the truth is that I realized theres a lot more work to be done

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I needed a break from the forum, for a couple of days, but the truth is that I realized theres a lot more work to be done on.

After letting my ex go, I thought real hard about what I wanted. We had two separate paths and thats something I will have to respect one way or another. I recieved my closure but I remember, being very upset and angry, when I spoke to her a month ago. I don’t regret it, but it made me realize that I became someone I wasn’t I remember even apologizing at the end, and wishing her the best. To which she said she loves me and then we went our separate ways. She knew at that point I was going to block her and she was okay with it. After doing some soul searching, I realized that I have no reason to be angry.

If I was still with her, I would not be able to change her BPD traits no matter how hard I tried. I had forgotten everything all the incidences of her breaking up with me, then coming back, then saying shes changed. I still have an angry text message from her that I reflect upon from time to time, it says “You will be successful, you will have everything except my love, because your a f’in coward, and you will always remain single.” It makes me realize that, just because I wasn’t ready for marriage, I was a coward. After spending some time with myself, I realized I deleted her from all social media and her number, and I took a big step in unblocking her because thats not the person I am. She did what she had to do, and I wish her the best., but keeping her blocked meant that I was angry at her and that anger meant that there could be something in the future, when for me all the bridges have been burned. Whether she returns or not, shouldn’t affect me anymore.


The advice part is, for some odd reason I keep having recurrent dreams. In these dreams, we are bringing up the same conversation over and over again. “Why couldn’t you wait?.” “I told you I wasn’t ready.” And I can’t seem to understand why even after a month, i’m having these. I’m focusing on myself and I feel like I’m over it but, these dreams make me feel otherwise. I feel as if, if I had married her I could have made it work, but then I read all the stories and i’m not superman, I can’t take away all her pain thats reflected. With each demand, comes the manipulation.

[Struggler123]

I needed a break from the forum, for a couple of days, but the truth is that I realized theres a lot more work to be done on.

After letting my ex go, I thought real hard about what I wanted. We had two separate paths and thats something I will have to respect one way or another. I recieved my closure but I remember, being very upset and angry, when I spoke to her a month ago. I don’t regret it, but it made me realize that I became someone I wasn’t I remember even apologizing at the end, and wishing her the best. To which she said she loves me and then we went our separate ways. She knew at that point I was going to block her and she was okay with it. After doing some soul searching, I realized that I have no reason to be angry.

If I was still with her, I would not be able to change her BPD traits no matter how hard I tried. I had forgotten everything all the incidences of her breaking up with me, then coming back, then saying shes changed. I still have an angry text message from her that I reflect upon from time to time, it says “You will be successful, you will have everything except my love, because your a f’in coward, and you will always remain single.” It makes me realize that, just because I wasn’t ready for marriage, I was a coward. After spending some time with myself, I realized I deleted her from all social media and her number, and I took a big step in unblocking her because thats not the person I am. She did what she had to do, and I wish her the best., but keeping her blocked meant that I was angry at her and that anger meant that there could be something in the future, when for me all the bridges have been burned. Whether she returns or not, shouldn’t affect me anymore.


The advice part is, for some odd reason I keep having recurrent dreams. In these dreams, we are bringing up the same conversation over and over again. “Why couldn’t you wait?.” “I told you I wasn’t ready.” And I can’t seem to understand why even after a month, i’m having these. I’m focusing on myself and I feel like I’m over it but, these dreams make me feel otherwise. I feel as if, if I had married her I could have made it work, but then I read all the stories and i’m not superman, I can’t take away all her pain thats reflected. With each demand, comes the manipulation.

[Starfire]

Grief is not something you can hold to a time table.  Feeling like you should be over it after only a month is perhaps unrealistic.  Are you allowing yourself to grieve?

[Struggler123]

Grief is not something you can hold to a time table.  Feeling like you should be over it after only a month is perhaps unrealistic.  Are you allowing yourself to grieve?

I mean to be honest, I just felt like I had no reason to be mad or upset anymore, considering that I wasn’t ready for marriage and no matter what I did, it was never going to be enough. If I wanted to step in and get married, I felt like I had the opportunity and I let it go, was it a good or bad choice, only time will tell. But, I just felt like I shouldn’t be feeling like I let go of something rather than its her loss, for settling. You win some , you lose some right?

[MyBPD_friend]

I mean to be honest, I just felt like I had no reason to be mad or upset anymore, considering that I wasn’t ready for marriage and no matter what I did, it was never going to be enough. If I wanted to step in and get married, I felt like I had the opportunity and I let it go, was it a good or bad choice, only time will tell. But, I just felt like I shouldn’t be feeling like I let go of something rather than its her loss, for settling. You win some , you lose some right?

I'm sorry, that it is still very difficult for you and that you have dreams about your ex.

Please give yourself some time and thought about a few questions. I'm sure you've read a lot on this great forum.

Wuestion:
Did you ever think, or do you want to think about a theoretical future with your ex, in a marrige, eventually with children in play?
What would the relationship with your ex look like in a marrige.
Do you believe, life would be much diferent in your r/s compared what you've experienced with her?
Would your ex become a different, healthy person in that future?

Best wishes

[Struggler123]

I'm sorry, that it is still very difficult for you and that you have dreams about your ex.

