Mom's stopped speaking to me, feels like we are both stuck in battle of wills

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi. I believe my mom has BPD traits. Recently she has stopped speaking to me for the last 3 weeks. This is unusual. I have been in therapy myself, I don't know if she has. I read the book "Walking on Eggshells". My immediate concern is that it feels like we are in a battle of wills. Who will break the silence first. this creates immense guilt and anxiety.

[Ready2Change]

Hi. I believe my mom has BPD traits. Recently she has stopped speaking to me for the last 3 weeks. This is unusual. I have been in therapy myself, I don't know if she has. I read the book "Walking on Eggshells". My immediate concern is that it feels like we are in a battle of wills. Who will break the silence first. this creates immense guilt and anxiety.

[Feeling Better]

Hello Ready2Change

I’m so sorry to hear that your mom is currently giving you the silent treatment, it is so hurtful when they do this. You say that this is unusual, have you any idea what triggered this behaviour?

quote Ready2Change
 My immediate concern is that it feels like we are in a battle of wills. Who will break the silence first. this creates immense guilt and anxiety.

I would suggest that it doesn’t need to be a battle of wills, someone always has to make the first move in order to break the stalemate. It sounds to me that this situation is causing you distress which is unhealthy for you. How do you feel about being the one that makes the first move to try and break the silence? Do you think it is something that you could do?

[Kwamina]

Hi Ready2Change and welcome to bpdfamily

Being at the receiving end of the silent treatment can be very difficult and hurtful. You titled this post 'confused' and I can definitely get your confusion if you have not experienced this before.

Like Feeling Better, I too am wondering what led up to this change in your mother's behavior. Did anything specific lead up to this or was it totally out of the blue?

When you say it is unsual, do you mean it is unusual that your mother has stopped talking to you or that it's unsual that it's been going on for so long now? Has she ever given you the silent treatment before and if she has, how long did she keep it up?

You have read the book 'Walking on Eggshells' and believe your mother has BPD traits. What are the main BPD traits you see in her?

Take care and I'm glad you reached out for support

The Board Parrot

[WalkingWounded]

This is my first post, but I am going through this now, and wanted to reach out to you, as I know how painful it is. 

The silent treatment has been used against me my entire life, and it was only just a couple of years ago that I was able to put a name to the treatment I'd received from my mother since I was little. She had a fit one morning because I didn't pick up the phone the night before, and when I did some research, I found an article in a psychology magazine that had an example of a dialogue between a BPD mother and daughter, and it was almost word-for-word the fight I had with my mother. She didn't speak to me for about six weeks after that, and her first words when she finally called were "Are you ready to tell me what's wrong with you?" She once didn't speak to me for a whole year, which was the record (because I moved out). Not kidding.

I am going into the fifth week of silence now, but unlike other times, it wasn't precipitated by a fight, or by me standing up to her. It is making me physically sick, as it always does. I have anxiety/panic, so it is hell for me.

I understand what you mean about the "battle of will", because I know that I may be walking into a trap if I were to approach. It is a double-edged sword. There are a lot of us out here who go through this regularly, and my heart goes out to you. I don't know how you feel about it, but putting distance between you by going low-contact or no-contact seems to work for many. Take care of yourself first.

[cedarview]

Hi Ready2Change,

I am also sorry to hear that you are getting the silent treatment. The more you read and learn about BPD, the more you realize that this is a pretty common tactic. You also learn that it is emotional abuse because let's be honest; it feels bad to have an argument but it feels worse to be left without any communication at all. It is like the other side has given up and it does feel like a "battle of wills" sometimes. In my own situation, after long periods of not speaking to me, my mother will all of the sudden pop up somehow and want to act like nothing has happened. It takes strength to decide that "acting like nothing happened" is off the table and that the person giving the silent treatment needs to be responsible for their actions. Have you considered what type of relationship you want to have with your mother when you finally do re-connect (assuming that you will, at least it sounds like something that you expect at some point)? It is better to have a plan ahead of time rather than "wing it" and fall back into the same unhealthy dynamic. I agree that deciding to be the one to reach out and break the stalemate is an option. My wife and I did just that with this latest bout of silent treatment from my mother, sending her a nice but firm e-mail. The response from her was unhelpful and belligerent, but at least we know that we tried. Who knows? In another few weeks we may try again. I know a psychiatrist who often says of these situations; "Time will reveal all." and it is true. Sometimes we get hung up on wanting to do or say something "right now" that will "fix" the situation. Don't neglect the option of sitting tight and seeing how things develop. It does get easier.

Cview

[Turkish]

I would suggest that it doesn’t need to be a battle of wills, someone always has to make the first move in order to break the stalemate

The first move isn't acquiescence, but rather to break the stalemate, as Feeling Better says. We use this analogy a lot: toss the ball into her court.  It's up to her to serve it back,  but being tossed, she owns it, not you.  It isn't in your court any longer. 

Can you think of a neutral, short way to do this?

[cedarview]

The first move isn't acquiescence, but rather to break the stalemate, as Feeling Better says. We use this analogy a lot: toss the ball into her court.  It's up to her to serve it back,  but being tossed, she owns it, not you.  It isn't in your court any longer.

My problem is that this turns into a cycle. We toss the ball back into her court. If it isn't the type of response she wanted (it never is) she fumes in silence and doesn't communicate with us at all. For at least a few weeks after that we feel some relief because we know that it is up to her how she wants to respond, but then as time goes on we start to feel more and more like "Well we should try one more time" or "What if something is really wrong shouldn't we try again", etc. That is the hump that I feel we need to get past in our situation at least.

[WalkingWounded]

In my own personal experience, and from what I've read and Youtubes I've watched on the subject, IMO it's better to let them come out of it when they're ready. It depends on what kind of relationship you have at present, and what kind of relationship you want to have in future, I guess.

If you reach out and try to put things right, I think you run the risk of encouraging the behavior because they have managed to get the outcome they are looking for. They want you to stew, fret, worry, try to figure out what you did wrong, beg them to talk, etc. It is emotional abuse, no question, and very effective. In my case, I know it's a trap. In the past when I've tried to get her to talk to me, she is prepared with a comeback and some issue to rage at me about, and the silent treatment will continue anyway.

I have learned over a lifetime of this to let her own it, and let her come out of it when she is ready. When I do that, she tends to pop up and act like nothing ever happened. From what I've read, unless you are prepared to go no-contact, this is something that will happen from time to time. I have low-contact, and only speak to her by phone, and still am subjected to this every 18 months or so for weeks at a time. Despite a lifetime of it, it still hurts and causes a physical reaction. I wish it didn't, but it does.

The bottom line is we all have to weigh how uncomfortable the silence is compared to what she may throw at you were you to try to put things right. In my case, I'm trying really hard to learn to see it as a much-needed break. I'm not there yet, but I'm trying.

[cedarview]

Very well put WalkingWounded. I found that when we first went no contact for a month, even though my mind was stressed out and guilty, my body and subconcious felt pretty good after a while. I slept better and I was less preoccupied with my parents. My mind came around pretty soon too and I realized that I felt pretty darn good overall. It is so easy to psyche yourself out when you have an "adult" putting the screws to you in ways that they have learned and honed over your  entire lifetime.

[WalkingWounded]

Thanks, cedarview. I am going into week six with the current episode, and it is a real challenge. I've found that my ability to emotionally deal with it has a lot to do with how well I slept the night before, but even after a good night's sleep, the stress creeps in and out. I am having a bad day today, and letting my worst fears get the better of me. I don't think we realize until we're adults just how abusive this behavior is.