BPD Father- adores me and vilifies husband

[chickpea1]

Hello everyone,

I have never actually written on a message board before!  I have been married for 16 years to a very kind man and we have 4 children.  My father has BPD (he does not know it but my brother and I are acutely aware) and adores me.  He will blame my friends for my shortcomings (real or perceived) and I'm in my 40s!  He's also fairly okay with my kids- we all walk on eggshells to a certain degree because we never know what he's going to say. 

Recently it has come to my attention that my father has vilified my husband.  He was saying really weird, hurtful things about him to me but I dismissed them as irrational and didn't give it much more thought.  This intensified to the point where my dad tried to provoke my husband to fight because my dad had a different idea of parenting our children.  During that interaction, my dad tried to get me to leave my husband and repeatedly told him that he was going to take his children away.  My husband did not back down and it was an ugly affair.  It was much deeper than that, I'm afraid. 

We've learned since then that my dad AND my mom have been "collecting evidence" trying to prove child abuse regarding my husband. My mother, until recently, would interject and correct him if he started going "off".  Lately though, I've observed that she just sits there and doesn't say anything. 

I just can't tell you how absurd all of this is.  Thank the Lord we had already had some of our kids in counseling for unrelated things.  I justified the crazy by saying that he just went into a rage and said things that he didn't mean.  Since then, I have read up on BPD and realize that denigration campaigns are a "thing".  I had no idea. 

My parents have said that they didn't mean what they said and that they do not think my husband is, in any way, a threat to me or our children.  They are blaming the whole issue on my dad being "overprotective" and, oddly, my mother-in-law (for reasons not worth explaining). 

My mother-in-law has ceased contact with my parents which is driving them crazy.  They are texting, calling, writing letters to her.  I feel bad for her because she's afraid of my dad.  We all live really close to each other, BTW. 

My inclination is to move on with life and try to set boundaries with folks and work within them.  They really do not want to be disconnected from my children- my kids love them dearly.  On the other hand, I am terrified that this is going to continue now that this pattern has been established.  I'm deeply concerned about my husband, who although not perfect, certainly didn't sign up for this.  I'm concerned for my marriage because my husband wants to cut off contact and I do not.


Our family is so boring that I think drama had to be drummed up.  I am a trained peacemaker and I find myself unable to keep the peace here.  It does help to write this out because it sounds so crazy.  Any advice out there?

As an aside, do any of you find yourself rewriting and fearing your BPD finding your post?

 

[zachira]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with your parents making bizarre mean accusations about your husband which have no merit whatsoever. It is understandable that you and your husband have different responses and solutions to your dilemma, as you are the daughter and he is the son-in-law. The most important thing is to respect each other's decisions regarding individual contact. Your husband can go no contact as he says he wants to do, and you can go low contact, as long as you establish the best boundaries you can, and you always have the option of going no contact for periods of time. As far as your children having contact with your parents, you and your husband will have to decide together what is best for your children. You may want to see a therapist to get help with making the best decisions for your children regarding contact with their grandparents, and to make sure your happy marriage is not irreparably damaged by your parents attempts to separate you.
You worry about your parents finding your post. I don't think that will happen, as I doubt they see themselves as being affected by borderline behaviors and would think of googling a site like this. It is understandably uncomfortable to be talking about your family on any website. This site is highly regarded, and you might want to google it and read what Wikipedia has to say about its long standing reputation. I feel very safe here, and that what I reveal stays here. I find the people who have responded to my posts to be compassionate and knowledgeable about these types of difficult situations with family members. Let us know what we can do to make you feel comfortable and how we can help.

[Turkish]

Unless your user name is what you use in real life,  they won't find you here.  Even if,  probably not.  5 years here and I've only seen it happen when members share the site,  or have their computers compromised.  You are safe 

What sticks out to me is your primary family: you,  husband,  child. You all have a right to be your own family, and the accusations are attacks that are off the wall,  yes?

[chickpea1]

Thank you so much for responding zachira and Turkish.  The tone on this site is so helpful and positive.  That is what pushed me to post.  I am trying not to triangulate the situation with my brother and he is really the only one who has understood the crazy.  I'm glad to find you guys!

Thankfully, I have a great support network and have a therapist and pastor on hand to help with some of these conflicts.  We are trying to be a "united front" to my parents but also balancing our different ideas- especially as related to the children.  I am also trying to take myself out of the middle, which I find nearly impossible.  This has been going on for over month without resolution. 

