I Have a Court Date for Interim

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is kind of a rant, and I am emotionally wrung out.

This morning I am wishing I'd never met my STBX. This morning I am feeling like he took eleven good years of my life. This morning I am feeling like he didn't deserve me, that I gave way more emotionally than he did, that I loved him.

This morning I feel sad. I am grieving what I never really truly had. A relationship.

He and I are writers. And I fell in love with him from emails he sent me. When he and I were still "good," and I was helping him organize his papers, I came across (he throws away NOTHING) documents he'd sent to an editing firm. They were the emails he'd written me. So even those--words I thought he'd written weren't really his.

I can't quite get my head around what happened here. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back. I am grappling this morning with just how badly I was hurt by this man. Right before he left in August, I was terrified of him. Yes, terrified.

I was out one morning taking out the trash, and a car went by and slowed, then passed me by and returned. I was certain that my STBX had hired someone to hurt or kill me. My fears weren't alleviated when the car then went slowly down another road from which you can see my house. (I was standing way back in the garage by then, hiding.)

A little after that, my STBX took me on a "date." He hired an Uber. The Uber driver took a different route to where we were going, and my heart started to race, certain that my STBX had hired this driver to kill me.

The point here is not whether my STBX did hire or ever would hire someone to hurt me. The point is that I ever worried that he would.

This is no way to live--thinking your spouse would hire someone to kill you.

This fear, this terror was occurring even before I found that video where he called me an 'effin C-word' and that he would get me.

In a way I was right to be terrified.

I have only shared this with my T and now here on these boards.

I don't know who he was, who he is.

And yesterday I was notified that we finally have a hearing to determine interim support. October was the last time I received money from him. I have been living on savings, credit cards, loans from friends, Social Security, and food stamps.

My savings is now gone, and my credit card is maxed out.

I fundamentally don't understand how anyone, least of all the people who were supposed to be my family, who were supposed to love me, could decide to give me nothing. These are not people with limited resources. To be treated this way feels vindictive, hurtful.

And, so, no I don't want to be married to this man. I'm not sure I want to "start over," but I want out, and I want out now.

Instead, I am waiting for a hearing, which is a few months out. On my anniversary. Isn't that ironic? The first time I go to court regarding this divorce will be on my anniversary.

I'm in pain. And I know this will pass, and I recognize that the pain I'm feeling isn't anywhere near what I felt when I was served the divorce papers, but still... .

And now, because this is who I am, I will acknowledge that the people in my life--my friends and my sisters--have been really supportive, and I'd be in much worse shape without them. Still, I'm hurt. I'm confused, and I wish I'd never met the man. Ever.

TMD

[toomanydogs]

This is kind of a rant, and I am emotionally wrung out.

This morning I am wishing I'd never met my STBX. This morning I am feeling like he took eleven good years of my life. This morning I am feeling like he didn't deserve me, that I gave way more emotionally than he did, that I loved him.

This morning I feel sad. I am grieving what I never really truly had. A relationship.

He and I are writers. And I fell in love with him from emails he sent me. When he and I were still "good," and I was helping him organize his papers, I came across (he throws away NOTHING) documents he'd sent to an editing firm. They were the emails he'd written me. So even those--words I thought he'd written weren't really his.

I can't quite get my head around what happened here. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back. I am grappling this morning with just how badly I was hurt by this man. Right before he left in August, I was terrified of him. Yes, terrified.

I was out one morning taking out the trash, and a car went by and slowed, then passed me by and returned. I was certain that my STBX had hired someone to hurt or kill me. My fears weren't alleviated when the car then went slowly down another road from which you can see my house. (I was standing way back in the garage by then, hiding.)

A little after that, my STBX took me on a "date." He hired an Uber. The Uber driver took a different route to where we were going, and my heart started to race, certain that my STBX had hired this driver to kill me.

The point here is not whether my STBX did hire or ever would hire someone to hurt me. The point is that I ever worried that he would.

This is no way to live--thinking your spouse would hire someone to kill you.

This fear, this terror was occurring even before I found that video where he called me an 'effin C-word' and that he would get me.

In a way I was right to be terrified.

