Silent Treatment again - ugh

[Enabler]

Do you feel that you are not living as the person you really are, as in, with me (example) ... .I watch every single thing I say to her, around her, the way I act, what I am to share with her, talk to her about, include her in ... .etc' ... .so as to possibly avoid yet another dysregulation - extreme disagreement-fight ... .no, I am a far different person around her; u/BPD wife than I am around other acquaintances ... .again, exhausting.

Amen, yet after all that “protection and shielding” the smallest scrap found is “abuse”, well it is perceived as so in my not-so-relationship. The hypervigilence and array of triggers is astonishing. It’s like hitting the rats that pop up at the fairground. Neeeeeext.

Sorry, not very productive post I know!

[nuthereggsheller]

You get it, Red.  On all counts.

No, I'm not living as the person I really am.  I have always been conscious of speaking with kindness (the 3 gates of gold ya know), and I'm not argumentative.  My parents were wonderfully patient and highly educated people who taught by example that most problems are not really problems, and we can talk to figure things out.  Stephen Covey - seek first to understand before being understood, and before that "I'm Okay You're Okay."  Wow, that's a throwback to the 70's.

But I, like you, find myself guarding myself, prethinking waaaay too often "how could this be taken?" (and yes, I got it now - I need to do less of that) or choosing to just smile and not speak, to avoid any possibility of triggering him. 

In contrast, with my ex and my children, we often would enjoy dinner together (as we always ate together around the table) and have lively discussion which would include debating topics, solving life and relationship problems with the kids, or making plans together for our next family adventure. All opinions were welcome. All differences of view were validated and openly discussed without threat.  It. Was. Fun.  A great learning experience.

Now I feel my learning experience is to learn to disengage. Learn not to discuss. Learn to screen my words and possibly keep them to myself.

For the longest time, hubby thought I was lying to him whenever he asked me a question because I had the rapid-fire thought process (although apparently not rapid enough!) of "hold on, if you say what you are actually thinking, how will he receive it? What are the ramifications of you saying this and will you be paying for it?"  Because I couldn't pop out an instant answer, he thought I was manufacturing falsehood.

No, I am not living as the person I really am.  I'm always on guard.  I'm... .another eggsheller.  It feels sad to me, but writing and reading in this forum helps. And I'm trying to find ways to detach and toughen up in a healthy way so that I can relearn to live my life as the happy person I genuinely am.

[Cat Familiar]

No, I'm not living as the person I really am.  I have always been conscious of speaking with kindness (the 3 gates of gold ya know), and I'm not argumentative.  My parents were wonderfully patient and highly educated people who taught by example that most problems are not really problems, and we can talk to figure things out.  Stephen Covey - seek first to understand before being understood, and before that "I'm Okay You're Okay."  Wow, that's a throwback to the 70's.

But I, like you, find myself guarding myself, prethinking waaaay too often "how could this be taken?" (and yes, I got it now - I need to do less of that) or choosing to just smile and not speak, to avoid any possibility of triggering him. 

In contrast, with my ex and my children, we often would enjoy dinner together (as we always ate together around the table) and have lively discussion which would include debating topics, solving life and relationship problems with the kids, or making plans together for our next family adventure. All opinions were welcome. All differences of view were validated and openly discussed without threat.  It. Was. Fun.  A great learning experience.

Now I feel my learning experience is to learn to disengage. Learn not to discuss. Learn to screen my words and possibly keep them to myself.

For the longest time, hubby thought I was lying to him whenever he asked me a question because I had the rapid-fire thought process (although apparently not rapid enough!) of "hold on, if you say what you are actually thinking, how will he receive it? What are the ramifications of you saying this and will you be paying for it?"  Because I couldn't pop out an instant answer, he thought I was manufacturing falsehood.

Not too long ago, I could have written nearly the exact words you've expressed, nuthereggsheller. I've been one of those people that others seek out to help them solve relationship issues, yet I couldn't talk to my own husband without inciting a blowup. I would practice in my head the words I would share with him and edit out any that could have untoward connotations until my message was so generic and indistinct, that it basically meant nothing. Even then, just my body language could set him off.

Now I just say what I need to and observe his response. Usually I can steer him back to "mild irritation" when I see that arising, so we no longer get to full-blown dysregulation.

How I got to this point involves lots of factors. One, participating on this site for the last few years has been a big help. Secondly, doing monthly (now every other month) therapy with a psychologist who saw him when we did marriage counseling a few years ago. When I began seeing her individually, she let me know that he has a personality disorder and knowing that was a game changer for me. I no longer had the goal of seeking agreement, getting permission, finding common ground--though at times, we're actually on the same page. Who would have guessed?

But the biggest difference in me was to build stronger boundaries. I was always trying to "help" and now I realize that my good intentions were perceived by him as thinking I was "better" than him. Well, it's true that in many ways my skills at self-control are far better than his, but I had no idea that he was feeling so put down by what I thought was kindness.

On the topic of infidelity--my BPD ex-husband must have had a couple of dozen one-nighters and affairs and I kept taking him back. (In retrospect, knowing what I know now, I would have kicked him to the curb after the first, but, wisdom is earned.

