I feel as if I am falling into pieces and I can't even go NC as we have kids

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am struggling, the past few days have been the worst yet. My wife (ex) is moving out of our house this week and I am moving back in. I had a panic attack the other night for the first time ever. I feel as if I am falling into pieces I can't even go NC as we have kids together. She called yesterday as was acting like my best friend because she needed me to do something for her but has been vile to me the past few weeks like I was nothing below nothing even. This is the worst I have ever felt in my life. I think it may because it is all becoming reality!

This woman was my world and even 2 weeks before the split she was saying that she wanted us to go on holiday together next year without the kids and that she loved me. I am hurting, depressed and have been suicidal at points it feels like there is no way out. The mornings seem to be worse. waking up without her in another house at 5 am every morning and sitting with my own thoughts until I have to try and motivate myself to get to work. My head is going overtime and I do believe she has been seeing someone else which is making it worse.

I know I have a long road ahead and I am trying to see some light but it is difficult, I cant focus this week on much apart from thoughts of her and the amazing times we had. The hurt this is causing is catastrophic to my kids and me. Over the course of time, we cut contact with a lot of my friends and my support network is now very small. All she wanted was us and the kids. I feel like I am in limbo right now I know when I get back in the house it will be good when I have my kids but I am dreading being on my own there.  I am trying my hardest to be strong but I am cracking piece by piece. A lot of things are clearer in one way now and I see that I was giving far too much and not receiving from her. I would also not get confrontational with her and tiptoe around her trying to do everything right so she would be happy. That will never be happening again but I need to play the game for another few weeks until I can get the house back and my kids start coming regularly.

This place had been amazing and has made a lot of things much clearer in my head, it also lets me know i am not alone in this nightmare of a situation.  

[Agentblu]

I am struggling, the past few days have been the worst yet. My wife (ex) is moving out of our house this week and I am moving back in. I had a panic attack the other night for the first time ever. I feel as if I am falling into pieces I can't even go NC as we have kids together. She called yesterday as was acting like my best friend because she needed me to do something for her but has been vile to me the past few weeks like I was nothing below nothing even. This is the worst I have ever felt in my life. I think it may because it is all becoming reality!

This woman was my world and even 2 weeks before the split she was saying that she wanted us to go on holiday together next year without the kids and that she loved me. I am hurting, depressed and have been suicidal at points it feels like there is no way out. The mornings seem to be worse. waking up without her in another house at 5 am every morning and sitting with my own thoughts until I have to try and motivate myself to get to work. My head is going overtime and I do believe she has been seeing someone else which is making it worse.

I know I have a long road ahead and I am trying to see some light but it is difficult, I cant focus this week on much apart from thoughts of her and the amazing times we had. The hurt this is causing is catastrophic to my kids and me. Over the course of time, we cut contact with a lot of my friends and my support network is now very small. All she wanted was us and the kids. I feel like I am in limbo right now I know when I get back in the house it will be good when I have my kids but I am dreading being on my own there.  I am trying my hardest to be strong but I am cracking piece by piece. A lot of things are clearer in one way now and I see that I was giving far too much and not receiving from her. I would also not get confrontational with her and tiptoe around her trying to do everything right so she would be happy. That will never be happening again but I need to play the game for another few weeks until I can get the house back and my kids start coming regularly.

This place had been amazing and has made a lot of things much clearer in my head, it also lets me know i am not alone in this nightmare of a situation.  

[heartandwhole]

Agentblu,

I’m so sorry that you are struggling right now. It is really tough to face the reality that your relationship is breaking up for good. I can fully understand waking up and feeling terrible.   I used to wake up and wish I was dreaming.

Are you moving back into the family home—did I understand that right? If so, can you do some renovations/decor changes to make it more “new” so that you won’t be flooded with memories of your life together?

Hang in there. This part can feel shattering. The only way out is through. It will get better. We’re here for you.

heartandwhole

[Agentblu]

Thank you, fortunately, the home is owned by my father and I have lived there for a long time before my wife moved in. So she cant take that away from me which is one thing. we have made a lot of changes to it together. I will make my own changes in time. It's really hard as we have just got a lot of it looking really good and she had me redecorate the kitchen and my son's room only a few weeks ago which makes me laugh. I am frightened of what my kids and I will walk into on Friday when I get back in as I don't know what she is taking although she is playing the victim and getting her family to buy her lots of things instead of taking stuff from the house. I told her she could take all of the children's stuff and whatever she needed and I would replace it  , it is easier for her to play the victim in this and paint me black so she won't feel the guilt   .