Please give yourself some time and thought about a few questions. I'm sure you've read a lot on this great forum.

Wuestion:
Did you ever think, or do you want to think about a theoretical future with your ex, in a marrige, eventually with children in play?

I remember speaking to her about this and I wanted kids. She used to be against the idea but then towards the end she was on board about having kids too. But I just felt like her main concern was always commitment and reassurance for everything. I remember having to be on the phone with her 24/7.

What would the relationship with your ex look like in a marriage!
I feel like the marriage wouldn’t really change things. I wish marriage was the cure to BPD, but the suicide threats, and the break ups and the constant idea that there was something wrong with me when I woudnt be able to match timings with her was exhausting. I would still do it somehow, but I would always get blamed for not doing enough.

Do you believe, life would be much diferent in your r/s compared what you've experienced with her?

I honestly don’t know. We were long distance for 8 months and together for a. Month when she came to visit. But I think life would be a whole lot different because of responsibilities, and I take my vows seriously. I would give it the same energy as the relationship but 10,000x more. But, at times I felt like she would make all the decisions. She planned out everything the kind of wedding the time frame etc


Would your ex become a different, healthy person in that future?
I know the answer to this question but my heart wants it to be that shes a different healthy person with the way she was acting so calm when we both got closure, but my mind tells me that its temporary and eventually itll always be back to square one. That’s where I always get confused. I remember when I got closure the first time she called me the next day 5x saying she was having a panic attack, and when I asked her what the emergency was she said she wanted a small wedding not a big wedding with the new guy. At that point, I remained calm and then finally gave her the closure the next day that I don’t want to be friends or anything, you be good to the new guy and then she said i love you and we went our separate ways, and its been a month no contact.

Best wishes

[Wicker Man]

I feel like the marriage wouldn’t really change things. I wish marriage was the cure to BPD, but the suicide threats, and the break ups and the constant idea that there was something wrong with me when I woudnt be able to match timings with her was exhausting. I would still do it somehow, but I would always get blamed for not doing enough.

I am 4 months no contact from my undiagnosed BPD fiancé. 

Our relationship had been archetypal to the point of banality -sure it felt special and unique at the time, but having done a lot of reading here it was run of the mill.

Love at first sight, destiny, knight in shining armor, always and forever... .You get the idea... .

There was rage, cutting, lies, and betrayal.  She slowly and methodically was attempting to take control of every aspect of the relationship.  We were not married  -so we still had some level of parity.  I now firmly believe if we had married the balance of power would have swung firmly over in her direction my life would have become hell.  --She would have, one day, left me. 

I ended our relationship because after a 7 day rage -she broke up with me.  It took me a few days to process this, but I had an epiphany during these tortured days -if she could threaten to leave me in an argument it meant this is was an arrow in her quiver -she was capable of ending us in one of her frequent rages.

You can not love a personality disorder out of someone.  It takes hard work and a lot of very committed therapy.   Love is powerful and curative, but it takes a level of commitment my BPD fiancé could have never lived up to.  She wanted to try -she loved me deeply in her way, but she has no control over her emotional state -none.  She never meant to hurt me, but she couldn't control herself and hurt me she did.

I know how much I miss her, so I believe I understand in some way what you are feeling.  It sounds like you did the right thing for yourself in ending this relationship. 

Time heals all wounds.


Wicker Man

[Struggler123]

I am 4 months no contact from my undiagnosed BPD fiancé. 

Our relationship had been archetypal to the point of banality -sure it felt special and unique at the time, but having done a lot of reading here it was run of the mill.

Love at first sight, destiny, knight in shining armor, always and forever... .You get the idea... .

There was rage, cutting, lies, and betrayal.  She slowly and methodically was attempting to take control of every aspect of the relationship.  We were not married  -so we still had some level of parity.  I now firmly believe if we had married the balance of power would have swung firmly over in her direction my life would have become hell.  --She would have, one day, left me. 

I ended our relationship because after a 7 day rage -she broke up with me.  It took me a few days to process this, but I had an epiphany during these tortured days -if she could threaten to leave me in an argument it meant this is was an arrow in her quiver -she was capable of ending us in one of her frequent rages.

You can not love a personality disorder out of someone.  It takes hard work and a lot of very committed therapy.   Love is powerful and curative, but it takes a level of commitment my BPD fiancé could have never lived up to.  She wanted to try -she loved me deeply in her way, but she has no control over her emotional state -none.  She never meant to hurt me, but she couldn't control herself and hurt me she did.

I know how much I miss her, so I believe I understand in some way what you are feeling.  It sounds like you did the right thing for yourself in ending this relationship. 

Time heals all wounds.


Wicker Man

I’m really sorry for what your facing. Its situations like these which makes it hard at times. I actually would not have been able to let go, if if the people around me did not point it out to me. I was infatuated with the idea of her, I ignored everything in the hopes that I could be the change, and in no way do I blame her but, I wanted stability through my struggle. I always tell myself and my friends that a relationship should bring you up and not bring you down; if the relationship is getting in the way of your hopes and dreams, theres a problem. I really appreciate your input because I really felt like even though I don’t know you personally, I was able to connect with you in terms of how similar our situations were. At times I felt guilty, because I used to think it was my fault, but then I realized if this happened after I had married her, how would I have felt? I would have been confined for the rest of my life. My idea of marriage is to be happy and not just settle in something that will be a liability but actually make me grow.

