So hard to stay strong

[jnssbc202]

It's been a while since I posted on here. My wedding was not sabotaged by my BPDsis - she didn't show up, fake an emergency, or anything like that. At the same time, she sent me a nasty email a couple of weeks before my wedding and then 3 days after my wedding. Three days later, she left me a loving voice mail congratulating me on my wedding ("I heard it was beautiful and I am happy for you". I responded politely and now it's taking everything out of me to not check if she responded (my T suggests I don't check because of my strong reaction to any contact with her. He says I am having "trauma responses." I know that her back and forth is part of her BPD and intellectually I agree with my T that if the voicemail indicates a true opening - that she's capable of calmly talking to me without abusing me - that I can take my time to process because the opening will be long lasting. Intellectually, I also don't think this is a true opening. How can she send me a hateful message one day and then 3 days later be recovered with no treatment of any kind? At the same time, there's a part of me that is still scared that I am ruining any chances of having a good relationship with her if I don't keep in constant contact with her. I keep hearing my mom's voice on my head ("I am not basing decisions on her past behavior because I don't want to regret anything later on.". While I disagree with my mom (to me, past behavior - consistent behavior over the past couple of years - matters a whole lot!), her words make me feel like a "bad sister." I hate the fact that my mom, grandmother, some cousins, and some friends see me as a "bad" person for protecting myself from abuse. To them, because my BPDsis is family, I have to be there for her no matter what. They don't understand the BPD thing and it's tearing me apart. I question my reality and the decisions I have been making. I fear talking to my parents, grandmother, and some cousins because they might say something hurtful. I don't like that this is interfering with my relationships! (It's even made my marriage more difficult in many ways.) I'm considering not going abroad to say goodbye to my dying grandmother because I worry about who will say what to me. I am tired of all of these triggers - I feel like I have to close myself off to the world in order to protect myself but then I end up feeling sad and lonely. I have relapsed into a depressive episode. I know it's not healthy for me to be in contact with my BPDsis (interestingly, she's the one who cut me out of her life yet she's been contacting me), but it's not only her now. I feel like I have to go no contact with soo many loved ones in order to protect myself and I don't really want that. I'm really not sure why it's taking so much out of me to not check for messages from my BPDsis, why I feel so much guilt for not sticking by her side through this, and why I am allowing this to interfere with my healthy relationships. Am I keeping myself from being happy because I feel guilt that she is suffering?

[Mutt]

Hi jnssbc202,

I can understand the guilty feelings induced by your family members for not understanding why you chose to self protect this is a difficult quandary on the one hand you have family members believing distortions a pwBPD will say mostly negative things about you that’s distorting reality and on the other hand you feel guilt for protecting yourself. Im just curious how long have you been self protecting? Is it fairly recent?

You have a right to protect yourself, she’s family but her behaviours towards you are not healthy their abusing. I can understand that she’s mentally ill it doesn’t condone her actions she still has to take care of herself by getting help for BOD. If a pwBPD doesn’t want to do it you have to I’d for them by taking measures to protect yourself from harm. You’re not responsible for the disorder.

[baylady]

jnssbc202, I am so glad to hear that your wedding was not ruined.  Best wishes to you both! 

I am sorry to hear that your sister is still causing you so much anxiety and affecting your relationship with other family members.  My uBPDsis has affected relationships with some of my family members too.  When we change the family dynamic, it rocks the boat so to speak.  In my family, some members want to just keep the peace, and since uBPDsis isn't up to the task, the expectation is that I (and other family members) will.  It makes things that much more difficult. 

My therapist has also told me that it is best if I don't read or respond to any contact by my uBPDsis.  We have a right to protect ourselves from abuse, and it is our decision, and ours alone.  Stay strong. 

[jnssbc202]

Im just curious how long have you been self protecting? Is it fairly recent?

