Close family involvement and how to navigate.

[TheBestLife]

Hi. My BPDwife(29 years old) and I (30 years old) have been together for almost 6 years, married for 7 months. We moved in with my parents about 4 months ago to save money to buy a home. It has been extremely rocky since. Don’t get me wrong. It was also rocky before with her BPD mood swings but just worse i think now cuz people are actually witnessing what’s going on instead of me on my own. My family absolutely loves her. But they have been witnessed to a lot of her outbreaks and anger. How do you get past this? I am extremely close with my family and i don’t ever want that to change but I can tell that they are concerned and worried about my well being and how I’m being treated. They can hear when things get bad, her initial reactions to things is anger. They believe I deserve “better” not truly understanding what she/we are dealing with.

Anyone else feel this way? How do you navigate it?

I should add, my wife is in weekly counseling dealing with her BPD. A lot of childhood trauma as well. I feel like we are getting thru it... .always 5 steps forward and then 4 steps back... .but I’m the only one noticing the improvements cuz all they see is every time she gets angry with me.

Feeling stuck. Please help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CautiousHope]

I can definitely understand not wanting things to change between you and your parents and also not wanting them to change their opinion of your wife after seeing her in a different light. Trying to balance a relationship when BPD is involved is challenging in itself and living with family can be extremely stressful, even under the best of circumstances. It seems they love you very much and are expressing concern about your well being, which is understandable if they have never seen this kind of behavior before.

I have a couple of questions. What are you doing to take care of yourself when your wife has an angry episode? How do you respond if she is lashing out? Also, are you in therapy yourself?

I can also relate to feeling like you're the only one who really gets to see the progress, because from an outside perspective it can seem like the volume of the negative behavior is so loud that it drowns out all of the work our pwBPD might be doing to improve themselves. Your wife is lucky to have your support as she goes through this, it sounds like you recognize her small victories and encourage her.

[Speck]

Welcome, TheBestLife!

 

I wanted to take a moment to join CautiousHope in welcoming you to the discussion forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. From what you have written, it seems clear you will get good ideas and support here if you continue to read and post. In short, you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to coping with loved ones who have personality disorders.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

... .but I’m the only one noticing the improvements cuz all they see is every time she gets angry with me.

Feeling stuck. Please help.

I imagine that you are, indeed, feeling stuck. I would, too. While most relationships between married couples are carried out behind closed doors, living with your parents, no doubt, puts all this behavior - the good, the bad, and the ugly - on display.

They are concerned and worried about my well being and how I’m being treated.

This is understandable and her behavior may, in time, cause a serious rift between your wife and your parents. Have you ever heard of the Karpman Drama Triangle (top image)? Triangulation within relationships occurs all the time - we are all involved in triangles - some good, some bad. However, as you can see, the ideal triangle would be the one on the bottom.

I just have to applaud you for being willing to continue to put forth effort into understanding your wife. In my opinion, that's true love. This site is rather HUGE, however, there are many, many articles related to bettering your relationship with the angle of using healthy communication techniques, setting needed boundaries, and validating what is valid. You will find these articles scrolling in the right-handed panel on this board. We can help you with questions, point you in the direction of additional resources, or just be a sounding board.

Keep writing. It helps you to get it out, and it helps others when they see that they are not the only ones suffering. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck