My Aunt with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi. I´m, Cobalt_Blade7354 and well, this is the story from my point of view.

Since i was a Kid, my Aunt was very youthful, cheerful and energetic person, She graduated Top of her class as a Lawyer and had full potential. She also had many suitors that became one way or another well known faces of the family however every single relation ended up abruptly. Up to those points she was still energetic. Things had some starts when my Grandmother (from my Mom´s side) passed away. We had the time to mourn and move forward, my Aunt got herself a Job with a friend on a Law Office, found a Boyfriend and things were relatively fine... .Then they broke up and on this point is where this story takes off. She became really depressive, melancoholic, had some mood swings for some time, then she quit her job and spent some time unemployed, relying on smoking, partying and drinking sometimes returning at 3-4 AM, some other times returning the next day often getting into arguments with her Father (my Grandfather) about her habits. that remained for some years until she landed a job on the Town Hall while she was getting some income, she spend it on personal treats for her, candies, expensive dinners, cigarrettes, while the rest of us relied on ask each other and then collaborate for anything. Sometimes we barely had enough money to pay the basic services (Water, Gas, Electricity and Cable), food and Education while my Aunt kept living like a Tycoon thinking on herself. This is where the arguments reignited now with my Mom and my other Aunt confronting her. My Aunt got treated by basically every single Specialist on my State and kept on with one on her speed dial, this is where the Medication enters the game. She started to abuse with the cigarrettes, coffee and sugar. The craves begins, our situation was starting to get difficult and the very little sweets or junk food we could afford we had to hide it on very obscure places (she stole 2 bars of Snickers i was keeping while i was away, fortunately this one she apologized and got me 2 more bars to make up for it). The Conflicts became worse and worse with the time making the things more difficult. This lead into my Sisters to have a strong dislike of my Aunt for verbally and mentally abusing my Mom and my Grandfather. The medications abuse got even worse by making minimum effect on her. She tried to shape herself up with some work to keep her mind busy and it somehow worked, this is where i take part on the story by helping her out, soon i found myself becoming her Assistant ranging from typewriting some of her work, handling her account to make payments and getting herself expensive burgers while i wanted and had no money to afford one (i was repeatedly offered one but i politely turned down because i wanted that my family had one as well) and took some time until i (normally cool minded and sometimes passive -had to admit-) had a breakdown... .A fiery one due to trying to help her out with a page, read a tutorial on how it was done and then she burst angrily with a NO and starts to cry triggering her making as a result to distance myself from her and evading as possible -and due to my calmed temper i´m an easy target for her to make me trigger her thus making myself more reclusive, yet she looks for me no matter what despite i put boundaries, The Economic situation of my Country made things more difficult in a way that her meds were scarce and this lead into more arguments now breaking stuff, and self harms, we pretty much tried everything, ranging from meds to therapies and even travels to other states, she gets back home happy and full of hope... .And the next day she resets back as if she never did anything.   And finally our current situation... .Everything pretty much triggers her now, having no cigarrettes, no meds, no coffee which in turn made her further manipulating my Mom (Hypertense) and my other Aunt (had a Stroke that affected her emotions) worsening her conditions and emotions (with self harm, running away in the middle of the night when it´s dangerous) on top of that it also affects my Grandfather (who´s showing some dementia symptoms) making him shake into fear, getting out of the house on odd moments and very unusual activities (such as asking questions already answered or cleaning broken items).

Her BPD literally declared us a full on battle to our health, it´s tearing my Family apart and i´m affraid to think that we (as a Family) are losing the Battle. I want to help my Mom just i don´t know how because, as i said, we tried pretty much everything and my Aunt always gets away with her own.

Thanks for taking the time to read my issue and sorry if it was long but this is basically our every day now.

[Cobalt_Blade7354]

Hi. I´m, Cobalt_Blade7354 and well, this is the story from my point of view.