She called me SCREAMING at me on June 7th. I said "no thank you" and hung up. A couple of hours later, she sent me a string of texts cursing me out and calling me names (selfish, aggressive, etc.) then proceeded to tell me I am cut out of her life, she feels sorry for me that I will never meet my nephew (he was born exactly one month later), deleted me from her online wedding album, blocked me on social media, and blocked me from calling and texting her. I didn't talk to anyone about it except for my now-H and some friends, but she's called/texted several people bad-mouthing me for months now (although I haven't said anything negative about her b/c I know she's suffering from BPD). Any contact initiated by her (or her H) since June has been abusive except for the one kind voice mail. To all of her abuse, I've responded with "I always have and always will love you." Despite this, to the outside world (and some people on the "inside" like my mom), I am a horrible, selfish sister who didn't invite her own sister to her wedding. Luckily, I have supportive people in my life who do understand and tell me that she didn't let me invite her and that I don't deserve to be abused. I'm not sure why I am so focused on those who don't get it. I guess, who truly doesn't care what anyone else thinks about them?

I'm really angry with my mom, honestly. She was very supportive and understanding at first but then she seemed to have lost it about a month before my wedding. In my understanding, she thinks that she is "good" for standing by my sister and I am "bad" for having boundaries. It's bring up past injuries of how my mom (who I realize now has both BPD and NPD traits) used to view me as evil and my BPDsis as an angel. I think at this point I am not only grieving my relationship with my BPDsis (only recently has it hit me that her condition is long-term) but I am also grieving over the fact that I will probably never have the relationship with my mom that I crave and that the same is probably true with other relatives.

jnssbc202, I am so glad to hear that your wedding was not ruined.  Best wishes to you both! 

I am sorry to hear that your sister is still causing you so much anxiety and affecting your relationship with other family members.  My uBPDsis has affected relationships with some of my family members too.  When we change the family dynamic, it rocks the boat so to speak.  In my family, some members want to just keep the peace, and since uBPDsis isn't up to the task, the expectation is that I (and other family members) will.  It makes things that much more difficult. 

My therapist has also told me that it is best if I don't read or respond to any contact by my uBPDsis.  We have a right to protect ourselves from abuse, and it is our decision, and ours alone.  Stay strong. 

Thank you, baylady! I can relate to what you are saying. That's exactly it! Some members want to keep the peace and so they stay quiet. I wonder if they also distort reality in their heads b/c it's too painful for them to see my BPDsis as suffering. My other sister seems to be in the clear even though she, too, is drawing boundaries. I'm not sure why she gets a pass - maybe b/c is younger than me? My parents always put so much pressure on me to "do the right thing" b/c I am older and "should know better." How long has it been since you stopped reading/responding to any contact from your uBPDsis? How do you get through the tough times when you feel guilt about it?

[Furbaby Mom]

Hi Jnssbc202,
I can relate to your story on a somewhat similar level.  My two SIL's have very strong BPD traits.  Leading up to our wedding, it was hell on earth.  Emails, texts, calls, complete chaos because I was "taking their brother from them."  After the wedding I had hoped things would simmer down, but unfortunately they have not.  My husband was very reluctant, but we ended up going no contact with his younger sister due to her aggression toward me and him.  A little over a year later, we are now "speaking" with her, but I am really struggling with not letting her take a mile when we gave her an inch.  Unfortunately, when one sister goes up, the other goes down and right now we are not speaking with his older sister.  She made that choice herself by blocking us in every way possible because I posted a picture she did not like.  It has been really hard on me, but even harder on my husband.
His family has always been incredibly dysfunctional, but we have always been able to manage it.  After we got married, the dynamic of the family shifted and the girls really have not gotten over that.  I had a birthday party and opted not to invite the youngest sister because we hadn't spoken in a year at that point and suddenly she was so hurt that she raged on both me and my husband. 

The guilt comes in two ways.  One, these are my husband's sisters, my sisters in law.  It is painful not knowing what they really think of me- they have labeled me as the bad one.  We cycled back and forth so quickly for the four years I have been in their lives it is really hard to want them to like me and just want them to be at peace, but also to know the destruction they are capable of.  In the past before I came along, they would use emergencies to suck my husband back in.  Some were fictional (brain tumors being treated in outpatient procedures) while others were very real (drug overdoses).  He gets scared that they may take things to that level AND will actually hurt themselves which I can understand.  Another real side to this guilt is that we want to have kids soon.  I am TERRIFIED because the older of the SIL's two children were taken away by the state before I came into the family.  The kids have been a topic of extreme pain for everyone but my SIL who is convinced she will get them back one day (she won't be able to) and that she tends to use them as pawns to get us to agree to see her.  She formed a relationship with the adoptive parents who allow visits.  The kids have not been allowed to see my father in law or step mother in law due to stories the adoptive parents were told.  I digress... .I am terrified that me getting pregnant will send her in a spiral because of the "attention" I may get just like for my wedding.  I also would love to have them be aunts, but not if they are being dangerous or unpredictable.  My husband also shares these fears.

