I am so done with this. There is no joy, only stress.

[renewmyspirit]

I am done with analyzing why he's like this or what I've done to deserve this. I just want out, and the sooner the better.

My lawyer said to sell the house. Well, he's been renovating it for our entire marriage and it is in no state to be sold right now. We will get considerably less than what we owe on the mortgage, but right now, I don't even care.

I want to move out and rent a place, but I will need to pay for this house and the place I live in because my husband has no money and no work. I don't want his non-payment to negatively affect my credit rating so I'm stuck and have to keep paying. I can do this for a while and use up all of my savings, but would that be worth it just to get out of here?

Part of me also feels bad because he is not going to be able to qualify for another place. He's self employed which is a big red X for potential landlords, and he has no funds to buy anything. He can absolutely have the whole house, I don't want any of it including the furniture, but he can't pay the mortgage and he freaks out every time I try to discuss anything with him.

I've tried helping him get work and nothing is coming up. Now his plan is to "buy as many houses as we can, fix them up and rent them out" ... .with what?

I am so done with this. But I am stuck and fear that this is how my life is going to stay. There is no joy, only stress.

[juju2]

You are in the right place    Welcome!

It sounds like you are defeated, and sad, fed up.

It gets better!

When I can find tools, take Self Care, big time, they don't affect me.

I had gotten so bad, was totally despondent and fed up.

I made decisions that really dont match my values.

I let myself get so sucked in to his disorder.  I was ill by that point.

By the grace of my higher power, I found this community.

Read hete, write here, learn.  There is huge help, understanding, care, available to you.

Many of us have been where you are.

This is a safe place.  You have done the best thing by sharing!

With caring and fondness,
j

[Cromwell]

try not to let emotion get the better of you when it comes to finances. it is understandable to want to just leave so badly that even the financial implications in the heat of the moment take less priority. if your lawyer suggested it to you, take their advice on board, it is an objective professional perspective and lawyers tend to be conservative when it comes to advice for fear of repercussions if things go wrong, they tend to err on the side of caution from my experience.

try to sell as quick as possible to valorise that capital. dont worry too much about making improvements, someone will buy it as a fixer-upper. just discount the price realistically below market value to reflect the improvements needed to carry out. youll need your reserves of cash to be able to go through with a sale which is often 5% of the sale value you can budget when you add everything in is a good rule of thumb.

i would dismiss the dreamy stuff he is talking about, sounds like future proofing to me.

good luck

[renewmyspirit]

Thank you both for your replies. You made good points. I need to learn more self care, which I do none of at the moment, and I need to learn to not get caught up in his moods, which has been very challenging for 20 years. I guess you are right about the lawyer's advice so I will stay put. For some reason my husband has forgotten all about us separating and he is planning things we will do together for summer holidays. I just want to have a different life without him and I don't know how that's going to happen. I had read "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" earlier this week and was on a high from that thinking things were finally going to change. And now I'm deeper into depression and frustration than I have been in a while. If you know of other helpful books, I would appreciate knowing what they are. I don't want any more that talk about him and his disorder. I think I need to learn how to build a life I love of my own regardless of what he's doing. I'm sick of our life always revolving around him and his needs and it's time I look after myself before this stress does me in.

[JNChell]

 

Hi, renewmyspirit! Welcome to bpdfamily! It sounds like you’re emotionally taxed at the moment. These relationships can be very stressful, and when you add financial burdens? Even worse. I feel you on that. Sometimes it’s necessary to make sacrifices for our own well being, and it appears that you’re struggling with this right now. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Rest assured that you’re in a safe place here. You’re surrounded by peers that are going through similar situations to your’s. We empathize and we hear you.

Obviously, you’re here because you suspect that your husband has BPD. Finding your way here is a good indicator of your suspicions. I’ve heard it said several times that we become detectives looking for answers in these situations. If you’re comfortable in doing so, can you describe some of your husband’s behaviors and the relationship dynamic between the two of you? This will give us a better insight into your situation and allow us to help you better.

I’m sorry that you had to find us in the way you have, but we’re glad you’re here with us, renewmyspirit.

[renewmyspirit]

Thanks for your message. It's actually not suspected BPD. That is the official diagnosis from one of his former psychiatrists.

I would rather not give specific examples of the things I've put up with over the years because reliving them just makes me upset. As for the relationship dynamic, basically I can't even have a regular conversation with him about something as mundane as the weather without him flying off the handle and then after that happens, I get to endure days of the silent treatment until he wants me to do something for him and then it's like nothing ever happened. Everything is just too overwhelming for him to deal with. Absolutely everything. Yes, I am a people pleaser/door mat so I contributed to this becoming acceptable behaviour in the relationship. I should have ran the other way when it first reared its head instead of marrying it.

