divorced from a BP last year after 20 years

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello, I can't believe I haven't thought to seek support in this matter until now.  I have only recently come to terms with the fact that my ex-husband is BP, and quite frankly, I often forget it during heated times when he is doing something crazy or unexpected and I'm angry.  It's not until I remember that he's simply sick that I can gain perspective and calm again and not get myself wrapped up in his craziness.

Our marriage was frenetic and exhausting.  We moved 8 times in 6 years over 3 continents.  I had our 3 babies during this time and raised them while he went from job to job and made wild amounts of money and lost wild amounts of money over and over.  What was in it for me? Adventure, family, sweet children and exotic friends and lifestyles.  I knew things were bad in my marriage, but I put it all on a shelf and promised myself I'd address it once we moved home.  When we got home, things got very bad.  He was depressed and unfulfilled in his work; he resented me for withdrawing from our marriage (I was exhausted and overwhelmed by him).  I sought therapy, and he came to one session, lied to the counselor about seeing other women, and never came back.  I couldn't solve the riddle of how to engage with him and feel heard, known, loved.  He literally couldn't hear me and figuratively wouldn't listen.  He would go, go, go all day and then drink through the evening until he passed out before the kids even went to bed.  I stayed home and raised them.  He went for a full 5-year run of not putting them to bed once.  I grieved the loss of connection with him, my children's loss of connection with him.  He travelled for work during the week then on the weekends, went away to sports or activities for several hours and left me to care for the kids.  When he was angry (which frighteningly was not always when he was drunk), sometimes he would follow me around and yell at me while I was trying to get away from him.  I'd implore him to talk tomorrow when we'd calm down, but he would pin me down and say he WAS calm and that if I wasn't calm, too, then it was my problem.  He shoved me out of bed while I was crying, poured his drink on me in public and left me sopping wet, broke a door in when I was pregnant and trying to get away from him while he yelled at me, cornered me and trapped me physically, and yelled right in my face while I stood there and just took it because if I didn't, I was terrified that he would bash my face in.  He never did.  But he was a big weightlifter and very, very scary.  He said he wasn't scary.  He said that I just liked to make myself the victim.

I was so lonely and so miserable, and yet he still blamed me for being "too tired for my life" or not brave enough to engage with him.  I had no money, no drive to leave my children alone at home and go to work.  I couldn't solve the riddle of how to get what I needed.  I decided to become giving and see what that got me.  I woke up, I engaged with him, I gave him everything he'd been bemoaning not having and then some.

And finally, I caught him in his lies.  He could not blame me anymore, as I had become blameless.  He knew this.
 So, he hung his head and said he needed other women because I was the first woman he'd fallen in love with and he needed to know what it was like.  So, I said to go for it, as long as I could, too.  I decided that he'd see other women no matter what, so why not keep a safe home for our children.  And in my heart, which had flown out the window in pieces every time he'd shouted at me, I left.  It didn't take long for me to meet my perfect emotional match and fall in love.  My husband said he'd change; he made us go to counseling, but in counseling he yelled until his eyes were bloodshot for over a year.  We agreed on a peaceable divorce, a collaborative one where we'd be each other's "greatest allies" (his words), a beautiful arrangement of lifetime friendship where we'd always have each other's backs and be great friends and raise our kids together.  This was all his idea, and I thought it was lovely.  But no, of course he wouldn't follow through.  He met a woman and got an apartment with her before knowing her for a week.  He moved out without any plans for our children and accused me.  He announced publically that the children would come first and that we were amicable, but naturally he screwed me pretty bad in our asset division by presenting himself as poor and wishing he'd see his kids more, and then he moved 3 hours away for yet another lucrative job and rarely sees his kids at all anymore.  I am left with constant haggling over hours for pickup and dropoff with him, not to mention that I am now a full-time parent and have to manage a full-time job with no backup support.  It's the haggling over parenting schedules that continue to make me crazy, as he won't adhere to any plan or agreement, even our legal agreement.  Otherwise, the space from him has been truly life-giving; the peace I feel on a daily basis without him around is profoundly restorative.  Even my oldest son has thanked me for the divorce.

So that's where I am now. Thanks for reading and for being here!

I look forward to hearing more stories, to being reminded that I'm not crazy, to restoring myself to wholeness again.  I hope I can trust a partner again someday.

[medjool]

Hello, I can't believe I haven't thought to seek support in this matter until now.  I have only recently come to terms with the fact that my ex-husband is BP, and quite frankly, I often forget it during heated times when he is doing something crazy or unexpected and I'm angry.  It's not until I remember that he's simply sick that I can gain perspective and calm again and not get myself wrapped up in his craziness.