The other guilt comes from his mom who would love for all of us to get along.  Despite us telling her the goings on leading up to the wedding, she believes that because we know better we should just move on.  She also has some BPD tendencies, so the requests usually only come around something that would benefit her like her birthday. 

It is really hard.  Really f*****g hard.  The guilt, the anxiety, the extreme desire for peace.  When it is quiet, I tend to get really nervous mostly because they can't stay quiet for too long.  I am sorry I don't have much to offer other than that I feel it too.  There is at least solace in the idea that we are not alone.

[jnssbc202]

Hi Jnssbc202,
I can relate to your story on a somewhat similar level.  My two SIL's have very strong BPD traits.  Leading up to our wedding, it was hell on earth.  Emails, texts, calls, complete chaos because I was "taking their brother from them."

My BPDsis used the same exact words about our father! She said I took my father from her because my father stayed at my house to take care of our animals while she was pregnant so that I could go abroad to introduce my then-fiance to my relatives. My father says he'd do it again even knowing the explosion that followed. My mom told my BPDsis that she would have made other decisions (i.e., not had my father help us) had she known my BPDsis would react this way. Hello enabling!

I had a birthday party and opted not to invite the youngest sister because we hadn't spoken in a year at that point and suddenly she was so hurt that she raged on both me and my husband.

YES! That's EXACTLY what happened with my wedding. Her nasty e-mail to me 3 days after my wedding was about this. I didn't read most of it (I've learned not to), but it said something like "How dare you go around crying that I am not coming to your wedding when you didn't even invite me?" What I think happened is that my BPDsis called my grandmother (she's been doing this to get people against me) but then my grandmother told her that I am upset that she won't be there. It's true, though. I did indeed make a conscious decision not to invite her. I don't feel safe around her and I didn't want toxicity at my wedding. I wanted this one day to be about me and my now-H. It doesn't mean that it's not difficult for me, though. I WISH things were different and that she could be there. I wore earring she got me a while ago so that she could be with me. 

I am terrified that me getting pregnant will send her in a spiral because of the "attention" I may get just like for my wedding.  I also would love to have them be aunts, but not if they are being dangerous or unpredictable.  My husband also shares these fears.

I am in the same situation. I want to get pregnant, but KNOW that it will set her off. She'll be upset about the attention and she'll remind my parents that they weren't there for her when she had her first child (it's not true but it's her perception). I, too, fear that my BPDsis might be a danger to my children. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. Although I am told over and over and over and over again that there's nothing I could have done to prevent it, I sometimes wonder if the toxicity of the current state with my BPDsis didn't help with my pregnancy. I want SO BADLY to focus on myself and my non-H, to be happy together and have children without thinking about my BODsis, but that has not yet happened. Your post also reminds me that my H is suffering, too.

The other guilt comes from his mom who would love for all of us to get along.  Despite us telling her the goings on leading up to the wedding, she believes that because we know better we should just move on.  She also has some BPD tendencies, so the requests usually only come around something that would benefit her like her birthday.

Wow! YES! My mom was telling me that I have to "be the bigger person," "get along as a family," and invite my sister to my wedding because otherwise "the family will never be the same again" and we won't be able to get together for holidays. Are you kidding me? I am the reason why the family will never be the same again? Like your MIL, my mom's requests would benefit her.

It is really hard.  Really f*****g hard.  The guilt, the anxiety, the extreme desire for peace.  When it is quiet, I tend to get really nervous mostly because they can't stay quiet for too long.  I am sorry I don't have much to offer other than that I feel it too.  There is at least solace in the idea that we are not alone.