Infidelity is a knife that he knows he can hold over your head and cause you incredible pain and distress. Don't minimize your feelings. It is one of the worst betrayals known to humans--that the one we love and have promised to hold dear now breaks those bonds and treats our sacred commitment like garbage. I am so sorry. I know how much it hurts.   

That said, you cannot live your life seeking to contain him and prevent him from doing that in the future. PwBPD will do what they do and often, if they're so inclined to be unfaithful, when a moment presents a possibility for infidelity, they will eagerly choose to do that, consequences be damned.

I spent years trying to keep that old dog on the porch, only to have him go out hunting for pu$$y. (Sorry to be crude, but having been through it time and time again with my ex, I find humor is a wonderful antidote. Fortunately my current husband's acting out behavior only involves alcohol and thankfully he's not as extreme with it as he used to be.)

[Pencil sketch]

I have a feeling of de ja vue, when I read through these.
I am now 10 days out, and am shocked by how much of me, I have lost. I was a walking mute for the last few weeks of our r/s, everytin3 I opened my mouth, I was blasted with criticism, and riddles, I could feel myself retreating daily, just in an effort to survive.
The final straw came, when I didn't ask for a hug properly.
I feel for you.

[Subaru02]

Hey nuthereggsheller, I would be interested to hear more about your "personal sense of commitment," because I struggled with this issue during marriage to my BPDxW.  I value loyalty, yet at what point is one's loyalty misplaced in a BPD r/s?  Can you foresee a tipping point for yourself?  These are tough questions, I know, and the answers, of course, are different for everyone.

LuckyJim

LuckyJim,

I'm happy you stumbled upon that particular aspect of it, and I'm happy I stumbled on you pointing it out.

Although for me understanding someone's erratic behavior has always been something that would trigger my curiosity it has also been a very strong magnetic attraction for me. I've come to realize that people with such erratic behavior are those I want to learn the most about, because they are so spontaneous women like this can give you extreme highs but very hard lows.

Again, what is the tipping point? When is it enough? Why do we "continue" the rollercoaster and why do we always give another chance to these people? I'm asking myself the same question and its hard to look at myself objectively and say "THIS AND THIS are the reasons why I always end up tolerating this bullshiz"

Just wanted to share that.

[Lucky Jim]

Again, what is the tipping point? When is it enough? Why do we "continue" the rollercoaster and why do we always give another chance to these people? I'm asking myself the same question and its hard to look at myself objectively and say "THIS AND THIS are the reasons why I always end up tolerating this bullshiz"

Hey Subaru02, Glad that you found my Post relevant and that it provoked you to ask yourself these tough questions.  What are some of the reasons that you came up with?  Would be interested to hear.

LJ

[Subaru02]

Hey Subaru02, Glad that you found my Post relevant and that it provoked you to ask yourself these tough questions.  What are some of the reasons that you came up with?  Would be interested to hear.

LJ

Honestly, I think I really associated myself in the role of the "rescuer" the more I Found out about it. Somehow I dilluded myself into thinking that giving them a special kind of attention/love/care is what they need to be fixed. I think that deep down I actually believe that these people have "more to offer" when you open them up the right way. I think maybe I also dillude myself into thinking that the highs are so good with these people that they are worth the lows. That such highs would probably never be felt with someone more "stable/normal".

Thats a bit of my theory, still discovering a lot on the subject and about myself. Take a look at a recent post of mine on this board you might find something you could pitch in,

Cheers!

[Cat Familiar]

Honestly, I think I really associated myself in the role of the "rescuer" the more I Found out about it. Somehow I dilluded myself into thinking that giving them a special kind of attention/love/care is what they need to be fixed. I think that deep down I actually believe that these people have "more to offer" when you open them up the right way. I think maybe I also dillude myself into thinking that the highs are so good with these people that they are worth the lows. That such highs would probably never be felt with someone more "stable/normal".

It's one thing if you're just looking to get laid. It's another thing if you want someone to build a life with. And from reading your other post, you see how needy and clingy pwBPD can be and how they look to "hook" you and tie you up.

If you're just wanting a game, then yeah, the highs can be good. If you can exit before you're leveled by the lows, then OK, maybe.

Most people here are interested in having a relationship. And there can be tremendous pain and suffering in having a relationship with a pwBPD.

Some people like to play with fireworks. And some of those get their arms blown off because they don't let go soon enough.

[Subaru02]

It's one thing if you're just looking to get laid. It's another thing if you want someone to build a life with. And from reading your other post, you see how needy and clingy pwBPD can be and how they look to "hook" you and tie you up.

If you're just wanting a game, then yeah, the highs can be good. If you can exit before you're leveled by the lows, then OK, maybe.

Most people here are interested in having a relationship. And there can be tremendous pain and suffering in having a relationship with a pwBPD.

Some people like to play with fireworks. And some of those get their arms blown off because they don't let go soon enough.

I've had my arms blown off in the past but it was a risk I took when I started to understand what was going on.

Am I willingly getting back into the same situation. Maybe. But this time I know from the start, not once I'm deeply invested. We all learn right now this "game" is on such a surface level that I think I might just silently cut things off and let her drift away naturally knowing I'm not losing much.

Thanks for your input