Our marriage was frenetic and exhausting.  We moved 8 times in 6 years over 3 continents.  I had our 3 babies during this time and raised them while he went from job to job and made wild amounts of money and lost wild amounts of money over and over.  What was in it for me? Adventure, family, sweet children and exotic friends and lifestyles.  I knew things were bad in my marriage, but I put it all on a shelf and promised myself I'd address it once we moved home.  When we got home, things got very bad.  He was depressed and unfulfilled in his work; he resented me for withdrawing from our marriage (I was exhausted and overwhelmed by him).  I sought therapy, and he came to one session, lied to the counselor about seeing other women, and never came back.  I couldn't solve the riddle of how to engage with him and feel heard, known, loved.  He literally couldn't hear me and figuratively wouldn't listen.  He would go, go, go all day and then drink through the evening until he passed out before the kids even went to bed.  I stayed home and raised them.  He went for a full 5-year run of not putting them to bed once.  I grieved the loss of connection with him, my children's loss of connection with him.  He travelled for work during the week then on the weekends, went away to sports or activities for several hours and left me to care for the kids.  When he was angry (which frighteningly was not always when he was drunk), sometimes he would follow me around and yell at me while I was trying to get away from him.  I'd implore him to talk tomorrow when we'd calm down, but he would pin me down and say he WAS calm and that if I wasn't calm, too, then it was my problem.  He shoved me out of bed while I was crying, poured his drink on me in public and left me sopping wet, broke a door in when I was pregnant and trying to get away from him while he yelled at me, cornered me and trapped me physically, and yelled right in my face while I stood there and just took it because if I didn't, I was terrified that he would bash my face in.  He never did.  But he was a big weightlifter and very, very scary.  He said he wasn't scary.  He said that I just liked to make myself the victim.

I was so lonely and so miserable, and yet he still blamed me for being "too tired for my life" or not brave enough to engage with him.  I had no money, no drive to leave my children alone at home and go to work.  I couldn't solve the riddle of how to get what I needed.  I decided to become giving and see what that got me.  I woke up, I engaged with him, I gave him everything he'd been bemoaning not having and then some.

And finally, I caught him in his lies.  He could not blame me anymore, as I had become blameless.  He knew this.
 So, he hung his head and said he needed other women because I was the first woman he'd fallen in love with and he needed to know what it was like.  So, I said to go for it, as long as I could, too.  I decided that he'd see other women no matter what, so why not keep a safe home for our children.  And in my heart, which had flown out the window in pieces every time he'd shouted at me, I left.  It didn't take long for me to meet my perfect emotional match and fall in love.  My husband said he'd change; he made us go to counseling, but in counseling he yelled until his eyes were bloodshot for over a year.  We agreed on a peaceable divorce, a collaborative one where we'd be each other's "greatest allies" (his words), a beautiful arrangement of lifetime friendship where we'd always have each other's backs and be great friends and raise our kids together.  This was all his idea, and I thought it was lovely.  But no, of course he wouldn't follow through.  He met a woman and got an apartment with her before knowing her for a week.  He moved out without any plans for our children and accused me.  He announced publically that the children would come first and that we were amicable, but naturally he screwed me pretty bad in our asset division by presenting himself as poor and wishing he'd see his kids more, and then he moved 3 hours away for yet another lucrative job and rarely sees his kids at all anymore.  I am left with constant haggling over hours for pickup and dropoff with him, not to mention that I am now a full-time parent and have to manage a full-time job with no backup support.  It's the haggling over parenting schedules that continue to make me crazy, as he won't adhere to any plan or agreement, even our legal agreement.  Otherwise, the space from him has been truly life-giving; the peace I feel on a daily basis without him around is profoundly restorative.  Even my oldest son has thanked me for the divorce.

So that's where I am now. Thanks for reading and for being here!

I look forward to hearing more stories, to being reminded that I'm not crazy, to restoring myself to wholeness again.  I hope I can trust a partner again someday.

[Speck]

Welcome, medjool!

 

Let me welcome you here to bpdfamily and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here. This is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful.

Thank you for sharing what you have thus far:

I look forward to hearing more stories, to being reminded that I'm not crazy, to restoring myself to wholeness again.  I hope I can trust a partner again someday.

No, you are not crazy. It sounds like you have really had a tough time, and I'm so sorry for that. It sounds like you are now emerging from a bad dream and are hopeful for the future. And that is a very beautiful thing.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[medjool]

Thank you so much! 

[spero]

Hello Medjool

I'd like to chime in and say  , i'm sorry to hear about your present situation and cannot imagine how tough, stressful, overwhelming for you to be managing three kids in addition to the issues you have experienced with you ex-partner.

