New here: he constantly hurts me emotionally and I feel like I am going crazy

[Hopefully Doomed]

Hello friends,

I have been in a marriage for almost 10years with a man the I have now come to believe may have BPD. We have to bright beautiful girls aged 3 and 5.  The last 10+ years have been starting with unconditional love, kindness,  amazing, hopeful with a bright future ahead  to confusing, sad, Roller coaster, crazy inducing, numb and scarey at times, now more frequently scarey and far from amazing almost void of love.

The things that I have normalized and accepted in my relationship are things I never thought I could tolerate yet I accept them consistently by allowing the person who should treat me best treat me the worst and make me feel bad about myself. My husband is constantly criticizing me, pointing out my flaws (some true some not), high conflict person that does not allow me to walk away for a fight/argument , can fight for hours at Any Given time, what always feels like the worst time.

Our marriage was plagued with intense emotional drama over seemingly nothing at all, like world ending type fights over something I could not even remember a few days post. I have grown very numb and distant over the years. I spent so long confused and scared. I am still confused and scared. Those two words sum me up in a nutshell with my husband.

He can be sweet and kind and thoughtful and is responsible for the most part. But he hurts me emotionally constantly and I feel like I am going crazy! And like I am trapped. I am often nervous and scared to get into Any arguemwnt with him about anything so I try my best to be easy going and to let things go, but at the same time I have strong morals and beliefs and don't allow him to push my limits sometimes, which always results in world war 3 arguements because I am foolishly fighting for what I believe is right and good and just. But most of the time I avoid it, but he pokes at me until he pushes me to respond and he reacts and so on.

Our marriage was so bad in 2016 that we lived apart for a month and I started to see a therapist to help our marriage (by myself) off an on. I recently had a session with her and she suggested I look into BPD as my husband sounded emotionally unstable and seemed to check many boxes like viewing people as black and white.

He cut my parents out of his life in after 1 blowout after we lived with them in their basement apartment for 8 yrs. he blames me for everything from my shortcomings to my kids to how poorly people perceive me and him, and for everything bad in his life down to him not liking the person he is. I have told him that he needs to control his anger and it's always met with "if you listen and do what I say then I won't get angry" and that's that.

He refuses to ever think or conceive the idea that he has a problem that is not caused by me that he should get help for. He says I cause him to be like angry so I should be the one to fix myself or see a therapist alone. He says I am disrespectful constantly and no matter what I do I always seem to fall under that label I.e. Because I walk away when he's raging or beginning to fight in front of the kids, than he says I am teaching the children to be disrespectful to him, then in the future if the kids are ever rude to him it's my fault.

I am scared that any end everything will be held against me whether a good deed or a bad one, wether good intended or not (I am always good intended). I am overall a very positive person who used to be strong and confident and now I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. He is constanlty misinterpreting me for the worst, views everything through a nevative lense, is now distant from my parents and only sister, says he feels empty inside and is bored of the regular daily routine.

Overall I am utterly exhausted and don't know how long I can endure this torture, counfusion, and lack of confidence. I feel like I am filled with more anxiety and nervousness. There seems to be no end to this madness but I am hopeful in learning about BPD and how I can regain who I am, understand his cray messed up world, and stay married to the father of my children and keep our family from crumbling. I don't think I will ever get an official diagnosis because he will never see someone about himself.

I just keep reading and think that he does have BPD. Before I just thought he was a narcissist but now I think he is both BPD and narcissistic. I need to establish boundaries to our fights and follow through. Not sure what to do these days, I am always hopeful and optimistic, but I seem to be optimistically doomed.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Ramesses35083]

You are not alone! I have been dealing with a BPD partner for 25 years and share all the same emotions that you have had. It is devastating to one's self-esteem. There are times when everything is great, but I have found that the episodes of rage do damage that is irreparable. In my case, the episodes of rage are coming more frequently and are often more intense than they were in the past. They seem to just get worse with time. Sadly, I suspect you will have the same experience as me.

There is no easy answer, but there is a lot of comfort in knowing that you are right and your BPD is simply wrong. I don't know any easier way to understand it. For all that I have learned about BPD, the most important is simply to remind myself that my BPD is wrong, dead wrong. You are not what your BPD says you are. You are simply trying to live your life and do the best you can with the resources you have. You are simply you, neither good nor bad nor anything in between.

BPD's have a remarkable way of isolating you and making the world very foggy. It is so easy to fall victim to their endless denigration. I have several stable people to talk to, and that makes all the difference in the world. Keep the self-talk going. You are what you say you are, and nothing they say matters in the end.

Good luck, you are not alone.

[pearlsw]

Hi Hopefully Doomed,

I'd like to echo Rameses35083 in saying you are not alone! 

It sounds like it takes nerves of steel to deal with all of this. With time you can learn some tools that can make life more bearable, possibly, but it is important to be clear that there is abuse involved that is too far already.

Even the strongest among us can end up feeling like a shell of ourselves when the onslaughts come often. I know I did at times. My h was having meltdowns so often and no matter how hard I tried to maintain some normalcy for myself…it was simply too much. And no way to live... .

Luckily you have us here to help you keep a grip on reality and help you along the journey to figuring this out a bit more and seeing what could be the best path forward.

In what ways is your therapist helping you now? Are you reading any books, have any ideas so far on how to cope?

It really ends up being about yourself, making personal changes. It takes some time…but you are not alone!

with compassion, pearl.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Hopefully-

I'm glad you found us and I am so so sorry for the pain you're going through in your marriage.  That pain is very real.  I'm short on time at the moment, but I just wanted to say a few quick things to you.

