need advice for BPD mom who is sick

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have a very limited contact relationship w my uBPD mother. I was contacted - in secret - by a close family friend that she is ill with diverticulitis and is being treated with antibiotics. The friend contacted me "because your mother needs you and you should reconcile." My BPD sister, who I have not had contact with for 3 years, also contacted me to tell me mom was sick and included a picture of her CT scan read to reiterate how sick she was. Here is part of her text below.

"I know you have come to believe a narrative you have created about us being horrible people which is convenient in that it creates a basis for the validation of your actions and behavior. But how are you going to feel in 20 years when she is gone and the maturity that comes with life and experience allows your mind to realize that it's just that- a fiction and a narrative? It will be too late then. You have surrounded yourself with "yes" people who are not concerned with challenging your decisions. We were the ones that cared about you enough to be honest and take the hard positions that challenged you. You are the only person with the power to undo this, if it's something you want to do. But it will require soul searching and introspection and facing reality and not just covering it up with a story that validates what you've done."

Of course dissecting this whole interaction just underlines the absurd. I am an adult just a few years younger than my sister. I'm a doctor and can read a CT scan better than anybody else in my family, yet my mother/father/sister/literally anybody NEVER called me to share with me my mother's illness when it happened. I have been chastised for not being there for my mom through her illness even though I never knew about it. I have surrounded myself with people who support me. My FOO weren't "honest" with me nor did they "take the hard position to challenge me" - what they did was squash any hint of me wanting independence from them. I was verbally and emotionally abused, trapped in my home and not allowed to leave to see friends, punished when I displeased my unpredictable and volatile mother, and told to tolerate my very verbally abusive sister.

The reality is that I have no interest in caring for my mother when she gets ill. Think of Tony Soprano's mother - that's my mom 100%. It will be of no benefit to her and it will destroy me. I have dealt with a tremendous amount of guilt for feeling this way. I feel selfish for it, but I also recognize I can't take care of her and lead a functional life. I can't be in the same state as her and lead a functional life. But what do I do if this gets worse? Does anybody have experience with an ill BPD mother and how to care for an ailing family member with a personality disorder?

[GreenGlit]

I have a very limited contact relationship w my uBPD mother. I was contacted - in secret - by a close family friend that she is ill with diverticulitis and is being treated with antibiotics. The friend contacted me "because your mother needs you and you should reconcile." My BPD sister, who I have not had contact with for 3 years, also contacted me to tell me mom was sick and included a picture of her CT scan read to reiterate how sick she was. Here is part of her text below.

"I know you have come to believe a narrative you have created about us being horrible people which is convenient in that it creates a basis for the validation of your actions and behavior. But how are you going to feel in 20 years when she is gone and the maturity that comes with life and experience allows your mind to realize that it's just that- a fiction and a narrative? It will be too late then. You have surrounded yourself with "yes" people who are not concerned with challenging your decisions. We were the ones that cared about you enough to be honest and take the hard positions that challenged you. You are the only person with the power to undo this, if it's something you want to do. But it will require soul searching and introspection and facing reality and not just covering it up with a story that validates what you've done."

Of course dissecting this whole interaction just underlines the absurd. I am an adult just a few years younger than my sister. I'm a doctor and can read a CT scan better than anybody else in my family, yet my mother/father/sister/literally anybody NEVER called me to share with me my mother's illness when it happened. I have been chastised for not being there for my mom through her illness even though I never knew about it. I have surrounded myself with people who support me. My FOO weren't "honest" with me nor did they "take the hard position to challenge me" - what they did was squash any hint of me wanting independence from them. I was verbally and emotionally abused, trapped in my home and not allowed to leave to see friends, punished when I displeased my unpredictable and volatile mother, and told to tolerate my very verbally abusive sister.

The reality is that I have no interest in caring for my mother when she gets ill. Think of Tony Soprano's mother - that's my mom 100%. It will be of no benefit to her and it will destroy me. I have dealt with a tremendous amount of guilt for feeling this way. I feel selfish for it, but I also recognize I can't take care of her and lead a functional life. I can't be in the same state as her and lead a functional life. But what do I do if this gets worse? Does anybody have experience with an ill BPD mother and how to care for an ailing family member with a personality disorder?

[Harri]

Hi GreenGilt and welcome back!  I am sorry for the difficult and painful situation you are in.  Having an ill parent is bad enough but with estrangement and mental illness on top of it makes it so much harder.

My mom got sick while we were estranged.  It was a re-occurance of her non-hodgkins lymphoma.  In less than a year she was dead.  It was only the 4 days where she was very very ill.  I was there for those, more to help my brother and father but also for me.  I was so torn and I did not want to make a decision that I would regret later.  The thing is, she was in the hospital at that point so I was not actually required to provide care.  In the about 7 months that preceded her death, she had chosen to keep the fact that she was terminal to herself.  I am not sure if I had known if my choices would have been different.  I did see her some and even visited her when she was getting her chemo a couple times but only because I was in the hospital getting my own treatment.  It was all very strange and awkward.  In the end, I am not sorry with the way I handled things.  My hands were tied.  Her behaviors, her life and how she abused me definitely impacted me. 

I remember feeling shocked at how 'cold' I seemed.  I wasn't cold though I was simply numb from too much emotion.  I also remember questioning my capacity for love because how could I be okay with limited involvement and contact when she was dying... .that old family obligation myth.  I finally realized that I am capable of love.  It was my mother's actions and choices that kept me from being able to express love in the ways I wished I could. 

So I don't know if that helps or not.  Please do not let your family define your responses.  Your sister seems to be laying on the FOG fairly thick.  And the neighbor is just interfering in something where she is not aware of all that is involved.  It sounds like you know what you want, or more accurately don't want.  Make a choice for you based on your values and your experiences.

Be well.

[Panda39]

Please do not let your family define your responses.  Your sister seems to be laying on the FOG fairly thick.  And the neighbor is just interfering in something where she is not aware of all that is involved. 

I agree FOG... .FOG... .FOG... .

The drama triangle is there too... .Your mom the victim, you the persecutor, friend/sister the rescuer or Your mom the victim, friend/sister persecutor, you the rescuer... .depending on how you look at it.

I also want to say that it is not selfish to take care of yourself, it is self care... .I say this because it's true and sometimes you need to hear it from someone else. 

Think about this situation in terms of yourself, not what your sister thinks you should do, or the friend, or society... .what is right for you.

It sounds like your mom is getting appropriate treatment and the diverticulitis has not developed into anything more serious.  What will your being there change?

Panda39

[GreenGlit]

Thank you Harri and Panda for your replies.
Harri, I agree with you about feeling unnerved about how "cold" I feel. Especially when remembering the happier times and the many moments where my mother devoted herself to her kids. Like you said I can't love my mother in the way I wish I could. It feels so awkward because I DO care and I wish I could care for her... .it causes me a lot of sadness. Thank you for validating that - I feel a bit less alone.

Panda, I didn't really think of the relationships in my FOO as the drama triangle, but it seems like you saw it very clearly even from my brief description. So very helpful to understand that dynamic a little better. You are correct in that my presence won't change any outcomes... .