And yes, Turkish, the accusations are off the wall.  When I think about it though, it makes perfect sense.  When my dad could get me alone (or just with my mom) he has said things to me that are ridiculous including: life would be easier if my husband wasn't around, my husband and MIL were planning to kill me and collect my life insurance (he was "joking" of course), my husband will cheat on me, one of my close female friends (all close friends are a threat) is in love with me, that I live in squalor (I don't) and that it is my husbands fault, that my kids and I are afraid of my husband (we're not), that coyotes could attack my child in the yard (not kidding), all of my kids would eventually leave me, on and on and on.  All of these (and more) are NOT even the accusation he made against my husband.  So- I guess I should have seen this coming, no?

Again, just for clarity, my husband has done nothing wrong. He's a great dad and husband but he cannot be controlled and he gets in the way of my dad.  Just to cover our bases though, the T had me do the power and control wheel.  My husband had zero characteristics.  My dad had many.

[zachira]

Thank you for letting us know more about what is going on. I am wondering if I am understanding this correctly: Your father has always made completely untrue accusations against others, and for more than a month, his attacks have escalated to the point that you are under severe stress, and are experiencing behaviors that are even unusual for him. If this is true, it might help to talk to your father's doctor about your concerns and to get him a complete physical and mental health evaluation. I admire how you are supporting your family through this crisis, and trying to look at all possible ways to help your family get through this difficult time.

[Turkish]

Your father sounds threatened by you being a successful adult and your H being a decent man.  Shame at the core of BPD (and -NPD, though covered better) can explain a lot. 

[chickpea1]

Thanks both for your replies.  Zachira, most of those attacks have occurred under the past 6 months.  I am friendly, actually, with his doc so that may actually be a real option. 

As per usual, after the HUGE insane drama, my dad is acting normalish.  I'm trying to see them intermittently and have my kids see them under supervised circumstances.  My husband does not agree with this.  He feels that I don't care that he was so viciously attacked.  I do care but I don't care as much as I should.  I finally realized today that it is because I see him as an extension of myself and that, at some level, I think he should just take it.  That's what we do, right?  Just take it.  I am really battling significant anxiety and depression because now I am arguing with my husband AND ducking my parents.  We are in therapy and meeting with our pastor and we just cannot agree on how to proceed. 

I have not been able to be honest with my parents about how strongly my husband feels about this.  He wants them to move away and see them on holidays and graduations.  This will devastate my parents who are older and it makes me so sad. 

I have no idea how to navigate this.  I am convinced (more and more) that my dad has BPD.  He is just so entrenched and it seems normal to me. 

Thank you for listening to my venting.  I feel like there is no real way out of this.

[zachira]

I hear that you are really torn between what your husband wants and not wanting to hurt your parents. When dealing with the types of heartbreaking stressful problems you have been facing the past 6 months, it is normal to want to make the right decisions. Sometimes, there are no ideal decisions, and it can take time to figure out what are the better choices. It seems your husband wants a clear cut decision, which is just something you can't do at this point, because you also love and care for your parents. Please do find out what your father's doctor thinks, as there can be other explanations, both physical and mental, for your father's behavior, and having some feedback from his doctor, might help in making decisions that feel right for you and your husband. Take care and let us know how you are doing.

[Turkish]

As per usual, after the HUGE insane drama, my dad is acting normalish.  I'm trying to see them intermittently and have my kids see them under supervised circumstances.  My husband does not agree with this.  He feels that I don't care that he was so viciously attacked.  I do care but I don't care as much as I should.  I finally realized today that it is because I see him as an extension of myself and that, at some level, I think he should just take it.

The yellow is a significant insight.  You "take it" but even married,  your H is an independent entity.  This is tough to navigate. You take it because that's how you navigated your r/s with your dad all these years,  yes?

It sounds like your husband's validation target is what I highlighted first.  We talk here about validation a lot,  but it works on anybody.  Take a look at the Tools in the pull down in the green tab at the top of the site. The feature articles there are very helpful.  They can help with both H and your dad.  

It isn't your job to be a peacemaker for everybody,  even given Matthew 5:9, but you can be so without caving into everybody's demands on you.  It's very stressful.

When do you meet with your pastor?