[Wicker Man]

I was infatuated with the idea of her, I ignored everything in the hopes that I could be the change, and in no way do I blame her

I feel nothing but pity for my ex.  She loved me deeply and with all of her soul, but she can not change her nature.  When she loved me it was complete and like nothing I have ever felt, when she was raging and hated me she did is with just as much passion, when she drank she forgot about us completely.

It occurred to me the other day being angry with her would be like being mad at a cat for being a cat.

Yes!  I had built an ephemeral, elaborate and fantastical dream -what our future might have been.  Oh! It was beautiful, warm, loving and an utter fabrication based on my arrogance, delusion, overwhelming optimism and my desperately wanting to believe in fairytale love. 

As I live and breath, I am now certain I was signing up for my complete consumption and annihilation.  --and yes.  I still miss her.  I miss her family.  Most of all I miss my childish dream of a future which could have never been realized no matter how much I gave, how much I accepted, and how much of myself I was willing to lose.  -One day she would have walked away.  She may not have even felt badly about it

It has been humbling to learn nearly everything she said to me, everything I felt, my entire experience was not unique -it was an affair with BPD.

However, learning for other's shared experiences here has helped me find some perspective and to further helped keep my resolve in staying away from this woman -Whom I once loved so deeply.



Wicker Man

[Shawnlam]

When I read a lot of your posts from the beginning to today’s post I see you progressed enormously fast in healing yourself.I find myself jealous and envious of you for this ,I feel that I’ve failed for the most part even though my understanding of the situation has evolved.I hope one day I can get to the point where I can say I love(d) her and stop saying I love her.I guess time heals everything and it’s just going at a slower pace for me .

[Struggler123]

I feel nothing but pity for my ex.  She loved me deeply and with all of her soul, but she can not change her nature.  When she loved me it was complete and like nothing I have ever felt, when she was raging and hated me she did is with just as much passion, when she drank she forgot about us completely.

It occurred to me the other day being angry with her would be like being mad at a cat for being a cat.

Yes!  I had built an ephemeral, elaborate and fantastical dream -what our future might have been.  Oh! It was beautiful, warm, loving and an utter fabrication based on my arrogance, delusion, overwhelming optimism and my desperately wanting to believe in fairytale love. 

As I live and breath, I am now certain I was signing up for my complete consumption and annihilation.  --and yes.  I still miss her.  I miss her family.  Most of all I miss my childish dream of a future which could have never been realized no matter how much I gave, how much I accepted, and how much of myself I was willing to lose.  -One day she would have walked away.  She may not have even felt badly about it

It has been humbling to learn nearly everything she said to me, everything I felt, my entire experience was not unique -it was an affair with BPD.

However, learning for other's shared experiences here has helped me find some perspective and to further helped keep my resolve in staying away from this woman -Whom I once loved so deeply.



Wicker Man

A friend once used to tell me, if something is too good to be true it usually is a problem. I never paid much attention to it until now. I felt the same about my ex, when she loved she gave it her all and when she hated you, she would say things that would repeat like a drum. I stopped being angry with her after I got my closure, I went through every emotion, and I too like you had the same dream you might call it. I wanted to be the superman of the story but, then near the end of the relationship I just felt like I was being manipulated on everything and it just didn’t feel right anymore, the threats, the idea that the only way to prove my love is a commitment, and when I asked her for time, 4 days later that was it. She came to ask for my permission to marry someone else, and at that point I knew it was time to let go, even then I was like if he makes you happy go for it and as impulsive as she was she did. That was the problem, every choice decision came like an impulse. I dont blame you at all, I miss her too the dreams im having reflect what I think about on a daily basis and im in denial if I say that im over it. Thats the worst part knowing that you gave it your all but yet it was going to be the same result no matter what. Come to terms about it, BPD is all an act and those who believe it, never come out of the fantasy. I’m slowly coming to terms with it and actually believing the idea, that “I dodged a bullet.” Do you have any regrets? I feel like thats an issue I have? Thoughts?

[Struggler123]

When I read a lot of your posts from the beginning to today’s post I see you progressed enormously fast in healing yourself.I find myself jealous and envious of you for this ,I feel that I’ve failed for the most part even though my understanding of the situation has evolved.I hope one day I can get to the point where I can say I love(d) her and stop saying I love her.I guess time heals everything and it’s just going at a slower pace for me .

Hello Shawn, hope your doing good. Honestly, i’m just like you, i’m healing day by day. I started exercising, waking up on my own time, doing things independently. No need to be jealous, you will reach where you need to be with time. I feel like the breaking point that differs between us is that, you feel responsible when you aren’t, you were made to believe that and i’m sorry. My ex used to tell me, I was the best thing to happen to her but yet, when i wouldnt answer her calls on time that I am selfish and I can’t do anything. I wanted to believe for the longest time she didnt have BPD, but the truth was actions speak louder than words. Words based on feelings fade. Actions don’t. As for love, a part of you will always feel that way because it wasnt normal love. It was a drug, and you were hooked. But Shawn, at the end of the day you have to realize that one of the following would have happened:

1)She would have broken up with you 4-5x, at which point you would feel upset but still hold on strong. The 7th time, you would have started stepping back and she would have realized it and this time you would have ended.