First, you are NOT crazy.  It does sound like your H is exhibiting some BPD traits although we cannot make a diagnosis, but that doesn't matter.  You can begin to read about the tools on the right side of the page.  Many of these tools are helpful in diffusing rage.  It can be almost like learning a new language- it was to me.  And using the tools within your relationship WILL make you stronger.

But again, you are NOT crazy.  And please know, you are NOT responsible for any of his behaviors.  He developed those long before you ever met - in his childhood.  So no matter what he screams at you, blames you for, awful names he calls you - you are NONE of that.  He does have that emptiness inside, and nothing you or any of us can do will EVER fill it.  BPD's are unable to self-soothe.  To them, feelings =facts.  So the tools can be the magic language can help to lighten the force.  But if he refuses to get help for himself, he will ultimately always feel that horrible hollowness.

Your work will have to be on making your life and the lives of your children happier and healthier.  Keep speaking with your therapist.  Bring your parents back into YOUR life.  Please don't allow yourself to be isolated.  You need other people to help you regain your strength.  You deserve to be happy, no matter what uBPDh says.  Most of his words need to become meaningless to you.  He just doesn't need to know that.  And don't let him know you're here with us.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[rj47]

Its only now after two years out that I'm gaining clarity on the madness that I had internalized. It was 25 years before I began to realize that maybe it wasn't me. Years of being ground down weekly had me believing her. I doubted my own memories after years of chronic gas lighting. I was utterly alone, isolated, useless, deeply flawed, worthless. When a marital counselor privately suggested I see one of his peers, I thought no... .its me. When her first diagnosis was offered after a suicide scare the scales began to come off. But, I was determined to overcome and outlast. My goal in life was for her to be happy. I got into therapy myself, employed coping methods. And, it got worse as the bar for my offenses got lower and lower. By the time I left I was convinced that she was set on driving me to a nervous break down. I know better now. She could not help herself. She's doing much better now, but at such a price.

There can be reconciliation and healing, but its going to require finding leverage for them to start the long and difficult path to recovery. Pain. We try to move them gently with love, becoming manipulative ourselves. We hate it, its not in our nature. Maybe start with genuine marital counseling. If the therapist is good they will control and steer the conversation. Mine could not work within agreed boundaries. But, if your spouse can be face up to all that might be lost, he might be inclined to go along with you. If I've learned anything here, its that no one approach works. We have to be knowledgeable, mindful, resolute, and flexible in dealing with a very serious condition with an ability to constantly morph and shift into new forms manipulating our weakness.

I failed. But I know that I know there is hope. Others here and elsewhere are doing it. I hope you can a find a way through the treacherous narrows with him, have recovery, and regain your own damaged sanity.

[Hopefully Doomed]

Thank you all for you words of support. I have never been part of any forum before so this is very new and a a little challenging for me. I usually like to deny, pretend everything will be/is ok, and stick my head in the sand until things blow over. Because it always does blow over, I just have to weather the storm. It's been getting worse these days though. And I refuse to let my kids be exposed to this but it's hard when he comes at me in front of them. He has never physically hurt me. Writing things down and reading responses somehow make it more real to me and doesn't let me deny as much and also helps me to guide me how to change for the better.

I somehow have always been able to "take" the yelling, raging and fully dysfunctional spirals with patience, without thinking of leaving (this is also something I know I must work on - self love and respect). But it's my children that I think of most, and would do anything for them to lead healthy successful lives. I want to protect them from emotional harm and give them a healthy foundation on which they can grow to be strong intelligent members of this world. I am a nurse and work with children with cancer for the past 10yrs. So I have a strong sense of appreciation for the beauty of children and this world. I also have a strong sense to protect them from all harm especially emotional. I know that witnessing emotional abuse is abuse to them and that can have ever last danger on their growth and future. So I am mostly here to protect them.

I have loving parents who have helped me, my mom and sister in law through marriage are my rocks. But I don't really let anyone else know what's going on and it's tough. I find it hard some days to smile and sometimes even breath.  I feel confused and like I'm getting amnesia sometimes; or that my memory is broken. I have gone to the dr a few times and been tested and they all say I am ok. I know I can be forgetful but my uBPDh says there is something wrong with my memory because of course his memory of an event is not the same as mines. He confuses me to think I may have done and said or others have done things that I don't think happened. This is so confusing and hard to deal with that unusual end up apologizing saying well I don't remember that happening but I'm sorry if that's what I said or did. He just gets more angry that I said the I don't remember part.

I am so grateful for you all and this forum. I hate complaining and I feel like that's all I usually do with my sister in law and my mom. I know I am not but it is buredening on them although they never make me feel that way. It is great to get specific help here as well and hear from others that have endured similar marriages and help give me perspective on where I am in my marriage and what I can do to change for the better. And overall to help guide me to make choices that leads to a more healthy fulfilling life. Thank you all for your kind words and letting me know I am not crazy. It's very hard sometimes when you hear negativity a lot not to internalize it. I am strong but I doubt myself as he is soo convincing. That's also why I am here - perspective. I must admit that I was nervous to read the responses because it makes thing a little more real. But it was very reassuring and comforting to read. Thank you again. Overall I am a avoid conflict, people pleaser, naive, optimistic, soft person not sure if this is the type of personality that makes me perfect for this toxic relationship. I started looking at the tools section and I am a little excited at the idea of trying something new but I do think it will be hard. Thank you for sharing all and I look forward to sharing, reading, learning, changing, and making new friends.