first therapy session with my potentially BPD mother who is unaware

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Dear Community,

I am so glad I found you. I'm not quite sure where to begin but I suppose i will start with this. I have been dealing with "issues" with my mother since what feels like birth. It is what i refer to as a "wounded relationship" that cycles between periods of normalcy, tension build up, explosions of verbal/emotional abuse, and then severance (long periods of no communication). Every time there is an explosion it results in months and months of my mother and i not speaking to one another. The reason for this is because I am so hurt and so TIRED of this vicious cycle and naturally my heart has become guarded. To me, this is a boundary that I set in the aftermath of the chaos. Well my mother has never been formally diagnosed with any particular psychiatric disorder. The thing is, she is relatively high functioning meaning she can survive and doesn't have any self harming tendencies that are characteristic of BPD. However her interpersonal relationships are often in a state of turmoil. She cannot keep a job because of her inability to get along with others. She appears to have some pretty significant cognitive distortions. For example, today in our first therapy session since i was a teenager, she stated that she feels that I behave in ways to hurt her or publicly humiliate her. She did acknowledge that from her perspective, my actions may not have been intentionally meant in this way. She also stated in the session that my lack of communication with her is affecting all of the other familial relationships such as her relationship with my children and my children's relationship with my younger siblings etc. and she could not seem to wrap her head around why i did not communicate with her for so many months. according to her "every family has their dysfunctions and that's normal". The thing is, i don't believe the dysfunctional interactions between my mother and i are anything close to normal. as i said, she can be pretty emotionally and verbally abusive which is in no way, shape or form normal. I'm really not quite sure where i'm going with all this. I suppose i needed a place to process my thoughts and feelings after our session. I am also a bit puzzled and wondering if in fact she is borderline given that there has never been a formal diagnosis. My mother seems to have a problem seeing things for how they really are and also appears to be very unaware of herself (denial) and her actions as to how they affect those around her. The one thing that truly makes me suspect she is borderline is the fact that when it comes to her i ALWAYS feel like i'm walking on eggshells; which is actually why i've picked up that book. I am hoping to find a way to communicate and have a relationship with her while also maintaining clear boundaries. I am tired of being hurt. I am tired of the cycle. Thank you for listening.

[aquarianspirit]

Dear Community,

I am so glad I found you. I'm not quite sure where to begin but I suppose i will start with this. I have been dealing with "issues" with my mother since what feels like birth. It is what i refer to as a "wounded relationship" that cycles between periods of normalcy, tension build up, explosions of verbal/emotional abuse, and then severance (long periods of no communication). Every time there is an explosion it results in months and months of my mother and i not speaking to one another. The reason for this is because I am so hurt and so TIRED of this vicious cycle and naturally my heart has become guarded. To me, this is a boundary that I set in the aftermath of the chaos. Well my mother has never been formally diagnosed with any particular psychiatric disorder. The thing is, she is relatively high functioning meaning she can survive and doesn't have any self harming tendencies that are characteristic of BPD. However her interpersonal relationships are often in a state of turmoil. She cannot keep a job because of her inability to get along with others. She appears to have some pretty significant cognitive distortions. For example, today in our first therapy session since i was a teenager, she stated that she feels that I behave in ways to hurt her or publicly humiliate her. She did acknowledge that from her perspective, my actions may not have been intentionally meant in this way. She also stated in the session that my lack of communication with her is affecting all of the other familial relationships such as her relationship with my children and my children's relationship with my younger siblings etc. and she could not seem to wrap her head around why i did not communicate with her for so many months. according to her "every family has their dysfunctions and that's normal". The thing is, i don't believe the dysfunctional interactions between my mother and i are anything close to normal. as i said, she can be pretty emotionally and verbally abusive which is in no way, shape or form normal. I'm really not quite sure where i'm going with all this. I suppose i needed a place to process my thoughts and feelings after our session. I am also a bit puzzled and wondering if in fact she is borderline given that there has never been a formal diagnosis. My mother seems to have a problem seeing things for how they really are and also appears to be very unaware of herself (denial) and her actions as to how they affect those around her. The one thing that truly makes me suspect she is borderline is the fact that when it comes to her i ALWAYS feel like i'm walking on eggshells; which is actually why i've picked up that book. I am hoping to find a way to communicate and have a relationship with her while also maintaining clear boundaries. I am tired of being hurt. I am tired of the cycle. Thank you for listening.

[Speck]

Welcome, aquarianspirit!