You made me cry here. It's like you read my mind... .You're right. We are not alone... . 

[baylady]

This has all been going on for about eight years.  I have been NC for most of that but have seen her at a few family functions.  Some at which we have spoken, some not.  The latest drama was at Christmas, about a year since the previous drama.  I made the mistake of responding to a bullying email from her, and things escalated quickly.  Her husband (fourth) is her current enabler.  He got involved and also sent me a bullying FB message.  I finally stopped responding, resulting in a couple more emails calling me names.  When I didn't respond after two of these, she stopped for a few days.  Then I got one more message, which I also didn't respond to.  Fortunately, I saw my therapist in between, and she helped me stay strong.  NC seems to be the only thing that shuts her down.  Otherwise, it will go on forever.

[Furbaby Mom]

Jnssbc202,
 
Wow, we really can relate can't we?  Being newly married AND being the object of their hate has made life very stressful for me and my husband. 

Sometimes, I look back to when I first entered into a relationship with my now H.  My SIL 1 (the older one) was incarcerated for like the 5th time this time for retail theft due to heroin abuse.  The first time I was supposed to meet her, we went to the prison where she did not add me to the list so I had to wait in the car.  My SIL 2 (the younger one) was a very carefree 19 year old who was living with my H.  He paid all of her bills, gave her a job at his company, etc.  She attached herself to me which my H loved because I was a strong, independent woman who was in grad school and working full time.  I quickly became a role model for her, but also became her support just like my H. 
EVERYTHING shifted when we decided to look for an apartment to move in together.  Suddenly, SIL 2 threw adult temper tantrums left and right.  At the time I had no clue what was going on. 

She and her sister, when she got released from prison, created many situations to break me and my H up.  They planted drugs on him then called me to say he has a problem.  SIL 2 was told how my H was going to propose (he was really excited).  She came to me crying because she knew this information and thought I "would hate it."  She slept with a bunch of my H's friends destroying those friendships, borrowed money all claiming we left her in the dark. 

My H wanted me to have them both in our wedding as bridesmaids, which I did out of respect for him.  SIL 2 threw so many temper tantrums to count about the dress color, about hair and makeup, etc.  SIL 1 got engaged and was planning her own wedding (shocker).  SIL 1 closer to the wedding stated she may have to have surgery for some suddenly urgent medical situation, mainly because her father was not speaking with her. 

SIL 1 scares me.  She's the one who had kids, but the state took them away.  She has this side of her that is very revengeful and she is obsessed with social media.  I once posted a picture of my husband and his (and her) father.  The next day I was blocked on social media and was getting VERY scary messages on my work blog threatening me.  There is no proof it was her, but I have a lot of suspicions.  The words used were disgusting and scary. 

What scares me the most about this disorder is the narratives.  I can rationalize the rage most of the time, even though it can be incredibly hurtful.  I cannot seem to mentally grasp the narratives being told.  Their version of what happened/what they are currently up to is always self-deprecating and flat out lies.  When I try to come to any resolution with them, I feel like I have to just accept their narrative. 

We are now slowly integrating SIL 2 back into our lives and it is really difficult for me.  She is all sunshine and roses, "let's forget the past," "I always liked you, I never hated you," life is too short, etc.  The truth is that she found a man who believes her narrative and feels sorry for her.  He pays her bills and she goes to school full time.  Good for her and honestly, I am happy she's happy.  I am having a really hard time moving from where I was.  Moving from the place that we (my H and I) were discarded because we would not give in to her demands.  Moving from the place where I was SCREAMED at to my face.  Moving from the place where all it feels like we are good for is invitations and fun times.  Moving from the place where her boyfriend called my H after Christmas (I decided to get his sisters gifts even though we were not communicating at the time.  I wanted to be the bigger person which backfired.  I got them both gift cards to the same nice restaurant.  SIL 2's gift card was not processed correctly and apparently didn't have anything on it.  Her bf called my H and asked if it was a coincidence her card had nothing on it and accused me of doing it on purpose to hurt her).  By the way we have only met him one time in person.  SIL 2 has a great way of bringing many people into her narrative which makes her feel like she is right. 

