How do I reply without JADEing

[Depression = 72% of members]

Quick set up

uBPDh has been told he needs to carry on with activities without me if my kids who are not his need me.
He had his fit and then leveled off
Recently we have been talking about the possible adventures we can have riding our motorcycles. I haven’t gone out much in the past years so I am going to make more of an effort to this summer. It doesn’t change that my lids who are struggling will come first and my plans will probably get changed more often than not. Which I had already established with him.

But my hopeful talk has been taken as how it will be   
I noticed in his words today so I made mention that I hope my plans don’t get cancelled to often as a reminder.

Sure enough he had put the standing policy aside and is now ranting all sorts of things.
So I want to validate his disappointment but how do I not explain or justify that I never said the original arrangement no longer applies.

To a non I would remind them of our previous agreement and apologize that my words were misinterpreted but how do I reply to all of the letting down. Not keeping my word. Untrustworthy accusations

I know I don’t address those statements.

What do I say

Thank you
CTH

[ClingToHope]

Quick set up

uBPDh has been told he needs to carry on with activities without me if my kids who are not his need me.
He had his fit and then leveled off
Recently we have been talking about the possible adventures we can have riding our motorcycles. I haven’t gone out much in the past years so I am going to make more of an effort to this summer. It doesn’t change that my lids who are struggling will come first and my plans will probably get changed more often than not. Which I had already established with him.

But my hopeful talk has been taken as how it will be   
I noticed in his words today so I made mention that I hope my plans don’t get cancelled to often as a reminder.

Sure enough he had put the standing policy aside and is now ranting all sorts of things.
So I want to validate his disappointment but how do I not explain or justify that I never said the original arrangement no longer applies.

To a non I would remind them of our previous agreement and apologize that my words were misinterpreted but how do I reply to all of the letting down. Not keeping my word. Untrustworthy accusations

I know I don’t address those statements.

What do I say

Thank you
CTH

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[pearlsw]

Hi ClingtoHope,

Can you please write a bit out how the conversation went and how he replied so we can all take a look and see what we can offer?

This stuff is not easy and takes a lot of practice! Perhaps boundaries are also an issue? Perhaps you unintentionally expressed this in a way that sounded like a threat because you are trying to hold your ground around the issue regarding your kids?

with compassion, pearl.

[ClingToHope]

Hi ClingtoHope,

Can you please write a bit out how the conversation went and how he replied so we can all take a look and see what we can offer?

This stuff is not easy and takes a lot of practice! Perhaps boundaries are also an issue? Perhaps you unintentionally expressed this in a way that sounded like a threat because you are trying to hold your ground around the issue regarding your kids?

with compassion, pearl.

I will do my best it wasn’t a single conversation

Things at home are tense because of my kids needs (they are 16 & 18) and he does not have the same ideas on how to raise kids.
The boundaries I have put in place over the last year are that most of our fun times are a last minute thing. Last summer he would get very upset and angry if I had to cancel or postpone.
Mostly because he had to put off the things he’s been waiting to do when his kids grew up. (They are 20 & 22)
So we came to an agreement that he plans his fun and I will join when I can.
He wasn’t happy about that and it was an ordeal for awhile because he likes to be glued to my hip.
Lately we have been talking about the upcoming biking season (last 2 Years I couldn’t ride much)
We have talked about him going on his rides for a while and now that the season is approaching I have been talking about how anxious I am to get riding.
How I hope to ride more and that it should be really fun when we can.

Today I was talking about the stuff that I’m dealing with my kids and he comeneted that we just need to get riding and it will be better.
I mentioned that I’m excited to but when I do get out there will probably be extra stuff to do with my kids  to make up for my absence. (Which is normal for me when I do any of my personal fun stuff ) so the riding will be great but it may be stressful to go sometimes (he used to pressure me and guilt me often in the past when I couldn’t go)
So got upset and accused me of getting his hopes up.
That I was making it seem like he wouldn’t have to do his riding alone and now I’m backing out
I said it’s not any different than what we talked about he said I was talking about it like we were gonna be able to do lots and now I’m ting on him for making a comment about getting away from stress with our rides.