Since i was a Kid, my Aunt was very youthful, cheerful and energetic person, She graduated Top of her class as a Lawyer and had full potential. She also had many suitors that became one way or another well known faces of the family however every single relation ended up abruptly. Up to those points she was still energetic. Things had some starts when my Grandmother (from my Mom´s side) passed away. We had the time to mourn and move forward, my Aunt got herself a Job with a friend on a Law Office, found a Boyfriend and things were relatively fine... .Then they broke up and on this point is where this story takes off. She became really depressive, melancoholic, had some mood swings for some time, then she quit her job and spent some time unemployed, relying on smoking, partying and drinking sometimes returning at 3-4 AM, some other times returning the next day often getting into arguments with her Father (my Grandfather) about her habits. that remained for some years until she landed a job on the Town Hall while she was getting some income, she spend it on personal treats for her, candies, expensive dinners, cigarrettes, while the rest of us relied on ask each other and then collaborate for anything. Sometimes we barely had enough money to pay the basic services (Water, Gas, Electricity and Cable), food and Education while my Aunt kept living like a Tycoon thinking on herself. This is where the arguments reignited now with my Mom and my other Aunt confronting her. My Aunt got treated by basically every single Specialist on my State and kept on with one on her speed dial, this is where the Medication enters the game. She started to abuse with the cigarrettes, coffee and sugar. The craves begins, our situation was starting to get difficult and the very little sweets or junk food we could afford we had to hide it on very obscure places (she stole 2 bars of Snickers i was keeping while i was away, fortunately this one she apologized and got me 2 more bars to make up for it). The Conflicts became worse and worse with the time making the things more difficult. This lead into my Sisters to have a strong dislike of my Aunt for verbally and mentally abusing my Mom and my Grandfather. The medications abuse got even worse by making minimum effect on her. She tried to shape herself up with some work to keep her mind busy and it somehow worked, this is where i take part on the story by helping her out, soon i found myself becoming her Assistant ranging from typewriting some of her work, handling her account to make payments and getting herself expensive burgers while i wanted and had no money to afford one (i was repeatedly offered one but i politely turned down because i wanted that my family had one as well) and took some time until i (normally cool minded and sometimes passive -had to admit-) had a breakdown... .A fiery one due to trying to help her out with a page, read a tutorial on how it was done and then she burst angrily with a NO and starts to cry triggering her making as a result to distance myself from her and evading as possible -and due to my calmed temper i´m an easy target for her to make me trigger her thus making myself more reclusive, yet she looks for me no matter what despite i put boundaries, The Economic situation of my Country made things more difficult in a way that her meds were scarce and this lead into more arguments now breaking stuff, and self harms, we pretty much tried everything, ranging from meds to therapies and even travels to other states, she gets back home happy and full of hope... .And the next day she resets back as if she never did anything.   And finally our current situation... .Everything pretty much triggers her now, having no cigarrettes, no meds, no coffee which in turn made her further manipulating my Mom (Hypertense) and my other Aunt (had a Stroke that affected her emotions) worsening her conditions and emotions (with self harm, running away in the middle of the night when it´s dangerous) on top of that it also affects my Grandfather (who´s showing some dementia symptoms) making him shake into fear, getting out of the house on odd moments and very unusual activities (such as asking questions already answered or cleaning broken items).

Her BPD literally declared us a full on battle to our health, it´s tearing my Family apart and i´m affraid to think that we (as a Family) are losing the Battle. I want to help my Mom just i don´t know how because, as i said, we tried pretty much everything and my Aunt always gets away with her own.

Thanks for taking the time to read my issue and sorry if it was long but this is basically our every day now.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Cobalt_Blade7354

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, your Aunts behaviour sounds very challenging to say the least. It does sound very BPD. Do you think  when she had many suitors, she got her narcisstic supply from them,  but now she relies on the household  and hence the big change ?

Have you ever had a house or family meeting to discuss your Aunts behaviour ? Do you think such a meeting may help ?  It does sound you are taking the weight on your own shoulders, when this looks like a household issue.  You’ll never beat a BPD on a one to one basis, especially one trained as a lawyer. They must win at all costs and feed off the drama, whilst you get weaker. It sounds like you do need to do something about this for your own sanity. People on this forum have a great deal of experience of similar settings and there are various techniques you can employ in this situation.  But it would be helpful to know what you've already tried. Feel free to expand on your situation and welcome to the BPD family. 

[Cobalt_Blade7354]

At this point it won´t do any effect at all making a Family meeting as somehow a simple talk escalates to a battlefield repeating the cycle all over again. On a beginning it may have worked but it´s no longer effective now. About trying things over the course of 17 years she has visited all kinds of specialists on our state (Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Therapists, Neurologysts, etc) and what we feel as family is that my Aunt has managed to handle the things to become more dependent on medications without her making a full effort to move forward, she has taken all kinds of combinations and at the end she tells that the medications didn´t had effect at all, like i also said she not only abuses from her medication but also abuses from cigarrettes and coffee. It´s worth saying that all these therapy sessions, medications, her meals, her tastes and debts have been sorted out because of us and as i mentioned above, our Country´s Economic difficulties made us unable to keep sustaining her "lifestyle", if it´s really difficult make one meal at day and paying the basic services, think how difficult it represents assuming her medical expenses. She was close to be hospitalized however when she was about to check in, she backed off upon knowing she wouldn´t be visited and ended up running away from the place. They recommended a Sleep Therapy however due to being expensive, we couldn´t take this option at full so we tried to do it at home under Medical supervision. On a certain time, electroshock therapy was brought up but at the end she also backed off from this option. At this point nothing seems effective and it gets more complicated everyday.

Thanks for the support and i´ll read as much as i can find here to help out my Mom.

[HappyChappy]

she has visited all kinds of specialists on our state (Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Therapists, Neurologysts, etc) ... .nothing seems effective and it gets more complicated everyday.

It sounds like you have done a great deal for your Aunt. I can understand how frustrating it must feel, that you are not getting the response you want, or that you feel your Aunt isn't doing her bit.

