Adult sister

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have a difficult relationship with my sister who is 55 years old.  She was never diagnosed with BPD but exhibits the same traits.  Absolutely wonderful for periods of time and in a second changes.  I am primarily the target of her outbursts (and subliminaly my husband and 26 year old son). The eggshells are always there.  I have joined this group because very few see her the way I see her. She will put on a fabulous show.

[Statenr6]

I have a difficult relationship with my sister who is 55 years old.  She was never diagnosed with BPD but exhibits the same traits.  Absolutely wonderful for periods of time and in a second changes.  I am primarily the target of her outbursts (and subliminaly my husband and 26 year old son). The eggshells are always there.  I have joined this group because very few see her the way I see her. She will put on a fabulous show.

[Harri]

Hi Statenr6 and welcome to the boards!  You will find a lot of people here who can relate to your situation and understand what you are experiencing.  There are several people currently posting on this board who have a sibling with either diagnosed or suspected BPD so you are definitely not alone, plus you have all of us who have parents with the same.  We all get it.

I am going to link a thread here that was started for people dealing with siblings so you can more easily read about others in your situation:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321374.0

So what is your greatest issue with your sister?  Does she live close by to you?

it is hard being a target.  There are several tools offered on this site that can help you protect yourself, respond in ways that do not make things worse when she is dysregulating or help you to understand what is going on just so you can depersonalize her behaviors.  Would you be interested in reading about these tools?  If so I can provide you with links.  If not, no worries.  We can still chat and talk things out.

Again, welcome.

[zachira]

It is so hard to have a sister who is nice to you in public, and behind the scenes can be quite cruel to you at times, yet there are periods when she is really nice to you. It is your sister, and you would like to have a better relationship with her, and you are wondering if that is possible. I come from a family full of people who idolize certain family members no matter what they do, and scapegoat other members no matter how much they do for others. For me, the key has been to express my hurt and dismay for all the undeserved bad treatment to people I can trust, including those on this Board, and to set better boundaries with those who scapegoat family members. As time goes on, I am taking the bad treatment less personally, and it will always hurt to some degree when a family member hurts you, as these are the people who are supposed to love and support you no matter what. There are many people on this Board who have family members who treat them badly for no apparent reason, yet at times are actually nice to them. I have found this Board a great place to get support, and am learning  ways to deal with so much unfair treatment by family members. Let us know what is helpful, what does not help, and post anytime you need someone to understand and listen to how difficult all of this is for you. Take care!

[Statenr6]

Thank you so much. My sister does live in another state although we do talk many times on the phone throughout the week.  Many times I let my guard down because things were actually very pleasant and the kindness did last a long time.  But boy did I pay for it when she was in her mode.  Twisting the reality of situations, playing her passive aggressive games, etc.  I am looking forward to communicating with other people who really understand as I very often feel very alone dealing with this. 

[Sunfl0wer]

My older sister also has BPD.  Sometimes there is simply no reasoning with her.(However, I currently have no contact with her at all). I have learned some awesome coping tools here... .such as info on boundaries, and staying out of the drama triangles.
Anyways... .just joining in saying welcome.

[My New Normal]

Thank you so much. My sister does live in another state although we do talk many times on the phone throughout the week.  Many times I let my guard down because things were actually very pleasant and the kindness did last a long time.  But boy did I pay for it when she was in her mode.  Twisting the reality of situations, playing her passive aggressive games, etc.  I am looking forward to communicating with other people who really understand as I very often feel very alone dealing with this. 

This is exactly what my sister does. She seems different and I let her in. Then she uses what I tell her against me when she flips and goes into attack mode. The last thing I said to her (via text) was thank you for reminding me never to share things with you because you always use them against me later. Her response wasn't what I had hoped and we are currently not speaking. But I still hope maybe those words were actually heard... .(a girl can dream can't she?).

[YouHadMeAtHello]

Hi Statenr6!

I also know how you feel.  My sister and I were very close in our 20s and I saw her almost every week.  But, she's slowly changed over the last 15ish years and I can no longer handle her.  But, like your sister, she will be great for periods of time.  It used to be she'd have her breakdown/outburst/whatever and then it would be months before anything happened again.  Now though, we're lucky to go even a few days between outbursts.  Yet, even knowing that, I get sucked in when she's acting like the sister I used to know.  It's very hard to stay strong, especially because of course I'd love to have the sister I remember back.  When she's acting normal I really want to believe it's real.