Anyway I am stuck and cannot get out of this so I guess I should just accept it as what I deserve. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for on here.

[JNChell]

Hi, renewmyspirit!

I completely respect you only wanting to discuss what you’re comfortable with. That’s a good thing.

As for the relationship dynamic, basically I can't even have a regular conversation with him about something as mundane as the weather without him flying off the handle and then after that happens, I get to endure days of the silent treatment until he wants me to do something for him and then it's like nothing ever happened.
This sounds like control tactics. Would you agree with that?

Anyway I am stuck and cannot get out of this so I guess I should just accept it as what I deserve. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for on here.

renewmyspirit, why do you feel like you deserve such treatment? No one deserves to feel like that. None of us. You are in a very safe place here. You’re surrounded by peers that are going through situations very similar to yours. We all help and support each other here. That’s the great thing about this site.

It sounds like you would like to exit the relationship that you’re in, but you feel stuck there. What is keeping you stuck?

I'm not even sure what I'm looking for on here.
That’s ok. It’s simply good that you’re here. In your own time, and in your own way, you will get through this. We’re here if you need us. This place is open 24/7. Ya know, a good start might be to start reading other’s posts on here, and maybe even joining the discussion. Don’t be a stranger,renewmyspirit.

[renewmyspirit]

Yes, it feels like control tactics. He knows I hate confrontation and will back down. In the time we've been married, there have been three times where I've been so angry that I lost my mind and yelled at him only to have it come back on me with him being even meaner to me. Then it took me days to recover from my explosion because that is so out of character for my personality.

I feel I should just accept it because there were signs before we got married and I chose to ignore them. It's in "sickness and in health" so I should just learn to live with it. I wanted to be a good wife and I gave and gave and gave only to never have it reciprocated, not that that was my intention. The book I just read said "normal" people will give a little and see what the response is from the other person. Caregivers give and when they don't get a response they give some more because they don't think it was enough because if it was there would have been a response.

What's keeping me stuck is the house. It can't be sold in this state. We will lose money but I think what scares me more is he will be SO angry if I force the sale of it now. He won't have a place to go. I can't talk to him about normal stuff how can I bring up divorcing and selling the house right now? I can't believe this is my life.

There's more but I will save that for another time.

[JNChell]

In the time we've been married, there have been three times where I've been so angry that I lost my mind and yelled at him only to have it come back on me with him being even meaner to me.
By the way you describe it, this is definitely control and abuse.

What's keeping me stuck is the house. It can't be sold in this state. We will lose money but I think what scares me more is he will be SO angry if I force the sale of it now. He won't have a place to go. I can't talk to him about normal stuff how can I bring up divorcing and selling the house right now? I can't believe this is my life.

He’s not your responsibility. Are you familiar with FOG? Fear. Obligation. Guilt. This term is at the forefront of every BPD relationship. FOG is used as a weapon by those in our lives. Please, try this. In the bold lettered quote at the top of this reply, identity the fear, obligation & guilt . FOG is a projection, and projection is another means of control.

Think about you and your well being. Personally, would you be ok with losing money on the sale of the house if it meant you were moving forward in the direction that you want to?

[renewmyspirit]

I had not heard of FOG until you mentioned it. I think that happens often in my thinking about the relationship. I fear his reactions and him being mad at me. I feel obligated to do what he wants because I committed to him in this marriage. I feel guilty on the rare occasion I say 'no' to him and then I feel guilty about that and then fear his reaction so I go and do it anyway.

I just want to leave, just get out of here and then start divorce procedings when I'm gone. I can't handle to do that while I'm here. But I can't sign up and commit to paying for another place without knowing how this one is going to end up. Maybe if I leave and he knows he can't pay for this it will force him to get a cosigner. Who I have no idea. I sat there tonight after he spoke angrily to me for no reason and then endured hism ignoring me for the rest of the night and thought 'is this actually how you want to live?'

I wish I knew what I wanted and had the nerve to make it happen. If I stay I will be retired and regretting that I didn't bite the bullet now and move on. Sigh.

[JNChell]

Hi, renewmyspirit!

I just wanted to check in with you and see how you’re feeling. Have there been any new developments that you’d like to share? I hope you’ve been able to find some peace where you’re able. I’m also curious if you’ve done much reading on this site and if you have any questions we can help you with. Let us know how you’re doing, renewmyspirit.

[Skip]

I wish I knew what I wanted and had the nerve to make it happen. If I stay I will be retired and regretting that I didn't bite the bullet now and move on. Sigh.

Take a deep breath.

If you don't leave this week, that doesn't mean you are assigned to live there forever. There are other options. You sound very down and that often comes with some distorted thinking. You can survive this.

Do you have a family, children? Do you have living parents?

BTW, what did you read in Margalis' book that gave you hope?