I just wanted to take a moment to welcome you to the discussion forums. Mostly we are here because someone in our lives has behaviors that are characteristic of BPD. They haven't all been diagnosed with BPD, but it's the behaviors, and how we deal with them, that is important. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

Thank you for sharing what you have thus far:

The one thing that truly makes me suspect she is borderline is the fact that when it comes to her i ALWAYS feel like i'm walking on eggshells; which is actually why i've picked up that book. I am hoping to find a way to communicate and have a relationship with her while also maintaining clear boundaries. I am tired of being hurt. I am tired of the cycle. Thank you for listening.

As you most likely know, only a trained specialist can diagnose BPD, but I think that you'll find a lot of parallels here - lots of members (including me) have similar stories. Yes, a firm diagnosis can help loved ones feel better by knowing that the odd, hurtful, and confusing behavior has an actual name, however, in my view, it's the behavior that's the problem. And, it sure sounds like your mother's behavior has been a problem for you. I am so sorry for that.

I'm glad you've found Stop Walking on Eggshells. You are absolutely on the right track. If you look up to the left of your screen under our logo, you'll see these words: "Facing Emotionally Intense Relationships." From what you've shared thus far, I would think that your relationship would fall into this category, so just know that you're absolutely in the right place. And we're so glad you're here.

You will find a lot of people here to talk to, who will provide you with support and some good advice. Keep posting - it is very therapeutic, and you will be greeted by so many people with circumstances similar to your own. You will be amazed. Take care of yourself.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Turkish]

What are the differences between your teen therapy experience and now? Was it helpful then? Do you feel that the T handled the session well? I'm curious also because my mother took me to joint therapy when I was 13. I didn't do it with her as an adult like you are now.  

[aquarianspirit]

What are the differences between your teen therapy experience and now? Was it helpful then? Do you feel that the T handled the session well? I'm curious also because my mother took me to joint therapy when I was 13. I didn't do it with her as an adult like you are now.  

Dear Turkish, i'm still trying to navigate this discussion board so I hope you'll see this reply and please let me know if you do.

Therapy when I was a teenager was very difficult because I didn't have the same life experience, knowledge and educational background that I do now. I knew that things in my home were very dysfunctional as a teen. My mother was very verbally abusive back then. Homelife was incredibly chaotic and dysfunctional. Since I was still a child I wasn't able to speak my truth the way I am able to now. My mother always manipulated my therapist into believe that I was a problem child. Which admittedly, I did have some problem behaviors that I now realize were in response to the environment that I was growing up in. The joint sessions when i was a teen didn't last long. They were mostly individual. I will say this though: I never felt validated back then.

It was really interesting for me to listen to my mother's perspective today. It was challenging for me to stay quiet and listen to her because her way of thinking is so distorted at times that it was hard not to interject. It really triggered a lot of feelings within me but I did my best to be in the moment, listen and validate her feelings.

[aquarianspirit]

Welcome, aquarianspirit!



I just wanted to take a moment to welcome you to the discussion forums. Mostly we are here because someone in our lives has behaviors that are characteristic of BPD. They haven't all been diagnosed with BPD, but it's the behaviors, and how we deal with them, that is important. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

Thank you for sharing what you have thus far:

As you most likely know, only a trained specialist can diagnose BPD, but I think that you'll find a lot of parallels here - lots of members (including me) have similar stories. Yes, a firm diagnosis can help loved ones feel better by knowing that the odd, hurtful, and confusing behavior has an actual name, however, in my view, it's the behavior that's the problem. And, it sure sounds like your mother's behavior has been a problem for you. I am so sorry for that.

I'm glad you've found Stop Walking on Eggshells. You are absolutely on the right track. If you look up to the left of your screen under our logo, you'll see these words: "Facing Emotionally Intense Relationships." From what you've shared thus far, I would think that your relationship would fall into this category, so just know that you're absolutely in the right place. And we're so glad you're here.

You will find a lot of people here to talk to, who will provide you with support and some good advice. Keep posting - it is very therapeutic, and you will be greeted by so many people with circumstances similar to your own. You will be amazed. Take care of yourself.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

Thank you so much, Speck. Thank you for reading my post and for letting me know that I'm not alone. It feels really comforting to hear from someone else I'm on the right track. I have felt so lost and confused for so long.

[Speck]

Hello again, aquarianspirit:

Thank you so much, Speck. Thank you for reading my post and for letting me know that I'm not alone. It feels really comforting to hear from someone else I'm on the right track. I have felt so lost and confused for so long.

I know, friend. Me, too. But now that you're here, prepare to be supported. That's what we do here!

Step by step, we heal... .