2)You managed to put your needs aside and gotten engaged/married. You two wouldnt have agreed on things kids, work, boundaries. You would have gotten threats of divorce. Eventually you would have left or she would have left you.

3)You somehow got her to go to therapy. She would’ve went a few days and then told you the psychiatrist has a problem when gotten too close to the cure. At which point it would have been like if you cant handle me at my worst you dont deserve me at my best, at which point you would have been a babysitter aka doormat left to pick up the pieces

4) You manage to make it marriage and everything but you become empty, isolated, no friends, no one to understand that you are the victim.


I wish it wasn’t like this, but thats the reality of it. How long are we gonna lie to ourselves? Change comes within the person themselves, if you know you have a problem, you work on it and those with BPD that are courageous enough to go through the journey to heal, they are heroes but like they say theres only a few leaders, and the rest are just waiting for magic to happen.

[once removed]

if time healed wounds, borderline personality disorder would not exist  

I needed a break from the forum, for a couple of days, but the truth is that I realized theres a lot more work to be done on.

time can lessen the sting of the pain. healing takes deliberate effort and work.

Are you allowing yourself to grieve?

i think this cant be overstated. the first part of healing is to fully grieve. i dont think you can "should" or "shouldnt" your way out of feelings. theyre there for a reason.

The five stages of Detachment
1      Acknowledgment- we begin by acknowledging and working with our feelings.

2      Self-Inquiry- we then probe the feelings - it's important to find a way to explore your feelings that allows you both to be present with them and to stand a little aside from them.

as for the dreams? they are common. when a traumatic event first hits us, there is only so much our psyche can process at the time. this is why people often say grief comes in waves, and why some people say they feel worse at certain points after the initial trauma. because as we heal, our psyche makes a bit more room to process some of the tougher stuff. some of that comes out in dreams. the dreams make perfect sense in this case; this is what youve been struggling with in waking life.

dont suppress - grieve. work the stages of detachment. and keep exploring and reflecting as you have been. thats the way through.

[Struggler123]

if time healed wounds, borderline personality disorder would not exist  

time can lessen the sting of the pain. healing takes deliberate effort and work.

i think this cant be overstated. the first part of healing is to fully grieve. i dont think you can "should" or "shouldnt" your way out of feelings. theyre there for a reason.

as for the dreams? they are common. when a traumatic event first hits us, there is only so much our psyche can process at the time. this is why people often say grief comes in waves, and why some people say they feel worse at certain points after the initial trauma. because as we heal, our psyche makes a bit more room to process some of the tougher stuff. some of that comes out in dreams. the dreams make perfect sense in this case; this is what youve been struggling with in waking life.

dont suppress - grieve. work the stages of detachment. and keep exploring and reflecting as you have been. thats the way through.

Thank you so much for your input. It just bothered me because on the surface it looks like im doing better but a part of me still feels like, there could have been something special and I keep having flashbacks of the times I made her cry, or was not able to do some things for her, and then one part of my mind tells me all the good things I did for her, and all the things I put up with. It still baffles me how she says I didnt fight for her, despite her saying yes to someone else, its always about her needs over anyone elses and I hope that the new guy can accept that, because the minute he says no, he will see the angry bird.

[once removed]

there could have been something special

there was something special, Struggler. thats why youre grieving. its what youre grieving.

and I keep having flashbacks of the times I made her cry, or was not able to do some things for her,

and regrets, doubts, what ifs, are a natural part of that.

for me, it didnt help to overemphasize the "bad" aspects of the relationship (long term. id be lying if i said it didnt get me through some tough days early on). the bad was part of it. its important to acknowledge. if it were the only truth, we wouldnt struggle.

it didnt help me to tell myself there was nothing i could have done, either. what helped me, over time, was to work through my regrets, in some cases to learn from them. and eventually, to be able to live with them, and accept that two people can love each other very much, have a powerful and deep connection, both try with everything in them, and not be able to make it work.

it broke my heart to accept that. and that opened the door to healing.

[Struggler123]

there was something special, Struggler. thats why youre grieving. its what youre grieving it didnt, help me to tell myself there was nothing i could have done, either. what helped me, over time, was to work through my regrets, in some cases to learn from them. and eventually, to be able to live with them, and accept that two people can love each other very much, have a powerful and deep connection, both try with everything in them, and not be able to make it work.

it broke my heart to accept that. and that opened the door to healing.

That touched me, and thats the truth. I was able to let go of little things such as the blocking etc. but I was not able to forget how she made me feel at one point and thats something I think about. I don’t hate her, but I do hate myself at times for being so attached even while taking all the precautions, I found out about the BPD 3 months prior to the break up, but when I saw there was no change, I couldn’t invest my all in it, and so I let go when the new guy came in, and I stopped thinking about the whole idea of replacements because thats her problem not mine. She told me I deserved better and now I really do believe I do. She made her choice and I hope that she does her thing, and doesn’t try to recycle me in again.