I am really struggling.  SIL 1 hasn't said one word to either me or my H after we blocked her on social media.  She raged about me to my H and I had enough.  I posted a picture of my niece and that was apparently to make her feel bad.  I couldn't handle her anymore.

There will come a time for her to come back in and I feel like it may be soon.  We will have to see.  It's been a rollercoaster, but not the fun kind.  It has taken a lot for me to suck up and just manage, but my H has a hard time seeing that because he is always good in their eyes.

Sorry for ranting... .

[pbnjsandwich]

It's been a while since I posted on here. My wedding was not sabotaged by my BPDsis - she didn't show up, fake an emergency, or anything like that. At the same time, she sent me a nasty email a couple of weeks before my wedding and then 3 days after my wedding. Three days later, she left me a loving voice mail congratulating me on my wedding ("I heard it was beautiful and I am happy for you". I responded politely and now it's taking everything out of me to not check if she responded (my T suggests I don't check because of my strong reaction to any contact with her. He says I am having "trauma responses." I know that her back and forth is part of her BPD and intellectually I agree with my T that if the voicemail indicates a true opening - that she's capable of calmly talking to me without abusing me - that I can take my time to process because the opening will be long lasting. Intellectually, I also don't think this is a true opening. How can she send me a hateful message one day and then 3 days later be recovered with no treatment of any kind? At the same time, there's a part of me that is still scared that I am ruining any chances of having a good relationship with her if I don't keep in constant contact with her. I keep hearing my mom's voice on my head ("I am not basing decisions on her past behavior because I don't want to regret anything later on.". While I disagree with my mom (to me, past behavior - consistent behavior over the past couple of years - matters a whole lot!), her words make me feel like a "bad sister." I hate the fact that my mom, grandmother, some cousins, and some friends see me as a "bad" person for protecting myself from abuse. To them, because my BPDsis is family, I have to be there for her no matter what. They don't understand the BPD thing and it's tearing me apart. I question my reality and the decisions I have been making. I fear talking to my parents, grandmother, and some cousins because they might say something hurtful. I don't like that this is interfering with my relationships! (It's even made my marriage more difficult in many ways.) I'm considering not going abroad to say goodbye to my dying grandmother because I worry about who will say what to me. I am tired of all of these triggers - I feel like I have to close myself off to the world in order to protect myself but then I end up feeling sad and lonely. I have relapsed into a depressive episode. I know it's not healthy for me to be in contact with my BPDsis (interestingly, she's the one who cut me out of her life yet she's been contacting me), but it's not only her now. I feel like I have to go no contact with soo many loved ones in order to protect myself and I don't really want that. I'm really not sure why it's taking so much out of me to not check for messages from my BPDsis, why I feel so much guilt for not sticking by her side through this, and why I am allowing this to interfere with my healthy relationships. Am I keeping myself from being happy because I feel guilt that she is suffering?

I think that when we are so focused on others, we forget we deserve happiness.  What would it look like to you to allow yourself some space and get in touch with you? What if you could have a mature relationship with your sister where she is her own person and you are your own? What if the relationship you thought you had with your sister wasn't right for you and you needed a new relationship with her? Space away might give you these answers. It's not easy being alone in our thoughts, but sometimes we need space to get a new set of priorities and boundaries.  It's always scary, but it's always worth it.

[jnssbc202]

This has all been going on for about eight years.  I have been NC for most of that but have seen her at a few family functions.  Some at which we have spoken, some not.  The latest drama was at Christmas, about a year since the previous drama.  I made the mistake of responding to a bullying email from her, and things escalated quickly.  Her husband (fourth) is her current enabler.  He got involved and also sent me a bullying FB message.  I finally stopped responding, resulting in a couple more emails calling me names.  When I didn't respond after two of these, she stopped for a few days.  Then I got one more message, which I also didn't respond to.  Fortunately, I saw my therapist in between, and she helped me stay strong.  NC seems to be the only thing that shuts her down.  Otherwise, it will go on forever.