I know somewhere deep down I am better off with her out of my life and it is early days at the moment. I will heal but ripping her out of me is going to take a lot of time and heartache only on my side though she is already over it. I spoke to my good friend this morning which helped me out of a hole but I still have a pain in my chest that does not seem to go away at the moment and a feeling of dread like 1000 tonnes on me.

Thank you for taking the time to reply    I will be focussing on me a lot more once i am back in the house.

[Rinzler]

Sorry to hear about your struggle. Try at least a half hour workout in the morning heavy weights or strong cardio.  :)ont let up on this at all. Redigest her, resummarize your memories and experiences w her thru a different shade of glasses. After reading around here you should see these crappy individuals share just about the same traits and patterns. She is a manipulative malevolent conniving beast. Its time to re evaluate and see the actress for who she is... .and empty shallow shell interested in entertaining strictly her pathetic impulses at whatever moment.  Will completely stop at nothing and respect nothing so expect the absolute worst... .in many cases even chasing a friend.

Do your best to outfox it all psychologically since you know u cannot go no contact.  :)etach from her emotionally. She is the enemy you keep closer to you. And always was u just didnt notice before. Stop giving your feelings that offer her sentiments or talk you out of despising her and energy, this is a LIE. She is to be despised 100%.  But you need to learn to manipulate her now instead while always despising. Play chess w her forever more and never let your guard down. Be two moves ahead of this demon as often as possible and slowly chip away if you can at getting the kids from under her.  Start to collect hard evidence as often as you can.  Make a plan based around her habits and get the kids if you can. But always be sneaky and hide how much you despise her.  Make a strong plan stick to it. And undermine that sick sob!

[Agentblu]

Thank you, Rinzler

I will be just doing that my friend told me this morning you need to win at this breakup, be strong, workout and concentrate on being the best dad you can. This is what I intend on doing and I already have learned lessons from this. I will play her at her own game. She called again this morning as she needs childcare next week when she is at work and wanted me to ask my dad I just agreed and did it but not for her. Mental Health Recovery  of course, she would choose that profession it makes me laugh a lot now. Trying to fix the world but not her own, I also know from meeting most of her friends that work there that they all have issues with substance abuse, sex addiction and failed relationships.  Before i would have hated someone talking about her like that but now it is all becoming glaringly obvious.

Thank you. Onwards and upwards.

[Panda39]

No you can't go no contact because of the kids, but I wanted to suggest communicating via email, instead of text/phone... .try taking the contact down to a lower level.

Email slows things down.  It allows you to read her messages when you are ready to do so, it takes out some of the emotion (FOG) so you can see what is being said more clearly, it also gives you documentation should you need it later.

Read the message... .does she want you to do something for her?  (I don't know your whole story) But if you are separated you are no longer responsible for doing things for her, she should be responsible for herself, she is an adult.  But if it's something you want to do then do it... .but watch or FOG... .anyway, respond using BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) in other words keep the response short, sweet and to the point, try not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) that will only lead you down the drama path.

Is the message half Agentblu bashing and about getting the kids to the dentist, only respond to the portion about the kids.  If the message is all about bashing you ignore it... .don't feed the drama.

Using email also keeps your kids from hearing disagreements you might have over the phone.  My SO's uBPDxw tried to say that their arguments were affecting their kids... .Oh, really how did they know about the arguments when we communicate only through email? (My SO had parental alienation going on during his divorce)

Email communication only is a boundary, so she may escalate things... .things might get worse before they get better (Extinction Burst), but if you stick with it she will soon learn that the only way you will communicate with her is via email, so she will use it.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Agentblu]

Thanks, Panda,

I may well do that once things are a little settled and I am back in the house, I have to see my solicitor soon as well so that I get my ass covered. She has signed a separation agreement and it has been witnessed but it is not registered yet.