Being damaged sexually by our partners...

[Will2Power]

I haven’t seen many posts about being damaged sexually from our NPDs/BPDs. Not from sexual violence necessarily, just from the odd behaviors. I’ll explain more- maybe this resonates for others... .maybe not. It’s been on my mind lately, and it’s making me angry. I’m at the anger stage, new in the last month or so now. It’s full forced and I’m dealing with that through intense exercise AND intense therapy. Also, I apologize for the fact that I am bringing up sex... .like I hope I’m not breaking any board rules. That would be humiliating, and I apologize in advance. But... .I need help, and no one understands. I have no one else to refer to, so here we go:

At first, the sex was the best of my life. He made sure I was satisfied and that was new for me. The men I’ve slept with in the past, even serious boyfriends, there was a ton of apathy. So this was a nice change of pace, and it felt like he genuinely cared about my happiness. As the relationship progressed, and things got darker, he was very insistent that we don’t have sex. I didn’t take this personally, because I know I am attractive. (Not in a narcissist way haha- I just felt beautiful regardless.) He said that the closeness scared him. That it felt good, and he wanted to, but it was threatening to him. Mind you, at first, it was all sex, all the time. I didn’t leave him or judge him, or berate him about this. I tried to be an understanding partner, as would many of us I’m sure.

Here is how things turned manipulative: after pretty much agreeing to keep things platonic and non-sexual, we would have a great day, maybe a few drinks, and HE would initiate sex. I would NEVER initiate sex because I knew that the closeness frightened him a ton. Or so he said... .

Anyway, him initiating it was fine with me. He would, I would comply, and we would have great, intense, passionate sex, and then after it, he  was always seemingly so happy. He would want to cuddle, kiss, be close. We would seemingly reach this whole other level in our relationship!

Note: We slept in the same bed almost every night but didn’t touch or kiss or cuddle. We would say “I love you” and sleep, but we would rarely be physically affectionate. I respected this boundary HE set up. I told him so, but said that when he felt ready, that I game for the sex. ONLY when he felt ready. So I was fine with waiting... .but maybe three days later after we would have sex, he would come to me about how much he regretted it, and how he had to imagine that I was cheating on him in order to orgasm... .or that he really didn’t orgasm... .All sorts of different things from the actual event and the vibe I was certain that I picked up on.

A few times after sex, maybe a day or so later, he would sometimes accuse me of being predatory, and would say how he felt forced into it. Honestly, at the time, this made me feel so insecure and bad. I felt like I raped him, even though HE initiated the sex and then proceeded to REALLY get into it. I began to feel like this creepy rapist partner to him... .it really shut a part of me down. I think it was mostly the trust factor: the incongruence between his facial expressions, his passion, ummm his ERECTION, and then days later, flipping the script.


 I tried soo hard to make sure he felt safe with the physical affection, but I know now that I was manipulated into feeling down about myself- really on a whole other level. If you can begin to imagine what being in this situation did to me... .ugh.

I think NOW, that he had to knock me down a few pegs, because he was very, very jealous. I was constantly accused of “loving attention” if we walked down the street and a man checked me out or cat called. As if it was MY FAULT. He constantly called me a whore, even though I remained faithful to him throughout the bouts of no physical intimacy. *sigh*.

I guess I’m really angry because I want to meet someone new, and have sex again... .but it is hard to trust someone’s body and facial expressions now. Even what they are VERBALLY telling me. What he was “giving off” during, was 100% the opposite days later... .it was very disheartening, and I believe intentional. He always used to give me a problem about posting “sexy” pictures to Facebook/Instagram/etc, so I stopped that. He said it hurt so bad when random guys would like the picture. Sexy is subjective, but then it started becoming even written Facebook STATUES that were problematic too. I think it goes back to attempting to isolate me really. I’m just realizing this now as I type it. Wow... .I think that this was ALL part of the mental breaking down he wanted... .

... .but I’m very sad that I have such aversions to trusting someone sexually now.

I wonder how we combat this, and if anyone else had these kinds of manipulative experiences. One moment, everything was perfect and passionate. The next moment, you are being raged at an accused of taking advantage of someone. God, I promise I never did... .I thought what we were doing together was making love. It SEEMED like that. It FELT like that. He EXPRESSED that in so so many ways. Even during, there was verbals that made me trust him. All for it to be turned around time and time again... .I feel so lost as a young women now. He uprooted my sex life at first, all to break me down in the end. He wasn’t “just not into sex” he mastubated a lot. We would joke about him getting caught at work. I was totally understanding of his fears of getting too close to me... .but when we would be close, I was manipulated after, and it is more scaring than one would think.

I did notice a pattern, and once when he did initiate it, I stopped him and made a thing of it. Like asking if it was truly permissible or not. And he brushed it off, and eagerly went at it. AND STILL I WAS MADE INTO THE RAPIST DAYS LATER. Anyway, it’s hard to fathom how I can be getting both the green light, and then the accusations simultaneously.

I actually have been raped. My first time... .and he knows that. He denounced it to being my fault for ever getting into the guys car. I was 15 then. The point being, I would never put someone through that pain and suffering.

I am very frustrated, very scared, and very confused.

[juju2]

Welcome, you are in the right place!

Topic is also fine.

There is experience here, strength, hope.