-Speck

[Turkish]

I think I had a similar experience, it it turned me off to therapy. When I was 41, and my ex similarly abandoned me to therapy after one joint session as my mom did, my T once said, "I sense that you have a healthy disrespect for my profession." I continued with him for two years... .for me,  ignoring the fact that my ex got me there to "fix" me as my mom likely did those decades ago.  The difference was an adult is that I took ownership of my T despite what my ex though of me.  

Going back... .I didn't know what to expect at 13. My mom said some things.  Then I said some things.  My mom leaned towards me on the couch and said, "I do not do that!" The T said nothing.  My thoughts were,  "I can't trust this guy."

5-8 sessions followed with me while my mom slept in the car.  I talked about... .whatever,  but not my mom.  If I'd told him the truth,  CPS would have taken me.  They almost did a year later.  

When I was in my late 30s, I had invited my mom to a BBQ at my friends' home.  Out of the blue,  my mom said, "do you remember the therapist I  took you to when you were 13?"

"Yes," I replied, instantly on guard.

":)o you know what he said about you."

"No." She never told me at the time.

"He said that you were one of the most well adjusted young men he'd ever met." I was an old soul.  I always connected with adults well.

I was so angry for a minute.  That would have been VERY HELPFUL to hear back then.  Much drama followed 14-18 until I moved 50 miles away to go to college.  

I could say more,  but I'm already high jacking too much with my story... .

My point is,  overall,  to embrace therapy with or without your mom.  Ideally, this will help you both,  but ultimately,  embrace it to help you.  

Turkish

[aquarianspirit]

I think I had a similar experience, it it turned me off to therapy. When I was 41, and my ex similarly abandoned me to therapy after one joint session as my mom did, my T once said, "I sense that you have a healthy disrespect for my profession." I continued with him for two years... .for me,  ignoring the fact that my ex got me there to "fix" me as my mom likely did those decades ago.  The difference was an adult is that I took ownership of my T despite what my ex though of me.  

Going back... .I didn't know what to expect at 13. My mom said some things.  Then I said some things.  My mom leaned towards me on the couch and said, "I do not do that!" The T said nothing.  My thoughts were,  "I can't trust this guy."

5-8 sessions followed with me while my mom slept in the car.  I talked about... .whatever,  but not my mom.  If I'd told him the truth,  CPS would have taken me.  They almost did a year later.  

When I was in my late 30s, I had invited my mom to a BBQ at my friends' home.  Out of the blue,  my mom said, "do you remember the therapist I  took you to when you were 13?"

"Yes," I replied, instantly on guard.

":)o you know what he said about you."

"No." She never told me at the time.

"He said that you were one of the most well adjusted young men he'd ever met." I was an old soul.  I always connected with adults well.

I was so angry for a minute.  That would have been VERY HELPFUL to hear back then.  Much drama followed 14-18 until I moved 50 miles away to go to college.  

I could say more,  but I'm already high jacking too much with my story... .

My point is,  overall,  to embrace therapy with or without your mom.  Ideally, this will help you both,  but ultimately,  embrace it to help you.  

Turkish

I really appreciate your story a lot. CPS was involved quite a bit at different points throughout my childhood. If I had been honest, A. either my therapist wouldn't have believed me since my mom was so manipulative or B. as you said, my younger siblings and I may have been taken out of the home. or C. (worst of all) CPS could've gotten involved for statements that I made and then they could've done nothing which would've probably put me in a worse off position with my mom had she suspected the CPS involvement had something to do with what I said. 

I guess ultimately my experience is very similar to yours. I never felt like I could trust that therapist. And for many years, other therapists who i saw i was not able to build a trusting relationship with. It took me many years to get to a place of feeling like i can be completely honest in therapy without fears of being judged. Not to say that I've completely overcome these fears. It is definitely a work in progress.

I can imagine that when your mother proposed the question about your therapist you may have anticipated her saying something negative. At least I know that would've have been my initial thought.

I bet it was comforting that after the years of her trying to "fix" you, it felt good to hear her say something positive

I too experienced my mom telling me that I was mentally ill and needed to be medicated.

All very damaging. I never thought I would find a place where I can relate to others on this subject. I always felt very alone and compared my relationship with my mother to my friends' relationships with their mother and wondered "why this", "why me".

The mention of being an old soul is also something that I've been told about myself.

I really have a way of connecting with all kinds of people.

I think that in spite of the damage, we hold some really special gifts and abilities that others might not have growing up without a BPD parent.

[Turkish]

I think that in spite of the damage, we hold some really special gifts and abilities that others might not have growing up without a BPD parent.

I wish that this wisdom would have been acquired otherwise,  but maybe that wasn't possible.  Good observation! Personally, at the very least,  it helps me with my kids and my uBPDx. Being here,  it also helps me deal with emotionally difficult people by using the validation tools and learning about boundaries I never knew as a kid. 