[Cromwell]

Hi Struggler

Theres not more to add to the excellent replies already, I like what once removed said about time lessens the pain but its not a panacea. I only really started to get better by working at it, the biggest help has been this forum and its members. As for the dreams, I never used to dream at all which made the vivid ones I had about my ex all the more difficult to understand. For me there was a lot of anxiety during the r/s and after, it does affect the sleep, you might be doing a lot more processing now that you have no contact from her, an evaluation of sorts mixed with coming to terms with whatever decision you have made is actually a solid firm one. For me, despite the NC, I think subconsciously I still wrestled for awhile with some sort of notion that the possibility is there that id go back to her. Unresolved conflicted thoughts like this do have an amount of mental energy attached that only got better for me when I had finally made concrete decisions and got through all the evaluation I did. I notice how you are maybe starting to look at things from a different perspective, such as the angry text you mentioned, stuff like that became more clear to me after id distanced myself with the NC and had space to reflect.

[Struggler123]

Hi Struggler

Theres not more to add to the excellent replies already, I like what once removed said about time lessens the pain but its not a panacea. I only really started to get better by working at it, the biggest help has been this forum and its members. As for the dreams, I never used to dream at all which made the vivid ones I had about my ex all the more difficult to understand. For me there was a lot of anxiety during the r/s and after, it does affect the sleep, you might be doing a lot more processing now that you have no contact from her, an evaluation of sorts mixed with coming to terms with whatever decision you have made is actually a solid firm one. For me, despite the NC, I think subconsciously I still wrestled for awhile with some sort of notion that the possibility is there that id go back to her. Unresolved conflicted thoughts like this do have an amount of mental energy attached that only got better for me when I had finally made concrete decisions and got through all the evaluation I did. I notice how you are maybe starting to look at things from a different perspective, such as the angry text you mentioned, stuff like that became more clear to me after id distanced myself with the NC and had space to reflect.

You are certainly correct about distance and having time to reflect. The biggest thing im having a tough time coming to terms with is the idea that it’s actually over. In the past, I would distance myself and she would still come back around one way or another, but this time, I felt like I was the one that simply iust told her like im sorry but I can’t do this friends thing, where I give you all my energy and attention just to be discarded by the classic line, “talking to you makes it feel like im cheating on him.” Whether that would happen or not, I just wanted to avoid a scenario like that. A part of me knows that I wont take her back, a part of me then asks what happens if she breaks the engagement, would that make any difference and in the mist of it, im back to square one. I’d really appreciate some input and advice as to this.

[once removed]

A part of me knows that I wont take her back, a part of me then asks what happens if she breaks the engagement, would that make any difference and in the mist of it, im back to square one. I’d really appreciate some input and advice as to this.

remember, a recycle is when two people rekindle the relationship. this cant happen without your active participation.

a part of you knows you wont take her back, a part of you has what ifs, doubts, and regrets, and im guessing a part of you would like another shot at it. you werent all in, but you didnt want this to end, and on some level it probably feels like being back in the sort of limbo you were in would be better than this.

it makes more sense than you might think. throughout the relationship i wanted out. then she dumped me, and i didnt. and then part of me wanted her back (for a variety of reasons) and part of me did not... .i was somewhere between wanting her back, and believing we were better off not together. its difficult to live with that sort of conflict. it tests us.

ill put it to you this way:

if the engagement ended tomorrow, and she came back, would you be ready? the fundamental problems would be waiting for you, namely that you want less, and she wants more. how would you resolve that?

its mostly a rhetorical question, but do entertain it. the kindest thing the two of you can do for each other is to find someone you are each more compatible with. its also the hardest.

[Struggler123]

its mostly a rhetorical question, but do entertain it. the kindest thing the two of you can do for each other is to find someone you are each more compatible with. its also the hardest.

I completely agree thaf without my input it wont be possible. I sometimes feel like there were things I could have handled better or maybe it was her manipulation and the tears that made me feel that way, I don’t know, but somewhere in between I lost myself. It’s my dream to be a doctor, and i’m very close to reaching that dream, but I needed time to be where I wanted to be. She acted like she respected my opinions but her needs were always first. She was helpful at times but, ultimately it would always come back to her problems being greater than mine. To be honest, theres no right or wrong answer to that, but would I be ready for an engagement no, I think that bond is sacred and two people have to have that connection that patience is key. If I am willing to wait it out through her anger, and never react to anything. I shouldn’t have had to be put with an ultimatium, or telling her to wait for me unless and if she wanted to ON HER OWN. At the end, we are the masters of our own destiny. As for resolving that, as hard as it is to say that, I would not be able to, because we both had different opinions on it, would I have been ready for an engagement sure, once I had something to my name, but when someone has a plan of the next 24 months and they are not flexible. There’s not much you can do and since you put it like that, I think it is for the best that we aren’t together, because at the end it would have only gotten messier and I’m just having a tough time accepting that its over.

[Cromwell]

You are certainly correct about distance and having time to reflect. The biggest thing im having a tough time coming to terms with is the idea that it’s actually over. In the past, I would distance myself and she would still come back around one way or another, but this time, I felt like I was the one that simply iust told her like im sorry but I can’t do this friends thing, where I give you all my energy and attention just to be discarded by the classic line, “talking to you makes it feel like im cheating on him.” Whether that would happen or not, I just wanted to avoid a scenario like that. A part of me knows that I wont take her back, a part of me then asks what happens if she breaks the engagement, would that make any difference and in the mist of it, im back to square one. I’d really appreciate some input and advice as to this.

