Just got an email

[lotus74]

My uBPDh just sent me an email.  We have been separated for just over a week now.  His email was very sweet and empathetic.  He is acting very mature, reasonable and how I always wanted him to be while in the relationship.  Why do they get their s*** together when it is over?  Why couldn't he be as understanding and rational while we were in the midst of a crisis or f*** the crisis, just in everyday life?  I'm so heartbroken... .so sad.  I know that this is probably some tactic.  He always has a motive behind his actions.  I just want so badly to believe that this is the man that I have loved all along.  But I know that it is not.  I'm not sure how to respond or if I should.  He wants to divide our things and promises not to come to the house without my consent.  He says he will not ask for anything from the house that would cause a hardship on me.  He says he understands my position and that he agrees with me when I told him he should work on himself and I need to work on me.  The desire to talk to him is so great right now.  To have him hold me and tell me that he loves me.  I will not cave to these feelings, but it's just so hard.

[Jeffree]

That's a tough one for sure, but I presume you've seen similar behavior like this from him before.

What do you fear he can be up to?

J

[lotus74]

I guess I'm worried that this behavior is some type of emotional manipulation.  To try to reel me back in.   To try to inspire a ray of hope that doesn't really exist.  To make me remember how charming and sweet he can be at times. 

[lotus74]

Or that he is setting me up for something.

[Cromwell]

have you responded to it?

I often felt when I got the same it was a way of soothing for my partner, almost as if the fact I would respond would bring upon a relief that "oh, i was important enough to respond to, he still cares, and then what she did could become rationalised and diminished to think that what she did wasnt that bad after all, if it were, I wouldnt be interested in talking to her".

It basically told her she wasnt abandoned or discarded, and that brought about a relief where the ball was in her corner again. she could continue on with the mind set that "we are still on talking terms, but now i choose not to talk to him for awhile, he never told me to get lost, so his number is there should I choose to call upon his services in the future".

something along those lines. like a child craving for attention, wether for negative or positive, as long as it gets attention and isnt abandoned, it doesnt care either way.

[Skip]

He wants to divide our things and promises not to come to the house without my consent.  He says he will not ask for anything from the house that would cause a hardship on me.  He says he understands my position and that he agrees with me... .

It's a reasonable communication. Right? He's amping things down.

If you are ready to hang it up, you should say thanks, I will try to make this easy for you, too.

But you're not saying that. Why? You say fear of a bear trap (and we get that), but "thanks, I will try to make this easy for you, too" via email is pretty safe.

Are you feeling this is over? Or are you fighting to be heard?

Hard question, I know. And important one, though.

[Ex2BPD]

Are you feeling this is over?

Lotus,
This is such a salient question, asked by Skip.

Frankly, I was so addicted to the physical attraction between my ExBPD and myself that I couldn't be on the same block with him without Totally caving --- one more ride on the merry go round!

So many, many times (especially when initiated by a BPD ) I imagine the "you need to come get your things/I need to come get my things" scene turns into a scene reminiscent of that slo-mo movie where two people are running toward each other through a flower field, arms outstretched.

Can you Actually 'see' this playing out between yourself and your former lover? How do you greet him? With a hug, a snarl, a flip comment, reconciliation? In your mind's eye how are you making small talk? As he leaves are you more sad (because this is about taking care of your needs and feelings -- not his... .) 

How does it really end? Call me a cynic, but I see a manipulation in the wings -- now or two days from now.

I wish you happiness - for yourself, through yourself.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lotus74, I suggest avoiding any knee-jerk response by pausing for as long as it takes for you to formulate a response that is right for you.  It could take 24 - 48 hours, or longer.  At some point, if you wait for the water to clear, I predict the answer will come to you.

LJ

[Skip]

avoiding any knee-jerk response by pausing for as long as it takes... .

Good advice.

[lotus74]

Thanks Lucky Jim

That was great advice.  I gave myself a day or so and emailed him back.  Since then it's been crickets... .no response so far.  I started packing up his things.  He recommended a divorce lawyer that only deals in uncontested divorces.  Says he hasn't hired anyone.  I will call the lawyer this week.  It's my daughter's 16th birthday this week.  I just want it to be a chill, relaxing birthday for her, where she doesn't have to worry that her step-dad will dis her friends it they aren't "friendly" enough or don't think he is the most funny, talented, intelligent... .etc.  person they have ever met. 

[Lucky Jim]

Glad to hear, lotus74, that you found my post useful.

Agree, it will be good for your daughter to have a drama-free birthday.

Sounds like you are finding the path that is right for you.

LJ