper can of biscuits and when I got back the total was $20 over what we had, which she knew. I told her that stuff had to be taken back, she got upset and asked for the keys. I said no, go wait outside if you want to get upset. She did. I paid and went to the car. It had started raining and she decided not to help me put groceries in the car after I asked her to.

On the way back she made several rude comments and said I didn't know why she was even upset. I stated oh I know why you are(insinuating it was her BPD).

I asked her if she wanted to walk home, she said yes and hit her fist again my window after I left her out and started to drive off.

I got home, and started putting our daughter to bed. Near finished I heard a window break. She had hit it with something. I went outside and told her to leave and go for a walk. I told her I did not want her there with our daughter if she was going to act like this. She got belligerent and I restated what I said. She said it give her her stuff, that I was keeping it and it wasn't hers. She was either talking about the weed I had brought inside from the garage or her backpack. I told her if she did not leave I would call the cops. I finally went to my car and asked her where her phone was to get for her. She said she wanted her whole bag. I didn't want her to have keys to get inside while she was like that. She jumped on me, scratched at my face, and bit into my back. I pushed her off, threw her bag down at her, and told her to get away from the house. She left.

Later that night I realized she had come back after I thought she had been out walking for hours. She was in bed and I came back there and confronted her. Her story was quite a bit different than what I remembered, mostly pointing out what I had done and some things I had not done. The conversation got heated and she said multiple times that she hated me, wanted this over, and other horrible things. Mid conversation I remembered CCC, I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't change it and led towards ending the fight.

At this point I am just looking to grasp, where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? It's only been about 2 years since I started realizing how serious this was and I am still learning how to handle myself. Please advise.

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi One^Love,

Welcome

I'm sorry that a perfectly normal day turned into such a disaster. I know how frustrating that can be. It just leaves you confused and wondering "What just happened?"

Does you W often get violent when she gets angry? Is she still at home?

Being off medication can make a huge difference in someone's behavior. About a year ago I began to wean myself off of Effexor and for 2 weeks after I made a step down in dosage I became an emotional mess-sudden anger, yelling, crying, almost panic attack like emotions. I felt dizzy and sick to my stomach all the time. I got these little brain zaps that made me feel weird. I can imagine not having medication for more than 2 days is intensifying her already intense emotions even more.

  She grabbed alcohol, some popcorn, and other snacks. I told her while checking out to put them at the back because we may not have enough. I walked away to get a cheaper can of biscuits and when I got back the total was $20 over what we had, which she knew. I told her that stuff had to be taken back, she got upset and asked for the keys. I said no, go wait outside if you want to get upset.

I think this is where things started to go wrong. Your W may know that the spending could not go over budget, but was she able to understand that? She had her mind set on getting some extra snacks. When she was told she couldn't get it, she may have felt rejected and shameful that she had overspent or that she had to put things back. She may have even felt like a child being punished. Understanding reality can at times be difficult for someone with BPD because for them feelings=facts. Us nons often try to deal with the facts, but in reality, working through the emotions the pwBPD is feeling first can help us get to dealing with facts. If we skip the feelings step, then it ends in blow ups.

Being more empathetic towards our pwBPD can go a long way. Try practicing here. Would you write out a way that you could tell her in a more empathetic way that the extra food is over budget, taking into account her feelings?

[ArleighBurke]

On the way back she made several rude comments and said I didn't know why she was even upset. I stated oh I know why you are(insinuating it was her BPD).

This is also quite invalidating / non-supportive. If she FEELS, then she probably wants to talk about what she feels. Have you read about Validation - I think it would help a lot.

[One^Love]

This is also quite invalidating / non-supportive. If she FEELS, then she probably wants to talk about what she feels. Have you read about Validation - I think it would help a lot.

I understand that now. I have not read about it. Is there a good post here that I can read or an article?

[ArleighBurke]

Validation lessons:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0

Validation Examples:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124001.0

The BIG book of lessons:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

Validation really is listening to how she FEELS, and empathising with it. To make it work, you need to IGNORE the REASON she feels bad, and just focus on the feeling.

So even if you completely disagree with the CAUSE of her emotion, that doesn't matter. She currently feels X - so you need to talk about that. For examply she MAY have decided/felt that you not buying her stuff made her feel unloved. Throw away the logic! Don't question that. Instead, focus on the feeling. Sometimes it helps by saying "*If* I felt like my mother didn't love me that would... ."