The way I see it, she is idolising this new guy at least for the meantime, and your needs are non-existing on her list of concerns. Once the fractures to this idolisation start happening, then its not anymore classed as "cheating on him", it is about who to go to, who will support her with the disenchantment feelings she will experience. My ex would suddenly re-idolise me when the world as she perceived it, had turned sour, and I was the one who never did her wrong. Again, this is black and white thinking, because I certainly had my faults in the r/s, but those would be glossed over during idolisation. my ex was not able to rationalise over what type of person I am, I was at any given moment, an emotional construct "a good person" or "a bad person". It was a love/hate relationship. It is this polarity that causes the problem of wanting to achieve any consistency, as you say, if you were to accept her back it would be back to square one. On the surface everything would be perfect and maybe youd think that with what youve learned here in the meantime, will be able to handle it better, that certainly has came to my mind, but the notion is folly. I did accept a recycle and the only good thing I did was to enjoy another 2 months idolisation but I then left her when I felt the rollercoaster begining to drop again. I decided I didnt want to go through these extremes of emotion anymore and that she wasnt going to change. The biggest piece of advice Id like to give is to consider also that you may have avoided  far worse than what you have already experienced so far. I do miss my ex, but I dont miss the hurt and devastation she has caused, and who knows how worse it may have got if I would have stayed with her. Please keep this in mind to consider because I went a very long way with my ex and I would have had far less trauma if I would have went for the damage limitation strategy years earlier.

 I had the best will in the world to "help her" and whilst I can admire how noble all that was, everything I did never changed her. Not an iota of change. My generalisation for the day is that BPD behaviour is incorrugible until treated by specialised therapy. If you arent able to do this (and put up with everything through that process) than for your own sake, start the damage limitation strategy now. Im not saying you wont enjoy the happy times intermixed with new chaos, but its easy to get complacent and think like I did that you have the ability to handle her. In hindsight I would have preferred to have had her as a casual sex only 'friendship' which is what it started as, with no emotional investment attached whatsoever. but that would be the absolute limit as far as id go - and I wouldnt even accept that now, not after the things she has done. I know some people ask for advice during a r/s, but you cant equate a partner w/BPD in the same way. The very point you are on this board is more than enough evidence to say "something is not right, i shouldnt need to be doing this, this isnt what I deserve". It sounds like your working hard towards a future and realising your own dreams, a r/s like this has the potential to jeapoardise that, its part of the reason I wont go back to my ex, the emotional energy spent on her takes resources away from my other aspirations and my studying also suffered a lot. These are all important things to consider if it is a price worth paying and weigh it all up on an abstract scale. As once removed said, you could find someone more compatible, but you risk losing these opportunities if you are having to concentrate on this unresolved idea of getting back to her (when she feels like it).

[Struggler123]

The way I see it, she is idolising this new guy at least for the meantime, and your needs are non-existing on her list of concerns. Once the fractures to this idolisation start happening, then its not anymore classed as "cheating on him", it is about who to go to, who will support her with the disenchantment feelings she will experience. My ex would suddenly re-idolise me when the world as she perceived it, had turned sour, and I was the one who never did her wrong. Again, this is black and white thinking, because I certainly had my faults in the r/s, but those would be glossed over during idolisation. my ex was not able to rationalise over what type of person I am, I was at any given moment, an emotional construct "a good person" or "a bad person". It was a love/hate relationship. It is this polarity that causes the problem of wanting to achieve any consistency, as you say, if you were to accept her back it would be back to square one. On the surface everything would be perfect and maybe youd think that with what youve learned here in the meantime, will be able to handle it better, that certainly has came to my mind, but the notion is folly. I did accept a recycle and the only good thing I did was to enjoy another 2 months idolisation but I then left her when I felt the rollercoaster begining to drop again. I decided I didnt want to go through these extremes of emotion anymore and that she wasnt going to change. The biggest piece of advice Id like to give is to consider also that you may have avoided  far worse than what you have already experienced so far. I do miss my ex, but I dont miss the hurt and devastation she has caused, and who knows how worse it may have got if I would have stayed with her. Please keep this in mind to consider because I went a very long way with my ex and I would have had far less trauma if I would have went for the damage limitation strategy years earlier.

 I had the best will in the world to "help her" and whilst I can admire how noble all that was, everything I did never changed her. Not an iota of change. My generalisation for the day is that BPD behaviour is incorrugible until treated by specialised therapy. If you arent able to do this (and put up with everything through that process) than for your own sake, start the damage limitation strategy now. Im not saying you wont enjoy the happy times intermixed with new chaos, but its easy to get complacent and think like I did that you have the ability to handle her. In hindsight I would have preferred to have had her as a casual sex only 'friendship' which is what it started as, with no emotional investment attached whatsoever. but that would be the absolute limit as far as id go - and I wouldnt even accept that now, not after the things she has done. I know some people ask for advice during a r/s, but you cant equate a partner w/BPD in the same way. The very point you are on this board is more than enough evidence to say "something is not right, i shouldnt need to be doing this, this isnt what I deserve". It sounds like your working hard towards a future and realising your own dreams, a r/s like this has the potential to jeapoardise that, its part of the reason I wont go back to my ex, the emotional energy spent on her takes resources away from my other aspirations and my studying also suffered a lot. These are all important things to consider if it is a price worth paying and weigh it all up on an abstract scale. As once removed said, you could find someone more compatible, but you risk losing these opportunities if you are having to concentrate on this unresolved idea of getting back to her (when she feels like it).