After that we had to stop talking. Work was starting. So I got many texts about letting him down and then minimizing my stresses (tho I can see he was trying to “problem solve” them in a way)

I didn’t reply to them

At lunch we spoke and I told him I read his texts and that we could talk more this evening. He was pouting and said whatever.

I got a few texts about how blown away he is and how he just wants to go away and be swallowed up.

Then he came home went straight to bed. Which I’m ok with and I went up and said hello in a pleasant tone and he replied in one as well which is rare so I know he’s trying.
I invited him down and he said no so I kissed him and let him be.

It breaks my heart that the conversation this morning can wreck his whole day and put him in turmoil. (At least I understand where it’s coming from now)

But how do I use dare to remind him that I never said things had changed as far as our fun time and that I was expressing my hopes ect. Without me justifying or explaining.

Thanks for any help

[ArleighBurke]

Of course a BPD wants you there - you not going with him (or cancelling last minute) is a form of abandonment. He would also feel that you are choosing your kids over him.

Difficult Question #1:
Your kids are 16/18. What is it that regularly happens where they "need you" at short notice? If you have a bike ride planned with your partner, then can't they wait? Not to be cruel - but is this you having poor boundaries (having to rush home to your adult kids for an "emergency"?). Also, why do you have to do "extra stuff to do with my kids  to make up for my absence" - how/why do they not let you have your own time?

Difficult Question #2
"The boundaries I have put in place over the last year are that most of our fun times are a last minute thing."
What does this mean? A boundary is a thing you do to protect yourself, not a requirement on his behaviour. Your boundary may be "I will not commit to an event more than 24hrs in advance" - this is all about YOU which is OK. But why have this boundary? Again - what is it about your kids that requires you to be at their whim? I would have thought the OPPOSITE boundary would be more understandable - "I will not commit to an event LESS than 24hrs in advance" - that would allow you to plan your life, and to have your kids KNOW what you are doing and when you are unavailable... .

[ClingToHope]

Of course a BPD wants you there - you not going with him (or cancelling last minute) is a form of abandonment. He would also feel that you are choosing your kids over him.

Difficult Question #1:
Your kids are 16/18. What is it that regularly happens where they "need you" at short notice? If you have a bike ride planned with your partner, then can't they wait? Not to be cruel - but is this you having poor boundaries (having to rush home to your adult kids for an "emergency"?). Also, why do you have to do "extra stuff to do with my kids  to make up for my absence" - how/why do they not let you have your own time?

These are very reasonable questions.
In the last year and half both girls have been struggling with mental health issues of their own
My 18yr was hospitalized for suicide and is out and doing better but is “lazy” about maintains her meds and schedule. While she is in school I am prepared to help her get on top of things. Yes I am also prepared to let her be on her own once she’s done. We are working closely with her therapist to make this happen
My 16 yr old is the more needy one she has been struggling with anxiety for years and in the last year has had multiple concussions and her anxiety has become parilizing at times.
I also have her in therapy and things are slowly improving
often when I have plans with my H they get disrupted because of the kids.

Difficult Question #2
"The boundaries I have put in place over the last year are that most of our fun times are a last minute thing."
What does this mean? A boundary is a thing you do to protect yourself, not a requirement on his behaviour. Your boundary may be "I will not commit to an event more than 24hrs in advance" - this is all about YOU which is OK. But why have this boundary? Again - what is it about your kids that requires you to be at their whim? I would have thought the OPPOSITE boundary would be more understandable - "I will not commit to an event LESS than 24hrs in advance" - that would allow you to plan your life, and to have your kids KNOW what you are doing and when you are unavailable... .

It’s a boundry for me because he would rage for days when I wouldn’t commit to stuff or when I had to change plans I would be bombarded with insults of unreliability and disloyalty ect.
This has been working in that any plans made he has to be mentally prepared they could be cancelled. It has lessened the outrage.
If it’s not called a boundry I apologize but for me it was necessary to stop the constant need to justify why I think it’s needed.

As his symptoms have come out stronger during this time understandably I can not juggle the mental health of 3 people. I triode. I was loosing my own mind
So I had to make it clear my priority is my kids first.
When he’s level he gets that
So the issue I’m having is when i talk about what I will hope will happen I know that my plans may get foiled and I assumed he would remember that too but he never does when he’s not level it seems.
So I those cases how do I remind him of how it has to be right now.