[Harvest_Moon]

Hi,

Your experience resonates with me. I too, have a similar cyclical relationship with my BPD mother.
My mother also has not been formally diagnosed (she has always said there is nothing wrong with her... .) It was the therapists I have seen over time who have offered that diagnosis based on my reporting, couched with the understanding that it is their assumption, not a firm dx having not met her.

My mother also was always trying to fix me. As a family, we went to a therapy session when I was a teen. I remember instantly being singled out for the chair I chose to sit in. It was across the room from my family- my BPD mother, enabler stepfather and all good sister. WE didn't go as a family again, but I was made to go by myself for a short time. It was pretty surreal to me, without much being said by either of us... .how could I trust this person? All I know is I wasn't made to go anymore. I still wish I knew what the back story was behind that.

I'm new here, too, and I am amazed to read experiences so similar to mine. It is so sad, affirming and hopeful.

All good things to you.

[GreenRoad]

I'm not quite sure where to begin but I suppose i will start with this. I have been dealing with "issues" with my mother since what feels like birth. It is what i refer to as a "wounded relationship" that cycles between periods of normalcy, tension build up, explosions of verbal/emotional abuse, and then severance (long periods of no communication). Every time there is an explosion it results in months and months of my mother and i not speaking to one another. The reason for this is because I am so hurt and so TIRED of this vicious cycle and naturally my heart has become guarded. To me, this is a boundary that I set in the aftermath of the chaos.

Thank you for posting your story, aquarianspirit, and welcome!

I can definitely relate to the chaotic cycle you have experienced with your mom: the normalcy, tension build up, explosions of verbal/emotional abuse, and then long periods of no communication, what I refer to as silent treatment. I started individual therapy about a year ago because I was fed up with the cycle I was caught up in and wanted to find out how to "fix" things to have a "normal" relationship with my mom. I had thought at times that my mom might be bipolar. My therapist actually brought BPD to my attention, and while she has not met my mom so obviously cannot diagnose her, the description really fits. Learning about BPD was a light bulb moment for me. She gave me the following criteria to see if this might apply to my mom. I have marked what behaviors I have seen consistently from my mom, although to be honest I have seen all of them at one time or another from her. 

Borderline Personality Disorder

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

(3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self

(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

(5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

(6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

(7) chronic feelings of emptiness

(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

(9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

After reading this criteria suddenly, I didn't feel like I was crazy, and since then I have joined a couple of Facebook support groups, read "Walking on Eggshells" and "Understanding the Borderline Parent", and it was also really helpful to find this group. It's reassuring to know you are not alone, and that your thoughts and feelings matter and are valid. I have also continued to see my therapist and have come to learn that my relationship with my mom will never be "normal". I've also come to realize I cannot change her, and the only thing I really have control over is myself and my actions. I am also only responsible for 50% of our relationship, and the other half is up to her.

I have seriously considered going to family therapy with my mom, and I admire you for giving that a try with yours. I am a member of a Facebook group for adult children of borderline mothers, and I actually posted a question a few days ago asking about other people's thoughts and experiences with family therapy and their BPD moms. The response I got was pretty overwhelming that not many people have found success by going to see a therapist with their moms. BPD people are typically pretty manipulative and will often refuse to admit any wrongdoing on their part. My mom is a master manipulator and has been able to turn other family members against me and constantly tries to place the blame for our strained relationship on my shoulders. She also falls back on the statement that every family has its dysfunction, no one is perfect, and the excuses go on.

I started going somewhat LC with my mom last June after her last visit to see me, and that really helped my state of mind. She of course became resentful that I was no longer calling her every other day, and instead would reach out once every week or two, and tension began to build again. Things really exploded a couple months ago when I set some very firm boundaries specifically regarding a family vacation I had planned with my inlaws, and we haven't talked since. Her birthday is May 4th, and Mothers Day is obviously coming up to, so I am feeling some guilt around that and debate with myself on whether or not to reach out to her.

My advise with the therapy is to do it for yourself and not for your mom. I've personally gotten a lot out of individual therapy and have realized it is okay to care for myself instead of constantly trying to please my mom. I definitely feel like I am grieving what I want our relationship to be, and I often feel incredibly sad that this is where things are. I wish you well in your healing journey, and I encourage you to focus on self care and what is best for you as an individual. This board is a great resource and is full of people that have been and are in similar situations, and we're here to support one another.

[Speck]

Hello again, aquarianspirit:

How are things going today? Just checking in with you.

We're here if you need to talk.


-Speck