Living with False Guilt

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, my sister has moved to our state to be near me. She is so needy not only mentally but physically as well. I feel like moving away so I can be somewhat removed from the craziness she brought with her. I struggle with loving her like I believe I should - deeply from the heart. I help her all the time (which is never enough in her eyes) and am currently helping her move to an apartment (I couldn't live with her - when she first came to live near us we had her as a house guest for a couple of months. We moved her to temp housing, which was expensive, just to get her out of our house). One of the hardest things for me to wrap my brain around is how she thinks! She is never wrong, she projects what she does on others and resorts to lies to facilitate that. I feel guilty when I hold her accountable! How do I wrap my brain around this and stay sane myself through this journey.

[CainandAble]

Hi, my sister has moved to our state to be near me. She is so needy not only mentally but physically as well. I feel like moving away so I can be somewhat removed from the craziness she brought with her. I struggle with loving her like I believe I should - deeply from the heart. I help her all the time (which is never enough in her eyes) and am currently helping her move to an apartment (I couldn't live with her - when she first came to live near us we had her as a house guest for a couple of months. We moved her to temp housing, which was expensive, just to get her out of our house). One of the hardest things for me to wrap my brain around is how she thinks! She is never wrong, she projects what she does on others and resorts to lies to facilitate that. I feel guilty when I hold her accountable! How do I wrap my brain around this and stay sane myself through this journey.

[bluek9]

CainandAble, welcome,
      Is your sister BPD? Is that how you found this board? If so then you are in the right place to find support. I myself have siblings with mental health issues also my daughter is BPD. It hurts my heart to hear you talk about struggling to love her with your whole heart. As family members or parents we all have a very time with this, we want so much to love the people we know who suffer with BPD but it can be more than challenging at times.
      The statement about your helping never being enough, I've said that a million times! It use to dumb found me how I could give ALL and it was never enough, the more you give the more they take. You certainly have made another true statement with trying to wrap your brain around how she thinks. Stop, it will never come sadly. My daughter is 35 and I had to let go of that question so many years ago. Take a pause, breath, then learn about how you can change. I know, I know that sounds wrong but, that's how you can help yourself and her at the same time. Spend a little time looking around the board, read some of the lessons, maybe get a book. What you learn about the thoughts that live in her head will surprise you. BPD's suffer terribly. I'm not saying feel sorry, but learn some new ways of interacting with her. You will be pleasantly surprised how using S.E.T. will change the dialog. By the way you read about S.E.T. at the right.
      How to stay sane? Well I come here, hope you will come back too.

[Nancabell]

Boy do I relate to you! I also let my BPD sister move in with my husband and I for a short period of time, it was a disaster! My daughters and friends can't stand to be around her. She is ALWAYS right, she is mean, loud, pushy, demanding, she sucks all of the air right out of the room. Her energy is so intense it makes you feel nervous, you never know what she will do or say, or what might set her off. Nothing is EVER her fault, you can not do enough for her, and you can never give her enough, she feels very entitled and  thinks she is much smarter then most people. Yet, I feel sad... .even though I have been attacked by her my entire life, I know her life must really not be good, she denies she has any real problems, and if she does admit she behaved in an angry or unacceptable way it wasn't HER fault, someone (usually me) made her that mad. Wishing you the best, lets hope we can both survive, or better yet thrive in spite of the sister with BPD in our life. The best thing I have done is find a good counselor for myself.

[CainandAble]

Hi, Thank y'all so much for your helpful and kind responses and for taking the time to reply!

[bluek9]

CainandAble, hi, just wanted to check in with you, see how all is going. Keep posting and sharing, venting here is a great way to get all the negative feelings out. Besides there is no judgment here, we all understand those feelings. Take care

[Pilpel]

One of the hardest things for me to wrap my brain around is how she thinks! She is never wrong, she projects what she does on others and resorts to lies to facilitate that. I feel guilty when I hold her accountable! How do I wrap my brain around this and stay sane myself through this journey.

I am dealing with a SIL and I've been struggling with the same problem.  Before I could really grasp what I was dealing with, I remember describing it like I was dealing with a compulsive liar. If we don't go along with her lie or play the part she wants us to play, she can be explosive.  When she's explosive, she projects the ugliness on to others and she assumes the role of victim.  She can even have moments of candor, where she admits to feeling a sense of pleasure from raging or admits to acting out on her resentments.   But she still doesn't seem to put the basic pieces together and see how she is the offender and is hurting other people.  You need to be capable of empathizing with others, and be able to see yourself from another person's eyes.  And she can't empathize with someone else without some pretty intense prodding.  And even then ... .