Getting angry all over again...

[MiserableDaughter]

Hello all,

I haven’t posted in a while, but felt the need to do so... .I am 39 and expecting my second child soon. It’s a girl! I have an almost 6 year old gorgeous boy. I have been married 15 years!

Maybe because I am having a girl, and maybe because my I will be spending time with my unBPD mom coming up a few times in next few months, I find myself getting angry all over again. I am in a very different place physically and mentally than I was 2 years ago. I used to live about 45 minutes away from my parents, and my life was hell. My mother basically ruined my marriage because SHE needed to center of attention and would do anything to get that attention from me... .whether faking illnesses, ended up in the hospital etc. She competed with me for my own child, trying to brainwash him when he was 2! She had zero empathy when my husband had a heart attack at age 40 and almost died. I actually think she would have been happy to have me and her grandson all to herself.

I keep having flashbacks of things she said... .“I hope your daughter punishes you the same way you punished me.” (Only because I didn’t call her 5 times a day after I got married... .) “Even mother’s curse their children if their kids make them cry.” Every real or fake illness was my fault. Everything was about her. Every occasion... .everything. And she would say “parents who live far away from their kids are lucky. At least their kids value them.” I can’t even begin to count the number of gut punching things she’s said and done over the years and yet still raged and made herself a victim of her terrible daughter who has been turned against her... .She was constantly making cracks about my inlaws though she saw them once every 5 years... .I can go on and on.

Eventually, my life was near destruction. My marriage was close to divorce... .I was diagnosed with MS. My husband had a heart attack. I had to get out or my life was destroyed. We moved across the country two years ago after I begged and pleaded with my husband for years. I can’t even tell you how much it changed my life. I was breathing. My marriage started healing. We went to counseling etc.

Now, we are at the point where expecting second child. I never would have even thought about that being close to my mom. We now live about 700 miles from my parents.maybe I’m being triggered because they will come for few weeks when baby comes... .and she’s been so pitiful with “everyone’s else’s grandkids are nearby.” And I keep remembering her saying how “lucky parents who lived far away are.” And I keep thinking how much she doesn’t deserve to spend time with her grandkids the way she says “all other grandparents do.” She’s follows nothing I say and tries to just get my son on her side. I still remember, she would ask my dad to hold my son when he was a baby and would make me hold out my arms and would hold out her own arms to see who he would go to. When he went to her, she would love it and laugh with glee.

I left and I am so glad I did. It took soo much effort on my part to obtain somewhat of a normal life at age 36 when we moved. Until then, I was depressed and suicidal... .I’m a fun, attractive, attorney. My husband is a nice successful guy. We had money, career, beautiful house etc. From the outside it all looked great but inside I was so broken. It took me soo long and being away from her to put pieces of myself back together... .

So now when she cries that her kids are away, sometimes I feel guilty. But then I remember how much pain she caused. I do not understand daughters who are so close to their mothers that they come and help with their kids etc... .I can’t imagine wanting to spend time with my mother. I do it out of obligation and duty. I can’t imagine hurting my kids and making everything about myself always. How could she do that to me? She never apologized or realized. But yet wants the privileges of being grandma.

All this is going through my head because I will see her next week for a few days since they are coming to visit and because they will come back in June for my delivery. It’s a C section so they need to stay with my son for a few days while inn in the hospital... .and will likely  stay a few weeks... .I guess I will survive with tye knowledge that thankfully, I am now away and don’t have to deal with her roller coaster anymore. I have rebuilt my life away from her... .but the memories still haunt me everytime she starts crying about poor her and her grandkids being away.

[Harri]

Hi Miserable Daughter!  It is good to see you back and doing so well... .in spite of the anger (which I think is appropriate and to be expected BTW).  I have thought of you since you moved and have wondered how things are going so I am very happy to hear that you have done so well changing things up.  It sounds like your marriage is better and your son is now 6!  And another one on the way!  Congratulations.

Okay, so now, may I ask why your mother is going to visit for several weeks after your daughter is born?  Is that something you want or do you feel that you have no choice?  I understand you are having a c-section and it can make things difficult, but will having your mom around really benefit you or will it make things worse?  Especially given all the emotions and unresolved and unhealed issues that are now rearing their ugly heads?  How would you feel about saying no to a visit or limiting one to just a few days?  You can always hire someone to come in and help you so you can rest and heal.

I have read that it is not uncommon for moms pregnant with daughters to go through some of the memories from childhood.  I have never been pregnant so I can't comment much more on that.  I do know that it can be a great opportunity to work on some of the issues that are haunting you.  Chances are they are going to keep cropping up at various times during and even after your pregnancy.   

And I keep thinking how much she doesn’t deserve to spend time with her grandkids the way she says “all other grandparents do.” She’s follows nothing I say and tries to just get my son on her side. I still remember, she would ask my dad to hold my son when he was a baby and would make me hold out my arms and would hold out her own arms to see who he would go to. When he went to her, she would love it and laugh with glee.

I remember this very well.  Emotional blackmailing of a two year old is not at all reflective of being a healthy g-ma.  Why give her the opportunity to do similar things especially when you are in a very vulnerable and emotional state?  She may talk about 'other grandparents' but she is who she is. 

Let's talk about this.  I am hoping someone who has kids will respond as well.  I am out of my experience zone here!

 

[GaGrl]

My mother, at age 4, lost her own mother. My grandfather remarried two years later, to an 18-year-old uNPD/BPD. Much of what you describe about your mother sounds like my step-grandmother. I definitely get that having your own daughter can bring up anger about your mother's behaviors.

What I admire most about my mom was her ability, early on, to determine the kind of mother she wanted to be. She said she would see her another's behavior and consciously say to herself, "When I have a family... ."  I hear and see you creating your own family also.

With distance now from your mother, can you translate your family values to a few phrases that communicate your boundaries to your mother should she overstep?  Something like "That's not the way we act/talk/etc. in our family." Then if she pushes, suggest they would be more comfortable in a hotel with their own house rules.

[MiserableDaughter]

WHy am I having my parents come and stay? It’s pretty cultural. I was born here but from Indian background. Girls have their moms come and help or they stay at their mom’s for a while. So at least it’s in my territory and it’s temporary. And they can keep my son entertained. I’m starting my son in summer camp two weeks after I deliver to make sure that they go back and he’s not influenced by then too much. It’s funny because my mom prefers only coming when my son is on vacation so “he can stay up late” with her. She happily will have the child stay up late to adapt to her schedule so she can sleep in instead of adapting to the kids schedule so it doesn’t totally screw up. She would keep my son up until 1am so she (and he) could sleep in. But I need someone my son knows to take him out etc. He’s already insecure with new baby coming so I can’t hire a new sitter to hang out with him. He enjoys spending time with my mom because she lets him do whatever he wants including using her phone all day long (watching YouTube videos) even thoigh I say no. Temporarily it’s ok. But when I lived there would drive me crazy!

[Harri]

Hi MD.  Sorry, I forgot about the cultural norms that are involved in your situation.

It sounds like you are resolved to deal with your mom and her behaviors knowing it is just a temporary situation.  I do like what Gagrl suggested in terms of saying "That's not the way we act/talk/etc. in our family."  Is that something you would want to try?  Can you tweak it to fit any other scenario like your mom keeping your son up late?

Are you familiar with Radical Acceptance and Mindfulness?  You may find it helpful to focus on this while she is here.

What do you think?