Double Standards- Acknowledge or Ignore?

[Chosen]

It is extremely apparent to me (and those close to uBPDh) that he has double standards for himself and everybody else.  I don't think it's intentional; he just sees himself in a warped way.  For example:

- If, say, he just changed our kid but then she made a mess, he would be really annoyed and would make sighs and complain when he changes her.  I'm not "allowed" to comment on that (would lead to him exploding on me probably), but if I did the same he will say I cannot handle problems, unlike him, who deals with everything calmly.

- Since he is "very liberal" (to us, meaning me, his parents, siblings etc), he would let us voice our opinions and try to accommodate them.  However, when we actually do it, he usually has something else in mind already, and when we point that out (his mum has done so in a joking manner before), he explodes.

For me, I try not to address such situations and accommodate him instead most of the times, as 1. I know nothing good will come out of it if I point it out (he will shift the blame to me, in the end it will look like I'm wrong and in any case he will pour his bad mood on me and I don't want to deal with that), and 2. I don't have the best temper myself, and I understand life can get frustrating when it doesn't go your way, so... ."do unto others what you want them to do unto you" and so on... .

But I'm wondering whether my (and his family's) behaviour is just enabling him and encouraging him not to deal with his own issues?  What would you do in my position, when it's a bit of damned if I do and damned if I don't?

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[Tattered Heart]

I'm torn with this quite often too. I have used an approach that directly confronts his hypocrisy and that leads to a pretty big blow up. I think his double standards come more from a projection standpoint. He doesn't like that he does X so when he sees someone else doing X he gets mad about it.

I've tried a softer, more validating approach in which I ask him questions trying to lead him to see that what he does is the same thing he hates in others. He can't see it. It is a true blind spot. The link between his behavior and others similar behavior just doesn't click. He gets really close to it, but stops just before getting there.

Are you hoping that if he can see his own double standard that he will change his approach or back down?

[Mutt]

Hi Chosen,

But I'm wondering whether my (and his family's) behaviour is just enabling him and encouraging him not to deal with his own issues?

I think you know him better than anyone else on the board and does he self reflect kind of what Tattered Heart is saying. I have two mentally ill people in my life my dad and my exuBPDw that refuse or can’t self reflect. My dad is on narcissistic spectrum and my ex is on the BPD spectrum. If I shine a light on their behaviours their egos are so fragile that I’m met with a series of defense mechanisms, projection, blame shifting, dissociation etc... .

For years I tried to show my dad the errors of his ways and I hit a wall - his ego. A tool that I learned here radical acceptance helped with my feelings about them. My dad and ex are who they are I can’t wish that they’re different, I can but if I wish then I’m stuck in a cycle of pain that’s never resolved I have to accept them for who they are. I think that you three options.

a) acknowledge
b) ignore
c) radical acceptance

[Chosen]

I think radical acceptance is a really good tool, and over the years I have been learning to be empathetic and radically accept this is how/ who he is.  Otherwise, it wouldn't be fair for me to be with him and judge him for it, right?  Obviously I would prefer him to change (haha, don't we all), but I know this is just how he is.  I do feel momentarily upset when he projects on me, and when there are clear double standards which he can't see.  But it is "all right"- I know that he really doesn't see it, he isn't doing it on purpose.  That's just the way he is.

But I certainly don't want to be an enabler and encourage him to take it further, if you know what I mean?  And I don't know whether my behaviour is encouraging him and further blinding him.  I suppose there should be a fine line between radical acceptance and "spoiling" somebody, but I am not sure where it lies.