Convo w/ SD22 about STBx

[Jeffree]

So, as many of you might have read, I lost my trusted companion who came into my life as part of the rest of the instant family I inherited when married the STBx.

SD22 was having a big moment about this loss yesterday herself. However, much of it seemed to center around this idea that STBx hardly ever participated in catering to the dog's day-to-day needs when he was alive. She hardly ever fed him, never bought his food, hardly ever played with or walked him, wasn't even around for the major medical issues of the past couple of years, then she swooped back home 2 hours before we euthanized him in the comfort of home and made this HUGE display of grief for the time she was there for this. SD22 seemed to think this was for theatrical purposes and was unearned because of her lack of participation in the dog's life.

I am not one to confirm or deny the genuineness of STBx's emotions, but if I had to guess she was wrecked by the passing of the dog and this was magnified by her lack of participation in his life during the good years. Either that, or this was her way of convincing herself and everyone there that despite her lack of empathy for anyone or anything she cared just as much, if not more, as anyone else did about him.

The point is that SD22 seems to be onto STBx in a bigger way than I thought. Unfortunately, she still feels compelled to "be there for her" because it's what she's always done and because she is her mother. I really hope she finds a good therapist to help her through the loss of the dog, so many other losses, and her stuff. In the meantime, I am there to help.

J

[Turkish]

Sounds like SD22 is onto her mother somewhat.  What a sad event to realize this too... .

We talk here about using the validation tools on pwBPD,  but they work with anybody.  As you raid,  your ex is her mom,  but you can validate her feelings without being the "bad guy" to "expose" her mother. 

1.12 | Validation - examples

There are links in the first message which may help.  What do you think?

[heartandwhole]

Hi Jeffree,

I think it’s great that you are there for SD through these several losses that she is experiencing.

Interesting observations about what your SD perceives. Doesn’t surprise me, as children are very perceptive (even though she’s an adult now).

I think feelings of guilt or shame alongside grief can exaggerate the expression. Maybe there was some of that going on with your ex? It’s all speculation, of course, but I think if SD thinks it was a put on, it may have been. In either case, It could be due to a need to appear blameless and good in the face of all that has happened.

Your SD sounds like she has a strong character. Do you think so?

heartandwhole

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Jeffrey, so sorry to hear of your loss.  Please accept my sympathy.