Honestly, after reading this, I felt more confident about the decision I made and it made me realize how far I had come. I’m sorry for everything you went through. Those words spoke exactly how I feel. I did everything perfectly, I just couldn’t make a commitment and even after that I couldn’t get myself to be friends because I was emotionally attached. I guess I spent so much time giving her reassurance, when Things ended with her I had no one to give me the reassurance I needed (except for this forum).  I guess all I needed to hear and accept was that, even if I gave her marriage it wouldnt have changed anything and I need to stop blaming myself and move on. There was a reason I felt the way I did about the marriage idea and no matter what I do, she’s not going to change despite all my efforts and thats the hardest thing to accept. To be honest, I have to know my self worth too and not when its convenient for her to return so if this is what she wanted then I wish her the best. It’s kind of sad but I never ever yelled at her, the worst thing I ever said to her was during our closure where i said do whatever the f you want i dont care anymore. I just felt like someone has so much baggage on their hands, they will never understand what your struggles are and thats the reality of it. Thank you Cromwell, I needed that reality check. I’m gonna keep coming to your post to remind myself of why I didnt push through with it if she ever comes back.

[gotbushels]

Hi Struggler123   

I want to join the others in providing you some support on your journey here. Congratulations on where you're at in terms of finding peace for yourself.   

for me, it didnt help to overemphasize the "bad" aspects of the relationship (long term. id be lying if i said it didnt get me through some tough days early on). the bad was part of it. its important to acknowledge. if it were the only truth, we wouldnt struggle.

I agree with once removed here. Inflating the bad doesn't seem to do much good for the non. Something that helped me was to accurately have a telling for myself what the events were. I can then form my opinion on it. It helped me to have some notes on what happened--I forgot things after a few months. Looking forward, I know those notes will help me (in addition to other things) in case I have one of those "she came back, now I'm tempted" moments that other members have shared here.

love each other very much, have a powerful and deep connection, both try with everything in them, and not be able to make it work.

it broke my heart to accept that. and that opened the door to healing.

In addition to this path here, I hope to share with you bit of what it seems you're looking for in terms of your wants. Members here helped me with the same thing.

I feel like the marriage wouldn’t really change things.

After I proposed to my ex, things generally got far worse.

I wish marriage was the cure to BPD ... .

I wished it too. In a way this was my own magical thinking. If you've been blessed with a more rational way of doing things, then that's good for you.   

(Do you believe, life would be much diferent in your r/s compared what you've experienced with her?)
I honestly don’t know. We were long distance for 8 months and together for a. Month ... .I would give it the same energy as the relationship but 10,000x more.

I was LDR something like 0.5 years, then "together" for 1.0 years. I feel like things got orders of magnitude worse when the LDR ended, and part of that could be that I was directing my "amplified" energy in the unhealthy paths even more. So in this way, you avoided burning all that surplus emotional and mental energy, and time. In my mind that's a huge blessing for you, accentuated further that you're pursuing a career in medicine.

(Would your ex become a different, healthy person in that future?)
I know the answer to this question but my heart wants it to be that shes a different healthy person with the way she was acting so calm when we both got closure, but my mind tells me that its temporary and eventually itll always be back to square one.

I think it's certainly spectacular you can clearly distinguish the wants of your heart and participation of your mind.   

My ex once drew a picture of herself as a good half and bad half. One way I can look at my relationship was like this. If it was available, I wanted a relationship with the "good" half, without the "bad" half.  But they were part of the same person.  So in this way, it's similar to your experience--at a particular moment you might get that shining clear picture of that aspect set you seem to love ("the way she was acting so calm when we both got closure". But the side that you're not facing at that time is always going to be part of the same person.

I wish you peace.

[Struggler123]

Hi Struggler123   

I want to join the others in providing you some support on your journey here. Congratulations on where you're at in terms of finding peace for yourself.   
I agree with once removed here. Inflating the bad doesn't seem to do much good for the non. Something that helped me was to accurately have a telling for myself what the events were. I can then form my opinion on it. It helped me to have some notes on what happened--I forgot things after a few months. Looking forward, I know those notes will help me (in addition to other things) in case I have one of those "she came back, now I'm tempted" moments that other members have shared here.


In addition to this path here, I hope to share with you bit of what it seems you're looking for in terms of your wants. Members here helped me with the same thing.
After I proposed to my ex, things generally got far worse.
I wished it too. In a way this was my own magical thinking. If you've been blessed with a more rational way of doing things, then that's good for you.   
I was LDR something like 0.5 years, then "together" for 1.0 years. I feel like things got orders of magnitude worse when the LDR ended, and part of that could be that I was directing my "amplified" energy in the unhealthy paths even more. So in this way, you avoided burning all that surplus emotional and mental energy, and time. In my mind that's a huge blessing for you, accentuated further that you're pursuing a career in medicine.
I think it's certainly spectacular you can clearly distinguish the wants of your heart and participation of your mind.   