You mention she has visited all kinds of specialists. What have been the most common diagnosis they have come up with ?
I ask because although the self centred behaviour and drama you mention fit with BPD, there are a number of things you mention that don’t fit. Firstly EST is not commonly used to help BPD. Also you mentioned your Aunt was very different when she was younger, not necessarily ill until she finished with a boy friend. Here again, BPD is formed in childhood. Some say from around age 3, so it doesn’t come and go. You may have become more aware of it, by virtue of your Aunt focusing on you rather than her boyfiends, but the underlying person is essentially the same.

Someone with BPD would normally not admit to having any mental illness and would resist seeing psychologists etc... .your Aunt has at least got that far, I appreciate she has avoided the treatment, but that's not unusual.

A diagnosis would help guide treatment and any advise we could offer. You mention sleep therapy, is insomnia destabilising your Aunt ? Is the sleep therapy using CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) ? I appreciate this must be very difficult for you, especially with the financial constraints you have. But on the positive, there are many very good self help books around areas such as CBT. If you don't mind sharing the diagnosis, this should help us better support you.

[Cobalt_Blade7354]

It sounds like you have done a great deal for your Aunt. I can understand how frustrating it must feel, that you are not getting the response you want, or that you feel your Aunt isn't doing her bit.

- Unfortunately she thinks that we are the ones to blame for her situation, she even claims that we treat her badly without acknowledging that all of her treatment, medical care, her meals, cigarrettes, her debts,basic services and many other things from her are paid by us and all the different Family activities are set up to her time

You mention she has visited all kinds of specialists. What have been the most common diagnosis they have come up with ?
I ask because although the self centred behaviour and drama you mention fit with BPD, there are a number of things you mention that don’t fit. Firstly EST is not commonly used to help BPD. Also you mentioned your Aunt was very different when she was younger, not necessarily ill until she finished with a boy friend. Here again, BPD is formed in childhood. Some say from around age 3, so it doesn’t come and go. You may have become more aware of it, by virtue of your Aunt focusing on you rather than her boyfiends, but the underlying person is essentially the same.

- On a beginning she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, a year and a half ago they doubted and leaned towards BPD. Concerning the EST it was a suggestion from a Psychiatrist because my Aunt claims that no medication is effective on her.

Her Self Centered Behavior has always been there, however these outbursts that lead her to take medications and therapies have been since her breakup with the last Boyfriend she had and the crisis have been increasing bit by bit over the last 15 years.   

Someone with BPD would normally not admit to having any mental illness and would resist seeing psychologists etc... .your Aunt has at least got that far, I appreciate she has avoided the treatment, but that's not unusual.

- She always claims that she´s ill, technically it can be said that she´s happy saying that she´s ill, she only does this with us and the Specialists however won´t disclose her illness with her friends or workmates. Regarding the treatment she requests medications but like i said above she claims that no medication is effective on her. Over the last 15 years she has taken medications such as Diazepam, Clozapine, Haloperidol among many other in many different combinations and doses (I might ask my Mom since she´s the one who controls my Aunt´s pills schedules)

A diagnosis would help guide treatment and any advise we could offer. You mention sleep therapy, is insomnia destabilising your Aunt ? Is the sleep therapy using CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) ? I appreciate this must be very difficult for you, especially with the financial constraints you have. But on the positive, there are many very good self help books around areas such as CBT. If you don't mind sharing the diagnosis, this should help us better support you.  

- She´s not triggered due to the lack of sleep, on contrary, when she´s triggered by other circumstances (Motives ranges between: Lack of money to fund her needs, that her Father -my Grandfather- doesn´t lend her money, that something failed to go on her way, that someone didn´t replied any message or that her phone suffered a breakdown among many other things) in that moment she drinks massive ammounts of Coffee alongside her medications and this is the point where her sleep is affected and even when she sleeps under the crisis, she´s still very active regardless if she slept or not.

[HappyChappy]

Forgive me if you already know this, but the most obvious difference between bi polar and BPD is empathy and self awareness. Bi Polar has both, where someone with BPD can only fain empathy and will normally deny there is anything wrong with them. Bipolar is treated with medication (as its a chemical imbalance) and BPD is treated by Therapy. When there is confusion on diagnosis, often there maybe be more than one illness at play,  which is statistically quiet likely with BPD.

These claims that no medication is effective, could this simply be waif behaviour. I.e. an effective way of getting the attention she needs ?
You mention coffee a lot, but that has a very mild effect compared to the list of anti psychotics your Aunt is taking. But could you swap to caffeine free coffee ? I can’t taste the difference, but maybe that’s me.

Now you have explain this in greater detail, I believe this forum could help you better deal with your Aunts challenging behaviour, but unfortunately it sounds like your Aunt has met with the right people to help her. But sometimes, when the illness is a chemical imbalance, there is a limit to what can be done if medication does not work. If there are clear triggers, as you suggest, and these triggers relate to past trauma ,there maybe an element of trauma (CPTSD) at play, but I'm guessing the specialist will have considered this ?

I didn’t want to mention this earlier, but EST  is often rolled out when all else fails. Probably wise to follow Drs instructions in that respect. Ensure your Aunt sleeps well will also help, but I sense you already know this. So if you have done all you can for your Aunt, and she is plugged in with the specialists that can help, maybe its time to focus on yourself ? What sort of support do you need ?