BPD, infidelity, and trauma

[Ghost6306]

My family has seen a serious series of traumas recently which I am struggling with. First it is important to note that we are in fairly dire economic straights, therapy options are limited for us as a result so try to keep that in mind... .Anyway a few days ago my wife had an affair with my best friend (and the man who was dating her sister) her sister discovered the affair but in spite of this I was not informed. When her sister confronted my friend he took a knife to his own throat and cut deep trying to kill himself. He survived  (barely) but the police thought it was me who had hurt him (this is how I found out about the affair) and questioned me as though I were somehow capable of this (I'm not) until he woke up and cleared my name. I had been the one trying to save him holding my shirt over his throat until EMTs could arrive so i was covered in his blood when they got there, and now I just can't handle any of it. I see his bleeding throat in my dreams, I hear the voices of the officers calling me a murderer in my head, I look at my wife and I want to be cruel to her... .

My wife has BPD and Reactive Attachment Disorder and though she is trying her best to deal with this stuff I have not had the ability to address the trauma of my friends near death let alone her act of betrayal. I'm proud to say I've never put my hands on her in an abusive way (and never will) but boy do I want to. I think I might hate her now, though I somehow also still love her... .

I feel like I'm dying. Please help me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

You are in the right place!

You found us, that is a very important step.

There are caring, wise, informative people here who will share life giving words with you.

Learn here, share here.  Be not disheartened.

This is the first day of a new future.

You can learn the things here about BPD, you can be comforted. 

It looks like you are in crisis.

Keep sharing, keep on.

Things get better here.  Sometimes slowly, sometimes faster.

Hang on

j

[Mutt]

Ghost6306,



Id like to join juju2 and welcome you to bpdfamily. Wow I’m sorry to hear that you went through this terrible experience  We’re here for you you’re not alone. Have you talked to an MD about your dreams? Have you heard of fight or flight response? Sometimes when we experience a lot of stress flight or flight response feeling can make us feel like we wa t to run away or we want hit or defend ourselves. It could be that is what you’re feeling, we’re not doctors and can’t diagnose but I urge to talk to someone like an MD and T ( Therapist )

[Turkish]

That's dramatic to say the least  

No one should ever have to go through that,  but I'm glad you were exonerated. You saved his life.  :)espite the betrayal,  you should be proud of that.  Seriously,  that's above and beyond.  You're a hero in my book.  Seriously. 

How are you doing now?

[SunandMoon]

Wow - that's a terrible situation Ghost! I'm really sorry... .You must be so shocked right now.

If the sister and others involved are reasonable, it might help to join with them in addressing this mess with your wife. How do you feel about her now? Or is it too early to even think about that?

I urge you to see a doctor and possibly seek some trauma counselling... .this is a very heavy experience to handle on your own and there's no harm in getting some support.

I'd like to second Turkish's words too. Despite the situation, you saved the man's life... .impressive! Now is time to take care of you  x

[DaddyBear77]

Ghost6306, I am so sorry that you experienced such a traumatic event.

This is not something that can be easily dismissed or "just dealt with" - an event like this can leave long lasting effects. This person is (was) your best friend, and your instincts were to be with him. At the time, it sounds like you didn't know about the affair. And it also sounds like you have a lot of (understandable) feelings of anger and rage toward your wife right now.

Is there anyone in your life, perhaps outside this situation, or maybe removed from it to some extent, that you can talk to? Do you have health insurance of any kind, that might support a visit with a medical doctor or some trusted healthcare provider? Have you considered reaching out to your local hospital to see if there are any free / low cost trauma counseling options?

I highly recommend you seek support of some kind. It's only been a day or two, but do you feel like you're able to manage the strongest emotions? Are you still feeling the urges to lash out at your wife?

Please let us know how things are going, Ghost6306 - we're here for you.

[DearHusband]

Ghost,

It sounds like you are a diamond. You're certainly under enough pressure.

Any emotional reaction you have at this point is totally understandable. Would not be surprised if it would be hard to breathe right about now. Kudos to you for keeping a level head. Now is not the time to be making any major life decisions. They'll still be there when you are ready.

Therapy would be the logical advice but I understand what you are saying about finances (more pressure). If things get to be overwhelming, a crisis support line is free and something you might consider.

What emotions are you feeling right now?

Good luck,
DH