Wow. One of my biggest fears is about seeing my BPDsis. I am lucky in the sense that we live in different states so we don't see each other often anyway. On the other hand, I haven't contacted certain people when I am in my hometown in fear that my BPDsis will show up and I'll have to deal with seeing her face to face. I completely understand what you mean about ways to "shut her down." I've found that when I respond with things like "you're angry and that's OK. I love you," she stops contacting me. My parents, on the other hand, take the bait and she keeps attacking them. This whole situation is heartbreaking. I'm sorry for what you've been going through.

What scares me the most about this disorder is the narratives.  I can rationalize the rage most of the time, even though it can be incredibly hurtful.  I cannot seem to mentally grasp the narratives being told.  Their version of what happened/what they are currently up to is always self-deprecating and flat out lies.  When I try to come to any resolution with them, I feel like I have to just accept their narrative.

YES! We really can relate and I am with you on being most scared of the narratives. Many times I question my own sense of reality! Sometimes I wonder if I am the one who has a skewed perception and everyone around me is just playing along to protect me. I'm at the point where I don't try to argue about the narratives. As mentioned above, I just state my BPDsis' feeling and then tell her I love her. The book Stop Walking on Eggshells helped me with that (or aybe it was something else that I read. Haha).

We are now slowly integrating SIL 2 back into our lives and it is really difficult for me.  She is all sunshine and roses, "let's forget the past," "I always liked you, I never hated you," life is too short, etc.  The truth is that she found a man who believes her narrative and feels sorry for her.  He pays her bills and she goes to school full time.  Good for her and honestly, I am happy she's happy.  I am having a really hard time moving from where I was.  Moving from the place that we (my H and I) were discarded because we would not give in to her demands.  Moving from the place where I was SCREAMED at to my face.  Moving from the place where all it feels like we are good for is invitations and fun times.  Moving from the place where her boyfriend called my H after Christmas (I decided to get his sisters gifts even though we were not communicating at the time.  I wanted to be the bigger person which backfired.  I got them both gift cards to the same nice restaurant.  SIL 2's gift card was not processed correctly and apparently didn't have anything on it.  Her bf called my H and asked if it was a coincidence her card had nothing on it and accused me of doing it on purpose to hurt her).  By the way we have only met him one time in person.  SIL 2 has a great way of bringing many people into her narrative which makes her feel like she is right. 

I am really struggling.  SIL 1 hasn't said one word to either me or my H after we blocked her on social media.  She raged about me to my H and I had enough.  I posted a picture of my niece and that was apparently to make her feel bad.  I couldn't handle her anymore.

There will come a time for her to come back in and I feel like it may be soon.  We will have to see.  It's been a rollercoaster, but not the fun kind.  It has taken a lot for me to suck up and just manage, but my H has a hard time seeing that because he is always good in their eyes.

Sorry for ranting... .

No need to be sorry. If I am being completely honest, there's a HUGE part of me that's happy when my BPDsis doesn't reach out to me. I used to have hope that she will contact me to try to resolve things, but now I even fear that. I don't feel ready to talk to her about how she's been treating me and I certainly don't feel it's right to just brush it all under the rug. I completely understand about the roller coaster. It's not fun AT ALL!

I think that when we are so focused on others, we forget we deserve happiness.  What would it look like to you to allow yourself some space and get in touch with you? What if you could have a mature relationship with your sister where she is her own person and you are your own? What if the relationship you thought you had with your sister wasn't right for you and you needed a new relationship with her? Space away might give you these answers. It's not easy being alone in our thoughts, but sometimes we need space to get a new set of priorities and boundaries.  It's always scary, but it's always worth it.

Thank you so much for this. For me, it's a lot of guilt about being happy when she is so unhappy. In my family, you get attention and love when you are sick/unhappy. When you are happy, it's like you abandoned the family and need to be brought down for that. It's been a struggle separating from them all. I keep thinking about how this is MY life and I do indeed deserve happiness. I am working very hard with my T on this. I am also determined to break the cycle - it might not happen with my parents and sisters, but I really am determined for it to be broken for my new family (my H and I and hopefully children one day). I'll chew on the "What if the relationship you thought you had with your sister wasn't right for you and you needed a new relationship with her?" question - it's a good one and it's certainly making me think. It can also help with this grief, I think. Thank you!