We also had issues regarding sex, after the love bombing stage, it was around him not being able to climax, even after 35-45 minutes, and what happened w me, I was feeling bad that i couldnt please him.

we were together 10 yrs, apart now 1year, still talking... .not sure what will happen... .
My story is here, posts since last yr.

I think the sexual stuff was an outgrowth of the general state of our relationship problems... .

Me not knowing tools, information regarding BPD.

And he is very high functioning, so I think I didn't believe he could have it half the time.

Read here,and read here, some more.  Lots of caring, experienced people on this site.

be good to yourself,

juju

[icky]

Hi : )

I had similar issues of feeling like I was somehow "raping" or "molesting" him despite it being the absolute opposite.

I wrote about it in this thread the other day:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=323398.0

It's all soo confusing and back to front, isn't it?

I'm sorry to hear how much it's affected you.

[Will2Power]

We also had issues regarding sex, after the love bombing stage, it was around him not being able to climax, even after 35-45 minutes, and what happened w me, I was feeling bad that i couldnt please him.

Thank you for your kind words and validation. Bless you.

 And we had that issue as well... .I truly wonder what the reason behind it is, as I know he would be able to finish alone, as well as when we first met. It’s hard to not take that personal. I wonder if the closeness/fear of abandonment is the main factor of it all but I suppose it is different across the board.

[Will2Power]

Hi : )

I had similar issues of feeling like I was somehow "raping" or "molesting" him despite it being the absolute opposite.

I wrote about it in this thread the other day:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=323398.0

It's all soo confusing and back to front, isn't it?

I'm sorry to hear how much it's affected you.

I am going to read your thread too. Thanks icky <3

This validation does wonders for me right now. I feel less confused and alone already.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Will2Power,

Sexuality is a big part of romantic relationships, and it is definitely a theme that features prominently in many of the relationships we talk about here with pwBPD. So, posting about sexuality in the context if your specific experience is a valid and welcome topic.

We even have a workshop about the subject here.

I am very frustrated, very scared, and very confused.

I'm sorry you feel that way. It's very understandable, given what you've shared.

I can relate to the switch from over-the-top desire to "this is very, very wrong (even abusive/inappropriate)." It happened in my relationship, too. And it floored me.

I don't know if this will apply to your situation, but I just thought I'd share something that helped me recover from the abrupt changes that I encountered in my relationship.

I hear you saying that these "radical turnabouts" were done with the intent to manipulate you. That may be the case. But in my experience, I didn't feel like there was anything intentional in his sudden switches—it was clear that he was in the throes of BPD symptoms, where his reality was different than it was 24 hours ago. He truly believed that what he felt in the moment was THE Truth. A day or days later, he would often be able to see that his "truth" had been distorted and his feelings had changed back to what they were before.

So, what I'm saying is that often the feeling of the moment is what is true for a pwBPD, and there is no need to "plan" that. It just is. Then, moments to days later, feelings change again, and so does reality—for as long as that feeling lasts.

I think it's one of the hardest things I ever had to wrap my head around. The pwBPD I was involved with was very self-aware and articulate about his experience, so I learned a lot. Of course, each person is unique and individual, but I found it very helpful to understand that he really, really believed that what he was feeling in the moment was his deepest truth.

heartandwhole

[icky]

I am going to read your thread too. Thanks icky <3

Hey : )

Sorry, I should've worded that more clearly... .The thread was started by someone else and is actually about pwBPD having sex addiction. I only wrote one post, saying that my experience with my ex was the opposite. Hope you still find it useful.

[icky]

I think it's one of the hardest things I ever had to wrap my head around. The pwBPD I was involved with was very self-aware and articulate about his experience, so I learned a lot. Of course, each person is unique and individual, but I found it very helpful to understand that he really, really believed that what he was feeling in the moment was his deepest truth.

Hi : )

I was really interested to read this. Did your ex *know* that he had BPD? Did you *know*?
Was he getting treatment for BPD?
Or did you both just realise he had "major issues"?

[heartandwhole]

Hi : )

I was really interested to read this. Did your ex *know* that he had BPD? Did you *know*?
Was he getting treatment for BPD?
Or did you both just realise he had "major issues"?

Yes, we both knew. He was diagnosed, in treatment, and I had never heard of the disorder. 

[CryWolf]

Hey I've experienced something similar. The sex was amazing at first. Sorry if TMI. We completed each other's fantasies and she told me she was never so sexual until she met me. She would even initiate sex at the most craziest places (classrooms, dinner table with family, etc). At times during sex she would cry. I would think it was due to it hurting a bit for her which was true. But then looking back, I also think it may have resurfaced some old trauma as a child. As i suspect and my therapist she may have experienced some form of sexual abuse as a child, as most pBPD do unfortunately.

Then months later she started telling me she was never a sexual person, and she's asexual. And how she only gave me sex to make me happy and my needs. Other times she made me feel like a monster or all i wanted was sex or just with her for sex. calling me a "typical guy".

Of course I went out my way, and put her needs first. told her sex didnt matter, and i loved her. made her feel safe as much as i could.

[kleptoz28]

The sex with my ex was always great, but she had some kinks that she got me used to that are a little bit out there.

She loved to be choked, and got a thrill out of sex in public (usually in the car, but sometimes in a park or a stairwell secluded in a public place)

It's almost ruined the thought of going back to mundane sex for me.