I have only shared this with my T and now here on these boards.

I don't know who he was, who he is.

And yesterday I was notified that we finally have a hearing to determine interim support. October was the last time I received money from him. I have been living on savings, credit cards, loans from friends, Social Security, and food stamps.

My savings is now gone, and my credit card is maxed out.

I fundamentally don't understand how anyone, least of all the people who were supposed to be my family, who were supposed to love me, could decide to give me nothing. These are not people with limited resources. To be treated this way feels vindictive, hurtful.

And, so, no I don't want to be married to this man. I'm not sure I want to "start over," but I want out, and I want out now.

Instead, I am waiting for a hearing, which is a few months out. On my anniversary. Isn't that ironic? The first time I go to court regarding this divorce will be on my anniversary.

I'm in pain. And I know this will pass, and I recognize that the pain I'm feeling isn't anywhere near what I felt when I was served the divorce papers, but still... .

And now, because this is who I am, I will acknowledge that the people in my life--my friends and my sisters--have been really supportive, and I'd be in much worse shape without them. Still, I'm hurt. I'm confused, and I wish I'd never met the man. Ever.

TMD

[formflier]

   

What does your L think will get accomplished at that hearing?

Do you think that you will be able to "replenish" what has been spent so far?  Or just keep it from getting worse as you wait for the final?

Hang in there.

What's new with all those critters you have?

FF

[Jeffree]

I fundamentally don't understand how anyone, least of all the people who were supposed to be my family, who were supposed to love me, could decide to give me nothing. These are not people with limited resources. To be treated this way feels vindictive, hurtful.

I have never been able to wrap my head around this, but it does seem to be the crux of the matter... .the betrayal, the callous elimination of us from their life.

Where once they seemed to see us as we were, and maybe even a little more romanticized than we really are, and treat us accordingly, something seems to shift inside them and then they assize us and then the devaluing begins.

I get that at some point it seems as though our loving presence in their life becomes something of a peril in that it presses up against their intimacy issues. This seems to trigger their flight or fight response, which almost always seems to turn into flight from us due to their huge fear of abandonment.

Maybe in the end they feel that if they can't be with us, then they will turn us so black that even they don't want to be with us, and when that doesn't do the trick they try to make it so that nobody will want to be with us and we don't want to be with anyone else?

J

[toomanydogs]

 

What does your L think will get accomplished at that hearing?

Do you think that you will be able to "replenish" what has been spent so far?  Or just keep it from getting worse as you wait for the final?

Hang in there.

What's new with all those critters you have?

FF

Hey FF,
 I talked with my L today. It was a good conversation. The hearing is to decide how much I should be getting on a monthly until the divorce settles.
 She is still planning on working up a settlement offer; however, she is focusing on the hearing right now since we have an actual court date. She thinks (and I thought this before she even said anything) that there won't be a hearing that my STBX will decide on an amount and avoid going to court.
 She also thinks this could wrap up in 2 to 3 months. I am hopeful. One of the things we discussed was that the trust, which owns the house, wants all the bills (utilities, etc) to be put in its name, and I was asked to facilitate that. However, there is a possibility that I could end up with the house, and if we change the name on all those bills, and I end up with the house it's ridiculous to change the name now. What I told my L is that the trust could wait until it settles and see who's getting what. So that is what she'll suggest. She and I seem to be on the same page, which fills me with a great deal of confidence.
  I'm requesting that the interim be backdated to the time I was cut off from any money. I've had to borrow money, run up my credit card, and I need to have those debts taken care of.
 The critters are doing great, and I have company from out of state. It's been really fun. We all took a walk and one of my dogs fell into the river by where I live. I couldn't pull the dog out, so my company did. Now everyone's covered in mud. 
  Today has been a good day.
TMD

[ForeverDad]

I'm requesting that the interim be backdated to the time I was cut off from any money. I've had to borrow money, run up my credit card, and I need to have those debts taken care of.

Good descriptive words.  When you don't know how things will turn out, and even if you do, it is usually best to characterize any money you receive from others as "loans".  If you call them gifts then if the ex objects or the court ends up deciding it could decline to have those portions reimbursed.