Adult daughter suicidal and abusing alcohol

[iagirlsmom]

I'm new here, just created a profile. Our oldest (adult - 21/22 yr old) daughter just diagnosed with BPD after several suicide attempts, many ER visits and 2 inpatient psych ward committals.  She had to drop out of the last semester of college and will not be graduating in May with her class.  She refuses to quit drinking and isn't truthful with her Dr or therapist about her risky behavior. She is on many meds and has now started wetting the bed, apparently not due to being passed out but perhaps a result of the sleeping pills.  We never really know what's going on since she is an "adult", is unwilling to share information and we simply can't watch her 24/7.  She is home now with us but intends to return to the college town in a few weeks where all the "triggers" are; the drinking, promiscuity, the upsetting people and relationships, the boredom and loneliness.  All the ER visits, 911 calls, self harm, and suicide attempts happen there.  Every time.  Last hospitalization her bac was .329 when she downed a bottle of tylenol.  There is no reasoning with her and we are in a constant state of terror waiting for the next time she is unresponsive or the next call from the police or hospital.  She doesn't think she has a drinking problem and refuses to even talk about it.  We are living a nightmare.  I'm hoping to find some info here about some effective means of communicating with her and maybe some ideas for how we can deal with our constant worry and stress.  Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zachira]

You are terrified about what could happen to your daughter who is suicidal and abusing alcohol. You want to learn more about some effective ways to communicate with your daughter and how to deal with the constant worry and stress. Have you heard of motivational interviewing? It is a series of interventions that can be used by anybody to help alcoholics and drug addicts take responsibility for their behaviors. Motivational interviewing meets the person where they are in terms of motivation, and this includes not being motivated to do anything. It places the responsibility for change on the person who is abusing and it can be a tremendous source of relief for the professional or family member who applies it, because you are no longer in charge of their behavior, they are.
Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how we can help. There are many caring parents on this board who have been or are in situations with their children that are similar to yours, and understand a lot of what you are going through. You are not alone in your grief and distress about what is happening with your daughter.

[MomMae]

Hi iagirlsmom and welcome to the parents board... .we are so glad you found us, but oh, so sorry for what has brought you here.  I can understand how frightened you must be for your daughter, it is just too much for any parent to have to deal with.  What you are going through is so very scary and unfathomable to most parents... .but you have come to the right place for empathy and understanding.

So much of what you describe is so familiar to me, as we have been through it with our own dd21.  She almost missed graduating from college, too, as she was totally wrapped up with a strange guy that she had just met on the internet and nothing else mattered - not school, not money (she blew through thousands), not her health or reputation, and certainly not her family.  It was shocking and heartbreaking...   It culminated in her ending up in the hospital in restraints; it was horrible.  Our beautiful, sensitive daughter, out of control and in restraints... .  So please believe me when I say that I get it... .the other parents on this board get it.  We have all walked a similar dark and lonely path and we understand.  Please know that you can say anything that is on your mind here and we will listen, without judgement...

You mentioned that you are looking for some new ways of communicating with your daughter... .An excellent place to start is at the top right hand side of this page  under the title Family Connections ... .Under the heading "Tools" are links that I found (and find) invaluable in learning to better communicate with my daughter.

You are not alone in this, iagirlsmom.  I can assure you there are many, many wonderful parents who use this site, people who will be here for you, sharing their stories, listening to yours and supporting each other as best we can.  Welcome iagirlsmon - I hope we will hear more from you when you are feeling up to it.

  MM

[iagirlsmom]

Thank you for the replies.  I have not heard of motivational interviewing so I will google that and try it.  What is "dd" before someone's age?  One "d" is daughter I am assuming... but not sure the other.  Maybe there is a glossary in here and I will try to find it.  This message board format is new to me. 
I will also go to tools in the family connections area as suggested.  I hope to spend some time this weekend looking in here.
My daughters psychiatrist's office called yesterday to tell us that they will no longer treat her b/c she isn't being honest.  They recommend residential or inpatient only and don't think it is safe to treat her outpatient. Not sure why they can tell me that when all the other Drs can't tell us anything, but maybe daughter signed a form there and not the other places.  Anyway, I told them I don't think I should have to be the one to tell her that and that they really should.  They asked me to call back after the weekend.  Each ER visit the hospital tried to get to go residential and she wouldn't.  They successfully did some 24-48 hr holds but weren't willing to take it as far as an involuntary committal.  Now they say she would have to be in imminent danger to herself or others to start the process again.  So to get help, we have to wait for her to end up in the ER.  Makes no sense.
I am very sorry to hear about your daughter MomMae.  It does sound very similar.  I hope you are seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.  It does sound like she was able to graduate.  That is excellent news.