My ex once drew a picture of herself as a good half and bad half. One way I can look at my relationship was like this. If it was available, I wanted a relationship with the "good" half, without the "bad" half.  But they were part of the same person.  So in this way, it's similar to your experience--at a particular moment you might get that shining clear picture of that aspect set you seem to love ("the way she was acting so calm when we both got closure". But the side that you're not facing at that time is always going to be part of the same person.

I wish you peace.

I honestly can’t tell you how much the support you and the other members gave me means to me. I don’t know you guys personally, but you guys gave me the reality in such a way that I finally can comprehend it. Talking to friends that don’t understand the disorder never helped. The truth is my mind really forgot all the bad parts, it was almost as if I focused so much on the good things, I didn’t want the bad things to be true and I was almost facing a state of delusion/dementia to say. I’m really sorry that you had to go through all of this. I know at times I should be grateful that, it was a clean break up, it couldve been messy, but the no contact at the right time, must have done the trick. To be honest, This is how I percieved it, everytime I would give in to a demand I was a hero and everytime I wouldn’t I was the worst person, and I would make her upset. I began to think what happens next, engagement, 3 months later marriage, 3 months later house, then kids. I couldn’t base my whole life on a schedule like that. But it did hurt me when I realized that I could never do everything that she wanted without losing myself in the process, I wish it wasnt like that but thats the reality. There wasnt balance and thats the problem. I sacrificed a lot to be at the point where I am, and medicine is my life, and if my future partner doesn’t understand that, and isn’t patient with me its not gonna work and thats something I learned. The picture described it so well, we only see the things we want to see and thats reality, I wanted to believe everything good and think the bad was temporary that it could be somehow better/fixed but, unfortunately people don’t work that way. Even till now I am not angry or upset at her, I just wanted to be at peace with myself and remove the guilt I had about the marriage thing. You and the members are very strong individuals. Thank you for everything. I’m almost reaching the acceptance phase and im glad, the dreams are going away too.

[MyBPD_friend]

 I began to think what happens next, engagement, 3 months later marriage, 3 months later house, then kids. I couldn’t base my whole life on a schedule like that.

Dear Struggler123,

I again want to join in as I'm in a simular process. I'm very sorry for what you're going through but I do see a lot of light at the end of the tunnel for you... .

During the last 9 months, I must have read about BPD for a week or more, and my BPD friend wasn't even my girlfriend, but it had everything members here have experienced in their r/s.
I'm married to a wonderful loving woman, I'm soo happy about my healthy wife and mother of our two sons. I've told her pretty fast about the BPD woman I've met and what was going on.

What I really want to point out here is YOUR future and what could have happened if you really had married her.

Our plans for live may all be different, but in gerneral we're looking for happiness and a good, loving and stable r/s with our partner.
Just imagine, if married, you both would have ended up having children together - what a mess... .

BPD mothers in particular are responsible for the illness in their children, most children of BPD mothers develop BPD also -it is most likely to happen at some point.
Imagine what life could be with a BPD wife and ill children, most likely with a devastating divorce at some point and fights about a house, cars, children, the dog and whatever.

I wish you good luck, health and a bright future.

A friend from Germany

[Struggler123]

Dear Struggler123,

I again want to join in as I'm in a simular process. I'm very sorry for what you're going through but I do see a lot of light at the end of the tunnel for you... .

During the last 9 months, I must have read about BPD for a week or more, and my BPD friend wasn't even my girlfriend, but it had everything members here have experienced in their r/s.
I'm married to a wonderful loving woman, I'm soo happy about my healthy wife and mother of our two sons. I've told her pretty fast about the BPD woman I've met and what was going on.

What I really want to point out here is YOUR future and what could have happened if you really had married her.

Our plans for live may all be different, but in gerneral we're looking for happiness and a good, loving and stable r/s with our partner.
Just imagine, if married, you both would have ended up having children together - what a mess... .

BPD mothers in particular are responsible for the illness in their children, most children of BPD mothers develop BPD also -it is most likely to happen at some point.
Imagine what life could be with a BPD wife and ill children, most likely with a devastating divorce at some point and fights about a house, cars, children, the dog and whatever.

I wish you good luck, health and a bright future.

A friend from Germany

Thank you so much friend from Germany,  I really appreciate your input. The truth is as much as I had blinded myself to all the negative things, I really needed someone to push me and say like what were you about to do. And thats what I felt like this forum did for me. At one point I really was about to contact her and thats when I made this post, and each day I feel more and more correct about what I had done was for the best. Its like the saying, “You can forget what people said but you can’t forget how they made you feel.” I was so caught up in trying to make everything work I forgot that ultimately at the end, it was never going to be enough. And like you said I wanted to give the most stable environment. I can understand emotions run wild in relationships but when you have to watch everything you say then what kind of relationship is this. She is a great person, but I wish the impulsive side wasn’t there. For the longest time I blamed myself and then I realized if this is how I am after all this,  I would have been devastated after marriage. I’m very happy for you, for finding the stability that everyone looks for and I long for that day as well. I remember thinking of every scenario out there, but every scenario would start from her and end with her.  It was a one way street and thats something I’m still trying to accept.