Our marriage was frenetic and exhausting.  We moved 8 times in 6 years over 3 continents.  I had our 3 babies during this time and raised them while he went from job to job and made wild amounts of money and lost wild amounts of money over and over... . I knew things were bad in my marriage, but I put it all on a shelf and promised myself I'd address it once we moved home.  When we got home, things got very bad.  He was depressed and unfulfilled in his work; he resented me for withdrawing from our marriage (I was exhausted and overwhelmed by him). 

Wow, relocating 8 times in 6 years must really both mentally and physically exhausting for you and a load of adjustments for your kids as well. I am sorry that your ex-husband felt that way about you and the marriage. That must have been so hurtful to have been subjected to such treatment by a loved one.

When he was angry (which frighteningly was not always when he was drunk), sometimes he would follow me around and yell at me while I was trying to get away from him.  I'd implore him to talk tomorrow when we'd calm down, but he would pin me down and say he WAS calm and that if I wasn't calm, too, then it was my problem.  He shoved me out of bed while I was crying, poured his drink on me in public and left me sopping wet, broke a door in when I was pregnant and trying to get away from him while he yelled at me, cornered me and trapped me physically, and yelled right in my face while I stood there and just took it because if I didn't, I was terrified that he would bash my face in.  He never did. 

I am very sorry to hear of this. This is very difficult to read and take in. I really do hope right now that you are safe away from physical abuse, and that your children are also safe from physical harm. It is really heart breaking to hear cases involving DV (domestic violence). More so when a man abuses a woman... this is indeed very unfortunate and no woman should be treated as such by her husband whose duty is to protect his family and spouse. I am concerned at this moment for the trauma that you have received. I can see that there is a certain level of a trained response of "fear". Have you considered or taken measures to ensure the physical safety of you and your children? and are you still in the midst of therapy?

I was so lonely and so miserable, and yet he still blamed me for being "too tired for my life" or not brave enough to engage with him.  I had no money, no drive to leave my children alone at home and go to work.  I couldn't solve the riddle of how to get what I needed.  I decided to become giving and see what that got me.  I woke up, I engaged with him, I gave him everything he'd been bemoaning not having and then some.

I am sorry that it seems that you've tried everything you could in your power to try to salvage your marriage and that unfortunately has not worked out. It must be so discouraging and defeating to be presented with a situation which feels so one-sided.

My husband said he'd change; he made us go to counseling, but in counseling he yelled until his eyes were bloodshot for over a year.  We agreed on a peaceable divorce, a collaborative one where we'd be each other's "greatest allies" (his words), a beautiful arrangement of lifetime friendship where we'd always have each other's backs and be great friends and raise our kids together.  This was all his idea, and I thought it was lovely.  But no, of course he wouldn't follow through.  He met a woman and got an apartment with her before knowing her for a week.  He moved out without any plans for our children and accused me. He announced publically that the children would come first and that we were amicable, but naturally he screwed me pretty bad in our asset division by presenting himself as poor and wishing he'd see his kids more, and then he moved 3 hours away for yet another lucrative job and rarely sees his kids at all anymore. 

I do suppose that at this point in time, you are able to actually observe certain patterns in your ex-partner's behaviour. On one hand, sometimes we hoped that they really mean what they say, but alas, it is their behaviour that proves to be most telling. The only consistency you might observe would be his "inconsistency". Rather i would say that you're ex partner has his "will" subjected to the leading of his heart and would make decisions in "that moment" based on what he feels... not so much looking at the long term implications of what they may be.

I am left with constant haggling over hours for pickup and dropoff with him, not to mention that I am now a full-time parent and have to manage a full-time job with no backup support.  It's the haggling over parenting schedules that continue to make me crazy, as he won't adhere to any plan or agreement, even our legal agreement.  Otherwise, the space from him has been truly life-giving; the peace I feel on a daily basis without him around is profoundly restorative.  Even my oldest son has thanked me for the divorce.

I am wondering if you would be able to request financial support from your ex-partner since he is the biological father of the children... .and whether that would be a good starting point, if you wish, to rebalance the situation. I am not sure about how the laws in your country work. But i do think that as a woman with three children under your care, perhaps the law might be in your favour if you sought help? If you already have a drawn up legal agreement... .now might be such a time to explore your legal rights for child support?

I'll echo speck in saying that you're not going crazy. I am glad that you've found this place. Seeing where you are right now, i do encourage you to continue sharing your thoughts and experience, and that somehow this place would bring you comfort and support as you interact with members of this community.

Sending you and your kids a big warm hug. Takecare.

Spero