hello - 22 years in and suddenly had a lightbulb moment

[StormySkies]

Hello - Several years back, my SIL began with yet another new therapist,  the new T suggested my MIL might have BPD.    MIL had been dx'd with bipolar and depression but is very, very clearly BPD.   SIL spoke to my husband at length about how all their messed childhood suddenly made sense and  the craziness that continues to this day.  SIL passed on reading that her T recommended to my H.   H never , to my knowledge,  read anything his sister recommended.    

At the time this transpired - we were living overseas and then on the opposite coast (military family).   Recently ,  we moved to the other coast,  about two hours from my MIL.   In the years past,  my FIL had died and now we have been told by the other sibling (not the one above) that she is moving away from MIL.   H anticipates having to travel more often to MIL to check on her or moving her closer to us.  

MIL is a very toxic person and anticipating the difficulties that lay ahead - I began to read the books suggested by SIL years ago.   My stomach began to churn as I realized MIL might not be the only BPD in my life.  

My own marriage had ten good years  (mostly,  we had problems but mostly they seemed related to the physical, mental , and emotional demands of being a dual military couple).    After I left the military,  my husband continued and was dx'd with combat PTSD and he has chronic pain from injuries sustained while in the military.    We had a child after a long battle with infertility.    And things began to get bad,  we had always had some serious issues but nothing like things were becoming after his retirement from the military and the becoming a father.   At the time - I ascribed everything to the PTSD and dutifully kept the home fires burning.   I began to get involved with online groups for spouses of combat vets - and while I realized that some of the things I was experiencing were common to these wives,  alot was not and began to suspect something much deeper,  something that when I was honest with myself had been there from day one.  

Reading the information about BPD,  I now am firmly convinced that not only does my MIL have it,  but my spouse very clearly does too.   Things get worse every year and I am terrified for the ramifications our future  as a family and a couple.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Red5]

StormySkies,

 

I would like to welcome you to this site, I hope that you will find it immensely helpful in your journey, this is a good and safe place to come and share, and as well learn.

I also only happened upon the phenomena of borderline personality disorder (BPD) only a little over a year ago myself, as I really had no clues for many years as to what has been happening in my own marriage.

There are many links that you will find here, so please explore and learn all you can.

I too am retired military, so I can certainly relate to your story.

Please continue to let us know how you are doing, as you learn more and more, and what is going on with you and your family as you navigate your way through this, please know that you are not alone in this,

Again, welcome !

Red5

[Mutt]

Hi StormySkies, 



I’d like to join Red5 and welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m glad that you have found us, there is hope.

I also only happened upon the phenomena of borderline personality disorder (BPD) only a little over a year ago myself, as I really had no clues for many years as to what has been happening in my own marriage.

Not many people are familiar with PD’s and they’re a subset in the psychology community. We can’t diagnose because we’re not professionals, only a professional can do that what we can look at are BPD traits. I was married to a woman with BPD traits and we seperated she was having an affair before she left and I didn’t know about BPD I’m not not a doctor, I made my way to a divorce forum before I found this one I can relate with you StormySkies you can half connect with the members and you don’t feel like you’re really going the same thing. You’re not alone.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome StormySkies,

I'm sorry you've had so many difficulties in both your MIL relationship and with your H. What BPD type behavior has your husband shown?

You've found a great place for healing and support. We have another board available for family members (in laws) with BPD that you may find helpful in working through MIL issues along with this board for your issues with your H.

How are you feeling about seeing htat your H may have BPD?

When your SIL was describing things to your H did he think any of the symptoms applied to him also?

[StormySkies]

When your SIL was describing things to your H did he think any of the symptoms applied to him also?

No, I don't think that he has that sort of self actualization.  For example - all his childhood, they were very poor,  and into his adulthood we have had to help both his parents and siblings many,many times with "loans" (never paid back).   When we were first married we were dual military living in base housing so even though we didn't make a lot on paper, our housing, medical and food was provided so it didn't bother him overmuch that we never saved any money, budgeted, or made an sort of plan for the future.    Even now - he makes a six figure income - but still refuses to not spend til its gone, live under any sort of plan or budget, see a financial planner to discuss retirement, etc.   He spends without any thought to the future, to self-soothe,  and as a way of making up.   He buys things for himself and our young daughter all the time that we neither want nor have a use for ,  gifts that I specifically ask him not to buy me electronics and expensive jewelry.     His mom spent all his parents money on beanie babies, porcelain dolls and crap that she would find and her hours and hours spent at walmart.  He can not see that they are both compulsive spenders because we always have enough to pay the mortgage and buy food and hsi mother/father, and siblings need to borrow from us.    He literally can not grasp that the behavior is the same,  we just make 5x  as much money as they do... .