Hi ClingtoHope,
Can you please write a bit out how the conversation went and how he replied so we can all take a look and see what we can offer?
This stuff is not easy and takes a lot of practice! Perhaps boundaries are also an issue? Perhaps you unintentionally expressed this in a way that sounded like a threat because you are trying to hold your ground around the issue regarding your kids?
with compassion, pearl.
I will do my best it wasn’t a single conversation
Things at home are tense because of my kids needs (they are 16 & 18) and he does not have the same ideas on how to raise kids.
The boundaries I have put in place over the last year are that most of our fun times are a last minute thing. Last summer he would get very upset and angry if I had to cancel or postpone.
Mostly because he had to put off the things he’s been waiting to do when his kids grew up. (They are 20 & 22)
So we came to an agreement that he plans his fun and I will join when I can.
He wasn’t happy about that and it was an ordeal for awhile because he likes to be glued to my hip.
Lately we have been talking about the upcoming biking season (last 2 Years I couldn’t ride much)
We have talked about him going on his rides for a while and now that the season is approaching I have been talking about how anxious I am to get riding.
How I hope to ride more and that it should be really fun when we can.
Today I was talking about the stuff that I’m dealing with my kids and he comeneted that we just need to get riding and it will be better.
I mentioned that I’m excited to but when I do get out there will probably be extra stuff to do with my kids to make up for my absence. (Which is normal for me when I do any of my personal fun stuff ) so the riding will be great but it may be stressful to go sometimes (he used to pressure me and guilt me often in the past when I couldn’t go)
So got upset and accused me of getting his hopes up.
That I was making it seem like he wouldn’t have to do his riding alone and now I’m backing out
I said it’s not any different than what we talked about he said I was talking about it like we were gonna be able to do lots and now I’m ting on him for making a comment about getting away from stress with our rides.
After that we had to stop talking. Work was starting. So I got many texts about letting him down and then minimizing my stresses (tho I can see he was trying to “problem solve” them in a way)
I didn’t reply to them
At lunch we spoke and I told him I read his texts and that we could talk more this evening. He was pouting and said whatever.
I got a few texts about how blown away he is and how he just wants to go away and be swallowed up.
Then he came home went straight to bed. Which I’m ok with and I went up and said hello in a pleasant tone and he replied in one as well which is rare so I know he’s trying.
I invited him down and he said no so I kissed him and let him be.
It breaks my heart that the conversation this morning can wreck his whole day and put him in turmoil. (At least I understand where it’s coming from now)
But how do I use dare to remind him that I never said things had changed as far as our fun time and that I was expressing my hopes ect. Without me justifying or explaining.
Thanks for any help